What do you consider bullying?

[TIGGERSMOM]

I a couple threads I have read a theme about kids at school. And am wondering what you consider bullying?

I consider it not only physical but verbal intimidation. This includes spoken as well as written words(graffiti, notes etc) about another student.

Am I wrong?

What do you do if this situation hits your home, from either direction? Would you recognize your child as the bully or put it down to kids will be kids?

What is your line in the sand with your kid?

 

[CEDmom]

I consider bullying to be prolonged attacks (daily over a period of time) of a child by another. These attacks can be physical or verbal. The verbal is so much more difficult to recognize and stop than the physical but in IMO it's much more damaging.

I don't consider an occasional minor scuffle (pushing, pinching etc) or verbal attack (name calling etc) bullying, this is what I'd say is kids being kids. I don't think any child is above getting involved in this type alternation, my own included.

However, if I see or hear of my DD doing this I stop it immediately and there are consequences. DH and I do not and will not tolerate her being cruel to anyone. I think if you start them young (she's 4) talking about other peoples feeling it makes it easier for them to have empathy as they get older.

 

[cascadecupcake]

I also wanted to mention that I don't think parents are usually aware that their kids are bullying others. (at least I CHOOSE to believe that ) Anyway, it did become a bit of a problem at our elementary school so I decided to make kind of a "parental watch" with some of the other parents. Just a couple of other parents that I knew raised their kids similar to the way we raise ours. It really doesn't take many. But the particular parents that I've spoken to have kids in the same classes as my kids and we make a point to ask every day how school went and ask some gentle probing questions about what happened at lunch, on the playground, etc. That way we are aware of who seems to be the repeat offenders. Then, we compare notes. And, we've made a promise that we can be completely open with one another in the event that we hear something about "one of our own". It has helped!

As far as our line in the sand? We try to teach our kids to live by the golden rule. We tolerate no cruelty. My kids aren't physically violent. They learned that from day one--kicking, hitting, etc. is not allowed and we have never had a problem with it. (oh my kids aren't perfect, but other than maybe two or three isolated incidents when they were much younger it just doesn't happen here thank goodness!) And we address verbal bullying as well. We've even had talks with our kids about sarcasm and how not everyone understands the difference. And the biggie at our school--inclusion. My kids are ABSOLUTELY NOT allowed to play in any game or activity in any environment that excludes any one for any reason. That seems to be such a problem, especially with the girls in our area.

I think this issue is so important in today's day and age. It seems to be almost an epidemic. And it just so very important to pay attention to all things that go on in the schools. We found out the hard way how BIG of a problem it can become in such a small amount of time.

 

[disneyjunkie]

In the past when my son has had problems with a bully I told him to fight back. Once the kids realized he'd hit them back they left him alone. We only had a problem with this when he was in the 1st and 2nd grade. One year he was a target because I worked at the school. The next year he was the target because he was the "new kid on the block" in a small private school.


I believe a bully looks for kids that are afraid to fight back. Once they know that you will stand up to them they move on.

 

[BedKnobbery2]

Since my thread is one of the ones I suspect inspired this one, I figured I'd reply.

We've worked on bullying a lot with my boys; particularly since my older boy was quite a big larger than other kids his age when he was younger (it has since evened out as he's gotten older). He knew in no uncertain terms he was not to use his size to intimidate other kids into getting his way. It became more complicated when smaller kids started targeting him because they learned he wouldn't fight back; he came home one day with a black eye and a bruise over his kidney from a neighborhood kid who beat him up because my son wouldn't let him take his (my son's) bike. Dad had a long talk with him about the difference between defending yourself and intimidating others. So I guess I go along with disneyjunkie in that regard; if a kid is being attacked, he can fight back. It does no one any good to teach our children to be victims.

Regarding verbal intimidation, I agree it can be just as damaging, if not moreso--particularly with girls, their cruelty is truly unbelievable at times. (For that, I'm grateful I have boys.) In our case, another child verbally attacked my son with an abusive note. He defended himself by writing that the words the kid wrote down described himself. I don't think he was being a bully in turning that kid's words around on himself, although we did have a talk about not getting drawn into these kinds of exchanges (ignore the note, avoid that kid).

So, I guess I draw the line with my kids on being the attacker. It's totally unacceptable in our family. Defending yourself, within reason (for example, I wouldn't condone my bigger and older son pummeling a kid who attacked him beyond just getting the attack to stop), is okay, although I largely prefer they avoid situations where that would happen in the first place. (Hence the avoiding kids you don't get along with advice.)

 

[DisneyJules]

I was bullied all throughout elementary and junior high, though a finger was never placed on me. Girls especially tend to be verbally abusive at school. It was awful. I tend to think that boys are more physical. Though I'm sure there are definitely acceptions to both sides.

 

[JDY]

Bullying usually consists of verbal attacks or physical intimidation. Students who are bullied usually don't fight back and usually do not inform anyone that they are being bullied.

Studies also indicate that bullies are most likely to be the popular kids: The kid who all the teachers like and who has lots of friends, the football star, etc. This is one reason why victims don't inform - they are afraid they will not be believed.

 

[goofy4tink]

IMHO...the verbal/psychological bullying is far worse. Why? Because it isn't always easy to see. What do I consider to be verbal bullying? For instance...."You can't play with us. You don't have the right kind of coat." "Go away. I don't play with Christians." "Only stupid people don't get math!" "Wow, what made you think that outfit looks good?!" Now, alone these don't add up to much. But, when these types of things are said over and over, on a daily basis, by the same girls?? Yes, that's bullying. What's really unbelieveble?? When the teacher talks to the offending girls parents and they say..."Not my daughter. She is just too sensitive to do something like that. Must be another girl and you are confused." Yes, this is a huge sore spot with me. I have a 10 y/o dd who has red-hair, glasses, is 5' tall and is about 82 pds. So, she stands out as different for a lot of reasons. We make sure that she realizes just how much words hurt. And that no matter what, she is to never use such words. The teacher has told me that my dd is so nice that she (dd) is always taken aback when someone isn't nice back to her!!! Now, my dd feels that she has no friends since she is afraid to make the first overture. Oh yes. Bullying by girls is a very big deal. Sorry for the rant. It's just such a big issue at my house. Oh. All of those above things were actually said to my dd. Her coat? From LLBean. Just like the majority of girls in her class!!

 

[JDY]

goofy4tink is right:

..."Not my daughter. She is just too sensitive to do something like that. Must be another girl and you are confused."

Parents never want to believe that their child is a bully. It's always the one you don't expect. Parents tend to stereotype bullies as the "Scott Farcus type from A Christmas Story " but that's rarely who it is. The smart kids, the popular kids, the rich kids, these groups are far more likely to contain the bullies in the school. I see it everyday and it's something that really bothers me.