What she needs does not equal what we owe

[kristen821]

I didn't read all the replies so this may have been suggested. If I was your dh I would pay whatever the agreement is when the kids turn 18 so child support would probably be lowered. Then whatever amount it was lowered I would take the kids out and buy them thier necessities. (ie clothes, shampoo, deodorant, etc.) Maybe even some groceries of his childrens choice, but I don't think his ex should be making a living off his child support. His kids are old enough to be left alone so it isn't like the ex can't work. I would feel a little differently in that case because you want the best for the children.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

I didn't read all the replies so this may have been suggested. If I was your dh I would pay whatever the agreement is when the kids turn 18 so child support would probably be lowered. Then whatever amount it was lowered I would take the kids out and buy them thier necessities. (ie clothes, shampoo, deodorant, etc.) Maybe even some groceries of his childrens choice, but I don't think his ex should be making a living off his child support. His kids are old enough to be left alone so it isn't like the ex can't work. I would feel a little differently in that case because you want the best for the children.

I agree completely. Dad didn't divorce his children.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I don't think anyone pays alimony anymore, do they?.

I think in rare cases, some women are still awarded Alimony. It would be the older generation. For instance, my mom never worked after she married my dad. She stayed home and raised 12 kids. Even when we were teenager's, and she wanted to get out and work, he would not let her. He firmly believed the kids needed her at home 24/7, plus he had that old fashioned pride, where the woman does not work. She passed away 6 months shy of their 40th anniversary. But I am sure, if she lived, and we (my sister's and I) were successful in heloing her move out (we were thinking about it), then I am sure dad would of had to pay her Alimony.

In cases where women have been married 30,40, 50 years, and never worked..yes, I am sure the man would have to continue to support her. In today's day though, where it is more common a woman does work than not, I think a Judge would laugh at an Alimony request from someone that is young and able to get a job.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I am a single mom and the way my divorce agrreement reads is, the ex will pay child support until minor child reaches age 18 or graduates high school.
We have been divorced for 14 years. My oldest DS was 18 at the time and the ex never paid a dime towards helping him. DS lived with me (rent free) and went to college until he was 25. He got a job at the university, in the computer lab, which took care of his personal expenses. To cover his tuition he took out gov. loans and got grants. After graduating he got an excellent job and paid his loans off.
Youngest DS (same dad), is 14. I am hoping he will go to college and I will help him every way I can to achieve that goal! However, I know not to count on his dad past age 19 (DS's bday is in Dec. so he will be 19 upon graduating high school).
If your DH's children are going to college, do whatever you can to encourage that! With oldest DS I told him he could stay at home, rent free, as long as he was enrolled in college. If he decided to drop out and take a job, he had to pay rent!
I don't know what the relationship is like between you and your DH and his ex. If it is at all possible, could you offer to help her as long as the children are in college? If the last one decides he doesn't want to go and he expects to live at home, then he needs to find out real quick the responsibilities of being an adult by paying rent!

TC

 

[PattnFmly]

My question is: why do divorced families feel that the ex has to pay after high school graduation or for college expenses at all? The summer after graduation, my best friend moved to an off-campus apartment, had to get a full time job, and got college loans for the four years she was in college. And her parents weren't divorced. They still aren't. But she (and I, although I went to a different school) were expected to make our own way. This mentality of expecting the divorced half to take care of everything really boggles my mind.

 

[Beth76]

I don't think anyone pays alimony anymore, do they?

But that's essentially what she's asking for isn't it? She's getting divorced so she's losing that "spousal support". She wants more money from your husband to replace that money. It's not for the kids, it's for her.

 

[ducklite]

IMHO: Some ex-wives, who cannot make for themselves the lifestyle they would be comfortable with, are in a frame-of-mind that their ex-hubby will/should "take care of them". This sounds bad, but....here goes.....your DH should suggest to her that she take on a second job if she needs more money. I'll be waiting, with my flame-proof suit on, over in the corner......

Come on out of the corner, I'll give you a cold one. I agree completely.

Anne

 

[Freyja]

What about alimony from her soon-to-be-ex-husband? It seems like if their marriage is breaking up that it should be up to him to provide for her. Her needs for her kids shouldn't be changing.

Coming from a country where alimony is non-existent, I am completely stunned by this comment!
Why should she not provide for herself?

 

[Kay7979]

Update: we went to talk with her today and will voluntarily give up claiming the 16 year old as a dependent for taxes. We will either let her claim the girl, or we will keep the deduction and give her the equivalent of the deduction in extra child support. If she made more, I think I would be less sympathetic, but she makes less than $8.00/hr, so even though I think we are already paying a reasonable amount, especially since we are going halves on three kids in braces, how can we say no?

I think the financial troubles started when her first child, from a different father, stopped paying support when that girl came of age. Now my DH's kids are getting older, and in a few years that support will go away. She has been dependent on the fathers of her children keeping her and her new husband financially afloat. They could barely make it with both of them working plus outside child support, so now that she is divorcing him, she's really in a bind.

I tried to point out that she should look into retraining for a better job, or at least see if there is something that pays better than her current job. After all, once the kids are gone, how will she afford to live? But she won't hear of it. "I have no job skills and can't go anywhere else" she insists. She says retraining will cost money she doesn't have, she disagrees with me that some government agency might give her a grant or financial aide for school, and she insists most other jobs would be "too stressful." Right now she can walk to work and it's fairly easy work, and she doesn't want to deal with any job that requires much thought, or any stress. I can understand that, but I am the kind of person that has busted my butt to get ahead, and wimpy women who don't want to better themselves make me very aggravated! She says in a few years she will be 55 and can live in low income retirement housing, and that's her solution to how she will make ends meet once the kids and the child support are gone. ARGH!!! This woman has zero ambition. I think that's a poor role model for her two girls.

Believe it or not I really like this woman, and I feel badly that she has had an unfulfilling and unhappy life, but I still want to shake her at times and say "get a grip and get some ambition!"

 

[kristen821]

Wow, maybe your dh can insist she goes to school or something if she wants more money from him. I am not sure where she lives, but in Illinois you can basically go to college for free if you are low income and have children. I know people who were actually paid to go to college so they can get daycare for thier kids. To me it sounds like she doesn't want to make her life better, but wants everyone elses help. You sound so nice and it is wonderful that you get along with this lady.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

I'll be waiting, with my flame-proof suit on, over in the corner......

 

[simpilotswife]

NYS requires child support guidelines indicate that child support is paid until the age of 21.

 

[FreshTressa]

I didn't read all the replies so this may have been suggested. If I was your dh I would pay whatever the agreement is when the kids turn 18 so child support would probably be lowered. Then whatever amount it was lowered I would take the kids out and buy them thier necessities. (ie clothes, shampoo, deodorant, etc.) Maybe even some groceries of his childrens choice, but I don't think his ex should be making a living off his child support. His kids are old enough to be left alone so it isn't like the ex can't work. I would feel a little differently in that case because you want the best for the children.

That is what I would do. I would not send her extra cash, but I would make sure the kids had all the necessities...maybe buy more for birthdays/christmas etc.

It is not your fault they got divorced!

 

[dixipixi]

I have dealt with this situation as well. About 2 yrs. after we were married, DH's company laid off a large portion of their workforce (of course, he was one of the lucky ones to get laid off). He was paying child support for his 2 children, plus they were on his insurance (we also had to pay out of pocket medical expenses).

He called his ex to try and work things out where the ins. was concerned because his new job was not going to offer it. We were going to be covered for an additional 18 mos. on the old policy, but after that...no insurance.

Well, she refused to talk to him, served him with papers for an INCREASE in child support and off to court we went.

The child support was lowered and DH was no longer responsible for insurance AT ALL. We also no longer had to pay for out of pocket medical expenses. These were all decisions made by the judge and they were supposed to follow our state guidelines.

She wouldn't let it alone and took us back to court 3 more times in the next 18 mos. We wound up paying less and getting one of the children to claim as our dependent on taxes. We insisted on going through "Support Enforcement" so that we would not have to deal directly with her where money was concerned.

She was all for it until she learned that everything goes by their strict guidelines. She brought our case up for review 2 yrs ago on the grounds that we had taken the kids to Disney World and DH should have to pay for her to take them as well (no joke, she actually sat on the stand and told the judge those words).

Long story short, she was divorcing her 3rd husband at the time, and needed more money. She was told that had nothing to do with what DH was legally bound to pay her. They can't make someone pay more than their income.

Since then, DsS has turned 18 and DsS (17) now lives with us. Since we were already registered with Support Enforcement, they now make her pay DH. What goes around comes around.

 

[barkley]

while child support is and should be used for the child, in my opinion alimony in often used well towards this as well. if a husband/wife mutualy agree that mom will be a sahm and not utilize day-care, in the event of a divorce i think the children go through enough trauma and stress (despite everyone's "best efforts") without having to immediatly "lose mom" to an outside job (and be put in daycare). i feel that some reasonable financial attempt on the absent father's part to provide for the ex-wife such that she can at least initaly maintain their child's semblance of normalicy is in everyone's best interest.

in the case where a divorce has occured near or after the children have reached adulthood, if both husband and wife had mutualy maintained a lifestyle in which the wife stayed at home and did not have an income producing job-it is only reasonable that some financial mechanism be put in place to at least initialy ensure the financial stability of the soon to be ex-wife. i think plans that provide for an opportunity to seek job training or refresh existing skills can be temendously helpful. if the woman is of such an age or health that it is not reasonable to anticipate that she will be able to secure/maintain self sustaining employment, then some consideration must be made in either the financial settlement or with regards to an alimony plan.

it goes both ways-i've know more than a few women who have worked outside the home all their married lives to help support their families, only to find in later years that their husband wished to divorce in order to start a new life with someone else. these women have had to maintain their husbands on their health insurance, keep them onboard for retirement disbursements and in some cases pay alimony in order to help their ex's "maintain their pre divorce lifestyles".