What is your definition of a "single" parent?

[kaytieeldr]

OK, all these response are making me realize that I don't understand the term single parent. To me the word single means one. To say you are a single parent would indicate that you are one parent. One= all by itself. If my Dh and I ever got divorced, and he was still very much in our kids lives and supported us financially, I don't think I would be a single mother. I would not call myself a single mom. I would just call myself a mom. Why say single if I am not in it alone?

Well, my definition of "single" anything equates to marital status. A single parent was never married, or at least never married to the child's other parent. Therefore, your coworker - and most other responders in this thread - would be a divorced parent.

 

[tasha99]

Well, my definition of "single" anything equates to marital status. A single parent was never married, or at least never married to the child's other parent. Therefore, your coworker - and most other responders in this thread - would be a divorced parent.

I have never heard this. I consider myself a single parent and I was married to my kids' dad for 14 years.

 

[dizluvah]

Single parent means to me that one person has sole physical custody of their children - their ex-spouse has visitation.

 

[bumbershoot]

This thread is really throwing into the light that fact that many people have very different ideas of what single means.

Which then makes bicker's comment about people purposely using the understanding of a word to make others feel sorry them really very correct, it seems, in THIS case of the OPs colleague.

I'm not understanding your definition. What level of struggle has to be involved to meet your definition of single mother because it seems that is what you are basing it on.

See, I didn't think it was necessarily the OP's definition, and I definitely don't think the OP was trying to be hostile about it. She's dealing with someone who is using "single mother" in a way that will get her sympathy, not just stating a fact. And it's confusing the OP.

I would just call myself a mom. Why say single if I am not in it alone?

Well, if you were in the market for dates, you wouldn't get very far with the nicest of guys if you were ONLY saying "mom". At some point in there you'd need/want to indicate that you weren't married or involved with anyone.

Therefore, your coworker - and most other responders in this thread - would be a divorced parent.

Oh I gotta say....ewwwwww. So now you have to throw open that window in casual conversation b/c you can't say that you're single? Not all questionaires on marriage status ask "married, divorced, never married". Most just want "married, single, widowed", that sort of thing.


My mom was a single mom, even though my dad was around sometimes. Sometimes in not so nice ways, sometimes entirely absent. Sometimes there until a kid got sick then he'd send the kid home. My mom actually got more help from my dad's nearby brother and fam in cases of emergency than she did from my dad. She had some support from people...but she was still single. Until she remarried, then she wasn't single anymore.



Anyway, I would probably start using the term "solo parent" for the no support, no contact, etc parents. I have a friend in that situation (though she does get support...but the father has never met the child since he left during the pregnancy and never had interest in meeting). And even though she's a very successful person with drive and energy and she's just amazing...and even though I thought my mom had hard times...my mom did have that dad of mine to take up a small bit of slack sometimes...my friend does NOT. And from what I've found in my own journey of motherhood...if I didn't have that someone coming home every day (or at a prescribed time after business trips), someone SAFE to talk to, etc etc...I might lose my mind.

So now I'm talking too much. OP I think your feelings are best described with "solo" or bicker's "sole".

But again, it's obvious that people have very, and sometimes slightly (which might be more important), different definitions/ideas/thoughts about what a single parent is!


Just ignore her. It'll make your life better.

 

[SnootyBear]

The ones who iritate me.... are the military wives who's husbands are deployed and they have the nerve to say they are in a "single" parent role. I do think as some others have said, it does reflect on marital status, if you are married and your spouse is deployed you are not a single parent.

I am a divorced parent. Ive been married, it didnt work out. Im not "single" as in never married. I am divorced.

 

[FireDancer]

The denotation of single mother is the same as a single father, someone who is both single and a mother/father. The connotation for many people in both situations is someone who is a sole parent. Connotation is less static and depends more on interpretation than denotation which is why I rely on the later instead of the former. I don't think custody has anything to do with either definition.

 

[PatsGirl]

The ones who iritate me.... are the military wives who's husbands are deployed and they have the nerve to say they are in a "single" parent role.

Being 100% responsible for the day to day care of your children is a "single parent role". Those of us who have done it from day one or for a long period of time most likely find it easier than someone who had another parent living in the home and then deploy for 6-12 months only to come home for a few months and leave again. I find your post very disturbing

 

[Rora]

IMO- a single parent is someone who is raising their children by themselves. Those kids have no interaction with their other parent except maybe phone calls, presents, etc.

 

[aprilgail2]

Single mother to me is someone who has NO support- money or physical from the childs father- is raising the child totally on their own. To me divorced moms who get money from the dad and weekend visitations is not a single parent- there is another parent involved in that childs life.

 

[abdmom]

Single parent is simply a marital status definition. It's the words "single" and "parent". It has nothing to do with whether the person is struggling or how much they see their children. Single parents may or may not have tough lives the same as married parents.

 

[cepmom]

I've always considered "single parent" to mean that a parent was single, or not married I never thought it had anything to do with whether the other parent was involved with the kids or not, or paid child support etc. I considered myself a single parent to DD20 when her father and I were no longer together. He was involved in her life but I was not married therefore I was a single parent. When I married DH, then I was no longer a single parent.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I often hear other single parents say that they're annoyed when people refer to themselves as "single parents", when it's like "my husband worked 70 hours last week, I know exactly what you feel like as a single parent". I find this weird too. After all, if I go on a business trip or work at 70 hour week (which I've been known to do) it doesn't make my child an orphan.

I feel like these comments are annoying on 2 levels. One is that they imply that my life and my child's life are bad or unsatisfactory, and that they are trying to justify their own whining by comparing themselves to us. But I don't think our life is bad at all, and like all parents I want to know that I'm doing well at providing a good life for my child.

The other thing that annoys me is that it's inaccurate. Having your husband away on a trip is nothing like single parenting.

What I end up saying in those circumstances is:

"Actually, I don't think there's much comparison. The two things I think I'd appreciate the most about having a spouse are the second income, and the knowledge that when I have big decisions to make or face emergencies I'm not doing it alone. The hardest thing I've ever done was handing off my child for major surgery and then sitting for hours alone in the waiting room -- you'll never have to do that, because Ted would just fly home. On the other hand, you're facing some really tough things right now that don't apply to me. The kids are missing Ted, and they're worried and confused because he isn't gone. My Johnny doesn't feel that way because he never had a father to start with. You're also scrambling to develop new routines for cooking dinner, getting to work in the morning, getting to bed at night, because the ones you're used to incorporate Ted. My routines, on the other hand, were perfected a long time ago to be just me and Johnny. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. What can I do to help?"

 

[cepmom]

The ones who iritate me.... are the military wives who's husbands are deployed and they have the nerve to say they are in a "single" parent role. I do think as some others have said, it does reflect on marital status, if you are married and your spouse is deployed you are not a single parent.

I am a divorced parent. Ive been married, it didnt work out. Im not "single" as in never married. I am divorced.

how are they not in a single parent role? Their husbands are deployed and they have to do all the parenting alone with the added stress of worrying about their husbands safety

Being 100% responsible for the day to day care of your children is a "single parent role". Those of us who have done it from day one or for a long period of time most likely find it easier than someone who had another parent living in the home and then deploy for 6-12 months only to come home for a few months and leave again. I find your post very disturbing

ITA

 

[yaytezIOA]

I agree mostly with everyone. A military wife is a single mother....is she divorced? Is she single? No, but she raises the kids on her own because her husband is doing his job...the job he volunteered to do but his job.
A single parent is by definition a parent not married. But what it is actually is the parent who is the custodial parent. The one who is there when the other isn't. I am technically not a single father because I have a live in girlfriend, but my role as a father is mine and mine alone. She supports me and my decisions, but does not discipline or attempt to raise them. They have a mother, she chooses not to be in the same state, but they have one. They dont need another...they have a friend, who happens to be involved romantically with their father....and who will set them straight when they step out of line (mostly by telling me).
So on one hand, the OP is right...the mother in question is not a "single mother" actually...while by definition she is....dont you just hate word play?

 

[bumbershoot]

Quoting myself, LOL>>>

"This thread is really throwing into the light that fact that many people have very different ideas of what single means."

Single mother to me is someone who has NO support- money or physical from the childs father- is raising the child totally on their own. To me divorced moms who get money from the dad and weekend visitations is not a single parent- there is another parent involved in that childs life.

vs

Single parent is simply a marital status definition. It's the words "single" and "parent". It has nothing to do with whether the person is struggling or how much they see their children. Single parents may or may not have tough lives the same as married parents.

 

[MichelleVW]

The ones who iritate me.... are the military wives who's husbands are deployed and they have the nerve to say they are in a "single" parent role. I do think as some others have said, it does reflect on marital status, if you are married and your spouse is deployed you are not a single parent.

I am a divorced parent. Ive been married, it didnt work out. Im not "single" as in never married. I am divorced.

Ouch....they are "single" parents when their spouse is deployed for months on end. It has nothing to do with being married...just being the only adult living in the house taking care of the children.

 

[DVCJones]

She IS a single parent, period. You don't like her, and probably anything she does grates on your last nerve.

I am a single parent. My ex is involved when it makes him look good, or fits into his schedule, but will also need "prompting" to remind him of what he should be doing. Do I get child support? Yep, and I think anyone who doesn't reside with the child(ren) should pay support. He sees her 2 weekends a month ( most of the time ) and one night during the week. He doesn't take off when school is closed, she's sick,or I'm sick. Even if he did, guess what? Being the person that child resides with is hard work-you do the bulk of the homework and deal with the day to day drama,schedules,the 10pm I need cookies for tomorrow announcements and the like.
If you haven't walked in ANY single parents shoes, you really don't have the right to make judgements on how easy it is for anyone, you don't know what goes on at home.

Hey wait a minute....This sounds like my life, but I am married.

Does that mean That I am also a single mother

 

[sunnyday123]

Hey wait a minute....This sounds like my life, but I am married.

Does that mean That I am also a single mother

Lol!! I was too when I was married !! I found it easier to be a single parent by myself than with the annoying roommate!!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Hey wait a minute....This sounds like my life, but I am married.

Does that mean That I am also a single mother

ITA. There are parents who live in the same house but one does nothing and is never there emotionally, physically, monetarily... Call it what you will.

 

[samshane]

The ones who iritate me.... are the military wives who's husbands are deployed and they have the nerve to say they are in a "single" parent role. I do think as some others have said, it does reflect on marital status, if you are married and your spouse is deployed you are not a single parent.

I am a divorced parent. Ive been married, it didnt work out. Im not "single" as in never married. I am divorced.

I try to stay away from these "debate-like" threads... but I couldn't pass on this one...

Then I am going to be one of those ones that irritates you. For nearly 7 months now I have been the ONLY parent to my children. My DH is in Iraq - and won't be home til next summer (with a 2 week R&R in a couple weeks). So, what is your definition of "single"? As others have said, that is what it boils down to. Who does everything in my children's lives right now? Me. And I do it alone... and I am not complaining about it but if single means ONE, then I am the only ONE. Yes, my husband skypes with them once a week and we still get his paycheck, but when it comes to the day to day duties it is all me.

So sorry if I irritate you if I say I feel like I single parent (and heck, I don't even know you) - cause right now I am. I won't be forever (God willing). And I truly bow down to single moms and dads that do it on their own every day - with or without spousal support (monetary or otherwise). It is not easy.

And I am done with my 2 cents.