What do you think is an appropriate CASH wedding gift a/k/a HOW MUCH TO GIVE??

[IDoDis]

Oh my -- I almost passed out from reading this thread! First of all, to pay for your meal is crazy. That leaves a bride and groom to have no limits on their wedding since the guests will be covering their meals. I've never heard of such a thing. Then again, I'm out here in NM where we do things a little differently. I think I spend about $50 tops for a wedding gift.

DH and I have been married almost 15 years. We had our reception at a southwestern bed & breakfast on the Rio Grande River. It was inexpensive, but very lovely. A far cry from a hotel ballroom. We were outdoors on the bosque, had a DJ, dancing, and a buffet that was catered by friends & family. Many of the guests said it was the nicest wedding they had ever been to.

Having said that, our gifts were not money. I think in money we maybe got $300.00 total (100 or so guests at the wedding). The largest amount of cash we got from any one person was $50.00. We received the gifts we had registered for and were very happy with that. Most of the gifts were really nice. The most expensive gifts we got were our china place settings, sliverware, and a bread machine (which was $200 at the time).

Out here, the larger weddings have a money tree at the reception in addition to the wedding gift. Guests can clip whatever amount to the tree and the couple takes it with them on their honeymoon. Most people will clip a $20 on the tree, but some will clip less.

I find it real interesting that the wedding gifts have gotten so expensive in other parts of the country, yet on another thread a while back, people said it was tacky to have a baby shower for a 2nd child and therefore they don't give a gift. I just don't get that.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

See, we don't give TWO gifts as a rule. A person who's invited to a shower and gives a nice gift there isn't expected to give a wedding gift as well. Someone who's invited to multiple showers (mothers, sisters of the bride perhaps) usually give a nice gift at the "family shower" and a small token gift at the secondary showerse (work shower, church shower); no one would be crass enough to point out that "so and so's own mom gave her only a blender" -- it's assumed that close family has given something nicer at other showers. Except for family, ONE GIFT is given to celebrate the marriage.

Well we give two separate gifts.

It's customary to give separate gifts for a bridal shower and for the wedding. After all, they are two separate occasions--one's a shower and one's a wedding.

 

[MrsPete]

And what will the bride do with all of this china and crystal? What if you have over 200 people at the wedding and they all give china and crystal? Is the bride allowed to return some of it? Or is that frowned upon?

When I watched the movie Steel Magnolia's I saw that a Southern custom is to have a groom's cake. What is that all about? Why do you have a separate cake for the groom?

I've never heard about the bow cutting thing.

Fine china (some people have two patterns, though people don't usually register for two unless they're having a huge wedding -- that'd often result in having just a fiew pieces of each pattern), crystal, and sterling silver . . . everyday dishes, glassware, and silverware . . . Christmas china . . . and lots of people have breakfast china (smaller dishes, usually rather English looking) as well. Some people have special china, say, for serving Mexican food (or whatever they like and serve frequently). Then there's kitchenware: nice pots and pans, good knives, upscale small appliances, etc. -- often the bride/groom have cheap-o kitchen ware, but they get "the good stuff" for wedding gifts. And linens. Pick up a copy of Southern Living magazine; yes, we do set tables like that when we entertain!

I personally have three sets of fine china, two sets of everyday china, two sets of sterling, and everyday flatware. I'm not so into crystal. In addition, I have particularly nice silver serving pieces. And, yes, I use them!

Exchanging duplicates for "didn't gets" isn't a problem, though people don't usually talk about it -- and since they're duplicates no one ever knows anyway.

The groom's cake is usually chocolate. It can be served as dessert at the rehearsal dinner, but it's usually served at the reception as an alternative to the bride's cake, which is usually a white cake. The groom's cake is smaller than the bride's cake (it's not meant to "compete" with her cake), but it is decorated. Traditionally the groom's cake is topped with a chocolate-on-chocolate monogram; more modern groom's cakes represent the his college, a hobby (like golf), or his occupation (especially if he's a firefighter, or something like that).

 

[MrsPete]

Well we give two separate gifts.

It's customary to give separate gifts for a bridal shower and for the wedding. After all, they are two separate occasions--one's a shower and one's a wedding.

But they're in honor of the same occasion: the marriage.

Serious question: If you "have Christmas" at your house on Christmas morning, then a couple days later you drive over to the next state to visit your in-laws and you "have Christmas" again, do you give your own children more gifts? It's two separate occasions.

 

[MrsPete]

Oh my -- I almost passed out from reading this thread! First of all, to pay for your meal is crazy. That leaves a bride and groom to have no limits on their wedding since the guests will be covering their meals.

Something else that I'm surprised no one's mentioned:

Let's say you are supposed to "cover your plate". Who paid for the reception? It was probably the bride's parents. Are the bride and groom supposed to hand over their cash gifts to her parents? If not, what's the point of trying to guess the cost of the meal and ante up?

Along those same lines . . . does anyone remember that the diamond industry used to advertise that an engagement ring "should" cost two months' salary? That's another unrealistic figure pulled out of a hat somewhere!

 

[EMom]

Wedding guests would NOT be happy if they showed up to a wedding reception and there wasn't a groom's cake. Heck, some people look forward to it more than the actual wedding/bride's cake, especially if they are chocoholics. I have never been to a wedding without a groom's cake, so I don't know how to explain it. It just IS.

As for extra china...Is there such a thing? Okay, seriously...You can exchange duplicates, but you must be discreet. I never registered for Christmas china, but many do. We have our wedding china and 12 place settings of ONE of my DH's grandmother's china patterns. I say ONE, because she had a few patterns. They entertained a lot. When MIL passes away, I imagine we will take custody of her 24 place settings of china until DD is old enough for it. (Never mind all those serving pieces.) I told DH I hope DD likes one of those patterns (ours, his mother's or his grandmother's) because if she registers for her OWN pattern someday, that means she will eventually come into possession of four sets of china as the only granddaughter. At some point, you just cannot find a big enough china hutch. I actually prefer DH's grandmother's long discontinued pattern to our own wedding china, and it has become the one I like to use.

And what will the bride do with all of this china and crystal? What if you have over 200 people at the wedding and they all give china and crystal? Is the bride allowed to return some of it? Or is that frowned upon?

When I watched the movie Steel Magnolia's I saw that a Southern custom is to have a groom's cake. What is that all about? Why do you have a separate cake for the groom?

I've never heard about the bow cutting thing.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Oh my -- I almost passed out from reading this thread! First of all, to pay for your meal is crazy. That leaves a bride and groom to have no limits on their wedding since the guests will be covering their meals. I've never heard of such a thing. Then again, I'm out here in NM where we do things a little differently. I think I spend about $50 tops for a wedding gift.

DH and I have been married almost 15 years. We had our reception at a southwestern bed & breakfast on the Rio Grande River. It was inexpensive, but very lovely. A far cry from a hotel ballroom. We were outdoors on the bosque, had a DJ, dancing, and a buffet that was catered by friends & family. Many of the guests said it was the nicest wedding they had ever been to.

Having said that, our gifts were not money. I think in money we maybe got $300.00 total (100 or so guests at the wedding). The largest amount of cash we got from any one person was $50.00. We received the gifts we had registered for and were very happy with that. Most of the gifts were really nice. The most expensive gifts we got were our china place settings, sliverware, and a bread machine (which was $200 at the time).

Out here, the larger weddings have a money tree at the reception in addition to the wedding gift. Guests can clip whatever amount to the tree and the couple takes it with them on their honeymoon. Most people will clip a $20 on the tree, but some will clip less.

I find it real interesting that the wedding gifts have gotten so expensive in other parts of the country, yet on another thread a while back, people said it was tacky to have a baby shower for a 2nd child and therefore they don't give a gift. I just don't get that.

I think people are misunderstanding what we do. People here don't charge their guests for their dinners. But some people have the idea that you should at least cover the cost of your plate. Which, by the way, I do not agree with. I give what I can afford or what I think is appropriate for the occasion.

I've been to weddings in other states where they had the money dance. You would dance with the bride and pin money on her dress.

I've never heard of a money tree before. That's interesting.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Fine china (some people have two patterns, though people don't usually register for two unless they're having a huge wedding -- that'd often result in having just a fiew pieces of each pattern), crystal, and sterling silver . . . everyday dishes, glassware, and silverware . . . Christmas china . . . and lots of people have breakfast china (smaller dishes, usually rather English looking) as well. Some people have special china, say, for serving Mexican food (or whatever they like and serve frequently). Then there's kitchenware: nice pots and pans, good knives, upscale small appliances, etc. -- often the bride/groom have cheap-o kitchen ware, but they get "the good stuff" for wedding gifts. And linens. Pick up a copy of Southern Living magazine; yes, we do set tables like that when we entertain!

I personally have three sets of fine china, two sets of everyday china, two sets of sterling, and everyday flatware. I'm not so into crystal. In addition, I have particularly nice silver serving pieces. And, yes, I use them!

Exchanging duplicates for "didn't gets" isn't a problem, though people don't usually talk about it -- and since they're duplicates no one ever knows anyway.

The groom's cake is usually chocolate. It can be served as dessert at the rehearsal dinner, but it's usually served at the reception as an alternative to the bride's cake, which is usually a white cake. The groom's cake is smaller than the bride's cake (it's not meant to "compete" with her cake), but it is decorated. Traditionally the groom's cake is topped with a chocolate-on-chocolate monogram; more modern groom's cakes represent the his college, a hobby (like golf), or his occupation (especially if he's a firefighter, or something like that).

Who wants two china patterns, breakfast china etc? That seems excessive and a bit greedy too.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

But they're in honor of the same occasion: the marriage.

Serious question: If you "have Christmas" at your house on Christmas morning, then a couple days later you drive over to the next state to visit your in-laws and you "have Christmas" again, do you give your own children more gifts? It's two separate occasions.

I actually do do that. We have Christmas here in NJ and then another one in Florida with my family there. My kids and husband get gifts to open at both places. That's only because I won't carry large or heavy gifts down there just to have to bring them back. Especially if we fly down. So I have them open those gifts at home.

Here a bridal shower is usually a surprise event and you are suppose to give the bride a *small* gift like a blender, cookbook or whatever (but here of course, some showers and gifts are taken to the extreme). The shower is given to help the bride furnish her home/kitchen. The wedding is always a separate gift giving occasion. You might be invited to the wedding and not the shower, but never invited to the shower and not the wedding too.

 

[Mari annie]

I dont' agree with some of the opinions stating (depending where you live)
If you never see these neices/nephews, etc.
I give less, no matter what I can afford.

I truly believe the gift=closeness of the person in ones life!

Here's one for you: I haven't heard from a an old college roomate, although I emailed (several times) sent Christmas cards (rarely heard from her=maybe every couple years. None the less, I haven't seen her in nearly 10 years-and her son (OH) graduated June 3. I get the folded invite (no note) on the 23 June), I sent her an note in the mail, saying "tell him Congrats, my son just graduated from HS too!"! What was that? Crap I say!!!
Though we can well enough afford gifts/$, you don't want to be bothered-enough said. I didn't go around soliticing $$ or cheap gifts from people I never see when my son graduated from HS in June! How trashy!!!!;-(
Everyone works here and we are sending my son to college in FL, at that!
I just don't understand why people get so hung up on the gift thing........give what your heart tells you......

pssps by the way, for years we exchanged bday gifts/xmas presents with this family since they lived in MA, but things change.

Less than 2 weeks to FL.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Something else that I'm surprised no one's mentioned:

Let's say you are supposed to "cover your plate". Who paid for the reception? It was probably the bride's parents. Are the bride and groom supposed to hand over their cash gifts to her parents? If not, what's the point of trying to guess the cost of the meal and ante up?

Along those same lines . . . does anyone remember that the diamond industry used to advertise that an engagement ring "should" cost two months' salary? That's another unrealistic figure pulled out of a hat somewhere!

Not everyone thinks you have to or should cover your plate. I don't know where that piece of nonsense started. I know how it started in my family. I had one greedy, controlling aunt that would try and tell everyone else what they should do.

Parents used to pay for weddings. But with kids getting married later today and wanting bigger and more extravagant weddings, I don't know if most can afford to anymore.

 

[OKWAnneMarie]

I think people are misunderstanding what we do. People here don't charge their guests for their dinners. But some people have the idea that you should at least cover the cost of your plate. Which, by the way, I do not agree with. I give what I can afford or what I think is appropriate for the occasion.

I've been to weddings in other states where they had the money dance. You would dance with the bride and pin money on her dress.

I've never heard of a money tree before. That's interesting.

I agree that people are misunderstanding the concept of "covering" the dinner. No one is paying for their dinner. They are just trying to help the couple recoup some of the money they are paying for the reception. I don't agree with that concept when a couple chooses a very expensive venue. That's their problem. I believe you should give what you can afford.

I saw the money dance once in Lancaster, PA. Never heard of the money tree or the cutting of the bows.

 

[kimisabella]

When you are from an old fashioned Italian family (like mine) they go as far as calling the wedding gift the "boost" - meaning, to help boost them up and start out their marriage - It is not unheard of for a couple to make
$20 - $30k in monetary gifts from their wedding. Showers are a seperate party where the bride usually gets everything she needs for her home - most of the time having 2 or more registries - we do that because there are alot of people usually invited and to give them a range of prices to choose from, and there may be people coming from different areas that don't have access to the same stores as in the brides area. I have seen other posts were people think this practice is insane, ect... This is just how it is here, just as the south has their traditions, practices, ect... I've been to wedding where I know that the plate was over $300/person, but I did not give that much because I wasn't that close with the couple and I didn't have $600 to give them as a gift - however, if it was my sister, niece, nephew, the situaion would be different.

 

[Belle5]

I find it real interesting that the wedding gifts have gotten so expensive in other parts of the country, yet on another thread a while back, people said it was tacky to have a baby shower for a 2nd child and therefore they don't give a gift. I just don't get that.

I agree there is no logic in this! I have been on these boards for almost eight years and have watched the "more than one baby shower" debates and wedding gift comparisons go on several times. Having been raised in an area of the country that is heavily populated with "old world" descendants (mostly Italian and Greek), I went to many baby showers where there were rented halls, lots of food and gifts like cribs, strollers, changing tables, etc. I can really understand folks not wanting to give that kind of shower a second time (for a second child) especially after giving a very elaborate (expensive) wedding perhaps only a few years earlier. Several of us on the baby shower "debates" have claimed that we were given second, third,fourth and in my case a fifth baby "shower". For my first shower (in the southwestern area of the U.S.) I received clothing (mostly pink because all the ladies had determined that they could tell I was having a girl because of my small abdomen etc.. I also had a pink cake and pink balloons. Please note the make-up of my family in my signature! ) This shower was in another young mother's home and served with homemade cake. The largest gift I received was a high chair from two older ladies who went together. One person would give a set of bibs, another a pack of cloth diapers. You get the idea. (These are the same types of gifts someone might bring to your home when they come to see the baby.) Subsequent "showers" have been similar clothing/cake affairs. (The exception was on my fifth "shower" for my sixth son. My girlfriends are all older and made more of an affair of things.) All this to say I find it so contradictory that folks get in a huff over these baby "showers", when the "pay-for-your-plate" wedding reception custom is considered "normal". (The marriage that you have given $500 has a great chance of not lasting statistically speaking) Heaven forbid if anyone celebrates (with a $10 outfit and some cake) the "fruit" of the lasting union for a second or third time! Admittedly, I would not want to host the elaborate hall, catered baby shower events that I grew up with-- for a second time. Maybe if these events weren't so over-the-top, there wouldn't be such need to worry about celebrating subsequent children...

 

[MrsPete]

At some point, you just cannot find a big enough china hutch

There's some truth to that! Personally, I have a china hutch in my dining room AND another in my entryway. I keep the Christmas china in that little no-good cabinet above the refrigerator -- you know, the one that's impossible to get to without a chair. My everyday things, of course, are stored in the kitchen; around December 1st I "switch" my Christmas china and my everyday china -- and the everyday stuff lives above the refrigerator during Christmas season. It's just part of the Christmas decorating routine.

 

[MrsPete]

Who wants two china patterns, breakfast china etc? That seems excessive and a bit greedy too.

I'd say that collecting china, which can be used for gracious entertaining for a lifetime, then passed on to another generation is less greedy than expecting large cash gifts!

 

[MrsPete]

I truly believe the gift=closeness of the person in ones life!

That makes perfect sense to me!

Here's one for you: I haven't heard from a an old college roomate, although I emailed (several times) sent Christmas cards (rarely heard from her=maybe every couple years. None the less, I haven't seen her in nearly 10 years-and her son (OH) graduated June 3. I get the folded invite (no note) on the 23 June), I sent her an note in the mail, saying "tell him Congrats, my son just graduated from HS too!"! What was that?

That's trolling for gifts! I teach high school seniors, and it's almost a competition among some of them:

"I mailed out 100 invitations -- I can't wait for the money to start rolling in."
"100 invitations? Who in the world'd you mail them to?"
"Oh, all the people at church, all my relatives . . . "

I think some brides do the same thing -- host a large wedding just because they're hoping for more gifts -- though they generally have more manners than to admit it!

 

[MrsPete]

When you are from an old fashioned Italian family (like mine) they go as far as calling the wedding gift the "boost" - meaning, to help boost them up and start out their marriage - It is not unheard of for a couple to make
$20 - $30k in monetary gifts from their wedding. Showers are a seperate party where the bride usually gets everything she needs for her home - most of the time having 2 or more registries - we do that because there are alot of people usually invited and to give them a range of prices to choose from, and there may be people coming from different areas that don't have access to the same stores as in the brides area. I have seen other posts were people think this practice is insane, ect... This is just how it is here, just as the south has their traditions, practices, ect... I've been to wedding where I know that the plate was over $300/person, but I did not give that much because I wasn't that close with the couple and I didn't have $600 to give them as a gift - however, if it was my sister, niece, nephew, the situaion would be different.

Interesting. Southerners tend to look at all the wedding festivities -- showers, bridal luncheon, the wedding itself -- all as a way to help the new couple start their life together, but I've never heard the term "boost".

 

[mickeyfan2]

I'd say that collecting china, which can be used for gracious entertaining for a lifetime, then passed on to another generation is less greedy than expecting large cash gifts!

If you get it passed on to you then why do you need to ask for more?

Expecting large gifts (money or china etc.) is greedy.

A pp said she had her grandmother's china, her mother's china and her own china. She has one daughter and she said she can have all of these and her own pattern if she wants. Eventually after enough generations one would have enough different patterns to host a party each week with different china.

 

[MrsPete]

If you get it passed on to you then why do you need to ask for more?

Expecting large gifts (money or china etc.) is greedy.

A pp said she had her grandmother's china, her mother's china and her own china. She has one daughter and she said she can have all of these and her own pattern if she wants. Eventually after enough generations one would have enough different patterns to host a party each week with different china.

When I got married 17 years ago I had NO CHINA. In recent years, my grandmother gave me one set of her china and one set of silver. There's no guarantee of who'll get what items, and there's no guarantee that inherited sets'll be complete -- remember, these items are being USED, not just looked at.

My mother, for example, has just a few pieces of her mother's wedding china; it was a small set in the first place, and pieces were broken over time. Still, my mom remembers Sunday lunches on that china, and it's special to her. She does something I think is nice: she reserves that china for meals that're JUST herself and her husband -- no one else is allowed to use it! She could never set the table for the whole family with that china, but she still loves it.

I have a sister, so she'll get a good bit of our family things. It's not like everyone's going to inherit six or eight sets -- my cousins have various items that I remember from our childhoods. And I have two daughters, so my things'll eventually be divided between them.