What do you think is an appropriate CASH wedding gift a/k/a HOW MUCH TO GIVE??

[Worfiedoodles]

This has been such a fun thread to read!

I was married in the Midwest, and my dh's family is from NH. I had one shower in each community (My future MIL had a shower for me, wrapped all the gifts and sent them to us), and then his family had to travel for the wedding. It was pretty much gifts for the wedding (I guess Missouri is the most northern Southern state), with a bit of cash from the NH guests, and also some lovely gifts.

We've lived in MA for 11 years now, and we have given cash at the weddings we have attended. Since we are in the late 30s/early 40s range, most of our friends are on more than their first marriage -- and who knows what they have and want?!

The two weddings we most recently attended were for college friends, and we gave $200 - $250. I haven't thought about it in terms of my nieces yet, the oldest is 17, so hopefully I have a little while. I have three nieces, so we will have to decide on an amount for the first one and stick to it. They are sisters, so we definitely want to treat them equally...

I will mention, I had a typical wedding, my SIL got married 3 days before me in Vegas, and people definitely seemed to feel more compelled to give us gifts since we had church ceremony and reception. 14 years later, we're all just as married LOL.

 

[snomofinn]

I've been a bridesmaid 6 times, and just one of those weddings was I invited to only one bridal shower. I'd say there were probably 3 per wedding, on average? [/FONT][/QUOTE]



I know the showers that I've been to are like that as well, but Iam usually invited to only 1 shower, unless the circumstance sees fit (standing up, or immediate family). They usually have a shower from the brides side, and then from the grooms side,and then the have a personal shower with the immediate family/close friends of the bride and the bridesmaids. This post is really amazing on how different weddings are from different parts of the country. Being from the burbs of Chicago 99% of the weddings I go to are held at either a country club, hotel/banquet hall. My father was originally from Southern Illinois (near Kentucky) in a little farming town. All my father's side still live there, and I will tell you those are some of the best weddings I've been to!! They usually last 3 days! There are no fancy hotels/country clubs etc..there held at the local Legion or K of C Hall. The day before the wedding is the rehersal and anyone can come and they do! After the rehersal we go to the hall and help the bride and groom and bridal party decorate. The band is usually setting up (always a polka band) and they start playing while we are decorating and the women in the church usually cook and bring over food for everyone and it turns into a big party. The day of the wedding starts with a early church ceremony usually around 12:00 and the reception starts immediately afterwards and last all day and night. They serve "supper" around 4:00pm and then again around 10:00pm. The food once again is prepared by women in the church and is home cooked. There are 2 wedding cakes, including a grooms cake. There is no ellabrate sit down meal, it's set up in a buffet line, and you eat off of plastic plates and silverware. The open bar serves only pop, water, beer and "highballs", no fancy drinks there. The wedding day last until 1:00am or so. The next day the brides mother has a brunch at their house for everyone that came from out of town and immediate family. By the end of that day I would imagine the family is in a coma! But, those are some of the best weddings I've been to!

 

[kimberh]

If you are paying over $100 per plate (sometimes WAY over) you tend not to invite people you hardly know.

How big are your wedding down South anyway? I had a very small wedding of 50 people. I was close to everyone there (with the exception of DH's family).

The Wedding, I was referring to was at a Plantation. I did go, and very glad that I did. She probably had 150 people there. It was beautiful. My daughter had 300 at hers... my son had 325 at his. They can be pretty large. We did not pay $100.00 per plate, either. We tend to rent very nice places, then have a band and a buffet with 2 meats and all the trimmings. We do have places to set down at, but the guests do mingle.

Our families (this is my family) total over 50 people. At Christmas we have 44 on my husbands side... that is without any out of town family. At my mothers, we have 26. That is for Christmas dinner.

 

[Eastern]

This thread is fascinating to read. When I got married, at a very upscale place, I got quite a range of gifts, from $42.73 (I am not kidding) to $300. -Most- of the gifts were in the $75-$125 range, per couple.

Imagine my surprise when I started going to weddings myself and found that 'everyone gives at least $200 per couple!' Well, where were all those people at my wedding!

Really, just give what you can afford and what you feel is correct. I will -guarantee- you everyone is not giving even $200 per couple.

 

[SILLYANDI]

It seems as though we here in the Northeast have a tendency to overdo things, and weddings are no exception to this. I have been to two weddings on Long Island, and in addition to having to shell out big gift$, I sat in traffic for most of my journey out to those weddings. When we were married over 12 years ago, we had people giving us $200. Trust me, it didn't cost $200 per person at our catering hall, and it was a very wonderful affair. We also had people that we invited who we knew did not have the money to provide us with abig gift, but that is not why they were invited. On the other hand, we had a couple who attended who had some money, drank like there was no tomorrow, and the gift from them was......are you ready.....sit down......this is really good.......A $50 Savings Bond! So, their night out on us, cost them a whopping $25! Does anyone give savings bonds as a wedding gift.....did anyone ever? By the time this thing matures, it won't even fill my gas tank!
But anywho, as a rule, we try and cover the cost of our meals, but do tend to give more to family members. We still have the list of what people gave us at our wedding, and we consult that as well!

WOW! We invited people to our wedding (rich, poor, whatever) for the purpose of sharing/witnessing one of the happiest days of our lives. I never even considered their income, their income vs present or any of that. I was so happy to get married and have them all there, I would have gladly done it without gifts and I would spent every cent again not even thinking about the fact that I paid for their meal and they didn't reciprocate with a gift. I can't even imagine being bitter about a GIFT! WOW!

PS I have never gone to a wedding thinking "WHAT A GREAT FREE NIGHT OUT!" I have always either seen it as a wonderful day to share with the couple or a polite thing to do to considering I was invited (in the case of couples that are not neccessarily..should I say...not doing it for the right reasons).

 

[punkin]

The Wedding, I was referring to was at a Plantation. I did go, and very glad that I did. She probably had 150 people there. It was beautiful. My daughter had 300 at hers... my son had 325 at his. They can be pretty large. We did not pay $100.00 per plate, either. We tend to rent very nice places, then have a band and a buffet with 2 meats and all the trimmings. We do have places to set down at, but the guests do mingle.

Our families (this is my family) total over 50 people. At Christmas we have 44 on my husbands side... that is without any out of town family. At my mothers, we have 26. That is for Christmas dinner.

I agree that my wedding was unusually small, but 300 people? Wow. I would guess that most of the weddings I have been to are between 100-150 people. If you have a large family (like you do), I would think the bride and groom would be very close to most of the people there.

I have a friend who had 500 at her wedding (before I met her) and I was shocked. I don't think I even know 500 people.

 

[madge]

My Southern shower experience has been different from NotUrsula's. I've been to very elaborate ones where so much china, crystal and silver was given that you would have thought you were at a department store. Others were the "token" showers where very small and inexpensive gifts were the norm and the shower was really an excuse to get together. And I've been to everything in between.

I probably should have elaborated on my multi-shower per wedding experiences, LOL... I've experienced the same as EMom describes, from showers at the Country Club with fancy-shmancy food & gifts to a "stock the bar" cocktail party for the groom, to a good old fashioned pig roast "shower" for the couple. I've also attended much smaller, simpler (but no less fun or meaningful) showers as well. Last year, I helped host a recipe shower, where the only think we asked was that people bring a copy of their favorite recipe.
We took the recipes and put them in a book for the bride. Some of the guests added a small kitchen-y gift to their recipe, but it certainly wasn't a requirement.

One of my favorites (that I attended) was a "'round the clock" shower, where each guest was assigned a time of day for their gift - THAT was interesting, to see how people interpreted each hour of the day

Up North, do you have the tradition of cutting the bows? Meaning, how every many bows you tear/cut to open your gifts, that equals the number of children you're supposed to have? We open our shower gifts VERY carefully down here, and do all we can to leave them intact.

In my hometown, there's a jewelry store (where everyone registers for their china & crystal) that's known for it's packaging. It's nearly impossible to open a gift without breaking a bow, LOL!

 

[kimberh]

One of our traditions is we take the bows from the shower presents... make a rehearsal bouquet for the wedding rehearsal. We also do the breaking of the bows. The brides tries so hard to not break more than 2 or 3. On the rehearsal night, the Maid of Honor brings the bow bouquet to the wedding rehearsal. The bride has to many other things to think about. Let me back up... after the shower, we have to count the broke bows, take pictures with the bouquet, we tape or staple the bows to a paper plate.

I am really loving hearing what everyone does. I did not have any idea we were all so different.

 

[madge]

One of our traditions is we take the bows from the shower presents... make a rehearsal bouquet for the wedding rehearsal. We also do the breaking of the bows. The brides tries so hard to not break more than 2 or 3. On the rehearsal night, the Maid of Honor brings the bow bouquet to the wedding rehearsal. The bride has to many other things to think about. Let me back up... after the shower, we have to count the broke bows, take pictures with the bouquet, we tape or staple the bows to a paper plate.

I am really loving hearing what everyone does. I did not have any idea we were all so different.

we do the same, with the bow bouquets. Usually, there's enough for the bridesmaids to carry, too.

Now I have a question. Speaking of bridesmaids... is there a regional/cultural amount of bridesmaids in the bridal party? My wedding was small, I had 2 bridesmaids. But, I've been in bridal parties where there were as many as 10 bridesmaids (there might have been 9?) plus the flowergirl. I was also in a wedding with 7 attendants, which seems like a lot, too. But, most of the weddings I've been to or been in seem to have at least 5 or 6 bridesmaids.

 

[MrsPete]

I wish people would focus this much energy into their marriages instead of the wedding itself. (this isn't meant to you in your situation, just in general).

Isn't that the truth!

 

[MrsPete]

The bride does receive the Wedgewood china, Waterford crystal, sterling service pieces, etc., but she gets them for her bridal shower gifts.

That's why cash is given to the couple for their wedding gift.

See, we don't give TWO gifts as a rule. A person who's invited to a shower and gives a nice gift there isn't expected to give a wedding gift as well. Someone who's invited to multiple showers (mothers, sisters of the bride perhaps) usually give a nice gift at the "family shower" and a small token gift at the secondary showerse (work shower, church shower); no one would be crass enough to point out that "so and so's own mom gave her only a blender" -- it's assumed that close family has given something nicer at other showers. Except for family, ONE GIFT is given to celebrate the marriage.

 

[MrsPete]

But, most of the weddings I've been to or been in seem to have at least 5 or 6 bridesmaids.

4-6 seems to be the average here. General observation: It seems that young brides tend to have lots of bridesmaids. I've seen as many as 12 -- that was a little much.

 

[MrsPete]

One of our traditions is we take the bows from the shower presents... make a rehearsal bouquet for the wedding rehearsal. We also do the breaking of the bows. The brides tries so hard to not break more than 2 or 3. On the rehearsal night, the Maid of Honor brings the bow bouquet to the wedding rehearsal. The bride has to many other things to think about. Let me back up... after the shower, we have to count the broke bows, take pictures with the bouquet, we tape or staple the bows to a paper plate.

I am really loving hearing what everyone does. I did not have any idea we were all so different.

Yep -- same here. The number of broken strings/bows = the number of children the bride will have!

 

[NotUrsula]

... 20-30 years ago a typical Southern wedding would've been held in the early afternoon, and it would've been followed by a reception in the church fellowship hall. Alcohol would never have been served. A more wealthy family would've included more "munchies", but it still would've been served on small plates. Full meals were unheard of except among the very wealthy.

... or us misbegotten Catholics!

MrsPete's description is spot-on for the Baptists and other very conservative Protestant denominations. However, even in the South, Catholic weddings have traditionally included enough food to be considered a filling meal, though it's true that it was very seldom plated and served at round tables with assigned seating. Plenty of liquor, too. Those receptions were usually held at the bride's family home if there was room, or at the KofC hall if there wasn't. (My sister's MIL, raised Baptist, used to tell a story about attending a schoolmate's Italian wedding back in the 1920's -- having never encountered wine before, she got roaring drunk and was sick as a dog.)

 

[gina2000]

I, too, agree that this has been a fascinating read.

What I've discovered is that Emily Post may have one set of rules but tradition truly trumps any set of rules set forth by society. I've read about many interesting and different customs and traditions.....I always think of the money dance. We'd be stunned if we saw it here.....but in it's right place, with people who do it with love, it's a wonderful, memorable tradition. And as much as I'd never do it, I'd be happy to contribute to the tradition if I were at a wedding in which it was a revered custom. Customs and traditions are what keep a culture alive. We've all brought them from our native lands, elaborated and refined them, but overall, we've kept those that are near and dear to us. They celebrate life and happiness.

 

[kimberh]

The Money dance! I went to one wedding with the money dance. It was up north, we had never seen one, but we had a family member move to Pennsylvania, so we had a niece get married there. She had a little pouch on her arm, the money was placed in her pouch, then a slow dance with the bride. The men lined up to dance. It really was a nice touch. Now, here in Charleston... it would not happen. My SIL was walking to all the Southern family, explaining to them what was going on. My DH, jumped right in line!

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I just have to ask... what is your limit for a friend's son or daughter's wedding? Not a close friend, Or are you just invited to close friends and families weddings? In the South, I have been invited to weddings of people that I hardly know. I may know the parents, from church... I am usually not invited to the shower, but to the wedding in this circumstance. Do you have this happen, or are you only invited, if there is a very close relationship? I see nothing Tacky with tradition... tradition is just that, tradition, regardless of what part of the nation it starts in. It is true, in the South that we would never ask what a reception cost, the Brides dress, etc. It all just flows with the day, for the effect. Some parents are able to go all out and have lavish weddings, some are not. Some Brides, in Charleston are able to rent Historic Plantations for the wedding and reception... these are my favorites, I am sure very expensive. There is always a gift table with a basket for cards which will have checks.
I am also wondering what Tradition is in the West or Northwest. If it has been posted, I missed it.

We have a very large extended family and many friends. I don't attend all the weddings we are invited to. Especially since I am starting to get invites to my first cousins' kids' kid's weddings (What are they? First cousins, twice removed?)

I don't give the same amount to all my friend's kids. This happened to be one of our closest friend's daughter who got married.

Many times I've declined an invite and sent a check because it was cheaper than going to the wedding. It all depends on who the person is that is getting married and how close we are to them. There isn't a set amount that we give automatically to everyone that's getting married.

Believe me when I say that I totally agree about weddings here being over the top. But what are you supposed to do when you're obligated to go to these affairs? Like I said in a previous post, you should see some of the bridal showers I've been to. Some of them can rival a wedding. So you're forced to buy a more expensive gift than you want to, because you don't want to appear cheap and you don't want people talking about you forever. They keep a *List* that's passed down, from generation to generation (Italians will understand this joke).

 

[moosemom]

So you're forced to buy a more expensive gift than you want to, because you don't want to appear cheap and you don't want people talking about you forever. They keep a *List* that's passed down, from generation to generation (Italians will understand this joke).

What about the funerals where they 'open the book?'


Things are different in different areas of the country as we've all seen in this very long thread

Here in the land of the book LOL a significant cash gift is the 'norm'
The cover your plate thing is not an expectation on the part of the bride and groom, or their parents [I was a bride and I know this - though of course some may feel differently] but a 'rule of thumb' to help people guage what to give - I'm happy to have a starting place of that sort - we still give what we feel is right and can afford but I've often called friends to help me decide what's 'appropriate' just as I might call them to decide what dress to wear.

I remember the first time I took my italian long island husband to a southern wedding [I went to UVA - most of my friends were from the southeast]

He was FLOORED

He came from the land of 'the book' and 'the meat dance' etc

There was barely any food

But there were FOUR bars



'nuff said - we had a very good time LOL!

As I recall I bought a quilt from the registry - went in with another couple - cause that's what we could afford - I don't do it much differentlly now - whatever we can afford works

 

[Ciao Mickey]

My Southern shower experience has been different from NotUrsula's. I've been to very elaborate ones where so much china, crystal and silver was given that you would have thought you were at a department store. Others were the "token" showers where very small and inexpensive gifts were the norm and the shower was really an excuse to get together. And I've been to everything in between.

Up North, do you have the tradition of cutting the bows? Meaning, how every many bows you tear/cut to open your gifts, that equals the number of children you're supposed to have? We open our shower gifts VERY carefully down here, and do all we can to leave them intact.

And what will the bride do with all of this china and crystal? What if you have over 200 people at the wedding and they all give china and crystal? Is the bride allowed to return some of it? Or is that frowned upon?

When I watched the movie Steel Magnolia's I saw that a Southern custom is to have a groom's cake. What is that all about? Why do you have a separate cake for the groom?

I've never heard about the bow cutting thing.

 

[madge]

And what will the bride do with all of this china and crystal? What if you have over 200 people at the wedding and they all give china and crystal? Is the bride allowed to return some of it? Or is that frowned upon?

I didn't have a china/crystal registry (my grandmother passed away before I was born, I have some of her china), so I can't really speak to that personally. We got a variety of things from our registry, as have all the other weddings I've been a part of.

When I watched the movie Steel Magnolia's I saw that a Southern custom is to have a groom's cake. What is that all about? Why do you have a separate cake for the groom?

I think, back in the day, single girls put a piece of the groom's cake under their pillow to try and have sweet dreams of a future husband? Now, it's a cake the groom likes, or is decorated for the groom's hobby or favorite cake flavor.