What to do about a bully?

[Karel]

Our elementary school is very small. There are two classes for each grade level and most of the kids have been together since Kindergarten. We also accept tuition students from other towns. I wouldn't even call this girl a bully because I don't think it's true bullying. Can I call it harrassment?

One girl has been causing trouble for my daughter since before Christmas. Saying mean things to her and small physical shoves, bumps etc. This girl is a tuition student from out of town but has been there for at least two years now.

I'm now getting phone calls from other mothers that this girl is being nasty to their daughters too.

ETA: I forgot to mention that this is 6th grade, last year of elementary.

I've talked to the teacher, I've talked to the principal, I've talked to the counselor, I've talked to the gym teacher because he's with them at lunchtime. It's not getting better.

I think a couple of other mothers are going with me to the principal. It's gotten to the point that one of the girls doesn't want to go to school.

I just don't know what we should ask for - what we want the school to do. I guess we can see if they would bring the tuition girls Mom in and maybe we can all talk. I would like to know if the school has even talked to the other mom.

Part of me wants to tell my daughter just to suck it up and live with it. There's always going to be people like that. The other part wants to go to the other girl and just say 'cut it out'.

OK, vent over. But I do want to go into the meeting with some suggestions on how to make things better; what we are looking to do, for the school to do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Power in numbers!!! Good Luck!

 

[daisyduck123]

I know just part of you wants to say "suck it up" but I would not do it.
This has been going on for too long. 6th graders need to feel comfortable going to school. They've got enough pressures without having to have this added to it.

None of the previous strategies have worked, so I would agree with a group of you calmly discussing it with the principal. She will know that this problem does not seem to be "going away", "resolving itself", or whatever.

It sounds like this girl needs to be part of a "friendship group". Our counselor conducts these at my school.

I hope something positive comes out of this soon for you.

 

[horseshowmom]

I would definitely have all of the mothers go to the principal together and tell him/her what you just said to us (about having talked to everybody - including the principal him/herself - and nothing has changed). I would respectfully request that they tell you what action they will take to deal with the situation.

If nothing happens within a reasonalbe amount of time (within 24 hours), I would have the group go to the next level (which would be the district supt. in our case).

The fact that the child is an out of district student should make it very easy for them to remove her if she's a continuing problem. They should discuss that aspect with her parents.

And, yes, make no mistake about it - she IS being a bully. She's attempting to intimidate the others, and they shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

[agnes!]

I am so sorry for your DD and the other girls that are being intimidated and harassed.

Your school system has to have a students' rights & reponsibilities handbook. The school's responsibilities should also be listed in there. Find out what exactly the school *promises* to the students. Walk into that meeting *armed* with knowledge.

Strength in numbers, plus your husband should be there as well. In my experience, administrators respond to the dad being present...that way you can avoid the "oh she's just another hysterical mother" syndrome.

agnes!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, if your DD, and several other girls, are all upset and feeling intimidated, then this child IS being a bully.

If you have spoken with other parents, and they are ready to form a cooperative action, then I do think that you should, as a group, go to see the Principal. And, as others mentioned, I would let them know that you are asking for immediate action, and that you would like to be informed of what steps are being taken to remedy the problem.

I would NOT want to have a big pow-wow in the principal's office along with this other childs mother/parents. It is up to the school to handle this, and this is just asking for a volatile situation. Mama lionesses and all!!!

This is a situation with kids in elementary school. A lynch mob is not really necessary!! LOL!!! (just being silly here!!!)

The other parent has the right to discuss this situation, and their child, in private. Theoretically, the Principal should not even name names, or tell who exactly is making the complaint! ( Simply something to the affect "It has come to my attention that your DD may be having trouble interacting with the other kids, and has often been aggressive, at times, even pushing/shoving, blah blah blah....)

Surely, once this is all brought to the Principal's attention AGAIN, the Principal will see that he/she must now take this seriously and take some kind of action.

My guess is, since they are taking good green tuition money $$$$$$ for this child, that they really do not have any incentive to find trouble?

 

[Karel]

If nothing happens within a reasonalbe amount of time (within 24 hours), I would have the group go to the next level (which would be the district supt. in our case)..

Sadly, in this case, the Principal is the superindenant. We have only one school in our teeny tiny school district. I can't even move her to a different school.

I even worked at this school for two years so I know most of the kids personally. I'm not some uninvolved parent they can push aside. I called the Board President tonight and he said go to the principal again so that is what we will do.

Thank you, Agnes, for reminding me to check the student handbook. I've been meaning to do that to see if they spell out the plan of action.

Thanks to all of you for your words of advice. It's hard to know what to do when it's your own daughter. I don't want to be the 'my daughter wouldn't hurt a flea' camp but I don't think in this instance, she deserves the negative attention of this other girl.

 

[horseshowmom]

It sounds like your school board president is giving the principal another opportunity to solve the problem (I know that our Supt. often does that). Hopefully, the principal will handle it this time. If not, I guess the school board will have to be your next step. I think you did the right thing by making the SB president aware of what's going on.

Good luck!

 

[JenDaveBrendan]

I'm sorry, I have no advice, just sympathy towards your situation, as my son is just in Kindergarten so I don't have to deal with this yet.... but I just wanted to say that all the posts recently on bullying is really making me nervous- what is happening with our children???!!! It is just scary what is going on these days - I feel like school is so different now than when I was there (and I am only 27 years old!).
Good luck-

Jen

 

[DisnyMama]

I sympathize with your situation and in saying that all situations are different. However, the bottom line is there is never an excuse for bullying regardless of age or gender. There have been examples on the news where it starts out small and later ends up tragic because people didn't want to make waves or just thought that the kids should learn how to deal on their own and hopefully it would all go away but never does. Bullies, if not stopped, continue to bully. We reported a bully that continually harrased my son and the Dean of discipline went after him immidiately and contacted his parents and he was suspended from school and never bothered my son again. He was warned that if he ever did he could be expelled. The schools here enforce their zero tolerance policy. What the bully can do is tear at a childs self esteem along with physical pain. Being bullied and dealing with difficult people are two different things. I can remember being bullied as a kid but I have never nor do I know anyone that is or has been bullied (like a kid)as an adult. I hope that the principle or someone takes action immediately. If they refuse to do anything about it I would speak with the police and tell them the situation and see if they are able to help. One thing that I was told by the school and police is that a parent should never go directly to the offending parent directly. This can be dangerous because you never know what you are walking into and it is safest to have the school handle it for you. It is their responsibility. I wish you all the best.

 

[VSL]

When I was 5/6 I moved to a new school where I was bullied by this 1 girl for about 2yrs. She didn't hit me, but called me names and took my stuff off me, etc. The headmistress said to my parents, 'Oh, her parents have just seperated'!!!
(Yeah, like that was my fault)

In the end I just cracked and stabbed her in the head with a pencil. She never spoke to me again..

Don't get me wrong, I do not condone violence, but I was just pushed way too far! Ignoring the bully really makes no difference.

The only consolation I can see in your case is at least the girls have eachother (I had no one!).

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

DS9 just had a lovely bout with a bully last week, and this is what I learned:

The principal never intended to notify the bully's parents, even though this is his SECOND time being called in for bullying my son. Demand accountability. Our attorney was ready to notify the bully's parents herself if the principal refused to do anything.

My handbook defines the behavior you describe as bullying, but this is an enormous district with tons of violence so your principal may have a different definition.

My friend has a DS 4 years older than mine and she is CONSTANTLY reminding me that you can't expect anyone else to advocate for your child. You have to show your child you are willing to go to bat for her.

Good luck!

 

[Tantor]

And please make sure that youmake notes on everything. When you talked to them, what they said etc..
When my DD was going through her mess my DH was constantly writing things down. Believe me we have a file folder full of stuff.

Good luck!

 

[Karel]

We had our big meeting last friday with the two teachers present, the principal, two parents (one being me) and the bully's mom.

It went pretty much as I suspected it would. Bully's mom defends her daughter, says she's the victim, the outsider. Accuses 6th grade girls of being a clique and not including her daughter. Says her words are her weapon. Whatever.

No one seemed to have any answers and we were asked to make sure our daughters know they have to respect everyone and treat everyone nicely. The suggestion was made to keep the girls separate at lunch by having them go do other things - Spanish club, Art club, helping with the younger kids.

So, of course, my daughter comes home from school today (Monday) and tells me that the bully hit one of the other girls (parent was in meeting) and was in the office crying.

Finally, I get a call from the mother that this was the bully's last day of school, that she's going to be home schooled for medical reasons (she does have some major medical problems and I think she was at home the end of last year also) .

While I feel bad the girl has to leave the school, partially because I don't think her problems (why she is a bully ) were addressed, I am happy that this whole mess is over. So the great Bully crisis of 2006 is over.

 

[Susan-Storm]

Our elementary school is very small. There are two classes for each grade level and most of the kids have been together since Kindergarten. We also accept tuition students from other towns. I wouldn't even call this girl a bully because I don't think it's true bullying. Can I call it harrassment?

One girl has been causing trouble for my daughter since before Christmas. Saying mean things to her and small physical shoves, bumps etc. This girl is a tuition student from out of town but has been there for at least two years now.

I'm now getting phone calls from other mothers that this girl is being nasty to their daughters too.

ETA: I forgot to mention that this is 6th grade, last year of elementary.

I've talked to the teacher, I've talked to the principal, I've talked to the counselor, I've talked to the gym teacher because he's with them at lunchtime. It's not getting better.

I think a couple of other mothers are going with me to the principal. It's gotten to the point that one of the girls doesn't want to go to school.

I just don't know what we should ask for - what we want the school to do. I guess we can see if they would bring the tuition girls Mom in and maybe we can all talk. I would like to know if the school has even talked to the other mom.

Part of me wants to tell my daughter just to suck it up and live with it. There's always going to be people like that. The other part wants to go to the other girl and just say 'cut it out'.

OK, vent over. But I do want to go into the meeting with some suggestions on how to make things better; what we are looking to do, for the school to do.

Bullies are very painful to be around. I ws tortured for years and i am still to this day for being different i had a nervous break down due to these people that are considered humans

 

[irishbosoxfan]

When my Ds was in 6th he was being bullied everyday-made fun of,punched,poked,hit with stuff-you name it he went thru it---we had many many many meetings with the principal(this was a catholic school so we were all paying good money for our kids to be there) and nothing ever really changed(it'd be good for a couple of days then it would start again) I told the principal that my son was done going thru this and if the problem wasn't solved now my son WOULD start defending himself.
Well 2 or 3 days later I get a call telling me I had to come to the school when I went in my son was sitting there smiling-I thought okay whats going on--Well the bullies had started again and my son nailed the biggest one and didn't let up till pulled off--I can say he was never picked on the rest of his time in grammar school and he and the ringleader became friends and remain so till this day as freshmen in high school.

Sometimes it's better to stand up for yourself and show that you can handle something w/out your parents running interference. A lot of parents would be like "don't stoop to their level" but making your child let themselves be picked on to prove that they are the "bigger person" doesn't always work and can hurt them in the long run more than help them.JMO

 

[Forevryoung]

Bullies are very painful to be around. I ws tortured for years and i am still to this day for being different i had a nervous break down due to these people that are considered humans

Same thing happened to me- It sort of haunts you every day for the rest of your life... how you aren't worthy enough to be treated like a person.

 

[agnes!]

I was harassed on the schoolbus when I was in junior high. I was in 7th grade, these two girls were in 8th and my brother who was in 9th rode the same bus. These girls were jerks, even kicked/pushed my baritone horn down the stairwell, they were physically intimidating.

One day my brother had had enough. He turned around one day when they were harassing us and whacked one of them with his armload of books.

Maybe not the right thing to do, but they *stopped*.
And I was very happy they didn't go out of their way to be mean to me any more.

agnes!