What is your definition of a "single" parent?

[Disney1fan2002]

I don't mean to start a debate here, I am just curious what others think.

I work with a woman who has a "poor me" attitude all the time. I shouldn't even call her a woman. she is 33 years old and acts 15. She hangs out with the teenagers that work with us, and they act more mature than she does.

One thing that just bothers me more than anything, is she is constantly referring to herself as a single mother. Yes, she is divorced from her husband, but he is a very BIG part of those kids lives.. He watches them while she is at work, he pays every dime of his child support, PLUS some, he fixes her car when it breaks down, he is actually living with them right now until he can get an apartment. She is not raising those kids on her own. Yes, she is single, because she is no longer married, but she is NOT a single mother, as in raising her kids alone.

I know some people decribe themselves as a single parent, to let others know there is no spouse. She doesn't decribe herself that way. When she says single mother, she wants the world to think she is all alone in raising her kids, and that just irks the hell out of me.

When you hear someone say they are a "single parent" do you assume they are raising the kids without support?

 

[bicker]

Yes, she is single, because she is no longer married, but she is NOT a single mother, as in raising her kids alone.

Technically, she is a "single mother". What she is not is a "sole parent". Her children do not have an "absentee father".

When she says single mother, she wants the world to think she is all alone in raising her kids, and that just irks the hell out of me.

And that's a very common thing we see in our society (and dare I say it, very common in online forums ) -- people abusing the lazy way many of us choose to understand words to effectively deceive us into thinking something other than the reality. It is maddening how often people engage in this kind of rhetorical tactic.

 

[NC State]

When you hear someone say they are a "single parent" do you assume they are raising the kids without support?

I agree, it sounds like she got married too soon and now she wants "girls just want to have fun" time. She should be thankful she has her exhusband to be there for the kids. Maybe one day she will grow up.

 

[PatsGirl]

When someone calls themselves a "single parent" I assume that the other parent does not live in the house, no more, no less. I've been a single parent my whole life, a "sole parent" for DS all his life, and a "sole parent" for DD for the first few years of her life as her father was "absent" while trying to sort out his issues. I am now back to being a "single parent" with DS in the Air Force and on his own and DD's Dad being a very big part of her life. Confusing enough?

FWIW, I hate when my co-workers blame everything on being a single parent ~ being late, calling out when kids are sick or school is cancelled, not volunteering for their childrens' activities...it's a big pet peeve of mine. Somehow I manage to get to work on time, make sure the kids get to school, find suitable sitters if the kids are sick or stay home if they are really sick, and volunteer lots of time with girl scouts and sunday school, etc...

 

[Allison]

When you hear someone say they are a "single parent" do you assume they are raising the kids without support?

No, I don't. I assume they are not married.

 

[ReneeA]

When you hear someone say they are a "single parent" do you assume they are raising the kids without support?

Nope. Just that they live in a house alone with their kids. Most of the divorced couples with kids I know have a decent relationship and both parents contribute.

 

[NMAmy]

When I hear "single parent," I think that the parents are divorced, not that the other parent is absent. I was a single parent for many years--we had joint custody and her father was very involved. But that doesn't make it any easier. For example, if I was ill and her dad and I had still been married, I could have gone to bed and he'd have stepped up. When I was single, I didn't have that luxury.

I don't think of a single parent as not receiving child support. I think of a single parent as not having that day to day back up that a married couple has.

 

[DVCLiz]

I'm sorry you are bothered by your coworker, but I'm not sure how to answer your question without being rude.

I'm a "single parent" because I am divorced. My ex-husband does none of the things your coworker's ex does - should I not call myself a single parent simply because he sometimes takes them to dinner and he has his wife cover them on her health insurance? That is the financial extent of his participation. He shows up at all functions where it's fun to either participate or take credit for the children's achievements - but rarely is able to do anything the least bit difficult or unpleasant.

So what does that make me? I don't fit your definition of a single parent, but it sure does feel like it since I am responsible for everything for my two children.

 

[Microcell]

I ususally equate single parent as not being married.

I have to say though that OP's coworker may have "poor me" issues, and though it is nice that her ex is very involved, I still think it must be hard not to have the everyday emotional support that a DH provides.

Like today, my Dh has to work (doesn't normally on Sunday), hates his job and generally feels pretty badly. If he didn't have me to vent to, I would think that it would be lonely and even more upsetting, and an emotional drain he would have to shoulder on top of visitation schedules, child support, etc..

I am sure it can't feel good to the coworker to know her marriage failed, and may be using every little issue that comes up as a reason to complain. Sounds like her ex is a good guy and I would feel bad for her that she let him go.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

So what does that make me? I don't fit your definition of a single parent, but it sure does feel like it since I am responsible for everything for my two children.

No, no! You are making my point. It is the single parents in your situation that make me so frustrated when she starts whining how she is a single mom. Her ex husband cannot be anymore involved and supportive of those kids than if he were still married to her. She makes it sound like she is all alone in the world with these kids and she is not. I get angry because of all the moms like you that are out there struggling to get their exes to be a part of the kids lives.

To another pp, her marriage did not fail, as in they were having problems they couldn't work out. She just told him one day she didn't want to be married to him anymore. That's it. So, now it is all about what guy likes her, and who her drinking buddy going to be. (while her ex is home with the kids).

I should point out, that when she calls herself a single mom, it is in reference to her having two kids by herself. I don't understand why she thinks that just because she is divorced, she can put herself in a catagory that is for the women truly struggling to raise their kids with little or no support.

 

[Allison]

She is a single mother. The father being involved doesn't mean she isn't still a single mother.

I'm not understanding your definition. What level of struggle has to be involved to meet your definition of single mother because it seems that is what you are basing it on.

 

[ReneeA]

She is a single mother. The father being involved doesn't mean she isn't still a single mother.

I'm not understanding your definition. What level of struggle has to be involved to meet your definition of single mother because it seems that is what you are basing it on.

I agree. She IS a single mother. I haven't heard anyone else have your definition (that you must struggle and do the parenting thing totally on your own).

My issue with her would not be that she uses the term single mother - more that she's not a responsible parent...and there are plenty of married parents that aren't responsible. That doesn't rest solely on the singles.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

She is a single mother. The father being involved doesn't mean she isn't still a single mother.

I'm not understanding your definition. What level of struggle has to be involved to meet your definition of single mother because it seems that is what you are basing it on.

My problem with it is, she is not raising her kids alone. She has 1000% support from her ex when it comes to spending time with the kids and financially supporting them. She wants everyone to feel bad for her that she is a "single" mom, when we all know she is not. Yes she is single, but she is not alone in raising her kids. There are parents out there that really struggle, because their ex is not in the picture, or the ex is constantly breaking the kids hearts by not showing up for visitation, or not paying the child support. She has none of these struggles, but when she says she is a single mother, that is what she wants people to imagine.

 

[clutter]

"I should point out, that when she calls herself a single mom, it is in reference to her having two kids by herself. I don't understand why she thinks that just because she is divorced, she can put herself in a catagory that is for the women truly struggling to raise their kids with little or no support. "


So if you're a single, or in my case sole parent, who is NOT struggling, can I not call myself a single parent?

In my world (I live in a small area of Stepford, where there are no divorces...) I am one of the only single parents. My dd's father is not a part of our family, nor will he ever be. But, we don't struggle. Generally, I only use the single mom card to get out of social things I don't really want to do (don't care to afford the babysitter ).

 

[Allison]

My problem with it is, she is not raising her kids alone. She has 1000% support from her ex when it comes to spending time with the kids and financially supporting them. She wants everyone to feel bad for her that she is a "single" mom, when we all know she is not. Yes she is single, but she is not alone in raising her kids. There are parents out there that really struggle, because their ex is not in the picture, or the ex is constantly breaking the kids hearts by not showing up for visitation, or not paying the child support. She has none of these struggles, but when she says she is a single mother, that is what she wants people to imagine.

Being a single parent does not necessarily mean she is raising her kids alone. I have friends both men and women who are divorced and both parents are still involved. They are single parents according to my definition.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Technically, she is a "single mother". What she is not is a "sole parent". Her children do not have an "absentee father".

And that's a very common thing we see in our society (and dare I say it, very common in online forums ) -- people abusing the lazy way many of us choose to understand words to effectively deceive us into thinking something other than the reality. It is maddening how often people engage in this kind of rhetorical tactic.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

When you hear someone say they are a "single parent" do you assume they are raising the kids without support?

Yes, that's the impression I get when someone refers to themselves that way. Not being married doesn't necessarily make someone single. My experience has been that when someone refers to themselves as a single parent, it's because they are doing the lion's share of raising the child (if not all of it).

Of course, that's not always the case and every situation is different. But personally, "single parent" has the connotation of "doing it alone".

 

[Disney1fan2002]

OK, all these response are making me realize that I don't understand the term single parent. To me the word single means one. To say you are a single parent would indicate that you are one parent. One= all by itself. If my Dh and I ever got divorced, and he was still very much in our kids lives and supported us financially, I don't think I would be a single mother. I would not call myself a single mom. I would just call myself a mom. Why say single if I am not in it alone?

No, you don't have to be struggling to be a single parent. If you are raising kids without support from the other parent, you are single, doing it alone. If you want to introduce yourself as a single parent to someone you met, that lets them know you are available to date, ect., that is fine. I just have a problem with someone who has full support raising her kids, as in, she's not doing it alone, using the term single mom, for sympathy, or whatever it is she is looking for when she cries about how she is a single mom.

 

[Allison]

It sounds like the real problem is you just don't like this person and let her get under your skin. If that's the case, tune her out the best you can.

 

[Mermaid02]

She's a single parent and her ex husband is also a single parent.......... but their kids have 2 parents.