what makes parents kick their kids out?

[Bell30012]

A few years ago my brother got married at the Grand Floridian. A couple days before my former stepson and I were walking through the resort and he himself made an observation... he said, "This resort is full of squares. Where are all the cool people?" See, he was really into the skater persona. He didn't cut his hair, wore the loose trashy clothes and overall had a poor appearance.

My daughter, who was only five looked around that resort and said that this is how she wanted to live when she got older. My daughter who is now eight has already determined that she wants to be a veterinarian or maybe a "people doctor". (I know with current health care reform this may not be a great career path.) She's held this same aspiration for a few years now so maybe it will hold. I know that she will do well and be able to afford anything she want on her own AS LONG AS SHE ISN'T MARRIED TO SOME BUM DRAGGING HER DOWN LIKE A BOAT ANCHOR.

My commitment to my child's success is that as long as she is a full-time student she can continue to live under my roof rent free. That deal only extends to her and not any 'friend' moving in. When it comes time to leave, I'll assist her in finding her own place. I'll probably pay some deposits and initial bills. Then I expect her to begin her life on her own. I'm sure that I'll fall victim to the "parental loan" program a few times but that is what Daddy's do.

 

[NHdisneylover]

A few years ago my brother got married at the Grand Floridian. A couple days before my former stepson and I were walking through the resort and he himself made an observation... he said, "This resort is full of squares. Where are all the cool people?" See, he was really into the skater persona. He didn't cut his hair, wore the loose trashy clothes and overall had a poor appearance.

My daughter, who was only five looked around that resort and said that this is how she wanted to live when she got older. My daughter who is now eight has already determined that she wants to be a veterinarian or maybe a "people doctor". (I know with current health care reform this may not be a great career path.) She's held this same aspiration for a few years now so maybe it will hold. I know that she will do well and be able to afford anything she want on her own AS LONG AS SHE ISN'T MARRIED TO SOME BUM DRAGGING HER DOWN LIKE A BOAT ANCHOR.

My commitment to my child's success is that as long as she is a full-time student she can continue to live under my roof rent free. That deal only extends to her and not any 'friend' moving in. When it comes time to leave, I'll assist her in finding her own place. I'll probably pay some deposits and initial bills. Then I expect her to begin her life on her own. I'm sure that I'll fall victim to the "parental loan" program a few times but that is what Daddy's do.

I am pretty sure normal is somewhere in between marrying someone who does not work/contribute to the home in any way and just wants to be supported (hmmm, maybe that is what some of these "kids" can do to get by when mommy and daddy finally kick them ) an marrying someone who can support your expensive tastes.

 

[RitaE]

My oldest son is beginning the process of checking out law schools. He has both a tattoo and ear piercings. He doesn't have a van though - he has a Mazda. I'm not sure where that puts him on the spectrum of suitability but I figure that if he's smart enough to get himself through law school he'll probably be smart enough to figure out how to take the ear piercing out when he goes on a job interview. He really doesn't seem that interested in the big glass tower kind of career though, he's more of a social crusader type.

No worries though because as a Mom I"d prefer he avoid the chick with the expensive tastes in the first place.

 

[NHdisneylover]

No worries though because as a Mom I"d prefer he avoid the chick with the expensive tastes in the first place.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My oldest son is beginning the process of checking out law schools. He has both a tattoo and ear piercings. He doesn't have a van though - he has a Mazda. I'm not sure where that puts him on the spectrum of suitability but I figure that if he's smart enough to get himself through law school he'll probably be smart enough to figure out how to take the ear piercing out when he goes on a job interview. He really doesn't seem that interested in the big glass tower kind of career though, he's more of a social crusader type.

No worries though because as a Mom I"d prefer he avoid the chick with the expensive tastes in the first place.

Or guy.

My dd FINALLY broke off her LD relationship with the guy who could not come see her because he was always broke and yet he still managed to buy himself 500 dollar pants and shirts.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Children (of either gender) raised with expensive tastes (how do they know they are unless these things are offered to them?) should be raised with high ambitions of how they will earn enough to pay for those tastes too (or the ability to clearly differentiate between wants and needs and make good choices in that arena)

 

[Acklander]

I definitely want my daughters to marry men who have good career aspirations. What's the other option? To marry bums who'll need supporting? To marry men who'll be chronically under-employed? Who really wants that for their daughters? Who wants that example for their grandchildren? Yes, a good job and the potential to support his family is ONE OF THE THINGS I looked for in a husband, and I hope my daughters'll do the same thing.

There are plenty of other options between good career aspirations and an under employed bum. What if your daughter decided to stay home after having children? Would that make her the under employed bum dragging down the family finances??? Or would it be a couple making a decision on their family dynamics? How about if the husband wanted to be the stay at home dad?
The poster stated that she wanted her daughter to marry well because the daughter had expensive tastes. All anyone was saying is that the daughter shouldn't rely on others to support her expensive taste she should rely on herself.

 

[disfan07]

"people doctor". (I know with current health care reform this may not be a great career path.)

I'll probably get flamed for this but i'm sick of hearing about doctors and money....

she shouldnt become a doctor. If you really want to become a doctor and are truly in it to HELP people and not for the money than become a doctor but if you make teh decision whethere or not to become a doctor because of the money, than you should not be in that profession.

My doctors have no problem with the health care reform because they have seen first hand what happens when people dont have insurance so they are all for getting these people what they need. The volunteer at city clinics and county hospitals and love doing that.

My dermatologist thinks that her pay is insane. She makes over $250,000/year. Her comment was that she works 8-5 M-F.

My immunologist teaches medical students and residents. She believes that when it comes to something like medicine, if you arent willing to do it regardless of pay, please dont do it

And if your daughter has such expensive taste, she needs to support herself. To expect someone to support her expensive taste is selfish.

And maybe you should tame that expensive taste. It gets worse with age. I have expensive taste but I am realistic about it. I also wasnt indulged by my parents when I was little. Just because I have expensive taste doesnt mean I spend the money. I want to help people (social work or public health advocacy) and I know that it doesnt come with a big paycheck and that is okay with me. As long as I can support myself (and a family when that happens....with help of course...hopefully) that will be perfectly fine with me. I guess that all depends on how you were raised.

 

[disfan07]

How about if the husband wanted to be the stay at home dad?

That is the discussion my brother and his fiance have had. He has a sociology degree. He did not have any luck with finding a job after graduation so he went back fro a second degree. Between what she is majoring in and his degrees, we all know that she will make more money at her career. They already know that when they have kids IF they decide to have one parent stay home, it will be him which he has no problem with. Does that make him and under employed bum?

He is not supporting her so apparently according to some...it does. Depending on what he ends up doing, 99% chance that she will have to work as well and she is perfectly okay with that. She WANTS to support herself. She doesnt want to have to rely on him for any money. That is the attitude that eveyrone should have. If you have certain expectations about how you want to live or a lifestyle you are accustomed to, you should figur eout how to support that lifestyle on your own within anyone else.

 

[AndreaDM]

WELL, I have an answer for this . My DSS21 is a sweet sweet boy however, there was a time the "child" would not get off his butt . Would not go to school, not get a job and wanted to treat our home as a laundry mat and restaurant. No matter what we did nothing convinced him to change, we took the car, stopped giving him money, pleaded, cried, shouted, discussed , hugged etc... anything we could think of to get him moving.

Funny, nothing like Dad telling him it was time for his butt to find another couch to lay around on, for him to find the motivation to get a job, go to school and become a productive member of society .

He bounced back just fine, had to sleep on a few friends couches and even spent a few weeks at his Mom's house , which I am sure was painful, because he detests his stepfather. He is now working full time, has his own place with a cpl of friends and starting back school in January. Its tough and I know lots of peanut butter and jelly and ramen noodles are being eaten , but he is making it just fine.

He wanders over about once a week and asks for a home cooked meal, which I am happy to oblige , and there are always a few goodies waiting for him to take home with him . ; ) Gently kicking his little butt to the curb helped him tremendously . I cried for days when we did it, but in the end it has worked out well and we are all happier because of tough love.

Wow, this sounds so much like my 19 year old daughter. Very disrespectful, not wanting to help around the house, thought we OWED her, etc. She graduated high school at 17, left for college right after her 18th birthday, still very immature and if I had it to do over, I would have started her a year late to school. Anyway fast forward to this past spring, she flunked her 3rd quarter of school - was in a culinary program but also had to take core classes. She decided she'd rather party than go to class. She moves back home and we give her a few simple rules: Get a job, Be respectful and keep your space clean, No drugs or underage drinking. She got a part time job this summer at an ice cream shop so at least she did that. All of a sudden she had a new group of friends and was spending a LOT of time with them. I was really suspicious and checked her room, sure enough, I found pot. I know, pot isn't a big deal to a lot of people, but she KNEW it was one of our non-negotiable rules. We have a 7 year old and this is NOT what we want in our home. I told her if she couldn't follow our rules, she had to leave. She said ok, packed a few bags and had a friend pick her up. She has been living with this friend since then (about 3 months), pays rent AND got a 2nd job. I don't know if she's drinking or smoking pot anymore, but I do know she's not doing it in our home and the stress and drama have dramatically decreased. Did I do this on a whim? NO! And I spent the first few days sobbing and second guessing myself. But, I know I did the right thing as she is learning just how much it costs to support oneself! She plans to go back to school next fall and I sincerely hope she does, but if not, I have no doubt she'll be able to function on her own. I had to laugh a few weeks ago when she was lamenting to me on the phone, "this isn't fair, I work EVERY day, and after I pay my bills I have NO money left!" Really? Go figure! She is welcome to come hang out with us, come over for dinner, etc., but there would have to be some major changes and special circumstances for us to allow her to live with us full time again.

 

[luvsJack]

Just one little note to those of you that assume because someone has tattos they must be a "underemployed bum". Do you have any idea what those things cost?

Its like all the folks that think ds and his friends are bums because they are indy wrestlers--they have $300 boots on their feet and $500 in gear on their body when they step into that ring, they all have very good jobs; if they didn't they couldn't afford to be wrestlers. They just have an expensive hobby.


I have two sons and one daughter and NEVER would I EVER teach my child that they need to find a mate by how much money he or she has or makes. All of my children have been taught to be responsible and to do what they love and it will bring them success.

DD and I talk about this kind of stuff all the time. She wants to be a vet and already knows which of two schools she wants to attend. This is what she is going to strive for and if a man comes along in the meantime and they decide TOGETHER how the finances will be handled and the money will be made, good enough.

My older son has extremely expensive tastes, maybe I should have taught him to "marry a rich girl".

 

[AndreaDM]

I'm just going to add my 2 cents to the the adult vs. child debate. The are biologically and legally adults, but mentally and emotionally still children. I also have a 21 year old who can't seem to grasp that the choices she makes now will impact her in the future. She sees she has a credit card to go make random purchases with, while I see her future credit score. I know, I know, some of you have perfect children, but the majority of us do not. These "adults" want to make adult decisions, but still don't want to accept the adult consequences that go along with them! There have been many studies that show the brain isn't fully developed until at least age 25, and before that they are more likely to make very risky, impulsive decisions.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm just going to add my 2 cents to the the adult vs. child debate. The are biologically and legally adults, but mentally and emotionally still children. I also have a 21 year old who can't seem to grasp that the choices she makes now will impact her in the future. She sees she has a credit card to go make random purchases with, while I see her future credit score. I know, I know, some of you have perfect children, but the majority of us do not. These "adults" want to make adult decisions, but still don't want to accept the adult consequences that go along with them! There have been many studies that show the brain isn't fully developed until at least age 25, and before that they are more likely to make very risky, impulsive decisions.

Amazingly long before these studies, young adults and children got along in life just fine.

 

[MrsPete]

I don't believe you feel that way because your dd's have expensive taste though

Not entirely, but I do want my daughters to have the option of having nice things, and the chances of doing that improve significantly if both spouses are capable of bringing home a good paycheck.

The other poster's comment was taken as an extreme comment, and that's what I was commenting on -- the assumption that it was her only consideration, as if she was trying to push her girls out into the world to become trophy wives. It's a discussion board. The whole story doesn't get told in every single post.

Just one little note to those of you that assume because someone has tattos they must be a "underemployed bum". Do you have any idea what those things cost?

This thread has divided into two different themes: Judging people by their appearance and marrying for money. I don't think anyone else has melded the two ideas together.

I don't know what tattoos cost, but judging from the number of my high school students who can afford multiple tattoos, I figure they can't be all that much.

I had to laugh a few weeks ago when she was lamenting to me on the phone, "this isn't fair, I work EVERY day, and after I pay my bills I have NO money left!" Really? Go figure!

She doesn't grasp that she had the option of pot vs. more free time and extra money in her pocket. Kids so often don't understand those things that're so clear to those of us who are older!

Amazingly long before these studies, young adults and children got along in life just fine.

I remember reading those studies when I was in college in the early 80s, so they're nothing new. And most kids still get along just fine today -- it's just that brain research provides reasoning for what everyone's seen for hundreds and thousands of years: Kids don't always make good decisions.

 

[eliza61]

Amazingly long before these studies, young adults and children got along in life just fine.

that is very true luv and generally I throw that out especially when I people swear to me that they cannot exsits without their cell phone but in young adults defense.

I look at the changes in our world in the 50 years I've been out and about (and in generational terms, 50 years is a very short period of time).

First, long before the studies, young adults could graduate from H.S. and have a 1/2 way decent chance of finding stable employment making livable wages. Now, not so much, the industries that provided that have all but disappeared.

Next, cost of living. I know living in NY was probably never cheap but even young adults starting out in an apartment can be a struggle. I admire all the parents here on the dis who have 20 year olds who can afford an apartment, college tuition, cars, etc but the reality in my neck of hte woods. that's a struggle.

 

[Acklander]

There have been many studies that show the brain isn't fully developed until at least age 25, and before that they are more likely to make very risky, impulsive decisions.

So what? There is nothing wrong with allowing kids and young adults to make mistakes. Sometimes those impulsive risky decisions work out for you, sometimes not. When I was in my early 20's I made plenty of mistakes, and from that I learned and I grew. My DS26 made plenty of mistakes as well - he's supposed to. If you're waiting until your kids are mistake proof or mature or have all the answers before you bump them out of the nest, you're going to be in for a long haul.

 

[eliza61]

So what? There is nothing wrong with allowing kids and young adults to make mistakes. Sometimes those impulsive risky decisions work out for you, sometimes not. When I was in my early 20's I made plenty of mistakes, and from that I learned and I grew. My DS26 made plenty of mistakes as well - he's supposed to. If you're waiting until your kids are mistake proof or mature or have all the answers before you bump them out of the nest, you're going to be in for a long haul.

depends on the mistake. kid goes to a keg party, gets blasted, wakes up with hellacious hangover and pissed parents and still has to be at class or work, your right lesson learned.

kid goes to a keg party gets blasted, has unprotected sex, 2 months later she's pregnant and parents kick her out the house..... whooow, big problem. now we've screwed up royally.

That's why I'm not a fan of these blanket "yeah, kick them out at 21, it will force them to fly" statements. Hell of a lot of kids out on the streets, not flying at all.

 

[Acklander]

depends on the mistake. kid goes to a keg party, gets blasted, wakes up with hellacious hangover and pissed parents and still has to be at class or work, your right lesson learned.

kid goes to a keg party gets blasted, has unprotected sex, 2 months later she's pregnant and parents kick her out the house..... whooow, big problem. now we've screwed up royally.

That's why I'm not a fan of these blanket "yeah, kick them out at 21, it will force them to fly" statements. Hell of a lot of kids out on the streets, not flying at all.

Well, unless you plan on following your kids around 24/7 until they're able to afford kids, there's not much you can do beyond education, education, education.
And you should start allowing your kids to make mistakes and making your kids responsible for their decisions long before they turn 18 to help better prepare them for the real world.

 

[eliza61]

Well, unless you plan on following your kids around 24/7 until they're able to afford kids, there's not much you can do beyond education, education, education.
And you should start allowing your kids to make mistakes and making your kids responsible for their decisions long before they turn 18 to help better prepare them for the real world.

I know contrary to popular belief here on the dis Ack, there are millions of parents who do educate their kids and actually do do all the right things.
You can talk to your blue in the face, morning, noon and night and you have no guarantees that the kid will make the best decisions.

so what your saying is that if that happens, you educate, educate, educate and the kid screws up, you simply wash your hands of the kid, toss them out, say see ya later Jr, hope you make it and what?

Real world is much like childbirth, you can take classes and prepare until the cows come home but until you start having those contractions you have no idea what it feels like

 

[MrsPete]

that is very true luv and generally I throw that out especially when I people swear to me that they cannot exsits without their cell phone but in young adults defense.

I look at the changes in our world in the 50 years I've been out and about (and in generational terms, 50 years is a very short period of time).

First, long before the studies, young adults could graduate from H.S. and have a 1/2 way decent chance of finding stable employment making livable wages. Now, not so much, the industries that provided that have all but disappeared.

Next, cost of living. I know living in NY was probably never cheap but even young adults starting out in an apartment can be a struggle. I admire all the parents here on the dis who have 20 year olds who can afford an apartment, college tuition, cars, etc but the reality in my neck of hte woods. that's a struggle.

Yeah, but you're talking about differences in availability of jobs and the economy. The studies in question concern the way the brain matures /age at which the brain is fully mature. It's really not the same topic.

So what? There is nothing wrong with allowing kids and young adults to make mistakes. Sometimes those impulsive risky decisions work out for you, sometimes not. When I was in my early 20's I made plenty of mistakes, and from that I learned and I grew. My DS26 made plenty of mistakes as well - he's supposed to. If you're waiting until your kids are mistake proof or mature or have all the answers before you bump them out of the nest, you're going to be in for a long haul.

Absolutely, and we -- we as a society -- are trying to prevent kids from failing these days. Kids need to fail in little things, and they need to learn from those mistakes, so that when they're older and the stakes are higher they'll understand some important lessons: How to lose gracefully, how to accept that none of us are perfect, how to start anew and try again.

depends on the mistake. kid goes to a keg party, gets blasted, wakes up with hellacious hangover and pissed parents and still has to be at class or work, your right lesson learned.

kid goes to a keg party gets blasted, has unprotected sex, 2 months later she's pregnant and parents kick her out the house..... whooow, big problem. now we've screwed up royally.

That's why I'm not a fan of these blanket "yeah, kick them out at 21, it will force them to fly" statements. Hell of a lot of kids out on the streets, not flying at all.

Yeah, the cost of some mistakes is literally death; for example, drinking and driving. The cost of some mistakes is a life that's literally changed forever; for example, unprotected sex.

I do think the best protection against these monumental mistakes is to hold your child responsible for his own actions when he's in elementary school. Teach him at that young age that if he makes foolish choices, he will suffer consequences. If he's average, he will still do some crazy things as a young adult, but hopefully he'll temper it a bit with a little more common sense.