What to do?(Gross topic)

[lovemylife]

Tonight I met a mother and a girl my DS5 goes to school with for dinner. This girl who is also 5 is not potty trained at all. She still wears pull ups. Well, while at dinner the girl who was really loud and naughty (the type you don't want in a restaurant) stood up and decided she had to urinate. She then did so while we were eating. She smelled really bad because I think she already soiled that pull up. She also leaked through the pull up because her pants were wet in the back. I know because she was standing up yelling through dinner. Then as we were leaving she had to have a BM and decided to do so right at the door as people were coming in and going out.
Now my concern is that they want to go out to eat a few times per month and I was totally repulsed at this. How do I handle this? The mother said that she has no interest in using the bathroom at all.
Thanks for your suggestions in advance.

 

[WDWMom]

I'm thinking I would never go out with her again. I know it seems judgemental, but I think at 5 one should be able to use the potty. Wondering who the parent is in this case? Child or adult?

 

[Ilovemylife]

I'd be busy the next time they called ~ and the 20 times after that.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

umm...eww..
I'd politely find ways out of going out with them again....

Her childs inability to potty train is one thing...the way she flaunts it is total lack of parenting...

 

[mjkacmom]

My neighbor's oldest trained at 2 1/2, after expressing interest in using the potty, so her philosophy was to wait until they wanted to use it. However, fast forward to her ds's 4th birthday, who already missed a year of preschool because he wasn't trained, and he was signed up to start in a month. She then realized that not all children will decide on their own, and trained him. A month later, he was in school, fully potty trained.

I waited until my 2 oldest were 3, and it took forever. I nakey butted my next 3 at 2 1/2, and it took less than a week. Heck, most of my kids would still have pacifiers if I let them!

I truly believe there is a PTing window, and if you miss it, you are going to have a tough time. Until that child is trained, I think I would say no to dinners out (and unless that child has special needs, the parents are wack-a-doos).

 

[HelenePA]

ewww who wants to change a 5yr old's diaper... blech...... I would also be VERY busy when they call... oh yuck... is there a reason she's still in diapers? besides her not wanting to use the potty that is?

 

[scottishduffy]

Does this girl have some serious developmental issues? There should be no other reason for her to be that way. I would avoid them. No way should you subject yourself and your son to that.

I feel bad for the other mom, but barring the child having some serious issues it is entirely her own fault. Start being 'busy' on these days when she wants to go to dinner.

 

[mrsv98]

That kind of behavior is really odd in a child that age. I would absolutely never go out with them again!

Is her mother really passive? How did she respond to that behavior?

 

[lovemylife]

Thank you for all your replies so far. I found it so disgusting that she was going to the bathroom out in public. If she was not PT'd that was one thing, but still take her to the bathroom and try or at least change her. It sounds bad, but I can still "smell" it.

 

[KyraS]

Wow, I can't help but wonder if the child has some issues developmentally or mentally maybe. I just can't imagine a 5 year old acting like that.

 

[northcapemaymom]

Eek, eek, and triple eek! Do you really want to join these people for another meal?! I'd be grossed out beyond belief even if it didn't involve food. Is the only reason (outside of medical) that this child is not potty trained is because she doesn't feel like it? Something major is wrong here, and the "Do I want unnecessary baggage in my life? meter" should be going full tilt. Do you really want to cultivate a relationship with this family? Sorry if this may seem harsh ,but I'd walk away (with a clothespin on the nose) from this one.

 

[phragmipedium]

Yikes! That's a tough one. I can see why you wouldn't want to go out to eat; that's not really an appetizing or polite dinner to sit through.

I'm not a parent, so I don't really know what it will take to get her potty-trained, nor what's an acceptable, non-traumatizing way to do it. I'd imagine not going out to eat until she's potty-trained would be considered traumatizing or something. But man, I wouldn't want to deal with that in public with my child when not necessary, so I probably wouldn't be going out to eat very often. At five shouldn't she be in school? Don't children need to be potty-trained to be in school? Don't get me wrong, I took a long time myself (almost 3 1/2 - my poor parents) but I thought around a certain age, children realize that the other children and older people are potty-trained and want to be "grown up" too.

I would imagine, if she hasn't already, that your friend might be consulting a pediatrician soon for some advice. Hopefully once this is under control you can start enjoying time out with them again. In the meantime, you can either avoid and "be busy," or be honest by politely letting your friend know you were uncomfortable at dinner the next time she asks you to go out. If you go the latter route, you might not ever be going out again - so I'd be careful how you handle it and probably not go there unless pressed. A third option would be to talk to your friend about how much you crave some adult time out alone, and suggest that your dinners out be child-free. If they can afford babysitting or have some older children siblings in their home, that might be a good route to go.

 

[lovemylife]

The mother said that she put her in counseling, but it hasn't helped at all. She said that that girl is afraid of going. The mother said that no other people in class, but the teacher know, but I think that kids see the pull up because she does not hide it well and if she goes, it smells bad. The girl doesn't seem like she has any other issues, but it is hard to tell.

 

[SplshMtn99]

She attends school in diapers? I have no kids, but is that allowed? Don't they need to be potty trained? I'm assuming its kindergarten?

 

[tekmom]

Is this little girl in kindergarten? Unless there is some sort of medical problem or something, I can't believe the mother and father have allowed this to progress....that's just....bad.

 

[agnes!]

The mother said that she put her in counseling, but it hasn't helped at all. She said that that girl is afraid of going. The mother said that no other people in class, but the teacher know, but I think that kids see the pull up because she does not hide it well and if she goes, it smells bad. The girl doesn't seem like she has any other issues, but it is hard to tell.

THE MOTHER PUT THE CHILD IN COUNSELING?!? Oh, hahahahahahahahahahahahahaHA! The MOTHER is the one who needs counseling. SHEESH! The child might have some physical issues, that should be ruled out, but the MOTHER is the one who needs some INTERVENTION.

Needless to say...no dinners out. If she asks, I would tell the mother the truth that you find the current situation to be very unpleasant. Like you'll HURL if you go out to dinner with them.

omg.
agnes!

 

[lovemylife]

She attends school in diapers? I have no kids, but is that allowed? Don't they need to be potty trained? I'm assuming its kindergarten?

Yes, I thought that they needed to be PT'd. My DS took until age 3, but he finally did it. I was worried that I was the only one that had a late trainer, and was worried about going to school. They are in a Y5's class in a charter school.

 

[disykat]

I'd say no to dinners out and be honest about the reason. "Last time didn't go so well, so we'd better wait until the kids are a little older." Maybe you can suggest meeting at an outdoor playground or something if you still WISH to socialize.

While this might unfairly allow her to unfairly partially blame your ds, it might keep things smoother. If she is actually dumb enough to ask for clarification, I'd be honest again and tell her that you felt uncomfortable with her dd's loud behavior. I don't think you have to even mention her potty issues, her behavior enough was reason to not wish to be in a public restaurant with them.

There are many health reasons that even adults soil themselves. However, you would expect their caregivers to deal with it immediately if they did so. Knowing only what you've said, it does sound like the mom has some issues that might be hindering this girl's progress.

 

[lovemylife]

Thanks disykat.

My DS did enjoy playing with her, but when we came home he was not behaving very well and was acting up. He was acting more rude than is normal for him, he was bosy and was not being polite. He refused to go to bed well, too. I believe it has to do with the way this girl behaved and got away with it. The mom didn't really correct her behaviour, but I am not going to let my DS act up because of another child.

 

[floridafam]

I wouldn't run the other way but casually try and help in this situation. Yes, what happened was gross. Even if she has a reason for still being in pull ups she should have been taken to the bathroom.

Anyway, the girl should see a Dr. either a family Dr. or a Urologist. She could have a medical issue as to why she isn't able to go on the toilet.

Our DD has developmental issues and is not potty trained yet at 3 1/2 but she'll get there and I certainly would have taken her to the bathroom to do her business. Our DD has been thoroughally evaluated by her Dr. and a Urologist.

There could be any number of things wrong with the child.