What should I say to my neighbor about her kids?

[TheLittleRoo]

I drive my DD and my neighbor's 2 kids to school every morning. I offered to drive her kids early in the year, and don't mind it as it's no extra work for me. She leaves for work around that same time and I am a SAHM, plus I do really like the mom. She is one of the nicest, best people around!

But. (there's always a but, right?) It seems like ever since Christmas, her kids have become increasingly surly in the morning and it's changing my and DD's moods in the drive to school. The younger one sits in the back with my DD and intimidates her into always sitting in the middle while he gets the window (and it's HER car!) Every morning, it's getting harder to listen to them either picking on her (in a kidding way, it's hard to call them out on it but I do when they cross the line) or just complaining and fighting between themselves.

So, I'm ready to talk to the mom (my friend) about addressing it with her kids, but I want to say this in the nicest possible way without sounding like I'm insulting her kids. This is something I don't get anything back for, btw - her kids come home via daycare van so she's not driving my DD from school. Like I said, I don't mind, I like her, I like being green with the carpooling, etc - - I just want to get to the bottom of why her kids have turned nasty and making them stop.

Any ideas? Especially from any Southern moms, who can say anything and make it sound like a compliment!

 

[mjkacmom]

My car, my rules - I've been carpooling for many, many years, many different kids, and I have no problem telling them to stop. What I have found to be very effective is to put music on. I can also ignore sibling bickering - or else I would've lost my mind by now!

 

[hentob]

The younger one sits in the back with my DD and intimidates her into always sitting in the middle while he gets the window (and it's HER car!) Every morning, it's getting harder to listen to them either picking on her (in a kidding way, it's hard to call them out on it but I do when they cross the line) or just complaining and fighting between themselves.

You are the adult. You stop the car. You turn around and you say “STOP. NOW. I will NOT put up with this! If it continues for one more minute, I will be calling your mother at work to deal with you.” And if it continues call their mother. I can’t imagine being made to feel uncomfortable in my own vehicle….especially by children If it is changing your mood, it must be bad.

Any ideas? Especially from any Southern moms, who can say anything and make it sound like a compliment!

I just don’t get the whole “Let’s be fake and turn the fact that your children are rude into a compliment” thing” Did you ever think that is why her kids are brats?

 

[MushyMushy]

IMO, since you're in a position to have to get them safely to school, you need to nip it in the bud yourself. Since teaching, I've learned how to talk to other people's kids. If someone gets offended, oh well. But I have no problem telling a group of kids to settle down or quiet down. Give them "rotating" assigned seating so that they have the expectation of where they are sitting each day. Monday, this girl gets the window, Tuesday that girl gets the window. Everyone sits in the middle eventually. In my experience, other people's kids will usually respond really well to another adult telling them to settle down. It doesn't have to be in a harsh tone, but it can't be wishy washy either.

So, I would think you should handle the problem in the car, while at the same time mentioning it to the mother that their behavior has changed.

 

[OceanAnnie]

My car, my rules - I've been carpooling for many, many years, many different kids, and I have no problem telling them to stop. What I have found to be very effective is to put music on. I can also ignore sibling bickering - or else I would've lost my mind by now!

I agree. I'd tell that to the kids and not even address it with the mom. I'd discuss w/ your DD (in private) ways to keep the peace and still be happy. Have a united front. Maybe she could give up the window seat 1 or 2 days out of the week? It would be the day(s) of her choosing. If she agreed, I'd make it a rule. She'd feel more control and know you back her up. Bicker time over.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Just make sure you do something about it so your DD knows you care. I can remember going to Sunday School with a bunch of kids who treated me like crap. They would hand out lolly pops to everyone in the car but me (and this was in MY CAR) and then ask me - "Hey - what color is my lolly pop?" My mother would just sit there any say nothing while I was in tears.
So just make sure you take your childs feelings into account before some stupid neighbors.

 

[golfgal]

First, I wouldn't say anything to the mom I would just let the kids know the rules of the car. I don't know why it would be so hard to say "hey Johnny, in our car we take turns sitting by the window. This week it is your turn, next week it is Julie's turn". Or, "kids, enough of the bickering, I need to concentrate on driving safely and I can't do that if you are going at each other all the time. " Also, I never assume my child is innocent in situations like these either.

 

[mjkacmom]

The more I think about it, I think the behavior change is because they're more comfortable with you now. If they started off being polite and well behaved, they're probably good kids. I can defintely see a difference in behavior between a child who's over our home for the first time, than a child who's been here 100+ times. I also feel more comfortable discipling those who I know better.

As for the seating, my kids are always "calling" seats ("I've got shotgun!"). Work out a rotating seating assignment - no bickering.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Put your kid in the front seat next to you, away from the other kids.

 

[JessicaR]

How old are these kids?

I agree that you need to address the kids and lay down the law with them!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Just make sure you do something about it so your DD knows you care. I can remember going to Sunday School with a bunch of kids who treated me like crap. They would hand out lolly pops to everyone in the car but me (and this was in MY CAR) and then ask me - "Hey - what color is my lolly pop?" My mother would just sit there any say nothing while I was in tears.
So just make sure you take your childs feelings into account before some stupid neighbors.

That's bad.

Your DD should feel like her car with her mom is her sanctuary. It shouldn't be stressful. You are doing the neighbor a favor, and I'd keep it in that context. It would be unsaid, but ultimately it's DD's domain. It would be nice and kind for her to share the window seat occasionally, but I wouldn't force it to be an all the time thing. If the boy doesn't like it, he can ride the bus.

 

[MosMom]

You need to give those kids a verbal smackdown. If mom doesn't like it, SHE can drive her heathens to school. You are in charge and you need to remind them of that.

There is nothing more satisfying than putting a butthole kid in their place. I've done it quite a few times and it gives me warm fuzzies to see the look of shock on their little face.

 

[mousetravel]

One positive thing is: it's near the end of the school year. For me, the time me & DD have in the morning & afternoon drive from/to school is "our" time. I don't answer my cell phone, we just talk, plan our day, etc. I have been asked by a neighbor to share carpool duties, but I knew I was not gonna get that started for reasons similar to yours.

Maybe have a talk with the mom & let her know that it's been a hectic school year, and next year you are not doing any carpooling.

 

[TheLittleRoo]

Thanks for the ideas so far. I should've mentioned I already rotate seats between back window and back middle, and I've already told them numerous times "we don't talk like that in this car" or the terse "Knock it off, that's enough guys!" The kids are about 7 and 10.

My DD is not old enough to sit in the front, though I may allow it for the 6 residential blocks to the school driveway. That would put the two siblings together and essentially elevate DD to the top of the pecking order in one fell swoop.

Thing is, it doesn't seem to bother my DD7 as much as it bothers ME. If I were only driving DD, there would be pleasant banter back and forth. I don't like to be nagging, but I do call them out when they cross the line.

For example, today when they rang the doorbell 2 mins early, the younger boy said "I won, she's still eating" to his sister. Apparently, they'd bet on whether my DD would be ready to walk out the door and he won. (mind you, we are NEVER tardy to school and they were early). I reminded DD it was her turn to sit by the window, yet the boy told her to scootch over and she did. I turned around and reminded her it was her turn for the window but she said she didn't care. Then on the drive to school, they teased her about the way she said a certain word. None of these things were egregious or cruel, but over time cumulatively, they are driving me nuts. Maybe it's me now, because I am mentally just waiting for the what they'll say the next morning... My DD doesn't really seem to care - I don't know if it's going over her head or if she just doesn't notice/ care. And they don't really attack her, it's more subtle than that. Like I said, I notice most of all...

I'm thinking of something along the lines of asking my neighbor if her kids are having trouble getting ready for school or dislike school more lately because they seem to be so unhappy during the ride in the morning. Plus, I can tell the kids myself tomorrow to stop the sniping or I'm talking to their mom about it and give them a chance to stop on their own first.

 

[OceanAnnie]

One positive thing is: it's near the end of the school year. For me, the time me & DD have in the morning & afternoon drive from/to school is "our" time. I don't answer my cell phone, we just talk, plan our day, etc. I have been asked by a neighbor to share carpool duties, but I knew I was not gonna get that started for reasons similar to yours.

Maybe have a talk with the mom & let her know that it's been a hectic school year, and next year you are not doing any carpooling.

That's the way it is for us too. I didn't get in on carpooling for the same reasons. Also, we like to do things spontaneously after school. I wouldn't want to hamper that.

Maybe you'll have some extra curricular activities next year.

 

[WL Fan]

I wouldn't say anything to the mom either, but I would (as a pp said) put the smack down on them.

New rules. Everybody takes turns sitting in the middle for a week at a time, this week it's your turn, next week it's B's turn and the next week it's C's turn. Also, you cannot be mean to each other, I will not allow it. If you cannot be nice, then sit there and be quiet. Any questions?

 

[golfgal]

Is your DD an only child-were you an only child? Honestly, most of it sounds like normal sibling stuff.

 

[SC Minnie]

I'm a 'southern mom' and have no problem what so ever with telling the kids to stop it. No need to sugar coat it.

Seems like you are allowing the kids to make the rules in the car. No need to talk to the mother until you have told the kids what is and is not acceptible behavior in your car. If you talk to them and they don't change then you need to speak to the mother. Tell her the kids are not behaving as you would like and give some examples. Tell her you have spoken to them and they have changed and you would like her assistance.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thanks for the ideas so far. I should've mentioned I already rotate seats between back window and back middle, and I've already told them numerous times "we don't talk like that in this car" or the terse "Knock it off, that's enough guys!" The kids are about 7 and 10.

My DD is not old enough to sit in the front, though I may allow it for the 6 residential blocks to the school driveway. That would put the two siblings together and essentially elevate DD to the top of the pecking order in one fell swoop.

Thing is, it doesn't seem to bother my DD7 as much as it bothers ME. If I were only driving DD, there would be pleasant banter back and forth. I don't like to be nagging, but I do call them out when they cross the line.

For example, today when they rang the doorbell 2 mins early, the younger boy said "I won, she's still eating" to his sister. Apparently, they'd bet on whether my DD would be ready to walk out the door and he won. (mind you, we are NEVER tardy to school and they were early). I reminded DD it was her turn to sit by the window, yet the boy told her to scootch over and she did. I turned around and reminded her it was her turn for the window but she said she didn't care. Then on the drive to school, they teased her about the way she said a certain word. None of these things were egregious or cruel, but over time cumulatively, they are driving me nuts. Maybe it's me now, because I am mentally just waiting for the what they'll say the next morning... My DD doesn't really seem to care - I don't know if it's going over her head or if she just doesn't notice/ care. And they don't really attack her, it's more subtle than that. Like I said, I notice most of all...

I'm thinking of something along the lines of asking my neighbor if her kids are having trouble getting ready for school or dislike school more lately because they seem to be so unhappy during the ride in the morning. Plus, I can tell the kids myself tomorrow to stop the sniping or I'm talking to their mom about it and give them a chance to stop on their own first.

What you described is harassment. Even though she isn't outwardly reacting, it does put a dent in her armor so to speak. I'd call them out on all of it. Tell them it has to stop today. They aren't treating your DD well, and if they want to ride with her, things have to change.

The breakfast interrupting thing, I would've jumped all over that. Tell them if they think that is funny, maybe riding the bus would be best. Because all of that combined is too much. They should respect her!

 

[TheLittleRoo]

Is your DD an only child-were you an only child? Honestly, most of it sounds like normal sibling stuff.

Nope, I was one of three and DD is one of three. My kids don't do this in the car - they're more vicious! It's that they are both united against my DD. Like a PP said, I know the school year is almost over but I would like peace for the last month and the mom won't be clueless next year when I don't offer to carpool again.