What makes some people have a stronger will to overcome adversity?

[imabrat]

Faith, your support (or lack of), and determination.

A lot of my peers (we're teens) don't understand how I could battle cancer and all the other things that come with it (watching friends die, being depressed, etc), and recover like it never happened. Honestly, to me it's strange that it ever happened. You can't dwell on adversity, you need to face it so you can overcome it and become the person you never though you would be. Fighting the adversity was natural to me, it never registered in my mind to not fight. That said, I was never given the opportunity to give up. My family and friends were always behind me, more when I was depressed than ever. I've always been a very strong, independent, "take down the building and do what ever it takes" kind of person, but depression really messed up with that. Lastly, believing in God helped me through. I'd seen the miracles firsthand, and I really believe that praying helped me so much.

People ask me why I'm not angry or how I can be "normal" with so much stuff having happened. Honestly, I don't know how to answer them. I've learned that life sucks, but you need to make the best of it because it's worth living. We only get one chance and we need to make the best of it. Our life changes in ways we didn't think possible, but I believe it happens for a reason. Nothing is going to stop me from living life, even adversity. I've been given the chance to live after all this adversity, and I'm going to take it. Life is worth living, I promise you.


Sorry if that was too long or off-topic. My mind kind of drifted, I think this is a very interesting topic and it's enlightening to see how different people "function".

 

[Disney Doll]

I play the hand I am dealt.
I rely on my faith...God always has a plan, and while I may not understand it or like it, there is a plan.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Faith, your support (or lack of), and determination.

A lot of my peers (we're teens) don't understand how I could battle cancer and all the other things that come with it (watching friends die, being depressed, etc), and recover like it never happened. Honestly, to me it's strange that it ever happened. You can't dwell on adversity, you need to face it so you can overcome it and become the person you never though you would be. Fighting the adversity was natural to me, it never registered in my mind to not fight. That said, I was never given the opportunity to give up. My family and friends were always behind me, more when I was depressed than ever. I've always been a very strong, independent, "take down the building and do what ever it takes" kind of person, but depression really messed up with that. Lastly, believing in God helped me through. I'd seen the miracles firsthand, and I really believe that praying helped me so much.

People ask me why I'm not angry or how I can be "normal" with so much stuff having happened. Honestly, I don't know how to answer them. I've learned that life sucks, but you need to make the best of it because it's worth living. We only get one chance and we need to make the best of it. Our life changes in ways we didn't think possible, but I believe it happens for a reason. Nothing is going to stop me from living life, even adversity. I've been given the chance to live after all this adversity, and I'm going to take it. Life is worth living, I promise you.


Sorry if that was too long or off-topic. My mind kind of drifted, I think this is a very interesting topic and it's enlightening to see how different people "function".

WOW, Well Said! Wanted to wish you the Best of Health in the many years ahead.
Battling cancer and all that goes with it is not an easy task BUT we're BOTH here to say that one CAN survive and even THRIVE.... determination, FAITH (where ever/whomever one chooses) and LOVE of family and friends!

 

[ogreenlee]

my best friend, at age 38, is the sole survivor of her family of seven members. She first lost her father at 12. Her brother, closest to her in age as she was the baby, was murdered by his best friend when we were freshmen in college. Her mother was diagnosed with severe diabetes, and had both legs amputated. She cared for her until she died of a massive heart attack. Then her oldest brother died of a massive heart attack, followed just a few years by the second oldest, and then the last. I've stood beside her at every funeral except her father's. In the middle of her last two brothers dying, she got hit by a minivan while biking near her mountain home. She was hurt pretty badly and had to use a walker for several months during rehabilitation.

How she manages to cope without total mental breakdown is beyond me. She does get tested regularly by a cardiologist, but other than that.. she's rock solid. When I need a good kick in the butt... I call her. When I'm feeling down, I think about her. She is the rock to many of her friends. She's very pragmatic, spiritual yet not religious, and finds comfort in her friendships and being centered.

Me? I am an emotional wreck. I lived with guilt since my father's death of not being around enough even though I was 17, then finally was able to bury that with my mom twenty years later. Left an only child.. I start to feel sorry for myself as if I've been orphaned. Then I think about her.. and she had to go through the pain 6 times before she turned 36. Simply amazing.

 

[4nana]

Good to see so many very inspiring replies here

For me, my faith is my stronghold. Thoughout trials and tribulations in my life I learned to early on for survival I must be strong willed. It has taught me a tremendous amount of faith, strength, courage and hope, believing we shall not be dealt any more than we can handle. Also it's helped me set an example for my family.

With age comes wisdom, so I can only hope and pray I can remain strong during my golden years. If faced with adversity beyond my control, I pray if HE leads me to it, He will lead me through it.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Faith....

 

[Robinrs]

Good to see so many very inspiring replies here

For me, my faith is my stronghold. Thoughout trials and tribulations in my life I learned to early on for survival I must be strong willed. It has taught me a tremendous amount of faith, strength, courage and hope, believing we shall not be dealt any more than we can handle. Also it's helped me set an example for my family.

With age comes wisdom, so I can only hope and pray I can remain strong during my golden years. If faced with adversity beyond my control, I pray if HE leads me to it, He will lead me through it.

Amen!

 

[lovemygoofy]

I can only speak for myself and my experiences.

I guess I would call it a leap of faith but for me it's more than that. It's this pull on me from a time when I was young to get up and keep going. When something looks like a mountain, I'd get my hiking boots on to go over it. If I felt like I was drowning, I'd tread water for a bit and then keep on swimming.

It sounds corny but honestly for me it was just something inside me that said keep going and the pull to do just that. I feel the same way everytime my husband is away. It's this grit your teeth and curl your toes to dig in and make it no matter what. For whatever reason I have this, I'm very greatful for this stubbornness to not ever give up.

 

[oXar]

Strength, faith and a refusal to quit.

For me, personally, I've dealt with a lot in 37 years and people ask how I've managed to stay upright. I usually tell them the short answer, 'work', I'm an architect and love my job, whenever a tragedy strikes, I dive into it full throttle until the pain numbs out a bit. That was as an adult, as a teenager, I hate to admit that my coping mechanism was mostly alcohol and a few other substances. At 16, my best friend died in a car accident, the day after he was buried, my then girlfriend left me for another guy. It was a one-two punch that knocked me out for a long time, but I managed to pick myself back up. Five years later, my fiance decided she wanted to be with someone else, I was back on the floor for a while, but recovered enough to go on with life, a couple of years after that, both my mom and grandmother died of natural causes on the same day, my mom a heart attack in the morning, my grandmother, her mother, of old age at night. That one really messed with me for a very long time. But, eventually, the pain numbed and I was able to keep going. Five years later, now married, our first daughter was diagnosed with hip displasia (hip socket that never formed). She went through two surgeries and spent over a year in different body casts and braces that made caring for her very challenging. Once we'd corrected her problems, my wife's sister, who had been very ill, moved in with us so we could care for her, along with our two young daughters. Well, 6 months after she moved in, her health deteriorated dramatically and we had no choice but to put her on hospice. She died peacefully in our home. Adding insult to injury, one of my two cats had to be put down the very next month. Fast forward 6 months and my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had the surgery, but they still needed chemo, she went to the hospital to have a port put in and during the surgery, her artery was nicked, causing massive blood loss, she's been in a coma for 8 months now. More insult to injury, my other cat needed to be put down after the first two months of her coma.

That's the quick version, there have been other tragedy's sprinkled in between, grandparents passing, plus one close friend who died in a car accident, another during surgery, and a third to suicide.

Personally, I feel that when tragedy strikes, the most important thing to do is to wallow in it for a little while. Let the grief hit you whenever it has to, don't fight the pain, because the pain will fight back, and it always wins. Just go with the flow, do what comes natural and don't worry what other people think. Isolate yourself for a few days if you have to. I always get strange looks when I say this, but, "enjoy the pain". Nobody gets it at first, but when we try to resist, or distract ourselves from the tragedy, we are only prolonging the healing process.

Then there's the simple answer, "What choice do you have?" Just deal with it and move on, life is too short to spend it in the fetal position. And always remember, that as horrible as this particular situation feels, it can, and most likely will happen again, but next time, you'll be better prepared.

 

[claudia]

IMO it is having a victim mentality....if you have that you'll have problems, if not, you're gonna be just fine. It's all about choice.

 

[Christine]

I think you have to somewhat pull sickness (cancer) out of this equation.

There have been some recent studies done (I'll try to find it and post it later) that show that those with a "cheery and positive" outlook actually don't "outperform" other cancer patients who are scared and seem to shut down. The study found that it had no impact on the outcome of the disease so those that were pessimistic and worried about their illness really should, well, stop worrying!!!

I think when it comes to sickness, a positive "survivor" attitude probably helps with your day-to-day coping but I don't think that there is something inside that makes you combat the illness better than another person.

As far as other things that life throws you, yep, I think some handle it better than others and it is just your resiliency to things.

Found the study:

Positive Attitude Doesn't Whip Cancer?
Patients' Positive Thinking Has No Impact on Cancer Survival, Study Shows
By Salynn Boyles
WebMD Health NewsReviewed by Louise Chang, MDOct. 22, 2007 -- Having a positive attitude may help cancer patients deal with their disease, but it doesn't directly affect survival, according to one of the largest and most rigorously designed investigations ever to examine the issue.

The study included more than 1,000 people treated for head and neck cancer; the emotional state of patients was found to have no influence on survival.

The findings add to the growing evidence showing no scientific basis for the popular notion that an upbeat attitude is critical for "beating" cancer, says University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine behavioral scientist James C. Coyne, PhD, who led the study team.

"I wish it were true that cancer survival was influenced by the patient's emotional state," he tells WebMD. "But given that it is not, I think we should stop blaming the patient."

'The Tyranny of Positive Thinking'
Jimmie Holland, MD, agrees. The Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center psychiatrist is a longtime critic of the "mind over cancer" proponents who tell patients they must stay positive to survive their disease.

In her book The Human Side of Cancer, Living with Hope, Coping with Uncertainty, Holland coined the term "the tyranny of positive thinking" to describe the belief.

"The idea that we can control illness and death with our minds appeals to our deepest yearnings, but it just isn't so," she tells WebMD. "It is so sad that cancer patients are made to believe that if they aren't doing well it is somehow their own fault because they aren't positive enough."

Holland does acknowledge the benefits of staying positive during cancer treatment, and she is an advocate of techniques like relaxation, meditation, support groups, and prayer to help patients cope with their disease.

But she says there is no credible evidence that positive thinking alone directly influences tumor growth.

"People really want to believe this, so even very good studies like this one probably won't change public thinking," she says. "But the scientific community is getting the message."

Attitude and Cancer Survival
The newly published study included 1,093 patients with head and neck cancer who completed quality-of-life questionnaires during their treatment.

Coyne says the study group was limited to patients with a single cancer who had similar treatments to better assess the impact of state of mind on survival.

A total of 646 patients died during the study follow-up. Even after acounting for other variables that could affect survival, a patient's emotional state was found to have no bearing on whether or not he or she lived or died.

The study appears in the Dec. 1 issue of the American Cancer Society (ACS) journal Cancer.

In a separate review of other studies published earlier this year, Coyne, University of Pennsylvania colleague Steven Palmer, PhD, and ACS researcher Michael Stefanek, PhD, found insufficient evidence that participation in psychotherapy or cancer support groups plays a role in survival.

In that report, the researchers concluded that the hope that emotional state is a driving factor in cancer outcomes "appears to have been misplaced."

"If cancer patients want psychotherapy or to be in a support group, they should be given the opportunity to do so," they wrote in the journal Psychological Bulletin. "There can be lots of emotional and social benefits. But [patients] should not seek such experiences solely on the expectation that they are extending their lives."

 

[Keli]

I think some people are born with better coping skills than others but that anyone can develop theirs.
Having suffered the loss to two much wanted pregnancies (years and years of trying, hoping, praying) several years apart I can tell you that I definitely learned coping skills with the first loss and applied them when the second loss occurred.
And I was able to lessen to a great extent the mental suffering I endured the first go around. I still felt the grief but I wasn't almost paralized by it.
I knew I couldn't dwell on each significant moment during the pregnancy, I couldn't let myself dream continously of who the baby looked like, what our family would be like with another child, or of how empty my arms felt. I had to control my thoughts, I couldn't let myself continously dwell on the loss. It was hard, very hard. But from my previous experience I knew the consequences of letting myself go to that place too long and too frequently.
The weirdest thing about it is dreaming of the baby brought me a measure of comfort in the short term, that's why I did it so much the first time. But it inhibited my ability to move on, to get past the loss and on with my life.
I guess this long post which I hope helps someone, is that you can and do learn coping skills if you weren't born with them and that makes you a survivor too.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I think a persons ability to deal with adversity comes from something deep within themselves because they know no other way in which to live their lives. It is a basic survival instinct that a lot of people are born with. Other people get over adversity by sheer practice because life has dealt them more challenges to overcome.

This line says it all to me. "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger." Truer words were never written or spoken.

 

[redrosesix]

This line says it all to me. "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger." Truer words were never written or spoken.

I have said that to myself many, many times. My brother's favourite saying is "What are we? The Kennedy's?" I'm not sure that just surviving tragedy is enough -- many people wallow in it and never enjoy the life that comes after that. But there are many moments worth treasuring, and I have some great memories from even times like those.

I think you do need to feel the pain and grieve what is lost, but be able to realize that life is still happening. Some people seem to be born with this ability, because I know their parents didn't teach it to them (in those cases, their parents were the worst thing that happened to them). Many people seem to acquire it through practice (I think I was one of those) But I also think that if the tragic events happen during childhood, there has to be somebody to inspire the kid to move on and live their lives, to let them know it's ok to be happy again.

 

[Buckalew11]

For me, it is faith. God sees me through good and bad times and is always with me. Period.

I watch my mom who had a tragic type childhood, lost my dad to cancer got breast cancer 1 year later herself and yet, she goes on, at 72 yrs. old---living. She's told me several times that she thought about just giving up but she made the choice to be strong and move forward to live.

So, I think a lot of it is about whether you choose to go on or give up.

And, I do know that she draws the strength to make those positive choices from God and her faith.

While I do not believe a positive attitude can save you in illness (cancer) I do think it makes a world of difference in the quality of live that you or have left.

 

[clutter]

Sometimes I think it's a lack of support system that makes someone strong too. I know I can get through pretty much anything, and have been at the lowest of lows in life. It's because there is nobody else outside of my dh who is going to pick me back up though. My parents are only there "when everything is sunny shine and roses" and I forget my sister. I have friends, but none that are super-super close.

You sound like me, except I don't have the husband even. I agree on one level, when you talk about making it through adversity such as the illness of a loved one, or job issues or things that affect you mentally and physically. OTOH, I had a friend that survived 6 years with ovarian cancer. I know she lasted that long for the opposite reason, she was surrounded with the love of her family and friends. I worry that my lack of a support system would hurt me in an instance like that. I know my love of my dd would make me do my best, but I don't know how with so little help.