What, if anything, do you have trouble saying “no” to with regards to your child?

[#1hoosierfan]

My boys, 14 and 16, get told “ no” a lot when it comes to things they don’t actually “need.”
My ds 16, now that he can drive, asks for money to get fast food…. Nope… I’m cooking dinner… eat that….. or money for the coffee shop… nope drink coffee at home and use our favored creamer. ,

However, I pretty much don’t say no if they ask for books. My youngest ds14 asked for the “Tha Odyssey” to read for pleasure. I bought it right away. Today he asked for the sequel to “Scythe.” He borrowed itfrom the school library and now wants the second. I’m ordering it tonight.

I love to read and am just so happy he enjoys it too.

 

[slo]

My DD20 started working at 15yrs old, so she’s always spent her money on the extras and luckily she’s been good about budgeting her money. Even now, we give her $200 a month and it‘s her responsibility to budget that money and to not ask for more and she’s never asked for more.

This is actually a tough question to answer, because we’ve never bought stuff just for the heck of it. My DD had to wait until her Easter Basket, her birthday (Aug) and Christmas to get things.

To answer the question……
*equipment or lessons for her softball career (currently playing in college)
*good shoes when needed (current ones are Hoka brand)
*certain groceries/snacks that she requests when I go to the store

That‘s all I can think of right now. Since I don’t buy myself stuff for no reason, that’s all she’s seen and knows, so she does the same.

 

[LuvOrlando]

No is such an important word, a kid needs to hear it and a kid needs to be able to say no themselves and be heard.

My kids heard no a lot mostly so they got used to it as just a part of life, both DH and I are first born so we both heard no all the time and we just pivot really quickly, which seems like a useful attribute. They have no problem saying no as a complete sentence.

My niece is an only child raised by two middle children. My SIL and her DH had the "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha syndrome," really bad, so they thought raising their kid to never hear no was the way to right things in the world for all the injustice they suffered. I watched as this word became a punishment to the kid so it was met with hysterics as she grew which made the parents even less capable of handling it. It has not gone well.

 

[brockash]

My DD20 started working at 15yrs old, so she’s always spent her money on the extras and luckily she’s been good about budgeting her money. Even now, we give her $200 a month and it‘s her responsibility to budget that money and to not ask for more and she’s never asked for more.

This is actually a tough question to answer, because we’ve never bought stuff just for the heck of it. My DD had to wait until her Easter Basket, her birthday (Aug) and Christmas to get things.

To answer the question……
*equipment or lessons for her softball career (currently playing in college)
*good shoes when needed (current ones are Hoka brand)
*certain groceries/snacks that she requests when I go to the store

That‘s all I can think of right now. Since I don’t buy myself stuff for no reason, that’s all she’s seen and knows, so she does the same.

Can I high jack for a min. and ask why you give you 20 year old $200/month? No judgement at all, I'm just curious as to the dynamics and reason. My oldest is 21 and away at college and I've gotta say being a parent of an "adult" can be challenging. He's a great kid overall, but seems to insist on learning many things the hard way and is not budgeting well in my opinion, but we also don't give him spending money. My dh was basically out on his own completely the day he graduated HS, so he and I are often on different pages/mindsets with young adults reality etc., so just trying to get an idea on what others may do.

 

[Marrila]

Can I high jack for a min. and ask why you give you 20 year old $200/month? No judgement at all, I'm just curious as to the dynamics and reason. My oldest is 21 and away at college and I've gotta say being a parent of an "adult" can be challenging. He's a great kid overall, but seems to insist on learning many things the hard way and is not budgeting well in my opinion, but we also don't give him spending money. My dh was basically out on his own completely the day he graduated HS, so he and I are often on different pages/mindsets with young adults reality etc., so just trying to get an idea on what others may do.

Does your son have a job in addition to attending school? Is he a full time or part time student? Just wondering how it works with no spending money and being away at college.

 

[slo]

Can I high jack for a min. and ask why you give you 20 year old $200/month? No judgement at all, I'm just curious as to the dynamics and reason. My oldest is 21 and away at college and I've gotta say being a parent of an "adult" can be challenging. He's a great kid overall, but seems to insist on learning many things the hard way and is not budgeting well in my opinion, but we also don't give him spending money. My dh was basically out on his own completely the day he graduated HS, so he and I are often on different pages/mindsets with young adults reality etc., so just trying to get an idea on what others may do.

Sure - I’m happy to answer

With her being a college athlete, she has zero time to work when at school - she does work at her original job when she’s home on break.

Her college is very small and has one place for food and it closes at 7:00pm M-F, 5:00pm Sat and closed all day Sunday. Team practice ends around 7:00pm, so she needs to buy food somewhere and make food in her appt/dorm. When she’s in season, her games are several days a week and she’s never done until after the cafe is closed. Being an athlete, she very conscientious of what she eats, so she buys groceries instead of takeout. With the price of groceries these days, especially things like fruits, vegetables and whole grains and etc the money goes quick. This money is also for toiletries and so she can go with her teammates out to eat, go bowling and have some fun when time allows (which isn’t often). $200 doesn’t go very far today, which is a shame.

 

[kdonnel]

My kids were not very demanding or my wife and I proactively gave them too much. Either way we never really had to say no that often.

That has continued into their young adulthood. They don't ask for anything but we still proactively help.

Christmas was always a challenge as they never asked for anything.

 

[jo-jo]

Sure - I’m happy to answer

With her being a college athlete, she has zero time to work when at school - she does work at her original job when she’s home on break.

Her college is very small and has one place for food and it closes at 7:00pm M-F, 5:00pm Sat and closed all day Sunday. Team practice ends around 7:00pm, so she needs to buy food somewhere and make food in her appt/dorm. When she’s in season, her games are several days a week and she’s never done until after the cafe is closed. Being an athlete, she very conscientious of what she eats, so she buys groceries instead of takeout. With the price of groceries these days, especially things like fruits, vegetables and whole grains and etc the money goes quick. This money is also for toiletries and so she can go with her teammates out to eat, go bowling and have some fun when time allows (which isn’t often). $200 doesn’t go very far today, which is a shame.

Little off topic, so her school has a meal plan/ dining hall but it doesn’t work with her schedule? One would think the school work have at least grab and go stuff until 8. The school knows what schedules these kids have.

I don’t know details, but DGD first year at college, lots of discussion of which meal plan works best.

 

[unrequited23]

I'm a softie when it comes to books, too. My youngest will inevitably get a craving for strawberries (or some other summer fruit) in the middle of the winter and I'll end up paying double or triple the price compared to when they are in season.

 

[brockash]

Does your son have a job in addition to attending school? Is he a full time or part time student? Just wondering how it works with no spending money and being away at college.

He does have a part time job. We are paying for basically all of his bills (phone, insurance, rent, tuition)- other than gas, (including college with a meal plan) while he's at college (he knows that ends after).

I think I just struggle with wanting him to understand sacrifice and value of a dollar/choices and not wanting him to have to struggle to the point that he makes poor decisions etc. Sometimes I feel like he thinks he should have the same quality of life and the same luxuries that his dad and I do, however we didn't start that way by any means. IDK, it's just hard to know how much to help and if he really understands and is willing to budget within his means etc.

 

[tvguy]

I was lucky, my kids really didn't ask for anything really outrageous. As for money, my problem was they often would leave home without any cash and need some money. I always kept cash on hand for them to take was they needed. My only rule was to let me know if they took that last $20 bill.

 

[leebee]

We never bought a lot of stuff, and still don't have any of the "biggest, newest" models of anything, so DD never asked for much. Having said that, she also recognized that we were paying for her dance training. With pointe shoes running about $100 every month or so, cost of classes, summer intensive programs, leotards, tights, costumes, tap shoes, etc., she also understood where the disposable income went. She never asked for much, but when there was something she wanted that was a bigger ticket item, she had to wait until birthdays, Christmas, etc. We never really said no very much, but she never asked for very much, either.

 

[TiggerTrigger]

Can I high jack for a min. and ask why you give you 20 year old $200/month? No judgement at all, I'm just curious as to the dynamics and reason. My oldest is 21 and away at college and I've gotta say being a parent of an "adult" can be challenging. He's a great kid overall, but seems to insist on learning many things the hard way and is not budgeting well in my opinion, but we also don't give him spending money. My dh was basically out on his own completely the day he graduated HS, so he and I are often on different pages/mindsets with young adults reality etc., so just trying to get an idea on what others may do.

Sure - I’m happy to answer

With her being a college athlete, she has zero time to work when at school - she does work at her original job when she’s home on break.

Her college is very small and has one place for food and it closes at 7:00pm M-F, 5:00pm Sat and closed all day Sunday. Team practice ends around 7:00pm, so she needs to buy food somewhere and make food in her appt/dorm. When she’s in season, her games are several days a week and she’s never done until after the cafe is closed. Being an athlete, she very conscientious of what she eats, so she buys groceries instead of takeout. With the price of groceries these days, especially things like fruits, vegetables and whole grains and etc the money goes quick. This money is also for toiletries and so she can go with her teammates out to eat, go bowling and have some fun when time allows (which isn’t often). $200 doesn’t go very far today, which is a shame.

It's really interesting to see these responses. My older one is a senior in high school this year and not the best with budgeting. Most of her spending money comes from babysitting for her choir director, doing some jobs around the house, and helping with transportation of my younger one. She's so overloaded with non-paying activities tied into college prep that she's never been able to find a job that would work with her schedule. I still do tell her "no" when her asks become too frequent or costly OR she hasn't been doing anything to help. Still, I want her to get to have some of the fun experiences that come with being a kid.

She'll be going away to college next year and I've been thinking about a monthly allowance. My parents had one for me back in the day, but I know a lot of people I've met in adulthood (including my husband) were shocked to hear this. Seeing the $200 figure actually brings me some peace. I ran an inflation calculator on what my parents had given me and it was more than I wanted to give. Seeing a current allowance helps. I know mine was for anything from food costs (outside of what my room/board didn't cover) and fun things with friends. While I wasn't a student athlete, I was taking 18-21 credit hours per semester and my parents just didn't want a job for spending money getting in the way of graduating on time.

 

[slo]

Little off topic, so her school has a meal plan/ dining hall but it doesn’t work with her schedule? One would think the school work have at least grab and go stuff until 8. The school knows what schedules these kids have.

I don’t know details, but DGD first year at college, lots of discussion of which meal plan works best.

Unfortunately they do not. She probably could make a sandwich in the afternoon and take it to her dorm for later, but we’d much rather have her make something more healthy than that. She does have the smallest meal plan for breakfast sometimes - many times like today she has weights at 5:30am then classes and then practice so she leaves before the cafe is open and there’s no time to grab anything before class because she needs to take a shower and get ready for the day. The cafe is not close to her dorm, so she just can’t run downstairs or across the way to get something - it’s either a long walk or short drive to get there.

 

[mjkacmom]

Can I high jack for a min. and ask why you give you 20 year old $200/month? No judgement at all, I'm just curious as to the dynamics and reason. My oldest is 21 and away at college and I've gotta say being a parent of an "adult" can be challenging. He's a great kid overall, but seems to insist on learning many things the hard way and is not budgeting well in my opinion, but we also don't give him spending money. My dh was basically out on his own completely the day he graduated HS, so he and I are often on different pages/mindsets with young adults reality etc., so just trying to get an idea on what others may do.

Lol my kids didn’t even get spending money in HS except $20 a week for lunch (which disappeared during Covid). They all worked part time during the school year and full time summers. No spending money in college, right now two are paying their own rent and food. It’s funny, all raised the same but are different with money. Dd20 went away to college with $10,000, ds20 with $10. She works as many hours as possible and is not a spender, he’s the first one to not pick up shifts and spend $ on unnecessary things (we’d be at a family gathering with plenty of food and he’d have DoorDash deliver). Fortunately he’s getting better, he doesn’t like missing out on stuff because he’s broke, and he knows not to ask me.

 

[Dan Murphy]

today she has weights at 5:30am then classes and then practice

Great kid!

 

[mjkacmom]

One thing I’ve never said no to are charity donations, for dance marathons, club track fundraisers, half marathons, go fund me pages for families my kids know (a classmate of dd22 passed away from cancer a couple years back).

 

[anniemae]

My dd has had a job since she was 15 so she has her own spending money for things like Starbucks, McDonalds movies etc. We give her some money for clothes in the fall for school, as well as in the spring so she can get some summer clothes. Any clothes beyond that is her responsibility. She likes expensive sneakers and brand name sweatshirts, so we give her a set amount to spend on clothes as she sees fit and if she wants anything beyond that she can get it herself.

 

[Disneylover99]

My kids both go to school full time and work part time. They don’t ask for much, so I’m happy to offer them money when I can.

I don’t say no when they want to borrow the car. Lol.
And when they have school related fees, I’ll always offer to pay.

 

[kymom99]

I know it’s strange but the only thing I really remember my son asking for was a baseball jersey with Jen Griffey jr on the back. Seriously, he asks for nothing. Doesn’t mean he gets nothing, but he doesn’t ask