What have we gotten ourselves into :(

I just want to say I feel your pain. I also want to warn you against making the assumption that the girl's view of her family is "skewed and childish" or "that of a rebellious teen." Here's what I'm dealing with as we speak:

I met a man on vacation almost a year ago, and over time we became long-distance friends and then more. Long-distance dating for approximately 8 months when I went to visit him. He's 24, a bit younger than me, but we're extremely compatible, and we gradually fell in love. Anyway, I knew he had been staying with his parents since he discovered his fiancee was cheating almost a year before we met. He also told me that his parents were terrible, toxic people, very similar to how this girl describes her family. He works for his dad and he was saving up to move out again. Over the summer, his dad was arrested on several charges, and my bf ended up spending his savings to bail him out and hire a lawyer. Bunch of other drama happened too.

Anyway, I went to visit him in early September. We rented a hotel room locally, but ended up spending a fair amount of time at his parents' house too. I saw some of the issues, but the family was largely on their best behavior when I was around. I left after a week, knowing that there were problems but wondering if my bf was also a bit overreactive.

A month later, we were closer than ever. Then I got a text from his sister that he was in the hospital and I needed to come up. BF had gone on a drinking binge, and was extremely sick. He developed serious complications, was airlifted to another hospital, and I spent the next 3 weeks with him in a medical coma and therefore not a buffer between me and his family. Words cannot describe how sick and twisted these people actually are. Fistfights in the hospital parking lot. Screaming arguments with nurses. Throwing things at me, across the bed in the ICU where their son/my bf was laying in a coma, because they were fighting with each other and I was in the line of fire. And then they suddenly turned on me without warning and threw me out of the hospital. Sent the older son looking for me. When he finally woke up from the coma, they convinced him that I had lied to him about a bunch of stuff (easy to prove that I didn't lie, it was stuff like my age and job). But for whatever reason, they convinced him that I'm the enemy and he's not currently speaking to me.

Honestly, if you've never been in the middle of it, it's easy to downplay that kind of family situation. Like I said, I downplayed it myself after spending a week with them with my bf as a buffer. But when I was with them for a longer time period, without him running interference, I got to see the full force of the insanity.

I'm not saying the girl is definitely telling the whole truth. Or that she has a full adult understanding of the situation. I'm just saying that I don't necessarily see the red flags in her story that some have mentioned, because I really am dealing with a family that's every bit of what she claims, so I know it's possible that she's telling the whole truth.

Either way, bless you for helping the girl out. She's going to need a lot of love and support, as well as a lot of life lessons. It's not easy, and I'm so happy that she has someone she can trust through this huge change in her life.
 
OP- you are a very good person. May God bless you for the love you and your family are showing to this girl.
 
I just want to say I feel your pain. I also want to warn you against making the assumption that the girl's view of her family is "skewed and childish" or "that of a rebellious teen." Here's what I'm dealing with as we speak:

I met a man on vacation almost a year ago, and over time we became long-distance friends and then more. Long-distance dating for approximately 8 months when I went to visit him. He's 24, a bit younger than me, but we're extremely compatible, and we gradually fell in love. Anyway, I knew he had been staying with his parents since he discovered his fiancee was cheating almost a year before we met. He also told me that his parents were terrible, toxic people, very similar to how this girl describes her family. He works for his dad and he was saving up to move out again. Over the summer, his dad was arrested on several charges, and my bf ended up spending his savings to bail him out and hire a lawyer. Bunch of other drama happened too.

Anyway, I went to visit him in early September. We rented a hotel room locally, but ended up spending a fair amount of time at his parents' house too. I saw some of the issues, but the family was largely on their best behavior when I was around. I left after a week, knowing that there were problems but wondering if my bf was also a bit overreactive.

A month later, we were closer than ever. Then I got a text from his sister that he was in the hospital and I needed to come up. BF had gone on a drinking binge, and was extremely sick. He developed serious complications, was airlifted to another hospital, and I spent the next 3 weeks with him in a medical coma and therefore not a buffer between me and his family. Words cannot describe how sick and twisted these people actually are. Fistfights in the hospital parking lot. Screaming arguments with nurses. Throwing things at me, across the bed in the ICU where their son/my bf was laying in a coma, because they were fighting with each other and I was in the line of fire. And then they suddenly turned on me without warning and threw me out of the hospital. Sent the older son looking for me. When he finally woke up from the coma, they convinced him that I had lied to him about a bunch of stuff (easy to prove that I didn't lie, it was stuff like my age and job). But for whatever reason, they convinced him that I'm the enemy and he's not currently speaking to me.

Honestly, if you've never been in the middle of it, it's easy to downplay that kind of family situation. Like I said, I downplayed it myself after spending a week with them with my bf as a buffer. But when I was with them for a longer time period, without him running interference, I got to see the full force of the insanity.

I'm not saying the girl is definitely telling the whole truth. Or that she has a full adult understanding of the situation. I'm just saying that I don't necessarily see the red flags in her story that some have mentioned, because I really am dealing with a family that's every bit of what she claims, so I know it's possible that she's telling the whole truth.

Either way, bless you for helping the girl out. She's going to need a lot of love and support, as well as a lot of life lessons. It's not easy, and I'm so happy that she has someone she can trust through this huge change in her life.

HOLY MOLY! That is seriously a terrible family. I do understand your point and the meaning of you telling me what happened to you. I am so sorry that you had to deal with such drama and pain.

As time goes by we learn more about her family life and I am continually surprised and horrified.

I just re-read my other post and I think that I was misunderstood. Skewked and childish in the sense that what she has been taught and knows is not correct or proper. We will not punish her if she takes food to eat and does not finish everything that is on her plate. We would NEVER make her sit at the table and eat EVERYTHING on her plate and possibly what is left over on the table to show her that we do not waste food in this house. (SICK PEOPLE THEY ARE) She eats pasta EVERYDAY! To get her to eat a vegetable or fruit is not happening at this time or drink water or eat something with protein. I am having to teach her portion control and nutrition. We are not health freaks but I do try to feed my family relatively healthy meals. I have no doubt that she is telling us the truth. Her actions are of a person who is afraid to do something wrong, but in reality it is not wrong.
 
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She needs to join the military. I have had friends with horrible home lives do the same. She will come out with the ability to take care of herself. I used to live next door to a recruiter, he helped a lot of young people find their way.

I had the complete opposite reaction here having read this whole thread (including the likelihood of her actually being accepted). I would doubt that she even WANTS to join the military beyond seeing it as a "way out" of what she's currently going through. If she is truly sheltered, younger than her age and unaware of how to be independent, this sounds like a rude awakening that could seriously overwhelm her. Though I guess for some, that is what they need? Still, I'd want to be sure that it's actually what she genuinely wants to do and be involved in.

OP, you're doing an amazing thing and likely giving her so much hope and solace. I hope things improve here!
 
I just want to say I feel your pain. I also want to warn you against making the assumption that the girl's view of her family is "skewed and childish" or "that of a rebellious teen." Here's what I'm dealing with as we speak:

I met a man on vacation almost a year ago, and over time we became long-distance friends and then more. Long-distance dating for approximately 8 months when I went to visit him. He's 24, a bit younger than me, but we're extremely compatible, and we gradually fell in love. Anyway, I knew he had been staying with his parents since he discovered his fiancee was cheating almost a year before we met. He also told me that his parents were terrible, toxic people, very similar to how this girl describes her family. He works for his dad and he was saving up to move out again. Over the summer, his dad was arrested on several charges, and my bf ended up spending his savings to bail him out and hire a lawyer. Bunch of other drama happened too.

Anyway, I went to visit him in early September. We rented a hotel room locally, but ended up spending a fair amount of time at his parents' house too. I saw some of the issues, but the family was largely on their best behavior when I was around. I left after a week, knowing that there were problems but wondering if my bf was also a bit overreactive.

A month later, we were closer than ever. Then I got a text from his sister that he was in the hospital and I needed to come up. BF had gone on a drinking binge, and was extremely sick. He developed serious complications, was airlifted to another hospital, and I spent the next 3 weeks with him in a medical coma and therefore not a buffer between me and his family. Words cannot describe how sick and twisted these people actually are. Fistfights in the hospital parking lot. Screaming arguments with nurses. Throwing things at me, across the bed in the ICU where their son/my bf was laying in a coma, because they were fighting with each other and I was in the line of fire. And then they suddenly turned on me without warning and threw me out of the hospital. Sent the older son looking for me. When he finally woke up from the coma, they convinced him that I had lied to him about a bunch of stuff (easy to prove that I didn't lie, it was stuff like my age and job). But for whatever reason, they convinced him that I'm the enemy and he's not currently speaking to me.

Honestly, if you've never been in the middle of it, it's easy to downplay that kind of family situation. Like I said, I downplayed it myself after spending a week with them with my bf as a buffer. But when I was with them for a longer time period, without him running interference, I got to see the full force of the insanity.

I'm not saying the girl is definitely telling the whole truth. Or that she has a full adult understanding of the situation. I'm just saying that I don't necessarily see the red flags in her story that some have mentioned, because I really am dealing with a family that's every bit of what she claims, so I know it's possible that she's telling the whole truth.

Either way, bless you for helping the girl out. She's going to need a lot of love and support, as well as a lot of life lessons. It's not easy, and I'm so happy that she has someone she can trust through this huge change in her life.
I agree. I come from a background of abuse and dysfunction and I didn’t see any red flags in this story. I read the OP and thought everything sounded par for the course.

OP, have this girl read up on Cluster B personality disorders and see if anything hits close to home. Have her start lurking on the Raised By Narcissists subreddit if she wants to find others who have lived with this. Honestly, these types of toxic people are a dime a dozen and once you become familiar with it, the only thing that’s shocking is how similar and predictable they are.
 
I had the complete opposite reaction here having read this whole thread (including the likelihood of her actually being accepted). I would doubt that she even WANTS to join the military beyond seeing it as a "way out" of what she's currently going through. If she is truly sheltered, younger than her age and unaware of how to be independent, this sounds like a rude awakening that could seriously overwhelm her. Though I guess for some, that is what they need? Still, I'd want to be sure that it's actually what she genuinely wants to do and be involved in.

OP, you're doing an amazing thing and likely giving her so much hope and solace. I hope things improve here!

Thank you so much for giving me your take on the situation. I feel so overwhelmed and so unsure what is the best thing to do. Hence I am deferring to the therapist. But, everything has been a slow process. Thank you!!!!! I really do appreciate a different point of view. I do believe that for the first time in 19 years that she is learning who she is and what she wants in life. I did think that the miliary would be good for her, but in the end it is her choice. I hope the therapist and her can find her -self!!

I agree. I come from a background of abuse and dysfunction and I didn’t see any red flags in this story. I read the OP and thought everything sounded par for the course.

OP, have this girl read up on Cluster B personality disorders and see if anything hits close to home. Have her start lurking on the Raised By Narcissists subreddit if she wants to find others who have lived with this. Honestly, these types of toxic people are a dime a dozen and once you become familiar with it, the only thing that’s shocking is how similar and predictable they are.

I am so sorry that you went through abuse. I will pass along the info to her therapist. I am treading lightly on so many things bc I do not want to hurt her. We are all that she has and I feel so unprepared for this situation. Thank you for replying and again I am sorry that you were in a dysfunctional family.
 


I had the complete opposite reaction here having read this whole thread (including the likelihood of her actually being accepted). I would doubt that she even WANTS to join the military beyond seeing it as a "way out" of what she's currently going through. If she is truly sheltered, younger than her age and unaware of how to be independent, this sounds like a rude awakening that could seriously overwhelm her. Though I guess for some, that is what they need? Still, I'd want to be sure that it's actually what she genuinely wants to do and be involved in.

OP, you're doing an amazing thing and likely giving her so much hope and solace. I hope things improve here!

I had your reaction as well. The military woudl have been the last place I would send this young girl. It is often seen as an escapee route, but would be a nightmare for anyoen without basic life skills.

OP- I have no idea what you are in for, but I commend you and your family for stepping in. If you can find a skilled therapist for her, and if you can help her to navigate this mess while she learns basic skills that most teens take for granted, she will be at least prepared to navigate what is in her future. My heart breaks for her.
 
This is just a venting post bc I am so tired and so worn down. I am not asking for suggestions or encouragement or criticism. I just gotta get it out. It has been so difficult and I feel so bad for being frustrated. I am shocked and confused everyday. Again, I had to ask her to NOT play her music at 6:15 am in hallway bathroom. I have not had to refill the bathroom soap dispenser and WT...she doesn't think to wash her hands after using the bathroom....yucky dirty hands touching stuff!!! She put the bathroom's wicker laundry basket (that doesn't leave the bathroom) on the painted white banister and dragged it along the banister. The banister needs to be repainted now. She need too many reminders and I have not been able to manage our families schedule. At 1:30 AM I had to tell the girls to go to bed. I was up from 1:30 AM until 5 AM then I had to get up at 6 AM to get her to church. I am so tired. I had to remind DH to NOT tell her what to do in a stern voice. She spent her life having someone tell her what to do and with hold love if she didn't, and we can not be that way. She left her laundry in the dryer for days. I reminded her and broke down and folded it today bc I could not take it anymore. I cried for part of the morning bc I am overwhelmed. I take my DD figure skating around 6AM so my day starts at 5 AM and usually ends around 8 or 9 PM but I have been staying up to help or pick up from work. So, I am tired....but today she made fun of me...she laughed at me and I lost it. My family understands my "language" .....the thingy ding, the watchamacallit. I needed to go back to ikea to get a laundry basket and hangy thing....She was so amused but I am so hurt. We don't make fun of each other. We joke with each other and I am so tired, but we don't make each other feel bad. That's all just venting....

Lost is just means...i could not be part of anything and just shut down and cried. I would not yell or hit...just clarifying.
 
She is 19 and behaving as a 10 year old. Just because she had rough beginnings doesn't mean you should let her abuse you. Set boundaries and stick to them. If she plays music and keeps you awake, tell her she will need to sleep elsewhere next time it happens. If she leaves her stuff in the washer or dryer, put it in a pile on her bed ( completely wet if need be). If the banister needs painted due to damage she caused, she can do it. If she is being disrespectful and making fun of you then it is ok to ask her to leave. I understand wanting to help, but you are a person too, and deserve to be comfortable in your home.
 
She is 19 and behaving as a 10 year old. Just because she had rough beginnings doesn't mean you should let her abuse you. Set boundaries and stick to them. If she plays music and keeps you awake, tell her she will need to sleep elsewhere next time it happens. If she leaves her stuff in the washer or dryer, put it in a pile on her bed ( completely wet if need be). If the banister needs painted due to damage she caused, she can do it. If she is being disrespectful and making fun of you then it is ok to ask her to leave. I understand wanting to help, but you are a person too, and deserve to be comfortable in your home.

I agree. There is no reason to allow this kind of behavior in your home. I am afraid you may be overcompensating because of her background, but that is not going to help her.

I would sit her carcass down and go over the family rules that she must adhere to, just as the rest of you do follow, and mean it.

Tell her that it is not okay to ridicule people and that will not be tolerated.
Tell her that she is responsible for her laundry, and that she may not leave it for you or anyoen else to do.
She should have chores, just as the rest of your have, and should be expected to do them just as you all do.
She should repaid anything she damages.

I would tell her that while you understand that she needed time to adjust, the party is over. You will help and guide her, but she is no longer a guest, but a member fo the family, so no more shenanigans.
 
OP has it ever occurred to you that this girl may be just as toxic as her family is (or how she says they are) and she is playing you and yours like a fiddle?
This. I can’t get past the thought the OP is being played.

Whether her family is truly toxic or not it sounds like *she* is toxic and there’s no way in hell I’d let that come between me and mine or go down in my home. If she’s truly been abused she may be beyond your help and will need a professional.
 
This. I can’t get past the thought the OP is being played.

Whether her family is truly toxic or not it sounds like *she* is toxic and there’s no way in hell I’d let that come between me and mine or go down in my home. If she’s truly been abused she may be beyond your help and will need a professional.

Something just isn't right here, there is so much going on that it seems like a script for a Jerry Springer show. Someone is getting played, maybe it's the OP or maybe it's us.
 
Something just isn't right here, there is so much going on that it seems like a script for a Jerry Springer show. Someone is getting played, maybe it's the OP or maybe it's us.

I don't know what the entire story is, but there is aways more. I am not willing to say that the OP is getting played, but i bet you a buck that this girl has more issues than is ot in the open for the Op to see.
 
I do believe that joining the military will be the best thing that she ever does in her life. (My family and husbands is full of Army, sister-in-laws is full of Marines, sister's in laws is full of Navy, good friend is Air Force...We have no Coast Guard )
Obtaining her birth certificate will be a BIG pain in the butt! She was born in a Russian orphanage. She needs to go to the Consulate to obtain documents to petition the courts for her birth certificate. I think??? Still learning. Then get her social security card, then get a passport. .

Thank you all again!! I feel empowered to help instead of overwhelmed and frustrated. Thank you!!

Yes, we did get ourselves into a situation!

I do appreciate the caution that you are advising. And, I agree that despite her physical age of 19 (She will be 20 in January) that her emotional age is closer to 15/16. We were aware that her family was strict. We just did not realize that physical abuse took place and you are right....I should take things with a grain of salt.

Thank you so much for the USCIS link. She does remember having a US passport. I think we need to empower her to make a life for herself instead of us worrying how we are going to make a life for her.
Just reiterating what was brought up earlier in the thread as related to the bolded.

You might want to familiarize yourself with the work of Dr. Bruce Perry of Texas Children's Hospital who has done work on brain development in neglected and abused children.

45F0A64300000578-5043215-Images_shared_by_Professor_Bruce_Perry_-a-39_1509634312280.jpg

Images shared by Professor Bruce Perry show how an neglected or abusive childhood can impact on the brain structures. Read more: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/...toddlers-reveal-impact-childhood-neglect.html

This is a lengthy, but good, article that goes into more detail. I think parts of it will be helpful to understanding your situation, but also demonstrate why this young woman may need more help, understanding and support than you can provide.

https://childtrauma.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Sun-Interview-Bruce-Perry-Nov-2016.pdf

"Supin: What advice do you give to people who work with traumatized kids?

Perry: It’s critically important to meet the child exactly where he or she is developmentally. Imagine a twelve-year-old living in poverty, with hurtful and unpredictable parenting and miserable experiences at school. at child will be much less mature than a typical twelve-year-old. In fact, he’s probably more like a four-year-old socially, and maybe a seven-year-old cognitively.

I teach people to change their expectations at first, be- cause otherwise he won’t progress. I’ll tell his teachers that even though he’s in sixth grade, his ability to learn is closer to a first-grader’s, and he has the attention span of a preschooler.


You wouldn’t expect a preschooler to sit still for more than a few minutes, would you? So they adjust their expectations and allow the child to move around or shift to a new task more frequently. e child’s behavior soon improves, and that once- disruptive boy can learn and even excel at an appropriate age level."
 
Just echoing what design_mom has said.

It might help to familiarize yourself with Reactive Attachment Disorders
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/...-issues-and-reactive-attachment-disorders.htm

You can find some articles about the young adult/adult with RAD, as well.

Good luck. It is not an easy thing to deal with.
Also reposting this from page 2.

Some children adopted from overcrowded and understaffed orphanages may not have had all their needs met as infants and young children. To compound matters, they may have also been born addicted to drugs or alcohol and/or their birth mothers may have had poor to no pre-natal care. Infants may have suffered nutritional deficiencies in-utero and in their earliest days, etc., there are a lot of considerations but they all contribute, according to this researcher and other experts, to these brain abnormalities which can inhibit their ability to learn and function without a lot of the right kind of support, all the way into adulthood.
 
I don't know what the entire story is, but there is aways more. I am not willing to say that the OP is getting played, but i bet you a buck that this girl has more issues than is ot in the open for the Op to see.

This girl is almost 20 years old, has 2 jobs yet doesn't know how make a sandwich, and is incapable of figuring it out without the OP to teach her? What does she do at her jobs, sit like a bump on a log?
She signed an LA fitness contract but doesn't have a bank account?
There are some things in the OP's posts that don't make much sense IMO. Those are just a few examples of things that make you go hmmm
 

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