What To Do About A Child Who Lies ALL the time?

[momof1princess]

my DD12 is driving me NUTS! she lies constantly, knowing she's going to get caught, and that the consequence for lying is much worse than for what she lied about. i just don't understand WHY she does it?

a little back story:
i saw a pack of note cards in her purse-i bought her those note cards about a month ago for a research project she's doing IN SCHOOL. all the work is done there. i asked her "honey, why did you not use these?" she said "oh, i didn't need them". i said "are you sure?" she said "yes mommy." i said "so your project is going well? no problems? you don't need any help?" her: "no mommy, it's going great." she brings home a half-9 weeks progress report today, and she got a ZERO on the note cards. she said she lied to me last night because she was afraid of getting in trouble-well the trouble is ten times worse now, because she lied to me AGAIN on top of it!

it's gotten to the point i can't trust her to tell me the truth about anything. i honestly don't know what to do. i'm sitting here in tears because i'm so angry, frustrated and upset, i can't even talk to her for fear of what i might say. WHY does she do it? HOW can i get across to her how important telling the truth and doing her work is?

 

[tzolkin]

We've been having lying issues with my DD11.

Fortunately (I guess ), she's been lying about things that are extremely obvious. For some reason even when faced with physical proof, she still denies things. Most of the time it's something that she would not get in trouble for, so I really don't understand the lies.

Earlier this year she cut her hair. It was very obvious (she cut long bangs), but she kept insisting that her hair was not cut-- I was just mistaken and that's how it naturally was.

About two weeks ago she came home from school with eye makeup on. I was at the post office, so DH discussed it with me when I got home (to make sure that I didn't give her permission). When we tried to discuss it with her, she just kept insisting that she didn't have any makeup on. We told her to look in the mirror. Her excuse... Her friend was putting on makeup on the bus and it must have went over a bump and some got on her It must have been an amazing bump to apply eyeliner and mascara to both eyes.


The only thing that seems to phase her is discussing that we can no longer trust her and that she will not be able to have any freedom when she gets to be a teen if we cannot trust her.

 

[momof1princess]

We've been having lying issues with my DD11.

Fortunately (I guess ), she's been lying about things that are extremely obvious. For some reason even when faced with physical proof, she still denies things. Most of the time it's something that she would not get in trouble for, so I really don't understand the lies.

Earlier this year she cut her hair. It was very obvious (she cut long bangs), but she kept insisting that her hair was not cut-- I was just mistaken and that's how it naturally was.

About two weeks ago she came home from school with eye makeup on. I was at the post office, so DH discussed it with me when I got home (to make sure that I didn't give her permission). When we tried to discuss it with her, she just kept insisting that she didn't have any makeup on. We told her to look in the mirror. Her excuse... Her friend was putting on makeup on the bus and it must have went over a bump and some got on her It must have been an amazing bump to apply eyeliner and mascara to both eyes.


The only thing that seems to phase her is discussing that we can no longer trust her and that she will not be able to have any freedom when she gets to be a teen if we cannot trust her.

i think you've got a future politician on your hands!
i've discussed with DD how important it is that we can trust her if she wants to have any freedom as a teenager, especially once she gets a driver's license, but that didn't work. neither does stressing the importance of grades and completing your work to get into college. she just doesn't seem to care. i'm just so frustrated with the constant lying, though. she says she does it because she's afraid of getting into trouble but she KNOWS she gets in more trouble for lying than telling the truth, even if the truth is not good. i just don't understand her logic and i've become so frustrated, i can't even type properly anymore! i've redone this 3-4 times now!

 

[Loritlc3]

I have been working with a family whose six year old lies all the time. There are some decent articles regarding teens and lying if you google.
The main motivation to lie is to avoid consequences. usually because somewhere along the line it worked.

If you can set up some established rules after you are calmer it can really help out. I would suggest sitting down as a family with a paper and pen and discussing household rules and consequences. So if your teen fails a class their consequence is ________. If they break curfew their consequence is ________________. If they lie their consequence is____________. Let your child participate with you in making consequences(you have the final say of course). This really can work! You should be able to find and print out a behavioral contract or type up and sign your fmaily rules and consequences.
One family had their teenagers come up with a list of negative consequences, clean the bathroom, no computer, etc.. and put them in a jar, when they broke a rule like backtalking they had to choose something from the jar and do it.

Logical consequences are always best. Try to relate them to the broken rule. Poor grade then extra time sitting at the table doing homework each night, say something mean to someone, have to write a page full of compliments, etc..

Try to take the emotion out of it because frankly I think some people lie to protect themselves from the consequences and others because it is a challenge to try and get away with something.

let me know if anything helps.

 

[Tiger926]

I have been working with a family whose six year old lies all the time. There are some decent articles regarding teens and lying if you google.
The main motivation to lie is to avoid consequences. usually because somewhere along the line it worked.

If you can set up some established rules after you are calmer it can really help out. I would suggest sitting down as a family with a paper and pen and discussing household rules and consequences. So if your teen fails a class their consequence is ________. If they break curfew their consequence is ________________. If they lie their consequence is____________. Let your child participate with you in making consequences(you have the final say of course). This really can work! You should be able to find and print out a behavioral contract or type up and sign your fmaily rules and consequences.
One family had their teenagers come up with a list of negative consequences, clean the bathroom, no computer, etc.. and put them in a jar, when they broke a rule like backtalking they had to choose something from the jar and do it.

Logical consequences are always best. Try to relate them to the broken rule. Poor grade then extra time sitting at the table doing homework each night, say something mean to someone, have to write a page full of compliments, etc..

Try to take the emotion out of it because frankly I think some people lie to protect themselves from the consequences and others because it is a challenge to try and get away with something.

let me know if anything helps.

Excellent advice! I'm a Spec Ed teacher of at-risk kids, so lying is 2nd nature for most of them for various reason: self-preservation, protection, behaviour issues (afraid to get caught), peer pressure, bad role models in adults, lack of accountability, learning challenges and mental issues.

You need to try as suggested, but also keep an eye out for what type of lies and the reactions you get. When kids lie while holding stuff in their hands that they are insisting they didn't steal or take, than there are more issues than just teen hormones, IMHO.

Being accountable for our actions is something that I find many adults struggle with, so this is an area that seriously lacks in teens too.

Good luck, Tiger

 

[JUJU814]

We've been having lying issues with my DD11.

Fortunately (I guess ), she's been lying about things that are extremely obvious. For some reason even when faced with physical proof, she still denies things. Most of the time it's something that she would not get in trouble for, so I really don't understand the lies.

Earlier this year she cut her hair. It was very obvious (she cut long bangs), but she kept insisting that her hair was not cut-- I was just mistaken and that's how it naturally was.

About two weeks ago she came home from school with eye makeup on. I was at the post office, so DH discussed it with me when I got home (to make sure that I didn't give her permission). When we tried to discuss it with her, she just kept insisting that she didn't have any makeup on. We told her to look in the mirror. Her excuse... Her friend was putting on makeup on the bus and it must have went over a bump and some got on her It must have been an amazing bump to apply eyeliner and mascara to both eyes.

The only thing that seems to phase her is discussing that we can no longer trust her and that she will not be able to have any freedom when she gets to be a teen if we cannot trust her.

I'm so sorry..I don't have any advice, but I just found that story hysterical..not the lying obviously, just the story in general. Good luck!!!

 

[dogodisney]

my DD12 is driving me NUTS! she lies constantly, knowing she's going to get caught, and that the consequence for lying is much worse than for what she lied about. i just don't understand WHY she does it?

a little back story:
i saw a pack of note cards in her purse-i bought her those note cards about a month ago for a research project she's doing IN SCHOOL. all the work is done there. i asked her "honey, why did you not use these?" she said "oh, i didn't need them". i said "are you sure?" she said "yes mommy." i said "so your project is going well? no problems? you don't need any help?" her: "no mommy, it's going great." she brings home a half-9 weeks progress report today, and she got a ZERO on the note cards. she said she lied to me last night because she was afraid of getting in trouble-well the trouble is ten times worse now, because she lied to me AGAIN on top of it!

it's gotten to the point i can't trust her to tell me the truth about anything. i honestly don't know what to do. i'm sitting here in tears because i'm so angry, frustrated and upset, i can't even talk to her for fear of what i might say. WHY does she do it? HOW can i get across to her how important telling the truth and doing her work is?

i think you've got a future politician on your hands!
i've discussed with DD how important it is that we can trust her if she wants to have any freedom as a teenager, especially once she gets a driver's license, but that didn't work. neither does stressing the importance of grades and completing your work to get into college. she just doesn't seem to care. i'm just so frustrated with the constant lying, though. she says she does it because she's afraid of getting into trouble but she KNOWS she gets in more trouble for lying than telling the truth, even if the truth is not good. i just don't understand her logic and i've become so frustrated, i can't even type properly anymore! i've redone this 3-4 times now!

Everytime you catch her in a lie let her know that you are disappointed, hurt and she is losing your trust you have in her now and if it continues, when it comes time she wants to go off to a friends house or go off with her friends she won't be able to go since you won't be able to trust her. She doesn't care about you trusting her when she has her license because that's in the future and not affecting her now.

As far as school all you can do is constantly remind her how important an education is. Hope fully she'll come around. There are people who either just don't understand how important an education is or they just don't care, as well as those that just can't handle school.

We've been having lying issues with my DD11.

Fortunately (I guess ), she's been lying about things that are extremely obvious. For some reason even when faced with physical proof, she still denies things. Most of the time it's something that she would not get in trouble for, so I really don't understand the lies.

Earlier this year she cut her hair. It was very obvious (she cut long bangs), but she kept insisting that her hair was not cut-- I was just mistaken and that's how it naturally was.

About two weeks ago she came home from school with eye makeup on. I was at the post office, so DH discussed it with me when I got home (to make sure that I didn't give her permission). When we tried to discuss it with her, she just kept insisting that she didn't have any makeup on. We told her to look in the mirror. Her excuse... Her friend was putting on makeup on the bus and it must have went over a bump and some got on her It must have been an amazing bump to apply eyeliner and mascara to both eyes.

The only thing that seems to phase her is discussing that we can no longer trust her and that she will not be able to have any freedom when she gets to be a teen if we cannot trust her.

Okay, that is just hilarious! Easy for me to find it funny since it wasn't my child telling me that story.


Deep down kids don't want to hurt their parents and they want their trust. I have two teenage DDs, so DH and I have instilled the importance of not lying and how they will lose our trust if they do since they were little. They've done pretty good so far. This year both of them will be getting their licenses so we will have that as leverage. With the two of them, one is an A student, who school is important to and the other one doesnt do as well and doesn't put in as much effort. They both have been giving the same set of values, but it just goes to show how different people are and what what school means to them.


All my best to both of you. Being parents is a constant challenge.

 

[SheriN]

I have to chime in on this to ask what do you do with a liar that no consequences work? Take away the computer, no big deal. Take away tv, no big deal. Ask him to come up with what he thinks his punishment should be, and nothing.

Have had an issue with my 15yo ss who lives with us. Dad hates liars and has told him punishment for lying will be worse then if he did whatever was wrong in the first place, but so far I'm not seeing anything that could be considered worse in way of punishments/

I've always heard to find their currency, something that really matters to them, and then use that as punishment. What do you do when there IS nothing that matters? Or he's hidden what he cares about so deeply that I'm not even sure he knows anymore.

I just know that he's seeing that if he lies it's no big thing, he just gets computer taken away for a week, or other small things, so there's nothing to stop him from doing it again.

I told him that when I was little I stole something, my punishment was so severe to me, that I never did it again. When actually all it was was I had to go in the store, apologize, and pay for it. Then everyone else got the candy I stole except for me, but to me that was bad enough that I never once thought of stealing something. I asked him to come up with a punishment that would be so severe to him that it would make him think twice about lying, and he had nothing. In fact went over the time deadline because he had nothing and had to be asked why he didn't come tell us at deadline time.

Dad is at a loss on what to do, and mom is so far out of the picture that she might as well not even exist.

It's probably too late to get through to him, but I hope it's not. Otherwise he's going to think he can get away with anything and there'll be no punishment. If he's like this at 15 what's he going to be like when he has a car of his own and is harder to keep track of.

 

[crisi]

I'm not sure if it would work, but its worth a try....

When she tells a whopper, pull out the video camera and make her retell her story to the camera. Then play it back for her.

She'll either stop lying or get WAY better at it.

 

[crisi]

It's probably too late to get through to him, but I hope it's not. Otherwise he's going to think he can get away with anything and there'll be no punishment. If he's like this at 15 what's he going to be like when he has a car of his own and is harder to keep track of.

No car of his own. And when he's eighteen tell him his problems become his problems.

He's old enough to start having SOME thoughts for the future. Make it clear that if he isn't living up to your expectations (minimal expectations), he gets the boot on his eighteenth birthday.

 

[SheriN]

Oh at 18 he's sooo outta here, not just for the lying but for a lot of other things as well.

Not just no car, but this drivers ed he wants to take, well, sure you can take it, but you won't be practicing in my car. After all, I can't trust you not to tell me a lie, how can I trust you with my huge SUV. And since he can't drive his dads car, cause it's a company vehicle, well guess that whole lying thing finally caught up to you.

Yep that might work sink in.

 

[NotUrsula]

I have to chime in on this to ask what do you do with a liar that no consequences work? Take away the computer, no big deal. Take away tv, no big deal. Ask him to come up with what he thinks his punishment should be, and nothing.

Have had an issue with my 15yo ss who lives with us. Dad hates liars and has told him punishment for lying will be worse then if he did whatever was wrong in the first place, but so far I'm not seeing anything that could be considered worse in way of punishments.

...
Dad is at a loss on what to do, and mom is so far out of the picture that she might as well not even exist.

The two bolded items are probably your answer. You've got a kid that was deserted by his mother, and though he may not openly show it, probably believes that he is worthless and disposable, since he got "thrown away." He is probably deliberately trying to keep his father at a distance so that he won't be too attached to him, too, and since Dad "hates liars" it is an easy way to create that emotional distance, and also may have the collateral benefit of occasionally allowing him to avoid punishments if he learns to do it well.

Most people who lie reflexively are seriously conflict-averse, but that might not be the case with this young man. He sounds like the sort of kid who has come to believe that he is worthless, and figures that he might as well live for himself because no one else is going to care about him anyway.

BTW, really conflict-averse people never naturally care about future consequences. They find conflict of any kind so painful that they will do anything to avoid it at the moment that it looms. One of the things that makes people like this dig themselves deeper is giving them a possible out by asking them to confess to lying. You never want to do that, because they will try to take the escape route EVERY time.

 

[starsweeper]

Oh at 18 he's sooo outta here, not just for the lying but for a lot of other things as well.

Not just no car, but this drivers ed he wants to take, well, sure you can take it, but you won't be practicing in my car. After all, I can't trust you not to tell me a lie, how can I trust you with my huge SUV. And since he can't drive his dads car, cause it's a company vehicle, well guess that whole lying thing finally caught up to you.

Yep that might work sink in.

He definitely wouldn't be getting a car at our house. I taught middle school, and the thing that got my teens in school was not being able to talk with other teens. Does he get phone or text privileges taken away when he lies? Just a suggestion, but if he can still communicate with friends via phone/text, taking away his computer might not be so bad.

 

[starsweeper]

my DD12 is driving me NUTS! she lies constantly, knowing she's going to get caught, and that the consequence for lying is much worse than for what she lied about. i just don't understand WHY she does it?

a little back story:
i saw a pack of note cards in her purse-i bought her those note cards about a month ago for a research project she's doing IN SCHOOL. all the work is done there. i asked her "honey, why did you not use these?" she said "oh, i didn't need them". i said "are you sure?" she said "yes mommy." i said "so your project is going well? no problems? you don't need any help?" her: "no mommy, it's going great." she brings home a half-9 weeks progress report today, and she got a ZERO on the note cards. she said she lied to me last night because she was afraid of getting in trouble-well the trouble is ten times worse now, because she lied to me AGAIN on top of it!

it's gotten to the point i can't trust her to tell me the truth about anything. i honestly don't know what to do. i'm sitting here in tears because i'm so angry, frustrated and upset, i can't even talk to her for fear of what i might say. WHY does she do it? HOW can i get across to her how important telling the truth and doing her work is?

Here's one tip for keeping up with her lying about school: use an agenda to communicate with teachers. You may want to schedule a conference with her teachers, including your DD, to explain that she is lying about completing school work. Use the school's agenda book, or purchase one. Ask the teachers to sign her agenda book at the end of each period after verifying she wrote down homework, completed work for the day, etc. Then you can verify she is doing what she says, and write back questions you may have to the teacher for the next day if something seems off.

 

[hsmamato2]

Oh at 18 he's sooo outta here, not just for the lying but for a lot of other things as well.

Not just no car, but this drivers ed he wants to take, well, sure you can take it, but you won't be practicing in my car. After all, I can't trust you not to tell me a lie, how can I trust you with my huge SUV. And since he can't drive his dads car, cause it's a company vehicle, well guess that whole lying thing finally caught up to you.

Yep that might work sink in.

this is a bigger issue for you than just some lies,I can tell..but try this. instead of random things,hoping it'll "sink in" as a consequence(trust me,it won't on it's own) SPELL IT OUT CLEARLY.
As in " I;m sorry kid, but on these specific dates,you lied to me,and your dad. Therefore,you may not take drivers ed,as my trust in you right now is diminished to the point that we won't allow you to use our cars. The ONLY way to take this course is to STOP the BEHAVIOR and work on being a trustworthy person. Otherwise,get used to walking or riding a bike.'
Then clearly spell out what he needs to do to start gaining your trust. If he doesn't,then the consequence is his own,and you've clearly stated it for him,so there's no misunderstanding.

 

[susykt4]

I remember lying constantly at ages maybe 12-14 just because I could. I was trying to see what I could get away with. I would lie for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I would lie about grades. I would lie about going to Jenny's house when I was really going to Jody's house- and my mom didn't have ANY issues with me going to Jody's. I think I was just testing my limits and expressing my increasing independence. My parents were strict and extremely religious and I was certainly brought up with values. When I was caught in a lie, I was punished much worse than I would have been otherwise. I didn't really care. It was mostly just an experimental phase. I grew out of it. I was a stubborn brat and the more my mom pushed it the more I lied. Sigh. My daughter should be hitting this phase in the next few years. I have no idea what I'll do

 

[Loritlc3]

The two bolded items are probably your answer. You've got a kid that was deserted by his mother, and though he may not openly show it, probably believes that he is worthless and disposable, since he got "thrown away." He is probably deliberately trying to keep his father at a distance so that he won't be too attached to him, too, and since Dad "hates liars" it is an easy way to create that emotional distance, and also may have the collateral benefit of occasionally allowing him to avoid punishments if he learns to do it well.

Ditto! What are the relationships like here. Is he aware that he is 'outta there' as soon as you are legally able to do so? Can his dad bump up the positive time with him in order to improve some of these relationships.

It is hard to imagine a child deserted by his mother to not be acting out in some ways wouldn't you agree?

 

[SheriN]

The two bolded items are probably your answer. You've got a kid that was deserted by his mother, and though he may not openly show it, probably believes that he is worthless and disposable, since he got "thrown away." He is probably deliberately trying to keep his father at a distance so that he won't be too attached to him, too, and since Dad "hates liars" it is an easy way to create that emotional distance, and also may have the collateral benefit of occasionally allowing him to avoid punishments if he learns to do it well.

Most people who lie reflexively are seriously conflict-averse, but that might not be the case with this young man. He sounds like the sort of kid who has come to believe that he is worthless, and figures that he might as well live for himself because no one else is going to care about him anyway.

BTW, really conflict-averse people never naturally care about future consequences. They find conflict of any kind so painful that they will do anything to avoid it at the moment that it looms. One of the things that makes people like this dig themselves deeper is giving them a possible out by asking them to confess to lying. You never want to do that, because they will try to take the escape route EVERY time.

Actually I think you hit the nail on the head very well, except for one thing. A comment he made a long time ago was about not caring. He said he didn't care about anything because he knows it could be taken away from him. His mom has chosen to be very rarely in his life, he thought his grandparents were moving away forever, and a girl he liked decided she liked another guy instead.

So to him, caring about something meant you would get hurt. So why bother became his mantra.

Coupled that in with he will avoid conflict like the plague. So by lying he avoids getting into trouble for whatever he's lying about in the first place. Only he's never learned that by lying he gets into worse trouble then if he'd just told the truth in the first place.

And that's the issue, he's not learned...or at least it's not sunk in...that actions have consequences because none of his consequences have been bad enough. So he doesnt' care that he gets in trouble.

It's hard to say A, B and C are the things that make up problem D with him. But they are all interchangeable and have something to do with his frame of mind now.

 

[momof1princess]

thank you everyone for sharing your stories and excellent suggestions! i was worried about posting this yesterday, but i was SO beside myself, i didn't know where to turn, and i'm glad i posted it! Sheri...your story breaks my heart. i was that "disposable" child. dad walked out when i was 9, mom worked constantly to support us, etc. it's the worst feeling in the world to believe you have no one and that everything you know could be gone in an instant. i pray you can find a way to help your SS.

 

[Harlie]

my DD12 is driving me NUTS! she lies constantly, knowing she's going to get caught, and that the consequence for lying is much worse than for what she lied about. i just don't understand WHY she does it?

a little back story:
i saw a pack of note cards in her purse-i bought her those note cards about a month ago for a research project she's doing IN SCHOOL. all the work is done there. i asked her "honey, why did you not use these?" she said "oh, i didn't need them". i said "are you sure?" she said "yes mommy." i said "so your project is going well? no problems? you don't need any help?" her: "no mommy, it's going great." she brings home a half-9 weeks progress report today, and she got a ZERO on the note cards. she said she lied to me last night because she was afraid of getting in trouble-well the trouble is ten times worse now, because she lied to me AGAIN on top of it!

it's gotten to the point i can't trust her to tell me the truth about anything. i honestly don't know what to do. i'm sitting here in tears because i'm so angry, frustrated and upset, i can't even talk to her for fear of what i might say. WHY does she do it? HOW can i get across to her how important telling the truth and doing her work is?

Are you sure your not raising and talking about but my DD?

I will tell you the advice I got that seems to be working. When you are catching your child in a lie you need to get down to their level and calmly ask them to think about the lie right then in there. Give them a neutral momment where they can tell you the truth and there will be no consequences for the lying. If they tell you the truth thank them for their honesty to help build their confidence back up. If they still refuse to tell the truth give it a day and try it again. It should take a few days to get the truth the first time, but once they do tell the truth make sure you calmly thank them and stay unemotional.

Keep in mind there will still be a consequence to the action but try to keep it a "natural" consequence. Like in your dd's case she got a poor mark because she didnt complete her project as asked. The poor mark is a natural conseqence and she may not beable to make up for it. Still get her to finish her project and hand it in even though there may not be any marks given for it. This will encourage responsibility and help her to "own" her actions.

We have been down this road and let me tell you it is not fun. This method has been working for us and there is a lot less lying and stress going around in our home because of it.

Also Communication with your childs teacher is important. If you are not sure of what your childs project is about and what needs to be done don't hesistate to call their teacher. We communicate with all three kids teachers all the time lol We even have DD and younger DS teacher's home numbers lol and we talk almost once a month in the evenings lol!