What do do when a child does not want to visit their other parent?

[kellyg403]

OP...I know how difficult it is. The only thing that I can say is that it is something you know in your relationship with dad, but it took awhile for you to stand up for yourself. Your ds has to learn to do this or your ex dh, his dad, will continue to do this to him until he does. My ex does stupid things too. I used to get so mad and get involved. I was hurting for the kids because I didn't think dad had any sense when it came to them.

My dd turns 18 soon. In the last year I have seen her start to stand up to her dad when he does things that bother her. She never used to do that because she was afraid of the confrontation. She saw him rarely, he is military but that is only part of the reason. Lots of times he would post pictures on some social media of a vacation when he cancelled visitation with the kids citing some other reason. I just recently heard her tell her brother that she will be glad when she can tell her dad that he isn't a priority cuz he never made her one but can't yet because she knows I will be upset with her if she is rude! So, in a way, eventually she is seeing who her dad REALLY is and finding out who she REALLY is and what she is willing to accept in her life. That is part of growing up, figuring out the parts that we can accept and not accept.

I am sorry that your ds is having physical issues with the stress of it all. But, in the end, remember to love him a little more. I understand what you are saying about vacations etc, but there is only the two of you. Dad has a whole new family and really your ds's input should have been sought. I think I would discuss with ds that he should continue to keep the lines open. Its a work in progress. It sounds like ds is having a hard time on many fronts with this situation. Just guide him, talk with him, support him. What dad thinks or who he thinks is the problem is not even part of the equation. IMHO the only thing that matters in these situations is making sure that my children are able to have healthy relationships knowing their personal boundaries, with whoever it is.

Kelly

 

[sbell111]

I do say no to DS, but I also take his feelings into account when I plan a vacation. It's a FAMILY vacation, so want us both to enjoy it. When I do say no, I also don't change my mind and tell him he doesn't have to do something and then call back later and say never mind you have to do it whether you like it or not. That is that part that really has me upset. DS was so upset when he got off the phone. He stayed in the bathroom with diarrhea for 30 minutes. Still, he said he was glad his dad respected how he felt. Now, he feels like his dad doesn't care how he feels. These are DS's words, not mine. I have told him they will go fishing and mini-golf, and I'm sure he'll have fun once he gets there, but he is not buying it.

I am sorry if I sound a little passive aggressive. It would take a book to describe the crap that this man has put me through since we started dating 17 years ago. He was/is mentally abusive. He goes from woman to woman until they are mentally and financially broken and he has taken his son along for the ride. I have done really good to keep my thoughts from DS for years, but now he is seeing it for himself with this current relationship. Forgive me for thinking that my ex will punish DS for voicing his thoughts by making him feel guilty the whole weekend. I have dealt with him for 17 years and I know how he works.

Marsha

Honestly, it sound like you are the one who is making it about you. This situation is not about your marriage. It is about a man and his son.

Your exhusband is allowed visitation. He has planned a weekend and your son doesn't want to go. You apparently have, whether you realize it or not, stoked these feelings. If you had you simply told him from the beginning that he needs to go spend some time with his dad and that he'll end up having alot of fun, it likely would have ended right there. Instead, you allowed yourself to be put in the middle of the situation between a son and a father. I have no doubt that this is why his father thinks that you are behind it all.

 

[torinsmom]

OP...I know how difficult it is. The only thing that I can say is that it is something you know in your relationship with dad, but it took awhile for you to stand up for yourself. Your ds has to learn to do this or your ex dh, his dad, will continue to do this to him until he does. My ex does stupid things too. I used to get so mad and get involved. I was hurting for the kids because I didn't think dad had any sense when it came to them.

My dd turns 18 soon. In the last year I have seen her start to stand up to her dad when he does things that bother her. She never used to do that because she was afraid of the confrontation. She saw him rarely, he is military but that is only part of the reason. Lots of times he would post pictures on some social media of a vacation when he cancelled visitation with the kids citing some other reason. I just recently heard her tell her brother that she will be glad when she can tell her dad that he isn't a priority cuz he never made her one but can't yet because she knows I will be upset with her if she is rude! So, in a way, eventually she is seeing who her dad REALLY is and finding out who she REALLY is and what she is willing to accept in her life. That is part of growing up, figuring out the parts that we can accept and not accept.

I am sorry that your ds is having physical issues with the stress of it all. But, in the end, remember to love him a little more. I understand what you are saying about vacations etc, but there is only the two of you. Dad has a whole new family and really your ds's input should have been sought. I think I would discuss with ds that he should continue to keep the lines open. Its a work in progress. It sounds like ds is having a hard time on many fronts with this situation. Just guide him, talk with him, support him. What dad thinks or who he thinks is the problem is not even part of the equation. IMHO the only thing that matters in these situations is making sure that my children are able to have healthy relationships knowing their personal boundaries, with whoever it is.

Kelly

Thanks for understanding. This is exactly what is happening with DS at this point. I have never bad mouthed his dad to him, and I have encouraged their relationship, even in the face of dad calling and cancelling hours before he was supposed to pick DS up at least 6 times this year alone. I am glad he is speaking his mind, because he has always been nervous about talking to his dad about anything they don't agree on.

Honestly, it sound like you are the one who is making it about you. This situation is not about your marriage. It is about a man and his son.

Your exhusband is allowed visitation. He has planned a weekend and your son doesn't want to go. You apparently have, whether you realize it or not, stoked these feelings. If you had you simply told him from the beginning that he needs to go spend some time with his dad and that he'll end up having alot of fun, it likely would have ended right there. Instead, you allowed yourself to be put in the middle of the situation between a son and a father. I have no doubt that this is why his father thinks that you are behind it all.

I DID do this. The trip came up two months ago. DS told me he didn't want to go and I told him of course you will go and you will have fun. He brought it up several other times and I told him the same thing. It was only when his dad called me with the details that DS started getting really upset about it. I messaged his dad and told him to call DS and talk to him about it. When DS didn't answer, what was I supposed to do, say never mind? Ex would not have accepted that anyway. I am still telling DS now how his dad is going to take him fishing and how they have that great aquarium, he can take his Xbox and Ipod touch and all that. Yes, I am venting on here, but I don't vent to DS. I am fully aware that speaking out against the other parents is not good for a child, because they are part of that person as well.

Just because DS has feelings of not wanting to go to the beach with his dad does not mean I have stoked them. Did your parents create every feeling you had as a teenager? I may be old, but I can remember that I often did the OPPOSITE of what I thought was what my parents wanted. I would greatly enjoy a weekend where I could be home without loud music and pleas to go to the mall, etc. These are DS's feelings and whether his dad makes him go or not, I think it is great that he is now able to be honest with his dad. I did not have that with my dad and he lived with me.

My ex even admitted last night that he was just mad when he said I got my way. He acknowledged that I have never kept DS from him and have never caused him any trouble. His other ex-wife will not let him see their daughter because he won't sign a visitation agreement and he said he was just blowing off steam to DS. I have done nothing but encourage his relationship with his dad. What I did not want to happen is for DS to go with his dad and his dad not know that he wasn't happy about it. I thought talking about it would be the best, no matter what the eventual outcome.

We can agree to disagree, but I am in the situation and I know what has gone on at my end.

Marsha

 

[jillyb]

I hope things work out and your DS will become more confident in talking to his Dad.

 

[torinsmom]

The ex called DS a few hours ago and told him his reasons were "stupid" and "lame" and that he is being ungrateful to not want to spend time with his dad. Laid a real guilt trip on him for 10 minutes or so I could hear him over the phone from the other side of the room. DS just listened to him, and didn't say much. I don't really know what the purpose of the call was, since he has already told DS he is going no matter what. And, of course he called during homework, so DS had a hard time getting back on task. I will be glad when the drama is over. Wish we could just skip to Monday now.

Marsha

 

[jmpurdy]

You know I think when an ex is being a bully, all bets are off. When the ex is lashing out at your son and making him physically sick, you have every right to step in. This sounds like the first time your son has stood up to him and it is extremely difficult. The ex is blaming you. That's fine, you can take it. Your son knows it isn't you and he feels bad and may go just to take the heat off of you. Urge him to stand his ground if he really doesn't want to go and support his decision. You both know it is his decision and not yours. If the ex continues to bully him, record it in case it goes anywhere in court, which he is not inclined to do as you say, but just in case. The ex is acting out because he isn't getting his way. He'll try guilt, anger, etc. until he gets what he wants. It is clear you are NOT making this about you. The concern you have for your son is so apparent and your gut instincts are serving you well. Don't let the ex bully him. Encouraging him to speak up to his father was a really important first step. It will get easier for him to do it again.

 

[torinsmom]

DS is pretty resigned to going now. I am going to talk to my ex and just let him know that the guilt trip is really going too far. It isn't necessary or helpful. If he continues that, he will push DS further away, BTDT.

Marsha

 

[Blondiex46]

my two cents.....being on both sides of this I will say that it is very difficult as a parent hearing your child say that they don't want to go spend time with the other parent. You question within yourself "why, is there something that I should be or should have paid attention to, is it simply that they want to be with there friends or is it something more serious" you never know....does it have to do with a legal document, sometimes, I think it depends on the relationship with the child and the non custodial parent during the times they don't want them to go with them. How does the "parent" treat them during holidays, inlcude them in things, call them, if possible spend time with them alone without the new gf/wife/other kids because most of the time they were there before any new wife/gf and other kids. When relationships have broken up most of the time the kids are the ones who suffer the most, so to answer the question if it is one, I would not force any child especially one of 15 who is going through their own things with adolesence, feeling uncomfortable about themselves and trying to figure things out to make them go spend time with people they may or may not know. Is it that simple, of course not, I just think there are alot of things you need to look at before a decision is made. Like I always say "do you really want your child to have you on Oprah when they get 25" You probably know your child better than anybody, what is your gut feeling?

 

[LuvOrlando]

I usually think an intermediary is the way to go any time there is a dispute over stuff like this with a child and an ex. Is there a guidance counselor at school, a social worker or a therapist available? It's not so much that this issue is a big deal by itself, but the fact your DS feels so strongly and that your EX is making it about you seems like a pretty big deal to me. Personally, I wouldn't get in between this and would ask another person to step in as his advocate instead, maybe not to interfere but just to keep tabs on where this is heading. IMO, your ex has zero respect for your son because if he did he would hear your DS and not immediately drag the issue into a familiar you- vs- him place where he feels justified in being a bully. Your ex went to a place where he feels he has leverage and it's not ok. That's the part that is off to me, not the whole "I said so bit" but the way your EX made it about you & him. Your DS is 15 and beginning to assert himself, which is normal and healthy but your ex's reaction to his independence is not exactly normal or healthy. If your ex reacts this way to dopey stuff like this that no kid ever wants to do how is going to handle it when the big ticket defiance that is a necessary part of development sets in? I smell smoke.

good luck

 

[torinsmom]

DS is feeling better about things now. He wanted to know if there was internet at the condo, but I guess you have to pay a $200 deposit for that($100 you get back). I would have offered to pay, but I am used to $15/day. DS will just do without that. He is bringing his Xbox and his guitar, as well as his Ipod Touch, so he will have plenty to keep him busy when there are things he isn't interested in doing.

I hope the ex will not make him feel guilty. I explained to him that this is part of becoming a teenager and he should be proud that DS felt comfortable enough to speak up to him. I told DS I am proud of him for being open with his dad, and that his dad probably reacted that way because he wasn't sure what to do. I am also proud that he has stopped pouting and accepted that he will be going with his dad.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Marsha

 

[LuvOrlando]

Happy to hear your DS was able to resolve this on his own. Hopefully he will end up having a great weekend after all You too Torinsmom

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am glad to hear that your DS is finally starting to open up to his dad. Frankly it is something that was the next step.

The ex can only making your ds feel guilty if your ds lets him.

He will survive the weekend.

 

[bunny]

I am glad that your son decided to go. I am sure it means a lot to his dad and hopefully the two can carve out a few minutes to do something alone even if it is just talking or taking a walk on the beach. I hope your son has an awesome time but either why 3 days will go by quickly.

 

[livie1205]

I just went through something like this, and I just left court with full custody with only supervised visits with his dr. The judge could not overlook the fear that my son was showing and says that a dr needs to get to the bottom of it before my son has anymore overnights or alone time with his dad.My ds is 12.This had nothing to do with any other women or step parent(there is none).

 

[jillyb]

Just curious how the weekend went.

 

[Rainwater]

DS is 15, and he is supposed to see his dad every other weekend. More often than not, it is about once a month that he goes(his dad cancels usually) for one night. His dad wants to take him to the beach with his gf's family for Memorial Day weekend Fri-Mon. DS does not want to go at all. He refuses to wear shorts or go in the water these days and he does not want to spend 3 days with the gf's kids who he has nothing in common with (I think the girl is 17 and the boy is 16) He does not want to hurt his dad's feelings, but I told him he either has to be truthful or go. For some reason, he has no problem hurting mom's feelings, but dad is a different story.

Anybody been through anything similar? What did you or would you do?

Are visitations based on a court order? If so, unless your willing to go back to court, you have no say in this. He'll have to wait until he is 18 to make this decision.

 

[torinsmom]

Just curious how the weekend went.

I could have sworn I posted about the weekend. He came back safe and sound. Said it was okay, not great, not terrible.

Are visitations based on a court order? If so, unless your willing to go back to court, you have no say in this. He'll have to wait until he is 18 to make this decision.

We have a visitation/custody agreement that we did ourselves and had notarized. The court did not order it. I am not going to try and keep DS from going with him; he has to talk to his dad himself when he doesn't want to go.

Marsha