What have we gotten ourselves into :(

Gitts2008

Mouseketeer
Joined
Jan 13, 2008
I fear that we are in over our heads with this situation and I want to do what it right. I am looking for some advice or guidance. Last Friday, my daughter’s friend ran away from home/got kicked out/left home. Background information: Friend is 19 years old, lives a few houses away from us, works about 30 hours a week, and wants to join the military. We have known the family for 12 years. She comes from a strict family with a mom who I view to be a bit controlling. I will do my best to make this short and easy to understand. I will use “friend” as the person who ran away to my house.

So last Friday “friend” knocks on our door because “left” her house and needs a place to stay, because her mom found out that she has a twitter account. Friend is not allowed to have social media accounts. Also, mom read the twitter posts and found out that friend is gay. Mom proceeded to yell at friend and said some VERY inappropriate things that I view to be verbal and emotional abuse. Friends’ family is very religious. We are not religious. I reassure friend that she is safe here. I have her try to calm down, so that she can go to work. Friend tells me that she wrote a 2-page letter apologizing to her family for being this way and for being a disappointment and that, she is leaving. Friend states that her father will “put her through a wall” and I ask for clarification. It appears that friend is not using metaphors, that the father will literally physically hurt her. I take friend to her work. She calls me an hour later that her mom and grandma showed up at work and started to cause a scene. Security is called. Grandma tells friend to come home or she will kill friend’s dogs. Customer hears mom say, “I am going to kill friend for being a XXXXXXXXXX.” It is decided that friend will leave work early and go with my daughter to another friend’s home.

My daughter works 2 jobs, is an athlete and does high school. During this past week, I have been the primary care giver of friend. And, I am terrified of what I have come to find out. Friend’s mom handled all of the finances for friend. Friend did not know the amount of her paychecks, (Mom lied and told her that her checks were $100-$200 less), how to use a bank for deposits and withdrawals, use an ATM, use the washer and dryer, prepare more than a simple meal and pay bills…..Please understand that our daughter does her own laundry, will make food if she is hungry, uses a cell phone. I feel that our daughter does age appropriate tasks. Friend has been sheltered/forbidden to mature or learn age appropriate life skills???

On Thanksgiving, friend reached out to her family by text and it turned into a (my opinion here) a manipulative abusive texting rant from her mother. “You betrayed us, lied to us, I thought that you were my friend, you are making a fool of yourself, I gave away ALL of your dresses, you are embarrassing yourself, people die and I do not want you to in the military, if you join the military I will never see you..” Friend’s father said, “Do not contact me without your mother knowing.” From what friend had me read and it was difficult to read such hurtful and hateful statements, I can only wonder what is wrong with this woman that she would not see or hear or know that she is being a 100% wack-a-doodle. Yesterday, friend’s mom writes her a bunch of texts, which contain information that could only have come from friend’s brother’s telling the mom stuff. And, it was like a bad game of telephone…misinformation all around. Friend is going to church on Sunday to do her job of setting up for Mass and she will see her family there. Friend says that she cannot tell the priest that she is gay because it is a sin and she will lose her job at the church.

So, what have we gotten ourselves into!!! We will help friend as best as we can. But, I do not know how to help her. People in my life say that she should go to the police and file an abuse report. Have the police escort her to her house to get her belongings. On Monday, I plan to locate a therapist for friend to talk to about what is happening. Also, friend was not born in the USA. Friend only found out 2 years ago that she is adopted. Friend needs to get her birth certificate, so that she can get her social security card, a replacement passport (or the passport that the family has), so that she can take a test to join the military. Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I have tried to not give my opinion, but WOW this is a hot mess.
 
I fear that we are in over our heads with this situation and I want to do what it right. I am looking for some advice or guidance. Last Friday, my daughter’s friend ran away from home/got kicked out/left home. Background information: Friend is 19 years old, lives a few houses away from us, works about 30 hours a week, and wants to join the military. We have known the family for 12 years. She comes from a strict family with a mom who I view to be a bit controlling. I will do my best to make this short and easy to understand. I will use “friend” as the person who ran away to my house.

So last Friday “friend” knocks on our door because “left” her house and needs a place to stay, because her mom found out that she has a twitter account. Friend is not allowed to have social media accounts. Also, mom read the twitter posts and found out that friend is gay. Mom proceeded to yell at friend and said some VERY inappropriate things that I view to be verbal and emotional abuse. Friends’ family is very religious. We are not religious. I reassure friend that she is safe here. I have her try to calm down, so that she can go to work. Friend tells me that she wrote a 2-page letter apologizing to her family for being this way and for being a disappointment and that, she is leaving. Friend states that her father will “put her through a wall” and I ask for clarification. It appears that friend is not using metaphors, that the father will literally physically hurt her. I take friend to her work. She calls me an hour later that her mom and grandma showed up at work and started to cause a scene. Security is called. Grandma tells friend to come home or she will kill friend’s dogs. Customer hears mom say, “I am going to kill friend for being a XXXXXXXXXX.” It is decided that friend will leave work early and go with my daughter to another friend’s home.

My daughter works 2 jobs, is an athlete and does high school. During this past week, I have been the primary care giver of friend. And, I am terrified of what I have come to find out. Friend’s mom handled all of the finances for friend. Friend did not know the amount of her paychecks, (Mom lied and told her that her checks were $100-$200 less), how to use a bank for deposits and withdrawals, use an ATM, use the washer and dryer, prepare more than a simple meal and pay bills…..Please understand that our daughter does her own laundry, will make food if she is hungry, uses a cell phone. I feel that our daughter does age appropriate tasks. Friend has been sheltered/forbidden to mature or learn age appropriate life skills???

On Thanksgiving, friend reached out to her family by text and it turned into a (my opinion here) a manipulative abusive texting rant from her mother. “You betrayed us, lied to us, I thought that you were my friend, you are making a fool of yourself, I gave away ALL of your dresses, you are embarrassing yourself, people die and I do not want you to in the military, if you join the military I will never see you..” Friend’s father said, “Do not contact me without your mother knowing.” From what friend had me read and it was difficult to read such hurtful and hateful statements, I can only wonder what is wrong with this woman that she would not see or hear or know that she is being a 100% wack-a-doodle. Yesterday, friend’s mom writes her a bunch of texts, which contain information that could only have come from friend’s brother’s telling the mom stuff. And, it was like a bad game of telephone…misinformation all around. Friend is going to church on Sunday to do her job of setting up for Mass and she will see her family there. Friend says that she cannot tell the priest that she is gay because it is a sin and she will lose her job at the church.

So, what have we gotten ourselves into!!! We will help friend as best as we can. But, I do not know how to help her. People in my life say that she should go to the police and file an abuse report. Have the police escort her to her house to get her belongings. On Monday, I plan to locate a therapist for friend to talk to about what is happening. Also, friend was not born in the USA. Friend only found out 2 years ago that she is adopted. Friend needs to get her birth certificate, so that she can get her social security card, a replacement passport (or the passport that the family has), so that she can take a test to join the military. Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I have tried to not give my opinion, but WOW this is a hot mess.

I think she should definitely go to the police, file a report and have the police escort her to her house to get her belongings.

I'm assuming the family didn't/don't realize you've been helping this girl. If they do know, or if they do find out, I'd be worried about your safety and your daughter's safety too based on some of the threats. You might want to consider talking to the police as well.
 
I fear that we are in over our heads with this situation and I want to do what it right. I am looking for some advice or guidance. Last Friday, my daughter’s friend ran away from home/got kicked out/left home. Background information: Friend is 19 years old, lives a few houses away from us, works about 30 hours a week, and wants to join the military. We have known the family for 12 years. She comes from a strict family with a mom who I view to be a bit controlling. I will do my best to make this short and easy to understand. I will use “friend” as the person who ran away to my house.

So last Friday “friend” knocks on our door because “left” her house and needs a place to stay, because her mom found out that she has a twitter account. Friend is not allowed to have social media accounts. Also, mom read the twitter posts and found out that friend is gay. Mom proceeded to yell at friend and said some VERY inappropriate things that I view to be verbal and emotional abuse. Friends’ family is very religious. We are not religious. I reassure friend that she is safe here. I have her try to calm down, so that she can go to work. Friend tells me that she wrote a 2-page letter apologizing to her family for being this way and for being a disappointment and that, she is leaving. Friend states that her father will “put her through a wall” and I ask for clarification. It appears that friend is not using metaphors, that the father will literally physically hurt her. I take friend to her work. She calls me an hour later that her mom and grandma showed up at work and started to cause a scene. Security is called. Grandma tells friend to come home or she will kill friend’s dogs. Customer hears mom say, “I am going to kill friend for being a XXXXXXXXXX.” It is decided that friend will leave work early and go with my daughter to another friend’s home.

My daughter works 2 jobs, is an athlete and does high school. During this past week, I have been the primary care giver of friend. And, I am terrified of what I have come to find out. Friend’s mom handled all of the finances for friend. Friend did not know the amount of her paychecks, (Mom lied and told her that her checks were $100-$200 less), how to use a bank for deposits and withdrawals, use an ATM, use the washer and dryer, prepare more than a simple meal and pay bills…..Please understand that our daughter does her own laundry, will make food if she is hungry, uses a cell phone. I feel that our daughter does age appropriate tasks. Friend has been sheltered/forbidden to mature or learn age appropriate life skills???

On Thanksgiving, friend reached out to her family by text and it turned into a (my opinion here) a manipulative abusive texting rant from her mother. “You betrayed us, lied to us, I thought that you were my friend, you are making a fool of yourself, I gave away ALL of your dresses, you are embarrassing yourself, people die and I do not want you to in the military, if you join the military I will never see you..” Friend’s father said, “Do not contact me without your mother knowing.” From what friend had me read and it was difficult to read such hurtful and hateful statements, I can only wonder what is wrong with this woman that she would not see or hear or know that she is being a 100% wack-a-doodle. Yesterday, friend’s mom writes her a bunch of texts, which contain information that could only have come from friend’s brother’s telling the mom stuff. And, it was like a bad game of telephone…misinformation all around. Friend is going to church on Sunday to do her job of setting up for Mass and she will see her family there. Friend says that she cannot tell the priest that she is gay because it is a sin and she will lose her job at the church.

So, what have we gotten ourselves into!!! We will help friend as best as we can. But, I do not know how to help her. People in my life say that she should go to the police and file an abuse report. Have the police escort her to her house to get her belongings. On Monday, I plan to locate a therapist for friend to talk to about what is happening. Also, friend was not born in the USA. Friend only found out 2 years ago that she is adopted. Friend needs to get her birth certificate, so that she can get her social security card, a replacement passport (or the passport that the family has), so that she can take a test to join the military. Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I have tried to not give my opinion, but WOW this is a hot mess.
The main thing that strikes me here is that you are not dealing with a run-away/thrown-away child who needs a "primary care-giver", you're dealing with a young ADULT. Due to her circumstances it's clearly time for her to move into independence, although this is a rather abrupt introduction to it and from what you say she has been unfortunately ill-equipped. Many, many people have difficult family backgrounds and this "friend" is very lucky to have you and other trusted people in her life. If you are willing to abide with her and mentor her through the roughest early days of this transition I would recommend the following:
  • Move forward with finding her some professional support, but it might not be mental-health care she needs. Maybe something like crisis-counselling would be more appropriate - are there any youth-services in your area? They would perhaps be a good clearing-house for resources.
  • Encourage friend to temporarily suspend all contact with her parents until this situation cools off a little. Emotions are understandably out of control right now and continuing to engage with them will only hurt her more. I would go so far as to suggest she possibly change her cell number. If they continue to disrupt her workplace I would likely encourage her to make a police report.
  • I would not escalate to having a police escort take her back to her house just yet. If there is some way that she could enter the house when the parents aren't home to quickly gather her things, that would be best.
  • Immediately help her take control of her finances - this may include opening new bank accounts and having her pay redirected.
  • Do the leg-work for her (or give her detailed instructions) on getting the birth-certificate/social security issue ironed out asap.
Wherever possible begin teaching her the normal life-skills any of us need to function and reinforce that she is an adult and is entitled and able to make her own choices and move forward with her life, difficult as it is. Continuously reassure her that you are confident in her abilities to rise above this and shine; this is a beginning for her not an ending. :flower3: I wish you all well.
 
I agree with ronandannette, friend is an adult now. All the back and forth nonsense should be finished. Friend can join the military if that she wants and get on with her life without looking back. Plenty of 19 year olds have moved along even from good families at that point. Make sure she can safely get her belongings (and her dog) from the family home and then she can cut ties and move on. If the family tries to confront you at all, I would just shrug and say friend is an adult and drop the topic.
 


I agree with ronandannette, friend is an adult now. All the back and forth nonsense should be finished. Friend can join the military if that she wants and get on with her life without looking back. Plenty of 19 year olds have moved along even from good families at that point. Make sure she can safely get her belongings (and her dog) from the family home and then she can cut ties and move on. If the family tries to confront you at all, I would just shrug and say friend is an adult and drop the topic.
Yes - and I very much think that just getting on with it very matter-of-factly instead of ramping up the drama is the only way to go. ::yes::
 
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Thank you all! I do and did need some reassurance that we are on the right path. I did help her set up a bank account and explained how to utilize the bank. I really do not want the police involved but it may come to that if her family will not leave her alone. DH helped her get a cell phone. I had no idea that I would be essentially teaching a "child" how to be an adult...again. Yes, she is 19 years old. But, she has never been independent in the smallest way possible. I think that we are up for the task...I hope so. We just did not realize the magnitude of the situation. Without us, she is without a positive supportive environment. Unfortunately, she falls in the cracks of crisis assistance. She has a place to stay, she has food, she has money and with the holiday someone will contact me later. That is why I will contact a private therapist or counseling center on Monday. Thank you again! Getting it out has made me feel a bit more hopeful on the situation.
 


Thank you all! I do and did need some reassurance that we are on the right path. I did help her set up a bank account and explained how to utilize the bank. I really do not want the police involved but it may come to that if her family will not leave her alone. DH helped her get a cell phone. I had no idea that I would be essentially teaching a "child" how to be an adult...again. Yes, she is 19 years old. But, she has never been independent in the smallest way possible. I think that we are up for the task...I hope so. We just did not realize the magnitude of the situation. Without us, she is without a positive supportive environment. Unfortunately, she falls in the cracks of crisis assistance. She has a place to stay, she has food, she has money and with the holiday someone will contact me later. That is why I will contact a private therapist or counseling center on Monday. Thank you again! Getting it out has made me feel a bit more hopeful on the situation.
:grouphug: Stay calm and be calm with her; this is a big deal, no doubt but you'll be giving her a gift if you minimize the drama (even if inside you are freaking out!! :laughing: ). @Skywalker gave very succinct and good advice on refusing to engage with her family, if it comes to it.
 
Are there younger children in this home still? I would be concerned for their wellbeing, too.

Her younger brother left the house about 8 months ago. We were told that he ran away but the truth has come out about what had happened. He stopped by the other day to see his sister.

I will look into how or where to get her some proper spiritual counseling.

We can of course assist her and she knows that she MUST obey our rules. But, at this point she WANTS a relationship with her other family members (dad, grandma, 4 brothers) and despite us telling her that she should take time to get her head on straight, catch her breath, process all that has occurred, do NOT call her mother....... she reaches out to her family and therefore does NOT want the police. I think that she is/was so dependent on her mother that she does not know how to function without someone telling her what to do, how to feel, how to behave and who she is. We will be supportive and direct with our advice but if is unable to cut ties, then we are at a disadvantage and no good will come of her leaving her home. I do not want to act like her mom and tell her what she must do to be loved. We love her despite her not taking our advice. I know that this will be a long process. We had no idea that her family was so dysfunctional in an extremely abuse manner. Thank you all. I am beginning to feel more sane about the situation and more empowered.
 
I just want to thank you for your big heart and being a mentor for this young woman. For being that “helper”.

Her steps that you can help her navigate.
Have her open a new checking account at a different bank. Have her change her direct deposit to this bank. She needs a P.O. Box for her mail to go to. Have a feeling her family won’t let her have her birth certificate or her social security card. Birth certificate can be easily ordered through county record of place of birth. Social security card through social security office.

She needs a no contract pay as you go phone and new number or quickly learn how to block numbers and disable voicemail.

Unfortunately she is and will continue to be the scapegoat for her family. There’s only stick to that family’s role of the scapegoat or truly break free and cutoff. If she feels a cutoff is too strong, then it’s an indefinite time out. Unfortunately those people that she wants to continue having a relationship with are enablers if they stood by witnessing the horrid unacceptable behaviors of family towards her. If minors are involve its collateral damage. This includes her church. Many accepting churches & jobs out there.

The best thing for her and I’m sure she’s seen it by being DD’s friend, is for her to have healthy normal models of what relationships should be.

In going forward she needs to not JADE. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Including writing letters of why. It won’t make a difference and will only give fuel to her family to hurt her more.
 
I'm thinking friend needs a team of some kind of legal advocate, physicians, and law enforcement working together on her behalf. Then the best thing is to get out of their way and let them do their jobs. Rather than becoming entangled in this, be the bridge to get her the help she needs. Good luck with this.:)
 
I would maybe see if a domestic abuse shelter/center could help. We're talking about heavy trauma here and the approach is so important. Also, they should have many community resources to pull from and typically all religion and sexuality neutral. I wouldn't rush her into the military just yet. The distance from family would be ideal, but going in without addressing the trauma issues can lead to further problems down the road, especially substance abuse.
 
Thank you all! I realized while I was rushing to make friend breakfast and get everything else done.......that I was enabling her to be dependent. I was so frustrated that friend did not know how to make tea or a sandwich that I forgot that I need to teach her how to NOT be dependent on someone else.

I do believe that joining the military will be the best thing that she ever does in her life. (My family and husbands is full of Army, sister-in-laws is full of Marines, sister's in laws is full of Navy, good friend is Air Force...We have no Coast Guard )
Obtaining her birth certificate will be a BIG pain in the butt! She was born in a Russian orphanage. She needs to go to the Consulate to obtain documents to petition the courts for her birth certificate. I think??? Still learning. Then get her social security card, then get a passport. .

Thank you all again!! I feel empowered to help instead of overwhelmed and frustrated. Thank you!!
 
Her younger brother left the house about 8 months ago. We were told that he ran away but the truth has come out about what had happened. He stopped by the other day to see his sister.

I will look into how or where to get her some proper spiritual counseling.

We can of course assist her and she knows that she MUST obey our rules. But, at this point she WANTS a relationship with her other family members (dad, grandma, 4 brothers) and despite us telling her that she should take time to get her head on straight, catch her breath, process all that has occurred, do NOT call her mother....... she reaches out to her family and therefore does NOT want the police. I think that she is/was so dependent on her mother that she does not know how to function without someone telling her what to do, how to feel, how to behave and who she is. We will be supportive and direct with our advice but if is unable to cut ties, then we are at a disadvantage and no good will come of her leaving her home. I do not want to act like her mom and tell her what she must do to be loved. We love her despite her not taking our advice. I know that this will be a long process. We had no idea that her family was so dysfunctional in an extremely abuse manner. Thank you all. I am beginning to feel more sane about the situation and more empowered.

When people say get the police involved it’s only to the extent that they can escort her to the home and stand by while she collects her belongs. That’s it. She is 19 and until she is physically assaulted there’s nothing for the police to do. She can’t even pursue a restraining order to prevent contact since she is the one texting them.

I think it will help you to keep it in perspective that you are dealing with an adult that comes from a horrible family situation and are not dealing with a child runaway who is at risk for child abuse. Counseling is going to be very beneficial for her as she decides how she wants to live.
 
Ooh, boy… it does sound like you’ve gotten yourself into the middle of a difficult family dynamic. That’s for sure.

I agree with most that, from the details provided, it sounds like the girl has a toxic family and needs to get away as quickly as possible. And that the military might be a great fit to give her the life skills she needs, especially if that's what she want to do.

HOWEVER, I also urge you to look at her story carefully and objectively and make sure it holds water. I definitely don't want to call her a liar (because maybe everything is happening how she says it is). However, I am also a parent of internationally-adopted children (also from Russia). One of whom is now 18. I also belong to a number of parent groups for parents of internationally adopted children. Not all of the kids are transitioning well to adulthood. Some are very immature for their chronological age and will lie, cheat, manipulate and use people (and are very adept at it). There are psychological reasons that it's more common in children who spent time in orphanages/foster care as young children, apparently mainly stemming from lack of attachment to a primary caregiver as an infant. There were a few things about your story that rang some alarm bells (I've heard similar some similar stories from the opposite perspective. "She told her friend's mom that we were horrible and did X, Y, an Z...she even showed them texts that she said were from me," etc.), so just be careful. I suppose as a legal adult, she has the right to choose her own path. I'd just hate to see you "help" her get herself into a worse situation than she's already in.

Also, on the practical side. She may or may not be a citizen. The citizenship rules changed right around the time my son was adopted (2001). Based on her age, and the fact that she didn’t remember her adoption, I’d guess she was adopted around the same time as, or maybe even a little earlier than, than my son. Children adopted after the law change automatically became citizens when they got to the USA (although they didn’t receive any proof of citizenship unless we applied for it.) Children adopted before the law change did not receive automatic citizenship. They could be naturalized, but their parents had to specifically request it prior to the child turning 18. If she's already 18 and it has not been requested, then that avenue to citizenship has closed. If she knows she has a US Passport or a Certificate of Citizenship, then she’s a citizen (and yes, she’ll want that documentation) but her social security card/birth certificate is not proof of citizenship. She’ll definitely want to understand her citizenship status as she starts out on her own.

Edited to add: If she does end up needing to get her original documents, this might be a good way to start. When she was adopted and came to the USA, her parents had to turn over a packet at Immigration when she came into the country. The packet included an original copy of her Russian birth certificate, an original adoption decree, etc. She can petition to get that packet returned to her. Then she'd have copies of everything from the Russian side.: https://www.uscis.gov/g-884?fbclid=IwAR0clq4EuQh_OcQvr5dws7LpzUxTbpl8mHBVMsyfCW9JuX2zK_9iXdBQRn0
 
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