What is it with these people?

[Living with the Land]

I had decided not to post this on the boards but I can't really discuss it at home so here it goes. A little back ground info first.

My inlaws didn't come to DD birthday because MIL decided to go to NY with some people from work instead. After that I was pretty cool with her because it really hurt my dd6 feelings. This was in October. So anyway, on Thanksgiving my parents didn't have anywhere to go so I decided to have it at my house since this is the first year we are in our new home. MIL also has a big thing at her house for their side of the family. We have ben there for the 3 previous years but never said we would always go there. Before we alternated but then 3 years ago my mom stopped cooking because it was to hard for her without my grandmother who passed away. So MIL has a fit that we are not going to her house but we ignored it and went on with our plans that were fine with DH.

Now the present.

We have spent quite a bit of time with IL's since Thanksgiving because they live pretty close. So Sunday morning I called MIL to have her approve the food that we are having christmas day at our house. She then tells me how hurt she was that we didn't do Thanksgiving with her and that they will not be spending christmas with us. DH is very upset but just wants to ignore them and see if they just show up so they can see their granddaughter. At this point I don't care if we see them at all but it is ruining christmas for their son. What would you do in this situation? And if they weren't coming shouldn't they have said something sooner and not a week before christmas. I guess if I hadn't called we would have just waited on them all day on christmas.

Holly

 

[Dreamer04]

This is going to be difficult, but here goes. Proceed as usual. Let it go. Support your DH.

The kind of behaviour your MIL is exhibiting is exactly the kind of thing that needlessly separates people.

Take a higher ground. It shouldn't be too hard. Sounds like you been there before.

Best wishes for a Merry Christmas,
Ursula

 

[SpecialK]

I think its your DH's call. They're his parents - if he wants to ignore it and see if they come to their senses, then you should respect his wishes. This family stuff is so much more difficult during the holidays. Try not to let it ruin yours.

 

[mt2]

My children have been ignored on holidays and special occasions for years. They have been invited but find other things to do.

The other day DD (10) asked, "Why can nana find time and money to got other places but not come see us?"

DH (her son) has told them that they need to make an effort to see them before its too late (teenage years). She said that it's our fault for not bringing them to her more often. ***!!!

When we lived 1 mile from her she still didn't come over. When my children were born, my IL's told us that they weren't ready to be grandparents. they acted that way too.

We still try to make an effort but if it doesnt' fit into our plans for life then so be it. It still hurts my DH but I try not to say "too many" things about it. It just causes more pain for DH. He sees the problem but can't "fix" his parents.

Your DD is still young. Hopefully, they will see the wrong they are doing and make a positive change. It's Christmas, I'm thinking uplifting thoughts.

 

[lillygator]

sounds like my outlawz....
I would go with what DH wants to do, ignore them and see if they show up, they will be the ones missing out.

 

[diznygirl]

Your response should be indifference: "Oh well, if that's the way you want it."

Just reinforce that it is THEIR decision and not yours. Then sit back and enjoy your Christmas!

 

[SleepyMom]

Wow, I could have written a LOT of your post myself.

My late MIL sounds basically the same as yours, she insisted we have every (not just Thanksgiving and Christmas, I'm talking New Years, Easter, 4th of July, Memorial and Labor Day) holiday at her house. The few times we would break away and spend it with my side of the family she laid huge guilt trips on us and then made sure to remind us over and over again the next year that we HAD to spend that holiday with her because we had "gone to her family" (her quote, evidently I don't have a name ) the year before.

My advice is to rise above it, support your DH and if they choose to miss spending the day with your DD, then it is their loss. My MIL is gone now and I can tell you that because of the way she did things that her kids will never be close to one another.

 

[chrissyk]

I'd just ignore it and enjoy the holiday without them. Your MIL is trying to control the situation and manipulate you. Let her stew on the holiday if that's how she wants it. You can't please people like this, so why upset yourself trying?

 

[ForTheLoveofDisney]

OH MY GOODNESS,
I think you're me in a parallel universe!! Your situation sounds very close to mine, just change the names and there you go.

I love how people like your MIL and my MIL can decide what is important or not important to participate in i.e your daughter's birthday, my husband's birthday (her own son) and everybody is supposed to just be fine with it because, "hey, that's how it is."

But we miss something like Thanksgiving (which I knew I was sealing my fate when I missed it but it sounds like you had a good reason) and now they can't come to Christmas. My MIL didn't say it was because she was hurt she made up some lame brain excuse about because it's Sunday this year??

And?????​

Yes, I realize that FIL is a pastor of a small congregation but we don't eat until later in the afternoon anyway!! I've been at all of her Thanksgiving dinners for 6 years there have been many other things she's blown off but this year I had the opportunity to go to Disney so I chose to blow her Thanksgiving dinner off like she's done to us for other things! Likewise, she's been at my Christmas dinner every year for 6 years but this year she can't make it. ~Sidenote, her Thanksgiving dinners usually have like 20-30 people at them and my Christmas dinners have like 8. Their absence will be noticeable unlike ours.~

Anyway, I've not given you any advice but I want you to know that you're not alone. Hang in there, it's the Holiday Season and just try to focus and try to get your DH to focus on all the wonderful things you have to be thankful for this year.

 

[Stitchfans]

I agree with dreamero4. This sounds exactly like my DHs family. that is why I haven't seen them for Christmas or any other time for many years. Just enjoy yourself and continue on with your plans.

 

[Living with the Land]

Thanks for the advice. I guess i knew that we needed to go on with our plans. I just feel so bad for DH. He was caught off gaurd with this too. They made it clear that they were upset about Thanksgiving, but we put that and christmas in different categories. And also, we don't see my family on christmas day at all we go there christmas eve and are home so DH parents can see DD on christmas. I told her that they may not be here for christmas and she wants to call to find out why. I just said I think they are busy that day. I'm not letting her call to be told who knows what from them.

Holly