What do you say?

[kasar]

There's a lady in town that has cancer and it doesn't look good for her. I only know her casually through the kids activities and school, we know each other but not well. I bump into her from time to time and I'm never sure if I should say anything (and what would that be? "Sorry" doesn't seem appropriate, neither does "what's new"?) We sat behind them at church on Easter and I just wished them a happy Easter but I really wanted to ask her how she was doing or see if she needed any help. I'm never sure how to handle these kinds of situations.

It just about broke my heart to see her with her 3 young children. When she fixed her little girl's bow, I nearly lost it. I know that she has great family support and she lives in a really close neighborhood which has been setting up meal deliveries. Her DH has stepped up to the plate as well. They're such a nice family and this is going to get tough for them.

 

[mickeyboat]

I can't offer any advice but I would also like to know what to say. I have a friend just diagnosed with MS. We see each other a couple of times a month because she works at my bank but we had been more friendly in the past. She sent a letter asking for donations for the MS walk and we sent one with a short note. But I just don't know what to say to her in person.

Denae

 

[CEDmom]

How about handing her a card with my name and number and telling her if her children need to be picked up/dropped off for an activity etc that you'd be happy to help. By doing this it tells the person you care without prying.

 

[debster812]

It's so very hard.

I lost my dearest friend almost 7 years ago, and she left behind a 4 YO and a wonderful DH. Even with her being so close, it was hard to know what to say?

I always started with "Is there anything I can do for you TODAY" to help. And then followed up with "How are you feeling?"

Even just letting her know you are thinking of her.

 

[mbb]

"I think of you often, and just wanted to let you know that I send those good thoughts to you...anything I can do to help, please let me know.."

As long as that's what you really feel, and are willing to help with something....

I would feel glad that someone acknowledged- in a kind way- the "Elephant in the corner", ie illness, that everyone around me tries so hard to avoid...

just a thought...hope this helps

 

[Octoberbeauty]

I agree with CEDmom. I would offer to run errands, baby sit, pick up kids if needed, etc. Just let her know that you are there to help out if needed. That would probably mean a lot to her.
Hugs, I'ts a tough situation.
Sherry

 

[missypie]

I am another one with the same question. I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through or is going through a similar situation. It's even hard to find cards to send...how can you send a "I hope you're on your feet soon!!!!" card when it's most likely terminal? Seems like it's the most awkward when you're just acquaintances...you don't know what to say, but you've never really been close enough to watch her kids, etc.

Along similar lines, what to say to the co-worker with a terminally ill spouse? Do you ask open ended questions like "How's it going?" and let them decide whether they want to give a report on their spouse's deteriorating condition?

 

[snoopy]

"I think of you often, and just wanted to let you know that I send those good thoughts to you...anything I can do to help, please let me know.."

As long as that's what you really feel, and are willing to help with something....

I would feel glad that someone acknowledged- in a kind way- the "Elephant in the corner", ie illness, that everyone around me tries so hard to avoid...

I agree with this. If you can help her in any way, or just be there to lend an ear, I'm sure she will appreciate you coming forth and letting her know.

 

[Tinkim]

OK. This is not exactly the same situation but my best friend's husband has lung cancer. He was diagnosed four years ago. He has had one lung and a third of the other removed. He has had radiation, chemotherapy, the whole nine yards. Eighteen months ago the doctor gave him 12 months to live. He is still here but he is getting worse every day. He has now had the cancer metastasize to his neck and I believe it is only a matter of time. He now weighs 137 pounds. This is a very difficult situation to be in for them and I know a lot of people don't know what to say or do. In my case it is probably easier because we are close friends. Yesterday, I drove him to his radiation appointment 45 minutes away. He is very weak and just cannot drive himself there anymore. On Easter Sunday, I went to visit him in the hospital as he was admitted for dehydration. Today my house smells wonderful because there is a turkey in the oven only it isn't for my family. I am bringing it over to their house later along with a few things I picked up at the grocery store that I knew they needed. I picked up extra Easter stuff for their girls because I know money has been really tight. I pick up their daughter for school every day so they don't have to worry about it and basically just ask all the time "Is there anything I can do to help?" I think the trick with this is you really have to mean it if you ask. So often people ask because it sounds appropriate but they really don't intend to follow through (I am not saying any of you feel this way - only referring to personal experience in this situation). So. . . I guess my advice is just ask if there is anything you can do to help and mean what you say. Picking up someone's kids for them or making dinner or running to the store for a few things may not seem like much but it really is a big help to someone going through such a difficult time. I think it is great that all of you are so willing to help because illness often makes people run in the other direction especially when it is terminal. When my dad died people he knew forever didn't even show up at his funeral and NONE of their friends came to visit my mom after he died because it was "too hard" for them to be at the house. So even just helping with the small things will be appreciated more than you can imagine. Sorry this is so long but I just wanted to add my thoughts since this is somthing I am doing right now. I think it's great that you asked if you could help and there are lots of little ways to show you care.