What could I have done differently?

[minkydog]

Well, I think I have things figured out. NONE of the girls brought PJ's. The invitation was CRYSTAL clear. I know who the culprit is, and she invites herself over ALL THE TIME.
I think she just told DD she was spending the night, DD didn't know what to say, and a couple others joined in. They called their parents and asked permission.

Most of the girls were picked up when they were supposed to. Three of them decided they were staying. I promise you DD did NOT invite them. She came to me later, almost in tears saying "I don't want them to stay, I'm sooooo tired!" They had volleyball yesterday at 7:00a.m.

So, three of them stayed, were loud and obnoxious, made a HUGE mess in the backyard, living room, kitchen, and I haven't been to the basement yet. I'm ticked off, and DD is going to hear about it when they leave. Oh yeah, it's 10:00 a.m. and they're STILL here!!!

We have major plans today, and that's why I wasn't on board with the sleepover anyway. Usually I don't care about sleepovers. maybe that's why the parents agreed so readily.

Only one girl asked me this a.m. what time to be picked up. I told her by 10:00 as we have plans. The other two heard this. As of now, I don't think either have called their parents. As soon as I'm done here, I'm going to tell them to call, or I'm giving them a ride home.

Sorry, April, but this is a problem of your own making. By not saying no you have given silent approval for the sleepover and all the loud, obnoxious mess that became part and parcel of this event. I can't believe you allowed it to get this far.

First of all, if there was no sleepover planned, then that should have been the end of that discussion. Then, assuming that you decided to be the nice guy and allowed the girls to stay anyway, why on earth would you allow them to behave so disrespectfully, messing up your house and disrupting your sleep? Why is it so hard to determine a reasonable pick-up time for this thrown together sleep-over? I guess I'd have to ask myself "Why am I allowing other people to take charge IN MY HOME?"

There is no way NO WAY, I would have allowed this party to go the way this one did. I have NO PROBLEM with disciplining other peoples kids in my own home. I have and I will continue to enforce my rules. I have called more than one parent for a middle of the night pickup. The few times that my kids have overstepped my bounds and made messes, they AND the friends were required to get up early and clean thoroughly to my standards. One girl called her mom, told her I was being mean. Hah! She doesn't know the meaning of mean! I talked to the mom, told her what the girls had done and what I expected them to do to fix it and the mom actually applauded!

Sorry it turned out this way, April. I hope you will gain some understanding about just what the heck happened here. It wasn't just the girls' fault.

 

[Disney Doll]

What the heck??
What should I have done? Please enlighten me wise members of the Dis.

Not had kids?

Of course, I jest....

 

[mjkacmom]

I just don't understand parents who just drop their kids off somewhere without speaking to another parent. My dd has a few friends that this has occurred with. I just don't get it.....my dd isn't going anywhere without me talking to the other Mom so I know exactly what the plans are. Especially not spending the night.

I drop dd13 off about 5 nights a week - the group of girls she's friends with have nightly gab sessions (or whatever they do) from 7 - 10, and maybe a sleepover. I'm friends with one parents, and know the other ones from elementary school (she's known them since kindy). We also have these get togethers here, and I've never had a parent call or ring the doorbell - they just drop off, and go. I figure I'm being nice and not making dd walk! However, there is ALWAYS an end time, and sometimes the mom will drive everyone home.

I don't ever remember my mom talking to the parent when I was a teen. Kids get together so often!

 

[AprilShowers]

I think you should have nipped the sleepover "in the bud" (as they used to say) when it was first mentioned.

You should have gone out there and told the girls that you were sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but since you have plans for the next day and need to be up early, there can not be a sleepover tonight. So, if any of you need to call your parents to arrange a pickup time, go do it now. Tell your parents to be here by xxx p.m.

Yes yes! I WISH I had taken this route. At the time the sleepover was mentioned, I really did believe that they thought they were invited for a sleepover. I didn't want to be rude and uninvite guests.

Sorry, April, but this is a problem of your own making. By not saying no you have given silent approval for the sleepover and all the loud, obnoxious mess that became part and parcel of this event. I can't believe you allowed it to get this far.

First of all, if there was no sleepover planned, then that should have been the end of that discussion. Then, assuming that you decided to be the nice guy and allowed the girls to stay anyway, why on earth would you allow them to behave so disrespectfully, messing up your house and disrupting your sleep? Why is it so hard to determine a reasonable pick-up time for this thrown together sleep-over? I guess I'd have to ask myself "Why am I allowing other people to take charge IN MY HOME?"

There is no way NO WAY, I would have allowed this party to go the way this one did. I have NO PROBLEM with disciplining other peoples kids in my own home. I have and I will continue to enforce my rules. I have called more than one parent for a middle of the night pickup. The few times that my kids have overstepped my bounds and made messes, they AND the friends were required to get up early and clean thoroughly to my standards. One girl called her mom, told her I was being mean. Hah! She doesn't know the meaning of mean! I talked to the mom, told her what the girls had done and what I expected them to do to fix it and the mom actually applauded!

Sorry it turned out this way, April. I hope you will gain some understanding about just what the heck happened here. It wasn't just the girls' fault.

While I agree with most of what you say, I do not think that at this age, I should have to discipline 14 year olds. They are old enough to have been taught manners, respect and how to behave at someone else's home. (I know my children have been taught those things)

I did, however ask then several times to quiet down, clean up their messes, etc. Finally at 1:00 a.m. I came downstairs and yelled at them to be quiet now or I'm driving everyone home! That worked.
In the morning, I DID make them clean up the yard and put away their messes.
I was just venting yesterday because I couldn't believe I had to tell 14 year olds how to act!! KWIM? Oldest DD's friends never behaved this way at our house, even when they were younger.

Thanks everyone for the great advice!!! If I'm ever confronted with the "switcheroo" again, I'll know just how to behave.

 

[minkydog]

While I agree with most of what you say, I do not think that at this age, I should have to discipline 14 year olds. They are old enough to have been taught manners, respect and how to behave at someone else's home. (I know my children have been taught those things)

I was just venting yesterday because I couldn't believe I had to tell 14 year olds how to act!! KWIM? Oldest DD's friends never behaved this way at our house, even when they were younger.

So true. But when 14 year olds act like 5 year olds I would have to lower the boom on them. The fact that you even had to step in, well, there's your sign. Just like with young kids, you don't tell them "several times", put up with it some more and some more and then yell at them. You warn them once and tell them the consequences(that there will be no second chance--you cancel the party if you have to tell them twice.) That's it. It doesn't matter that they think you're rude. They invited themselves and then acted out! There is no reason to just put up with it and simmer on the inside. You have to speak up if they are misbehaving.

sorry it went so badly. At the least I'd have a conversation with the girls next time they come over and express your disappointment in their previous behavior. I would also lay down the new rules. And do not hesitate to enforce them.

 

[Serena]

Be careful, the girls that instigated this will try again at some point. Don't be afraid of not being nice.

 

[wilderness01]

Yes yes! I WISH I had taken this route. At the time the sleepover was mentioned, I really did believe that they thought they were invited for a sleepover. I didn't want to be rude and uninvite guests.



While I agree with most of what you say, I do not think that at this age, I should have to discipline 14 year olds. They are old enough to have been taught manners, respect and how to behave at someone else's home. (I know my children have been taught those things)
I did, however ask then several times to quiet down, clean up their messes, etc. Finally at 1:00 a.m. I came downstairs and yelled at them to be quiet now or I'm driving everyone home! That worked.
In the morning, I DID make them clean up the yard and put away their messes.
I was just venting yesterday because I couldn't believe I had to tell 14 year olds how to act!! KWIM? Oldest DD's friends never behaved this way at our house, even when they were younger.

Thanks everyone for the great advice!!! If I'm ever confronted with the "switcheroo" again, I'll know just how to behave.

Sorry to disagree, but not everyone is parented correctly and if they need to be corrected I have no problem doing this at 14 years old. They pulled a fast one on you and you fell for it. Beware, they will try again.