What makes a marriage work?

[SDFgirl]

Okay gang...

I am to be married in 5 months. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the knowledge and advice of people who have already been married...what makes a marriage work? Is there something you wish you had known when you got married? What would you tell someone who is about to "take the plunge?"

People keep telling me, "Don't go to bed angry." That's a good one...anybody else have any nuggets of wisdom they'd like to share?

Thanks!

 

[Serena]

Figure out how to talk, argue and even fight without hurting each other.

Be kind to each other.

And help each other grow and learn. Make sure this is not one sided.

congratulations and best wishes

 

[sue1013]

Laugh and enjoy each other. Try to keep things in perspective meaning don't overreact. Take a step back and look at the whole picture before reacting. I don't know if you are planning on children if you are I feel its very important to remember you and your partner are the backbone of the family. You need to keep your relationship strong to keep the family strong. In other words don't neglect each other once you have children.

 

[HoneyPooh]

Can't say it enough....COMPROMISE! I've been married for 20 years this July 27th and we've been through some very rough times together and come out stronger because we found a middle ground as a couple. It's not all what you want or all what he wants it's what is good as a couple. I also highly recommend having lots to laugh about together. My DH and I laugh a lot and it's what keeps us sane .

 

[kdibattista]

Pick your battles... don't sweat the small stuff!!!!

 

[s&k'smom]

COMPROMISE!!! It has taken some touch and go but I think we have a good balance. I'm to controlling and he let's me be. He's the major breadwinner, I write the checks. I always want to go to WDW he let's me. He has spent to much money on his Z28 I've let him. We survived his parents, he really likes mine. We've weathered some tough times but in the end there is no one I would rather do the laundry for or mutter under my breath about than DH.

 

[WDWLVR]

Mutual respect for each other.

Being willing to compromise.

Knowing when to stand ground on something you believe in and when to give in (guess that goes with compromise).

Have fun together. Don't be afraid to be silly from time to time.

Don't bottle up resentment or anger. Let it out but learn how to do it without hurting the other person.

 

[soccerchick]

I second all the advice given from other posters...here's my two additional cents...

The pastor who married us had two counseling sessions. We talked about our big life goals -- kids, jobs, retirment, expectations, etc. Be clear on what you think you want at this point. Of course people change, but I have seen marriages fail esp. because one person wanted kids and the other adamantly did not.

Another thing the pastor told us that we try to practice is to never say anything mean or hurtful about your spouse to others. Keep your arguments bw the two of you only. Of course we tease and joke about my messiness and his meticulousness, but random people in the lunchroom at work don't need to know I'm mad at him for whatever reason. You do need a good friend to confide in from time to time, but for us, we are lucky that we work hard to keep the little things in check and haven't had to deal with major issues caused my our own making. We celebrated 12 years of marriage this past May and have been together for 17!

Best wishes on your marriage!

 

[powellrj]

we have been married 27 years, and the best advise I can give you is to make sure you are friends. I have seen so many marriages end because the people may have loved each other, but they really didn't like each other.

Treat each other with kindness and respect. You can't expect your SO to treat you with kindness and respect if you don't do the same.

Let things go. The world will not come to an end if someone forgets to put the cap on the toothpaste or you forgot turn off a light.

Laugh at yourself. If you can't laugh at yourself, your SO will spend their time walking on eggshells.

Remember there are 2 sides to everything. Just because someone doesn't react how you think they should, there might be a very good reason why.

Good Luck!!

 

[leighe]

I think sometimes you have to make a concious effort to get along with your DH/DW. There have been times when DH has made me so angry or is just getting on my nerves and I have to step back and say, "Okay - I'm going to get over this now because nothing good will come of making a big scene about it." I'm sure DH would say the same thing about me! We've just been married 3 years next week, so I'm no expert, but I think sometimes the small little irritations day to day can be harder to handle than some of the bigger issues that come up every once in a while.

 

[lisajl]

I will be married for 21 years on Aug 18. Time has really flown!

I agree with other posters...be friends, first. Take time for each other.
That is our biggest problem. We get so caught up in the everyday stuff, kids, work, bills, etc. We forget who we are married to and why we got married to begin with.
Have a date night, have some fun.
don't sweat the small stuff....everything is small stuff.
Lisa

 

[SDFgirl]

This is all so wonderful, exactly what I was looking for. I believe that experience is the best teacher! Thanks to those who have offered their advice so far.

As one poster said, I too know couples who love each other, but don't like each other. To me, that seems sort of lonely. DF is my best friend, first and foremost. We laugh, we hang out, we act pretty darn silly together! He is the first person I want to see at the end of a stressful day, and vice versa.

Letting the small things go, however, is something I need to work on. I moved in with him after we got engaged. I found out that he is the HUGEST packrat! It drives me nuts...I want to purge all of this stuff while he is sleeping, but I hold myself back. I know we are going to have to learn to tolerate each other's foibles. (Yeah, I've got 'em too... )

 

[wdwpluto]

Well we've only been married 2 1/2 years, which is a short time compared to other posters, but here's my 2 cents... make sure you're on the same page about money! Even if one of you does the bill paying, investing, etc. you both should know what's going on and talk about it regularly. Lots of people seem to fight about money instead of communicate about it.

 

[seabright1]

I highly recommend friends who are married to attend a Marriage Encounter Weekend And learn from other people. Best wishes!

 

[DizGeek]

The reponse "Yes, dear" can help on occasion.

 

[Deafmedic]

Date your mate.

 

[Laurajean1014]

Learn to bite your tongue even if you are correct. It only matters for a moment if one was right. In the long run, it's insignificant.

Like and enjoy each other!

 

[SDFgirl]

Learn to bite your tongue even if you are correct. It only matters for a moment if one was right. In the long run, it's insignificant.

Ouch! This is another one I need to work on. I like to be "right." I have a hard time admitting it when I'm not. DF has pointed this out to me, and I've actually gotten better in the last few months...when DF is wrong or incorrect about something, he admits it right away - I can take a lesson from him and try harder.

Thanks!!

 

[poohandwendy]

Start you marriage with honesty, do not set up bad patterns figuring they will eventually get better (they won't). Don't get into the habit of keeping your mouth shut just to appease when the issue is important to you, be honest. But shrug off things that really do not matter. Find the happy medium. If you don't like something, say it with diplomacy instead of in an accusatory tone. Find ways to compromise. Discuss goals often.

Remember you are on the same team, always.

Expect change and be willing to bend with it. You will not be the same people in 5, 10, 20 and 50 years. Grow together and support each other.

Laugh and dance together. Sharing happiness and intimacy is what brought you together...don't allow responsibilities and burdens to allow you to forget it or to make that aspect secondary.

Know that you will have bad times and that they are not the end of the world. They are what you promised to weather together. When one of you is weak, offer your strength to the other.

Again, you are on the same team (worth repeating), not in a competition against each other.

Good luck to you both, I wish many years of happiness in your marriage.

 

[ktink]

I have to agree w/ everything said so far. DH and I have been married for 10 1/2 years now and were HS sweethearts having been together for 16 1/2 years now. I also like to be right and I've learned it's not worth it. He has always let me "be right" and has far more grace than what I did for "being right". Just be friends and always make up.

And a margarita every once in a while doesn't hurt.