What makes someone a stepmother?

[Minnie_me]

Is it just the simple act of marrying a man with children?

My ex just moved in with his girlfriend, who is young enough to be my daughter, and not old enough to be a biological parent to either of my kids (well, unless she was a very young teen mom!). My older DD is freaking out at the possibility of this *girl* becoming her "stepmother".

While most children of divorce spend every other weekend with their non-custodial parent, mine do not (his choice). Instead, every other weekend he has them spend *one* night. And on the off weekend, he spends about 4-6 hours with them on Saturday or Sunday.

DD feels that this person will not be a big enough part of her life to earn the title of stepmother.

Insight?

 

[luvmy3]

I think the title of stepmother goes to the woman who marries your father. However I think what makes a stepmother goes beyond that, I think there needs to be a relationship where stepmother cares for (physically and emotionally) the husbands kids as if they were her own. Of course, not trying to replace or be mom, but definitely being a mother figure.
Otherwise she is just "dad's wife".

 

[sunshine1178]

Is it just the simple act of marrying a man with children?

My ex just moved in with his girlfriend, who is young enough to be my daughter, and not old enough to be a biological parent to either of my kids (well, unless she was a very young teen mom!). My older DD is freaking out at the possibility of this *girl* becoming her "stepmother".

While most children of divorce spend every other weekend with their non-custodial parent, mine do not (his choice). Instead, every other weekend he has them spend *one* night. And on the off weekend, he spends about 4-6 hours with them on Saturday or Sunday.

DD feels that this person will not be a big enough part of her life to earn the title of stepmother.

Insight?

I think the title of stepmother goes to the woman who marries your father. However I think what makes a stepmother goes beyond that, I think there needs to be a relationship where stepmother cares for (physically and emotionally) the husbands kids as if they were her own. Of course, not trying to replace or be mom, but definitely being a mother figure.
Otherwise she is just "dad's wife".

It's a 2-way street. I spent 12 years trying to be a stepmother to my husband's child, before I finally realized that she did not consider me to be family, and never would. Now she is just someone from his past. I wish that it wasn't that way, but my love and resources can be better used on someone who is able to appreciate them.

 

[Minnie_me]

I think the title of stepmother goes to the woman who marries your father. However I think what makes a stepmother goes beyond that, I think there needs to be a relationship where stepmother cares for (physically and emotionally) the husbands kids as if they were her own. Of course, not trying to replace or be mom, but definitely being a mother figure.
Otherwise she is just "dad's wife".

Absolutely agree. DD is thinking ahead to events where she might have to introduce them to people. I told her just to say, "This is my dad, John Jones, and this is his wife Lola." That helped her a LOT.

We're also a little bit concerned about "Lola" seeing her new title as a way to worm her way into the girls' school careers, etc. While my ex does attend parent conferences and such with me, Lola has no business doing so, in my opinion.

 

[ols386]

Absolutely agree. DD is thinking ahead to events where she might have to introduce them to people. I told her just to say, "This is my dad, John Jones, and this is his wife Lola." That helped her a LOT.

We're also a little bit concerned about "Lola" seeing her new title as a way to worm her way into the girls' school careers, etc. While my ex does attend parent conferences and such with me, Lola has no business doing so, in my opinion.

What reason would she have for wanting to get into the girls' school careers?

Is she the controlling type?

 

[sbell111]

What reason would she have for wanting to get into the girls' school careers?

Is she the controlling type?

Someone in this situation appears to be, but I'm not sure that it's the ex-husband's girlfriend.

 

[Minnie_me]

What reason would she have for wanting to get into the girls' school careers?

Is she the controlling type?

Someone in this situation appears to be, but I'm not sure that it's the ex-husband's girlfriend.

haha, nice.

Anyway, she *is* quite controlling, as a matter of fact. When my husband left us, I asked him to wait a respectable amount of time before introducing our daughters to the girlfriend, because they were so devastated by the separation. But the girl insisted that she meet them, so they had dinner with her. It was very upsetting to my daughters, and when I asked my husband to be more sensitive to their needs, *she* sent me a nasty email telling me that I couldn't keep my children away from her, and that she would contact an attorney if I tried to keep them away from her. LOL! These were MY children, and she was just a trashy bimbo girlfriend --- my husband and I were still married!

So instead, I got *my* attorney involved. And it turned out that I didn't really need to. "Lola" quickly found out that moody tween girls aren't that much fun when they know that you're the reason their daddy left them. And her enthusiasm for them diminished.

And just so everyone knows, I am not the evil one here, either. In front of my children, I've been very neutral regarding Lola. I know that their visits with their dad will be more pleasant if they like her. They've made cookies for dinners at her apartment, they've made birthday cards for her, etc. As far as they know, I'm fine with everything. And they actually do like her now --- just as a "friend", though, not as a parent.

 

[sbell111]

I think that you need to just keep out of the entire issue. If your ex marries her, your daughters will each work out what they want to call her. Those relationships are between her and the kids. You don't have a part of it.

 

[tvguy]

To me a Step mom or Step dad is no different than the man who married my Aunt, or the woman who married my Uncle.......a relative by marriage not blood. It isn't a title that is earned, it is a description of your relationship to that person. Like any other relationship,either by blood or marriage, it can be someone you are very close to, or someone you are not close to.

 

[Jennasis]

Op, in all honesty you sound very bitter about her (and perhaps even rightfully so). HOWEVER, this is your life now. Make the best of it...your kids should too. "Lola"? Really? I hope you don't make such cracks about her in front of your kids...for THEIR sake, not the girlfriend.

What makes a stepmother? Simply marrying the father makes a woman a stepmother. Whether she will be more than "my father's wife" is up to BOTH your kids and the stepmother. I suggest therapy for the girls and that ALL of you make the best of your lives as they are now.

 

[luvmy3]

haha, nice.

Anyway, she *is* quite controlling, as a matter of fact. When my husband left us, I asked him to wait a respectable amount of time before introducing our daughters to the girlfriend, because they were so devastated by the separation. But the girl insisted that she meet them, so they had dinner with her. It was very upsetting to my daughters, and when I asked my husband to be more sensitive to their needs, *she* sent me a nasty email telling me that I couldn't keep my children away from her, and that she would contact an attorney if I tried to keep them away from her. LOL! These were MY children, and she was just a trashy bimbo girlfriend --- my husband and I were still married!

So instead, I got *my* attorney involved. And it turned out that I didn't really need to. "Lola" quickly found out that moody tween girls aren't that much fun when they know that you're the reason their daddy left them. And her enthusiasm for them diminished.

And just so everyone knows, I am not the evil one here, either. In front of my children, I've been very neutral regarding Lola. I know that their visits with their dad will be more pleasant if they like her. They've made cookies for dinners at her apartment, they've made birthday cards for her, etc. As far as they know, I'm fine with everything. And they actually do like her now --- just as a "friend", though, not as a parent.

Okay this changes everything I said because I said assuming this was a woman who your ex met after the divorce and your dd is just getting to know her.
IMO any woman who involves herself with a married man who has kids, isn't capable of being the step mom I described in my first post.
I can see where your dd would be worried about having her as step mom.

 

[dallastxcpa]

I want to start by saying that when I met my Dh he was a year and a half into his divorce with his first wife. Like your situation he had a daughter in college and a son in high school. His divorce took 2and 1/2 years and then we waited another year to get married. We have now been married 9 years tomorrow. My Dh is 19 years older than me and my step kids a mere 10 years younger.

My recommendation is that whatever your daughter decides to call the gf that everyone needs to learn to get along and since they are now living together it must be serious and once they are married she is family.

We have had many wonderful times over the 12 + years because we were all civil. There will be graduations (high school and college) your daughters marriage someday, holidays, birthdays, and someday grandbabies.

I wish you the best. Divorce is never easy. Just be there for your kids and do whatever you can to ensure they have a relationship with there dad.

 

[Minnie_me]

Op, in all honesty you sound very bitter about her (and perhaps even rightfully so). HOWEVER, this is your life now. Make the best of it...your kids should too. "Lola"? Really? I hope you don't make such cracks about her in front of your kids...for THEIR sake, not the girlfriend.

What makes a stepmother? Simply marrying the father makes a woman a stepmother. Whether she will be more than "my father's wife" is up to BOTH your kids and the stepmother. I suggest therapy for the girls and that ALL of you make the best of your lives as they are now.

I *am* bitter! LOL! Who wouldn't be!??! I am 20 years older than this girl, and my husband abandoned us for her.

But as I mentioned above, I say NOTHING of this to my daughters. Of COURSE I don't refer to her as "Lola" to anyone --- I just thought it seemed a propos as a pseudonym on this board.

Thank you for suggesting therapy for us (note sarcasm, please). We've been in therapy since he left. I'm not totally clueless. We all have abandonment issues and lots of anger that we're working through.

 

[smitch425]

Okay this changes everything I said because I said assuming this was a woman who your ex met after the divorce and your dd is just getting to know her.
IMO any woman who involves herself with a married man who has kids, isn't capable of being the step mom I described in my first post.
I can see where your dd would be worried about having her as step mom.

This is not always true. My dad cheated on my mom when I was two-ish. He left my mom for her and they have been happily married for over 30 years. My mom remarried when I was 5, and has been happily married for almost 30 years. Sometimes relationships don't work out. Not saying cheating is right AT ALL, but to say that a cheater cannot be a good parent/step parent is not true. Biological parents can sometimes be worse than step parents. Fortunately, I have 4 awesome parents.

 

[disykat]

How dare OP and her kids not be more accepting of the lovely young woman their husband/father left them for! Seriously? The DIS kills me sometimes.

I agree with the others. Regardless of the title, whether she becomes a stepmother figure in the kids lives is entirely dependent upon whatever relationship develops through the years. No one in their right mind would expect teenagers to immediately embrace some random woman a few years older than them as a new mother, whether cheating was involved or not!

 

[taylor3297]

I *am* bitter! LOL! Who wouldn't be!??! I am 20 years older than this girl, and my husband abandoned us for her.

But as I mentioned above, I say NOTHING of this to my daughters. Of COURSE I don't refer to her as "Lola" to anyone --- I just thought it seemed a propos as a pseudonym on this board.

Thank you for suggesting therapy for us (note sarcasm, please). We've been in therapy since he left. I'm not totally clueless. We all have abandonment issues and lots of anger that we're working through.

So sorry that y'all are having to go through this. My dad married the other woman and she became a big part of our lives and still is.

Were my sisters and I happy that our left us and married this other person? No, but we took the time to get to know her.

I decided I wanted to go to the high school where my dad lived because it was smaller. My stepmother understood and welcomed me into their home. My dad traveled all the time. So who went to my plays, NHS induction, parent conferences? My stepmother did. She never tried to be my parent, but someone that we could rely upon when needed.

Now my mother is still bitter to this day, but like you she never said anything negative about my dad or stepmom in front of us. I think this really helped us get past everything.

I wish y'all the best of luck working this through and if this other person has to be a part of your kids lives I hope in the end something positive comes from it.

 

[Jennasis]

I *am* bitter! LOL! Who wouldn't be!??! I am 20 years older than this girl, and my husband abandoned us for her.

But as I mentioned above, I say NOTHING of this to my daughters. Of COURSE I don't refer to her as "Lola" to anyone --- I just thought it seemed a propos as a pseudonym on this board.

Thank you for suggesting therapy for us (note sarcasm, please). We've been in therapy since he left. I'm not totally clueless. We all have abandonment issues and lots of anger that we're working through.

Clearly my post was not received how I meant it.

OF COURSE you're bitter...but it will eat you (and your kids) alive if you let it. At some point you'll have to make a choice whether to let the anger and bitterness consume you or to rise above it. It's NOT easy. In fact, it's hard and it sucks! Many people are never able to do it.

I only meant that the anger and bitterness will do you no good...I'm watching my sister and her DH go through the same thing as you and the constant cloud of anger is suffocating both parties and the one who is suffering from it is the kid.

Good luck.

 

[disneymom/teacher]

I was married for 20 yrs. As time went by my (now ex husband) changed dramatically towards me, everyone saw it, I just thought that we were living the ups & downs of life, I wished he did thoughtful things for me like my friend;s husbands and my father and brother in law to my sister. I have 2 children that are 8 years apart. Six weeks after our 2oth anniversary I caught him cheating with a married girl from his office. I kicked him out without a second thought! My daughter was 12 and my son was 4. His girlfriend also had a 1 year old. The weekend after we were offically divorced and he had our kids for the weekend, his girlfriend also selt over with her son. Long story short- they got married this summer (almost 3 years later) no kids at the 'wedding' no family at all. My kids asked if Laura is their step mother ~ I said NO, she is your father's new wife, you don't need a step mother, she does not take care of you when you visit your father.
My daughter is 16 and thinks her father is the best thing since sliced bread since he gives no punishments or the day to day parenting downers. She does like Laura. My son is 8 and can't stand her, says all she does is yell at thim. They both consider her son their step brother. My ex will not come to any celebrations for the kids ~ non of his family comes but are ALWAYS invited. Laura never talks to me- she always runs and hides when I am around. In my eyes she is not their step mother- UNLESS I die- that won't change!!!

 

[luvmy3]

This is not always true. My dad cheated on my mom when I was two-ish. He left my mom for her and they have been happily married for over 30 years. My mom remarried when I was 5, and has been happily married for almost 30 years. Sometimes relationships don't work out. Not saying cheating is right AT ALL, but to say that a cheater cannot be a good parent/step parent is not true. Biological parents can sometimes be worse than step parents. Fortunately, I have 4 awesome parents.

In my opinion it is true. Clearly if you are willing to **** around with a married man with children, you really aren't thinking of or caring about the kids invloved. To me that means you are incapable of being a good step parent to them. You are free to feel another way.

And FTR, I never claimed that bio parents couldn't be worse. A dad who cheats and leaves his family for his mistress IS a worse parent.

 

[Pakey]

I've been married to my husband for almost 30 years; he brought two sons with him. He had 50/50 custody so his boys grew up with my son and the boys consider each other brothers.

I am a loved member of their family but I am not their parent; I never tried to be.

Their mom is now a good friend; I sat next to her at both boys' weddings and we have all taken family vacations together.

It was because of her that I have such a great relationship with her sons. Her attitude gave us all a chance and I'm forever grateful that she put her sons first.