What Can She Do?

[snowywhite89]

Sil and I both totally agree that her son messed up in a HUGE way. And if there is a baby he SHOULD pay child support. And the dil was completely wrong. Sil is in NO WAY thinking that her son was right in any of this. If it wasn't for her grandson, she would probably cut them both off for the stuff they have done.

Her worry is that the woman will have this child and NOT ask for child support or anything and then she will not know the child.

Could your SIL go to court to get custody of the 4 year old?

Even if she does not as for CS he can still go to court for visitation. In most, maybe all, states CS and visitation are treated as two different things. Both are ordered by the state.

 

[luvsJack]

And she is right. She may very well never know if there is a child out there that is related to her. But that is the chance that is taken when your own child messes around.

It is one of the things if you have a son you should make sure they think about before they do anything with a girl. If she gets pregnant and doesn't want to tell you, you may very well have a child out there you will never know. Can you live with that? if not then choose your partners carefully and use precautions religiously and correctly.

Luckily both my sons are grown and take good care of their responsiblities. Dil got pregnant and had dgd before they married but it has all worked out wonderfully. He couldn't have picked a better wife and mother of his child. And they are his whole life, everything he does he does for them. Its wonderful to see your son so in love.

The sad thing here is that sil is not guility of anything in this situation. She didn't take any chances and or mess around or do anything except now have to deal with the aftermath.

The woman in question is not completely innocent either. She knew what was going on. But, whats done is done and there is not need for either party to rehash it all.

The only thing that really matters is that there is possibly a child. An innocent child that should not have to be cut off from his/her family because he/she has an idiot for a father.

 

[luvsJack]

If your SIL "wants to be involved" then she needs to be supportive. "Scorching the earth" at this time is something that is counterproductive.

It is possible to have a totally seperate relationship away from the father of this child, if there is one. All hope is not lost.

She just has to stay out of the son/girlfriend issue and forge her own thing with this woman if a baby comes from this.

So my suggestion to you is to tell her to chill with things and see what happens. Tell her the more she pushes the more she sets herself up for failure.

Yeah, although she really wants to go and pull his ears off, I told her that it really wouldn't help at this point.

You are probably right. She just needs to back off and see what happens. Maybe he will wake up and do the right thing and if not she can meet the girl at a later date.

 

[luvsJack]

Could your SIL go to court to get custody of the 4 year old?

Even if she does not as for CS he can still go to court for visitation. In most, maybe all, states CS and visitation are treated as two different things. Both are ordered by the state.

Well, there really hasn't been any reason for taking the 4 year old. I mean his parents are not making very good choices right now, but he is a very happy, well adjusted little boy. Very well taken care of. Not neglected in anyway. All of this is kept away from him apparently.

If there is ever a divorce, that may change but as for now its not really something that needs to be done.

 

[Disney Doll]

There are several separate issues here:

An unstable wife/mother/daughter-in-law

A possible pregnancy

A husband/father/son who is not owning up to his responsibilities to his family (current wife & child) and his possible other child

Frankly, from the OP's descriptions, if I was the "possibly" pregnant woman, I'd disappear from the face of the earth to keep my "possible" child away from this group of whackjobs.

As far as what Grandma should do...not a damn thing, other than slap her son upside the head for not keeping it in his pants while he was still married. I have never understood, and never will, while people think that in the midst of marital ******* and difficulties, that the appropriate thing to do is to bring someone else into the picture.

Sorry, but sonny boy deserves whatever he gets here.....

 

[southern_redhead]

Her worry is that the woman will have this child and NOT ask for child support or anything and then she will not know the child.

To be honest, if this other woman has any sense at all and can raise a child on her own this is probably the best route. I can't see raising a stepchild that my husband had with someone else DURING OUR MARRIAGE. And, yes, if they have to have visitation she will be raising it. Frankly, the son needs a good sound slapping. If he was willing to work it out with his wife (crazy or not) then he shouldn't have been diddling someone else. Did she know he was sleeping around during the separation? If so, she kind of loses my sympathy but if not (and it were me) I would pack up his things in Hefty bags and kick him to the curb. He could have the new baby AND a new wife.

Your DH is right and he should tell your DN to "grow a pair". He should also advise him to keep said pair in his pants from now on. And your DSIL needs to put a ten foot pole between herself and this situation unless she is invited into it, otherwise she may tick everyone off and find herself unable to see any grandchild whatsoever.

 

[rie'smom]

Yikes!

Ex girlfriend should not have said she was pg if she's not. I have personally known someone who did this-sick. If there is a child who is to say it's nephew's baby? If it is, then she may not want the child to see the grandmother. Can't say I blame her as SIl does not seem to have a sympathetic caring nature.
Frankly, I don't care how son's wife has messed up. If she's ill, she's ill. Would MIL have more sympathy if DIL had diabetes or cancer? Mental illness is an illness not a choice.

Mom should stay out of her son's business.

Wife should not have called girlfriend.

Nephew needs to man up and get his head out of the sand. Why anyone would want to be with this "man"?

 

[handinpocket]

Frankly, from the OP's descriptions, if I was the "possibly" pregnant woman, I'd disappear from the face of the earth to keep my "possible" child away from this group of whackjobs.

Sums up my feelings nicely.

 

[disykat]

IMHO, if this is her grandchild, it IS her business.

I disagree. While it would certainly be a concern of hers, that doesn't make it "her business." If the dad doesn't want to acknowledge the child - and it sounds like this is a possibility - then I don't think the grandparent has any kind of paternity rights.

The only person the prospective grandparent should be dealing with about this is her son. He needs to find out if there's a baby and deal accordingly.

 

[PlutoPony]

Not sure I blame the "other woman" at all for steering clear of the baby's father and family. If she names the nephew as the father and he's involved in the baby's life, that would put his crazy wife in the picture as the stepmother and put her in the child's life in that role. That's not something that the baby's mother may be willing to do, and it sounds like she might have good reason to feel that way.

So if the baby's mother doesn't want to acknowledge the paternity of the father, your SIL is going to have to think long and hard about whether to force the issue. It may truly NOT be in the child's best interest for her dad/grandmother to be involved if that means that crazy wife would be playing stepmother (assuming they're still married).

 

[Carly_Roach]

It would probably kill me, but I would not get involved if I were her..

There are already too many "adults" in this mix.. They all need to work it out amongst themselves.. JMO..

MTE.

Frankly, from the OP's descriptions, if I was the "possibly" pregnant woman, I'd disappear from the face of the earth to keep my "possible" child away from this group of whackjobs.

As would I. This whole thing sounds like a story line from a soap opera. Who needs that?

 

[Agri]

She needs to let it go. If the possibly pregnant woman isn't half as crazy as the possible baby daddy and his wife, she's going to steer clear of this crazy farm. Possible Grandma needs to just sit back and relax as more information will come out - she just needs to give it time.

The truth is, by being nice to DIL, she's technically siding with someone who told this woman to kill her baby - regardless of whether or not *she* agrees with that sentiment. Possible baby momma isn't going to know that his mom isn't as crazy as he is. Crazy doesn't fall far from the tree and I know I'd hightail it out of there. Once things calm down some, she might be able to find out about the child.

The problem is her son.

 

[PaulaSB12]

It is easy to say the father has to "grow a pair" but if the wife that unstable he runs the risk of her making false accusations against him which would be even more dangerous. The unstable wife needs to be checked out by doctors and the son needs to take custody of his son to protect him. If someone's husband was acting in this way most people would be saying kick him out I think in this case the wife needs to be removed.

 

[Andtototoo]

Sil and I both totally agree that her son messed up in a HUGE way. And if there is a baby he SHOULD pay child support. And the dil was completely wrong. Sil is in NO WAY thinking that her son was right in any of this. If it wasn't for her grandson, she would probably cut them both off for the stuff they have done.

Her worry is that the woman will have this child and NOT ask for child support or anything and then she will not know the child.

Well, even if she (or the state) demands child support, that gives your friend no rights to see the child.

TBH, if this were my friend I would be gently counseling her to acclimate herself to the idea that if there is a child, she may never have any relationship with him/her.

 

[EllenFrasier]

delete

 

[luvsJack]

MTE. As would I. This whole thing sounds like a story line from a soap opera. Who needs that?

You are right it does, and I wish it was.

Just to address some of the posts:

If it was as simple as symptoms of a mental illness, i am sure sil would feel differently but this young lady has really put them all through the ringer. Even family funerals have been turned into "all about her". It is beyond belief sometimes. But, like I said, I really do understand the girl being hurt and upset right now and I feel for her.

It doesn't excuse what dn did by any stretch of the imagination but he really was taking care of his responsiblities. He worked and supported his family very well. Apparently, from what sil knows, he thought everything was ok and suddenly he found out she was running around town doing all kinds of stuff (everyone thought she was at work so her son was in child care and no one really suspected anything). Drugs were involved, so he left and took his son with him. And she followed him and wanted to stop all of that and fix the relationship. Then she wanted a seperation. And then this other woman came along.

Again, does NOT excuse anything that he did but the only difference in what he did and his wife did was that there could be a pregnancy. Two wrongs, of course, do not anything right. And certainly does not make any of this any easier to stomach.

In all reality there really are no victims among any of these adults, each one is just as guility as any other. But that doesn't make it any better.

Sil called this morning and said that she went to their house last night and got her grandson. While there she just smiled and said she wanted him to come spend the night. When she got home she called them back and said he would stay with her until they could grow up and start acting like adults and get this mess straightened out. They agreed that it was for the best because they needed the time to be able to talk it all out without worrying about him overhearing. She told them that until some counseling was involved, they need not plan to come and get him. They agreed and said they had already decided that. She said that her grandson doesn't seem upset or to really have any knowledge that there is stress and turmoil going on. He only said that he was glad Daddy was home now.

Its just really a scewed up mess and whoever said it is right, dn deserves whatever happens now. The one I feel for is sil and dgn and the possible baby.

Its really a sad shame that IF there is a pregnancy that this woman may feel its easier to go through it all alone, when she really could have the support of dn's family even without him being in the picture.

 

[disykat]

So she kidnapped her grandchild and they all agreed it was for the best? This just gets weirder and weirder.

 

[luvsJack]

So she kidnapped her grandchild and they all agreed it was for the best? This just gets weirder and weirder.

Do you think its better for the child to stay with all that going on? He loves his grandmom and loves being at her house. She isn't in another state, just down the road a little. They have a LOT that needs to be straightened out and he doesn't have to be a party to it all.

I don't think she really meant she would keep him forever or anything. She is just giving them some privacy and him some space.

 

[Carly_Roach]

So she kidnapped her grandchild and they all agreed it was for the best? This just gets weirder and weirder.

I agree. This is just too twisted for color TV. I'm outtie.

 

[disykat]

No, but a grandparent charging in and basically stealing the child sends up huge red flags for me. If you had said "my sister suggested he come stay with her for a while and they all agreed it was for the best" it would have been totally different than basically saying she pretended she was was taking him on a sleepover and then said they couldn't have him back.

She is the grandparent, not the parent. Grandparents offer help and support, which is not the same as being in charge of the situation.

The parents need to grow up in this situation, but it won't happen by someone else swooping in and making all their decisions for them.