What Reasons Justify Divorce?

[sparklynails23]

Which of these reasons justify divorcing your spouse? I tried to post a poll, but my internet cut out. Feel free to reply.

This is a spinoff from another thread where I said if your spouse becomes extremely obese, it's grounds for divorce. I also think drug or alcohol addiction, spousal or child abuse, spending your family into the poorhouse, sex addiction, refusing sex (ever), other reasons.

Note: I've been married forever and don't take divorce lightly.

 

[sweetdana]

I think if you are not happy, and you have tried to work together, and to be happy together and cannot... You should do what makes you happy. I would have a hard time doing it with young kids, as I think raising kids with 2 parents is hard, I cannot imagine the difficulties with 1 parent. So I would certainly put this into my decision, but if the other party isn't helping there.. That might not be harder.

 

[amg35]

I wouldn't justify my reasons for divorce to anyone, it would be between me and my spouse. Everyone will have their own opinion anyway.

 

[DeaverTex]

The only real reason for divorce is reaching a consensus that you will be happier apart than together.

 

[Heidict]

Which of these reasons justify divorcing your spouse? I tried to post a poll, but my internet cut out. Feel free to reply.

This is a spinoff from another thread where I said if your spouse becomes extremely obese, it's grounds for divorce. I also think drug or alcohol addiction, spousal or child abuse, spending your family into the poorhouse, sex addiction, refusing sex (ever), other reasons.

Note: I've been married forever and don't take divorce lightly.

I take my vows very seriously including the part about "in sickness and in health". So, it would not be right of me to divorce my husband because his appearance changed (becoming extremely obese) or because he had an illness (addictions). Those things can be worked on and overcome. A spouse should have their loved ones backs. Not be judgmental and then abandon them in their time of need.


You say "refusing sex (ever)". Are you saying that if a spouse ever refuses sex to their spouse, that it is grounds for divorce? So, even if it happens once, then bye-bye?

For me the only justifiable reasons are an affair or abuse.

 

[sparklynails23]

I'm saying if a spouse decides they don't want to have sex anymore, and the other one still does, it's grounds for divorce.

I'm also not talking about somebody putting on 10 or 20 lbs after having kids, I'm talking about being obese to the point where you can't go for long walks or bike rides together. Where sitting and watching the other person constantly eat is disturbing.

I guess you can't really quantify every reason that justifies divorce, it's more about feelings, but are there some bottomlines that you wouldn't allow your spouse to cross?

 

[NY Disney fan]

Getting a divorce because you've "grown apart" is so silly and fleeting. Divorce creates so much damage and the damage is far reaching over many years. See this article on one woman's argument http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...suspect-separated-women-regret-divorcing.html

My legitimate reasons for divorce are abuse of any kind, abandonment and in some cases, adultery. Another reason, if your spouse goes to jail for a heinous crime.

 

[MIGrandma]

I wouldn't divorce my husband if he were extremely obese, that is a time he would need me most I think. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer....I vowed to do that in God's house so I don't take it lightly.

And even an affair, once, would not be grounds for divorce for me. Once is forgiveable, but if it happened again then I would probably leave. And physical abuse would be another reason to leave.

 

[brookmey]

I take my vows very seriously including the part about "in sickness and in health". So, it would not be right of me to divorce my husband because his appearance changed (becoming extremely obese) or because he had an illness (addictions). Those things can be worked on and overcome. A spouse should have their loved ones backs. Not be judgmental and then abandon them in their time of need.
QUOTE]

Referring to the bolded part, what if the spouse refuses to seek treatment for the addiction? How is it OK to continue to put yourself and your kids through the abuse of living with an addict? DH's dad is an alcoholic and DH and his sisters have major issues because of it. Forcing your kids to live with an addict is a form of abuse, as we've learned from the extensive counseling DH is currently in and it can cause a lot of emotional/mental damage. I would think that would be a very understandable reason for divorce. DH wishes his mom had divorced his dad because then maybe he wouldn't have had to go through some of the things he did.

 

[Jeafl]

I think everyone has their own threshold of what is, and what isn't acceptable in their particular marriage.

Having said that, I would not divorce my husband because he gained a lot of weight. I am in love with the person he IS, not the person he looks like.

 

[DWGal210]

I wouldn't divorce my husband if he were extremely obese, that is a time he would need me most I think.

I completely agree - talk about abandoning someone in their hour of need.

My answer would be: abuse, multiple (more than 1) affairs, and anything that would put me or my kids lives at risk. I agree that living with a long term addict can be very harmful - but I would try everything I could to help my spouse before deciding divorce was the option.

 

[Heidict]

I'm saying if a spouse decides they don't want to have sex anymore, and the other one still does, it's grounds for divorce.

I'm also not talking about somebody putting on 10 or 20 lbs after having kids, I'm talking about being obese to the point where you can't go for long walks or bike rides together. Where sitting and watching the other person constantly eat is disturbing.

I guess you can't really quantify every reason that justifies divorce, it's more about feelings, but are there some bottomlines that you wouldn't allow your spouse to cross?

Oh, forever. Got it. Thanks for clearing that up because I was thinking you meant once and divorced seemed pretty extreme for that.

I take my vows very seriously including the part about "in sickness and in health". So, it would not be right of me to divorce my husband because his appearance changed (becoming extremely obese) or because he had an illness (addictions). Those things can be worked on and overcome. A spouse should have their loved ones backs. Not be judgmental and then abandon them in their time of need.

Referring to the bolded part, what if the spouse refuses to seek treatment for the addiction? How is it OK to continue to put yourself and your kids through the abuse of living with an addict? DH's dad is an alcoholic and DH and his sisters have major issues because of it. Forcing your kids to live with an addict is a form of abuse, as we've learned from the extensive counseling DH is currently in and it can cause a lot of emotional/mental damage. I would think that would be a very understandable reason for divorce. DH wishes his mom had divorced his dad because then maybe he wouldn't have had to go through some of the things he did.

If the spouse refuses treatment and continues in his self destructive ways, then the other spouse would have to make the decision that they feel is best for themselves and their children. What might be right for one may be wrong for another.

 

[MickeySP]

I would say anything that puts me or my children in harms way - physically or mentally.

If the spouse was willing to work on it - stick. If the deny, deny, deny - gone.

 

[Geoff_M]

Here's an interesting first-person piece that looks at how "The Divorce Generation" (AKA, the real-life "Kramer vs. Kramer" kids) view marriage and divorce now that they're married:

Every generation has its life-defining moments. If you want to find out what it was for a member of the Greatest Generation, you ask: "Where were you on D-Day?" For baby boomers, the questions are: "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" or "What were you doing when Nixon resigned?"

For much of my generation—Generation X, born between 1965 and 1980—there is only one question: "When did your parents get divorced?" Our lives have been framed by the answer. Ask us. We remember everything.

When my dad left in the spring of 1981 and moved five states away with his executive assistant and her four kids, the world as I had known it came to an end. In my 12-year-old eyes, my mother, formerly a regal, erudite figure, was transformed into a phantom in a sweaty nightgown and matted hair, howling on the floor of our gray-carpeted playroom. My brother, a sweet, goofy boy, grew into a sad, glowering giant, barricaded in his room with dark graphic novels and computer games.

...

"Whatever happens, we're never going to get divorced." Over the course of 16 years, I said that often to my husband, especially after our children were born. Apparently, much of my generation feels at least roughly the same way: Divorce rates, which peaked around 1980, are now at their lowest level since 1970. In fact, the often-cited statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce was true only in the 1970s—in other words, our parents' marriages.

...

But marriages do dissolve, even among those determined never to let it happen. After nine years, my husband and I had become wretched, passive-aggressive roommates. I had given up trying to do anything in the kitchen and had not washed a dish in a year. My husband had not been able to "find time" to read the book I had written. We rarely spoke, except about logistics. We hadn't slept in the same room for at least two years, a side effect of the nighttime musical bed routine that parents of so many young children play in semiconsciousness for years on end.

 

[TriMom]

Getting a divorce because you've "grown apart" is so silly and fleeting. Divorce creates so much damage and the damage is far reaching over many years. See this article on one woman's argument http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...suspect-separated-women-regret-divorcing.html

My legitimate reasons for divorce are abuse of any kind, abandonment and in some cases, adultery. Another reason, if your spouse goes to jail for a heinous crime.

Thank you for posting that.

I thought it was a well written, thought-provoking article.

My DH and I had a long talk before we got married. We agreed that divorce was just not an option, ever. Period. Divorce will not be an answer to any problem we have. Which I think was the best life decision I ever made. The commitment that this is really, and truly for life had let to both parties to experience great freedom and great responsibility.

We know that there is no mistake that we could make that could cause the other person to leave. There are no eggshells to walk on. We are both free to be exactly who we are. And then there is great responsibility. All of our actions and decisions will have life long consequences. We will have to live with any mistake for the rest of our lives. It does cause you to slow down and really think about your next move. (As an aside, neither one of us has been anywhere close to almost making a regrettable decision)

I am by no means judging anyone who does get a divorce. And I understand that your (general you) situation is different from mine. But for us, this works and works amazingly well.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

So it's okay to put the addict's needs and wants above and beyond yours and your children? Even if they refuse to see it as a problem? Sorry, until you've lived it you have no idea.

 

[Heidict]

I wouldn't divorce my husband if he were extremely obese, that is a time he would need me most I think. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer....I vowed to do that in God's house so I don't take it lightly.

And even an affair, once, would not be grounds for divorce for me. Once is forgivable, but if it happened again then I would probably leave. And physical abuse would be another reason to leave.

You are right. One affair can be forgivable. The marriage can be worked on, trust can be rebuilt and I have actually seen marriages come out stronger on the other side of an affair.

Multiple affairs is totally different. I don't think a marriage could come back from that.

 

[Heidict]

So it's okay to put the addict's needs and wants above and beyond yours and your children? Even if they refuse to see it as a problem? Sorry, until you've lived it you have no idea.

Don't be so quick to judge other people. You haven't the foggiest idea what I have lived through or where I come. I may just have a bit more experience in that area then even you.

 

[MIGrandma]

You are right. One affair can be forgivable. The marriage can be worked on, trust can be rebuilt and I have actually seen marriages come out stronger on the other side of an affair.

Multiple affairs is totally different. I don't think a marriage could come back from that.

Totally agree with you. I know a couple who the wife had an affair with someone at work in the first year she was married. They went to counseling and got back together and worked things out and celebrated their 11th wedding anniversary a couple of months ago.

I would forgive DH once, but if it happened again I probably would not.

 

[BellvilleDad]

You are right. One affair can be forgivable. The marriage can be worked on, trust can be rebuilt and I have actually seen marriages come out stronger on the other side of an affair.

Multiple affairs is totally different. I don't think a marriage could come back from that.

I think this depends on the person. My first wife had an affair that devastated me. I tried to work it out, but I couldn't live with it (and, frankly, she wasn't willing to work on it).

I could not forgive an affair. There is no excuse. You were never so drunk that you didn't know what you were doing. And the emotional slap in the face...that your partner could be attracted to someone else so much that they are willing to risk an affair...is enough to make me throw up just thinking about it.