What to do if you think your ds22 is being emotionally abused?

[Disneyfan754321]

Our son still lives with us, last year my dh took a job 600 miles away, this was going to be temporary we all knew that.
My ds met a girl at school, before we knew it she would not leave his side.
I am probably leaving things out I may have to fill in
Our ds has always been a family kid, helping out always doing commuinty service, giving small gifts to us (mom and dad)
Fast forward a few months he misses every family event, we even invite her.
When she does show up all, she is pulling him away always make side conversation pulling him away. She yells at him constantly telling him what do do. I call it momming him. My dh jers her say if you go home (600 miles away) for the weekend for your brothers birthday then you will break up with me and ruin my life. She says things similar to this all the time. Now our ds says things he would never say like why cant you let me grown up, cant see I'm happy you dont want me to be happy. And when asked to help bring in the groceries I was told what you cant do it. I think the hardest part is seeing him change into someone we dont know.
We looked up the signs online and it says that he's in a toxic relationship. I dont know what yo do. My dh says we should just let him go, tell him to get out. I dont have issues with him having a gf, but I want it to be the right one. I know he is young and relationships play out. But this is getting worse everyday. We have even thought maybe she doesnt know she is doing this. This is my sons first real girlfriend so he doesnt see it.
Thanks all for your input, most of us are parents.
How do you have conversation this heavy. His dad sent him the links from justoneinlove he/we are not alone.

 

[ronandannette]

The main detail that's missing here is your son's age. There's a great deal of difference between how you "parent" a 17 year old v.s. an adult in their 20's. Also your post has quite a few typos (not knocking you - we all make them) that make what you're saying quite unclear. If you could go back through and correct them it would make it way easier for us to reply in ways that make sense.

 

[SirDuff]

The main detail that's missing here is your son's age. There's a great deal of difference between how you "parent" a 17 year old v.s. an adult in their 20's. Also your post has quite a few typos (not knocking you - we all make them) that make what you're saying quite unclear. If you could go back through and correct them it would make it way easier for us to reply in ways that make sense.

The title says DS22.

OP - is this the same son that wasn't going to come on your Disney trip without her?

 

[ronandannette]

The title says DS22.

OP - is this the same son that wasn't going to come on your Disney trip without her?

Ooops. 22 y.o. gets to do what he wants AND bears all the consequences, IMO. It's clearly time for this particular DS to move out and make his own way.

 

[SirDuff]

Ooops. 22 y.o. gets to do what he wants AND bears all the consequences, IMO. It's clearly time for this particular DS to move out and make his own way.

I honestly missed it too - that's why I checked the other posts (to see if an age was there) and realised that this is the same poster (new name though - I just realised) as that thread. Or someone with children the same age, also planning a trip to Orlando but not visiting WDW, and a son who received a Wish Trip in the past.

 

[Summer2018]

It's very hard with adult children. My DD21 and I are very close, and she was in a toxic relationship in high school for over a year. In spite of our closeness and her willingness to listen to my opinion, it didn't stop her from staying with him even though he made her miserable. They broke up because he cheated on her with a friend, right under her nose. She now looks back on that time in her life with perspective and sees him for what he was. That horrible experience taught her what she absolutely does not want in a relationship. She learned quite a bit from all of her relationships, and she will work hard to find the guy that is right for her and hopefully enjoy a healthy relationship one day. As for now, she is happily single.

I think all that we can do is love them, support them, and let them know that we are here for them with a soft place to fall.

 

[Disneyfan754321]

It's very hard with adult children. My DD21 and I are very close, and she was in a toxic relationship in high school for over a year. In spite of our closeness and her willingness to listen to my opinion, it didn't stop her from staying with him even though he made her miserable. They broke up because he cheated on her with a friend, right under her nose. She now looks back on that time in her life with perspective and sees him for what he was. That horrible experience taught her what she absolutely does not want in a relationship. She learned quite a bit from all of her relationships, and she will work hard to find the guy that is right for her and hopefully enjoy a healthy relationship one day. As for now, she is happily single.

I think all that we can do is love them, support them, and let them know that we are here for them with a soft place to fall.

It's really nice to know I'm not alone, thanks for the replies and the few private messages

 

[Disneyfan754321]

The main detail that's missing here is your son's age. There's a great deal of difference between how you "parent" a 17 year old v.s. an adult in their 20's. Also your post has quite a few typos (not knocking you - we all make them) that make what you're saying quite unclear. If you could go back through and correct them it would make it way easier for us to reply in ways that make sense.

I am sorry I am doing this all on my cell phone, trying to put a lot of info with out writing a novel.
All the same thanks for the support.

 

[simplymama]

As I just said on another thread to you, it's very hard for a mom and sometimes even dad, as new people come onboard to the family, even when they are the nicest people. So if you don't like them very much I'm sure that makes it even harder.

Our hopes and dreams for our kids are ours, but in reality they are the ones that have to live their lives, not us. There is always a chance that parents may not like the person a grown child chooses. That said there is no need to accept disrespect in your home and definitely your ds needs to do his part if he's still living at home.

Time for a sit down and perhaps even a contract.

Adult children living in a home have to act like adults. Treating each other with respect. Perhaps you might have a rule that they are either in school full time, working full time or out actively looking for work and they should really be contributing to the home if done with school. That may or may not be monetarily (some people charge their grown children rent and unknown to the child put it in an account for them and they can use it for their first and last month rent when they move out, if they do so on happy terms) but definitely should be helping with some household duties and responsibilities.

Is ds gong to eat any of these groceries he didn't want to carry in? Time for a planned out talk.

He's pushing and pulling away because it's the natural order of things. They want to spend all their time together because when you are young and in love that is normal. The reality is this is just a smoother transition for some "kids" even within the same family. Some do it more loudly than others, but that doesn't give him the right to treat you or any other family member badly.

Hang in their mama. It's not easy watching them fly.

 

[Disneyfan754321]

As I just said on another thread to you, it's very hard for a mom and sometimes even dad, as new people come onboard to the family, even when they are the nicest people. So if you don't like them very much I'm sure that makes it even harder.

Our hopes and dreams for our kids are ours, but in reality they are the ones that have to live their lives, not us. There is always a chance that parents may not like the person a grown child chooses. That said there is no need to accept disrespect in your home and definitely your ds needs to do his part if he's still living at home.

Time for a sit down and perhaps even a contract.

Adult children living in a home have to act like adults. Treating each other with respect. Perhaps you might have a rule that they are either in school full time, working full time or out actively looking for work and they should really be contributing to the home if done with school. That may or may not be monetarily (some people charge their grown children rent and unknown to the child put it in an account for them and they can use it for their first and last month rent when they move out, if they do so on happy terms) but definitely should be helping with some household duties and responsibilities.

Is ds gong to eat any of these groceries he didn't want to carry in? Time for a planned out talk.

He's pushing and pulling away because it's the natural order of things. They want to spend all their time together because when you are young and in love that is normal. The reality is this is just a smoother transition for some "kids" even within the same family. Some do it more loudly than others, but that doesn't give him the right to treat you or any other family member badly.

Hang in their mama. It's not easy watching them fly.

That was nicely said, thank you