what do you do w/a child who just doesn't care about consequences?

[BWVDenise]

My dd is 5 1/2 and nothing I say to her seems to mean a darned thing. Taking things away has been ineffective. Yelling doesn't do a thing. She doesn't give a hoot about consequences (unless it involves food). She seems to be having a hard time adjusting to kindergarten. She is putting toys in her mouth again and today she stuck her whole hand in there. She has been defiant and ornery since school started. And today she actually wet her pants at school! I was shocked since she never even did that in preschool She says she likes her teacher but otherwise doesn't say much about school. It is only 2 1/2 hours, so it isn't a fatigue issue.
Please, please tell me what to do!

 

[EROS]

Denise, have you thought of having her evaluated either through a referral from your pediatrician or via an I.E.P. at school??????
Best of luck,

 

[browneyes]

Food?

I'd suggest the same thing EROS suggested. Also, talk to her teacher. Her teacher probably has dealt with this, or can help you deal with this.

Good luck. {{hugs}}

 

[shortbun]

Sounds like she's making her own
"consequences" and is not liking herself
very well. Also seems like she's VERY
uncomfortable at school. Be patient and
try to help her fit in and have successes
instead of shaming and pointing out her
failures. Ask the teacher. Send her extra
clothes. Talk to your pediatrician.
Let her know you are there to help.
Be loving and open to safe talk
with her about what's going on. There's
a book called "How to Talk so Kids will Listen".
You might try that too.

 

[poohandwendy]

It takes trial and error to find what consequences work, then as they get older you have to keep learning new ways to discipline. Challenging isn't it? I am unclear about what the particular things she needs consequences for? If you notice this activity always happens immediately following school, you may want to try what worked for me. As soon as school is over, quiet time in her bedroom, every day that she comes home 'keyed up' this way. Not punishment, but adjustment to surroundings. It seemed to me that my eldest daughter needed time to switch from school mode to home mode. After a few minutes (usually around 15)alone, she was happier. The way I got her to do this was tell her that "She seemed unhappy and maybe she needed some time just for her to feel better". I would say that I would check on her in a few minutes to see if she was feeling better or needed to talk. But I was insistent that she do this. It really worked well. To this day, she still does this (she's in 10th grade now). If I rush into her room, she will say "Mom, I need my alone time, remember?' Now it is more a inside joke between us, but I think it really does help her come down off the 'school high'. I may be way off with this, but if it is directly after school, give it a try...it may work.

good luck,
wendy

 

[wovenwonder]

My son is 13 - but consequences NEVER worked for him. Instead, we rewarded positive behavior. When he was KG age we had a friend day every friday. No problems all week and he was able to have the friend of his choice over after school on friday. We've also used video rental coupons, trips to chuck e cheese, etc as rewards. Good luck!

 

[December99]

It is extremely important to reward good behavior - that does tend to help with the "bad" behavior. Especially if there has been some change at home or in their life - they do bad things to get the attention and rewarding good behavior sometimes does help them to get out of the "bad" stage.

And I totally agree with Eros - you should consult with your physician or have a conference with the teacher and perhaps principal to see if they offer any type of evaluation that can be done.

 

[mickey65]

I would also suggest requesting a meeting with the school program develop team. Perhaps they can start tracking the incidents to determine if there is a specific time of day, anticedents, ect. Once some sort of evaluation has been done it might be easier to develop some sort or system for reward/consequences.

 

[janette]

Another vote for a full evaluation. I have a 8yo DD that has always been difficult. We had some major problems in pre-school. Opted for private school and and we were able to determine that she has a reading disability. That combined with her personality made her react to the frustration and showed up in her behavior. The good part is that it helped us identify the problems pretty early. A quieter and more even tempered child might have just sat quietly when they were having problems.

Some things that might help while you wait are checking the library for a few books. I'd recommend The Difficult Child
by Stanley Turecki, M.D. with Leslie Tonner

Here is a web sites that looked like it might help
http://www.spiritedkids.com/

There are consequences that matter, it was hard to find some that worked for my DD but it has gotten easier as she's gotten older.

I'll try to find some information for you on the choice method, basically you give them options. Example you can say "If you choose to do x than you choose to not watch cartoons today, if you choose not to do x than you choose to miss cartoons today".

It helps to reinforce the idea that they are responsible for the consequence and for us anyway works better with strong willed children.