What to do next time this happens

[PigletsMommy]

I'm looking for some advice on how to handle some family friends on DH's side who seem to think my husband produced our child by himself...and that I am invisible. Would love to have a few saying stored up, so that next time I can "politely" let them know that I find this insulting & irritating.

Tonight, for instance, we are at a function & I'm holding DD (23 months). I was sitting at the table giving DD dinner & someone asks "and who is this little one" I start to speak but am interrupted by "B" who says "Oh thats W's daughter...isn't she precious?" No one introduces me to this person. No one has ever said, This is W & Katie's baby...its always "W's baby".

She made another comment about how DD looks & acts just like DH, well except for her blonde hair...her comment is "No one in this family has blonde hair". It wasn't so much what she said, but how she said it. I can't explain that. It was very snarky tone.

Do you know someone like this? She obviously does not care for me. I don't know why & really don't care anymore... I just want respect as my child's mother to actually be acknowledged. Next time this happens I would love to have a quick response back to her.

 

[Robindianne]

Them, "Oh thats W's daughter...isn't she precious?"
You, "Shhh, that's just what I want him to think."

Them, "Oh thats W's daughter"
You, "The DNA results aren't in yet."

Them, "Oh thats W's daughter...isn't she precious?"
You, "And mine, unless W grew a uterus, puked for 3 months, waddled for 6, squeezed her watermelon preciousness out his vag . . ., "

Not great but maybe these will trigger better ones.

 

[Dee77]

It's fun to think of the snarky stuff to rebut with but you probably should just extend your hand out and introduce yourself as "W's wife and mommy to ..." If it's the scenario where she makes a comment about your family as if you are are invsible, then I would say "where are B's manners, she really should introduce us, I'm...... and this is my daughter ...."

Good luck.

 

[mommy2allgirls]

My MIL used to do that to me. Finally I just spent some real quality time with her and we became closer and now she doesn't do it as much. I am sorry that happened, I know how painful it feels

 

[EMom]

Interrupting......."Hi, I'm _______. And although you'd never know it from listening to Snarky, I am Baby's mother and actually played a big part in producing her. Nice to meet you."

A similar thing happened to my friend, but it was all from her DH's family. Keep in mind, my friend has a head full ringlets.....curls on curls. So did every single one of her kids when they were born. Still do. Yet her DH's family continually gaze in wonder at the children's hair and say things like, "Just look at all those curls. Where on EARTH did they get them?" HELLO! Take a good look at the mother whose lap they're sitting on and you'll get a clue.

 

[*Meagan*]

wow how RUDE!

What does your husband think of this?

I stink @ rebuttals.. but I agree with other posters EMom and Dee77

Even though I think I would feel like saying what Robindianne said!

 

[cm8]

Interrupting......."Hi, I'm _______. And although you'd never know it from listening to Snarky, I am Baby's mother and actually played a big part in producing her. Nice to meet you."

A similar thing happened to my friend, but it was all from her DH's family. Keep in mind, my friend has a head full ringlets.....curls on curls. So did every single one of her kids when they were born. Still do. Yet her DH's family continually gaze in wonder at the children's hair and say things like, "Just look at all those curls. Where on EARTH did they get them?" HELLO! Take a good look at the mother whose lap they're sitting on and you'll get a clue.

, some people just fail to see what is staring them in the face the whole time.... or refuse to acknowledge it

 

[gator75]

My inlaws do this. our son is 13 and over 6 ft tall they seem to beleive that he goy his height from his uncles , but what they aren't consideing is thatit may have came from my side of the family as i have a brother and a dad that are both over 6 ft as well. Both my inlaws seem to beleive that every charateristic in our son comes from their side of the family and theirs alone. I should one day to get even tell them that he isnt even blood related and that he is adopted and see what kind of reaction it sparks

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm looking for some advice on how to handle some family friends on DH's side who seem to think my husband produced our child by himself...and that I am invisible. Would love to have a few saying stored up, so that next time I can "politely" let them know that I find this insulting & irritating.

Tonight, for instance, we are at a function & I'm holding DD (23 months). I was sitting at the table giving DD dinner & someone asks "and who is this little one" I start to speak but am interrupted by "B" who says "Oh thats W's daughter...isn't she precious?" No one introduces me to this person. No one has ever said, This is W & Katie's baby...its always "W's baby".

She made another comment about how DD looks & acts just like DH, well except for her blonde hair...her comment is "No one in this family has blonde hair". It wasn't so much what she said, but how she said it. I can't explain that. It was very snarky tone.

Do you know someone like this? She obviously does not care for me. I don't know why & really don't care anymore... I just want respect as my child's mother to actually be acknowledged. Next time this happens I would love to have a quick response back to her.

I think you need to just speak up and introduce yourself to the person.

If someone walked up and said that I would have immediately did a greeting and introduced myself and ignored "B"'s rudeness or I would have said "B" who is your friend, I am such and such's wife, this is our dd, and put her on the spot.

Are you familiar with greeting people and being a little pushy when you are in a situation? If not do some practice in the public and gain some confidence.

With the comment about the hair, you speak up and say it comes from my side of the family.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

My inlaws do this. our son is 13 and over 6 ft tall they seem to beleive that he goy his height from his uncles , but what they aren't consideing is thatit may have came from my side of the family as i have a brother and a dad that are both over 6 ft as well. Both my inlaws seem to beleive that every charateristic in our son comes from their side of the family and theirs alone. I should one day to get even tell them that he isnt even blood related and that he is adopted and see what kind of reaction it sparks

I've sort of had something like this happen in my b-family. I resemble my b-grandmother on my mom's side very closely. (Scary close.) I've heard many variants on the theme that I got my dark brown hair from my b-grandmother; the only problem with that theory is that my b-mom is v.v.v.v. BLONDE. There isn't a dark hair anywhere on her body!

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

See, I'd be bad about that... if someone made the comment there were no blondes in the fam... I'd say something to the effect of the milkman/postman was really hot... I mess with snarky people. Evidently she hasn't known anyone whose hair was blonde when younger and darkened with age.

Then again, people could say the same thing about DD... she's a red head. DH is dirty blonde, I'm a deep brunette. DS is a toe head.

It's obvious that this person is miserable and jealous of your darling baby. Ignore her when you can. She's not worth the energy. If it comes down to it, don't go places that she'll be. I can't stand some of DH's friends, they are always rude, so I stopped hanging out with them. He can go, I choose to stay home.

 

[lovetoscrap]

Some great responses, but I am curious why you even agree to get together with these people? If someone treated my like that I would not be wasting one minute of my time with them. And especially if my husband wasn't standing up for me. He should be introducing you as his wonderful wife and mother of his child if HIS friends are being rude. He should be speaking up to say something like "Well it is obvious she gets that from my beautiful wife" etc.

Just as people advise with in law situations-- which this seems to be close to if they are his family's friends-- HE should not be putting up with his wife being disrespected, and you should not be putting up with him if he is.

 

[minkydog]

I think you are being overly sensitive. You need to take some responsibility. Instead of coming up with your own snarky remarks (which will only confirm to them that you're not someone they care to know), just stand up and introduce yourself. How hard is that? Who cares where the baby got the blond hair?

I do understand your situation. My DHs family thinks he hung the moon and I'm just along for the ride. Meh. So not a big deal. My youngest one doesn't look like anyone. I tell them he looks like the preacher. My point is, this is not a hill you want to die on. Just roll with it and consider the source.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Your post reminds me of a story that happened a few years back. My husband's family and MIL always spoke about the resemblance of my daughter to them as they would pick out different features, etc. and over the years I never responded to their comments. My own mother had passed away before I was married and never met my in-laws.
One day I had a cousin visiting from out of town that I had not seen in many years so I had a family get together and also invited my inlaws. My daughter, now an adult, was there. My cousin upon seeing my daughter remarked to me in front of my inlaws, "Wow! DD is the spitting image of your mother! I can't get over the resemblance!". It made my day!!

 

[horseshowmom]

It's fun to think of the snarky stuff to rebut with but you probably should just extend your hand out and introduce yourself as "W's wife and mommy to ..."

I honestly think this is enough. Just because someone else is snarky is no reason to lower yourself to that level. You'll just wind up making yourself look bad too - not worth it.

DD deals with a female friend of her DH's family from time to time. Many, many years ago the girl and DD's husband dated (before he and DD met). The other girl is married and has a child now, but I really think she has some jealousy issues from the way she acts (not that she wants him, just that she still thinks she should be calling the shots). She's made remarks that were so ridiculous that her own husband has apologized to my daughter and her husband. They basically have gotten to the point where they have very little contact with her (only when it's unavoidable). When DD asked me for advice, I told her the same thing I'm saying here. Thus far, she's come out looking like an angel, and the other girl has looked like a witch.

 

[sbell111]

It's fun to think of the snarky stuff to rebut with but you probably should just extend your hand out and introduce yourself as "W's wife and mommy to ..." If it's the scenario where she makes a comment about your family as if you are are invsible, then I would say "where are B's manners, she really should introduce us, I'm...... and this is my daughter ...."

Good luck.

Agreed.

You have to walk a thin line between allowing yourself to be walked on and being rude.

I've sort of had something like this happen in my b-family. I resemble my b-grandmother on my mom's side very closely. (Scary close.) I've heard many variants on the theme that I got my dark brown hair from my b-grandmother; the only problem with that theory is that my b-mom is v.v.v.v. BLONDE. There isn't a dark hair anywhere on her body!

Two thoughts:

1) Using uncommon abbreviations does not help you get your point across. What's a b-family? b-grandmother? b-mom? v.v.v.v.?
2) I hope you didn't check every hair on your b-mom's body. That would be troubling.

 

[Acklander]

Personally, I'd just let it go. The reality is, when we're hanging with DH's family it's all about him, and when we're hanging with my family it leans towards being all about me.
Yeah, I'm the one who carried the baby and birthed him, but during the whole pregnancy/brand new baby thing pretty much all the focus was on me, and how I was feeling. I don't mind DH having the spot light when around his family and friends.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Agreed.

You have to walk a thin line between allowing yourself to be walked on and being rude.

Two thoughts:

1) Using uncommon abbreviations does not help you get your point across. What's a b-family? b-grandmother? b-mom? v.v.v.v.?
2) I hope you didn't check every hair on your b-mom's body. That would be troubling.

ETA: I'll ignore the snarky part ;-). b-family is birth family.

 

[RUDisney]

My inlaws do this. our son is 13 and over 6 ft tall they seem to beleive that he goy his height from his uncles , but what they aren't consideing is thatit may have came from my side of the family as i have a brother and a dad that are both over 6 ft as well. Both my inlaws seem to beleive that every charateristic in our son comes from their side of the family and theirs alone. I should one day to get even tell them that he isnt even blood related and that he is adopted and see what kind of reaction it sparks

The same thing happens even when your children are adopted. My MIL always marveled at how tall my DS was for his age. She assumed all Russians were short because her FIL was born there and he wasn't very tall.

Then, my DH's cousin started dating a man who was born in Moscow. He is 7'3" tall. That changed my MIL's idea about how tall Russians are. That cousin and I were just laughing the other day because now my MIL says that her now fiance and my DS are like twins. Sure, they were both born in Russia and have wavy hair of the same color. Other than that, they don't look alike at all... plus my DS is only 6'. Maybe he'll get to 6'3", but that's still a foot shorter than her DFiance.

 

[bumbershoot]

Tonight, for instance, we are at a function & I'm holding DD (23 months). I was sitting at the table giving DD dinner & someone asks "and who is this little one" I start to speak but am interrupted by "B" who says "Oh thats W's daughter...isn't she precious?" No one introduces me to this person. No one has ever said, This is W & Katie's baby...its always "W's baby".

She made another comment about how DD looks & acts just like DH, well except for her blonde hair...her comment is "No one in this family has blonde hair".

If someone is asking who the baby belongs to, just introduce yourself. If the friend interrupts, just continue introducing yourself after she's done.

If she talks about how no one on that side has x feature, either let it go (others can see with their own eyes) or speak up.

No need to be snarky, just be matter of fact.


My MIL was great about recognizing that DS looks somewhat like DH from when DS was half an hour old...he might have had bright orange hair and blue eyes at the time, but she could see the Korean features in his face regardless of the color differences.

However, she's become obsessed with how much DS looks like my brother (she met him once, at hubby and my wedding). And this is SOLELY because DS is trim and athletic, and so is my brother. Right now hubby and I are not slim and trim. This is MIL's sole basis, but she's afraid to come out and say it.

I got tired of it, so last time she started on it, I simply told her that my brother is slim because he runs for 2 hours every day, and that when he doesn't run he chunks up (last year he had an undiagnosed hernia and could only swim, and he gained weight because even though the workout was just as hard, his body doesn't respond to swimming like it does to running). And that he was a round baby and child, only slimmed down once he was 15...whereas I was a very slim child, and I worked out all the time from 11 through 30, and was athletic and in shape, and she's just seeing what happens when I do NOT work out. She also has yet to notice that I'm trimming down. Or that DS and I are like twins in many ways (while still looking like hubby in other ways). NO, it's just that he looks like his uncle...which he doesn't, except that they are both slim.

It felt good to just STATE that, without being snarky, though she didn't really hear it. I might have to bring in pictures next time I see her!