"Were You Trying?"

[eowensby]

my dh got so upset with people asking that same question when we were pregnant with our first...so his reply/comeback was "You mean were we having sex?" It would take everyone by surprise, it cracked me up.
Just wait until you go a year or two between having babies and people start asking when you will have another one. It's a never ending cycle just like when you start dating someone...when are you getting married? Then when you are married when are you having kids? Then when you have a child....When are you having more? Then on your 3rd child...when are you going to stop having kids?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Was this planned? J/K

 

[Tigger&Belle]

It doesn't stop, trust me! I didn't get it a lot with baby #1 and #2, but I sure did with number 3... I had a girl and then a boy and I had the nerve to have another baby, so I got all kinds of comments. IE, you have one of each, so why would you want to have another one. I would say, yeah, I have a child with blue eyes, and one with brown, so why would I want to have more. Or they would ask if the third was planned. Or if I knew what caused it (the best answer is, "yes, and I like it!" ). About ultrasounds...people would ask if I was going to find out what it was going to be and I would look at them and say that I was pretty sure it was going to be a baby.

Really all these things were said with humor and I never got mad because I knew that people didn't have any mean intent. When I went on to have child number 4 the comments changed. There was a gap between 3 and 4 and people assumed that #4 was not planned and made tons of comments. It wasn't true at all--I had 3 m/c in between and #4 was the most planned. Many people talked about my "oops" and I did inform some of them that he was very planned and wanted and other people I just looked at confused.

The bottom line is that it doesn't change and that some people will make the comments, but most people really don't mean harm. I guess some people have a hard time thinking of the right thing to say, like "congratulations".

I used to have people tell me, "I'm so glad it's you and not me". My comeback was always, "Me, too!". That stopped them in their tracks, but was not a rude comeback.

 

[Jen_in_NH]

I really get a good laugh out of most of the things people think to ask about this pregnancy. I think it has something to do with how long it took to get pregnant (about a year and a half), and some of the questions I got then. Also, I work part time in a brain injury rehab, so the questions some of the patients come up with are a riot! The one that kills me every time was one of the girls wanted to know what would happen if the baby has to pee - do I have to let him out to do that?

Smile - they tell me the questions only get better from here!

BTW - congratulations!

Jen

 

[my4kids]

It is as rude and annoying as if someone announced they just bought a new home and someones first response was "How much did you pay for it?"

What anwer do these people want? What if you say, no we didn't plan for it. Does that make it less special? What if you said you went through hell and invitro for it? Does that make it more of a blessing? I don't understand what people are looking for when they say that. I am surprised you are getting that on your first though. You should hear the responses when you announce you are pregnant with you 4th. A standard one is "You are crazy".

 

[Cindy's Mom]

The worst part for me was the labor and delivery when every OB med student wanted to feel what five inches dilated felt like personally!

I'm crying from laughter. My DKs were born at teaching hospitals and although my interns weren't quite that "studious" - I hear ya sister.

 

[va32h]

I agree that it's rude to ask that.

Likewise I think its tacky when couples announce that they are trying. I really don't need to know that they are "doing it" like rabbits and trying to conceive. That's TMI. I really don't need to know what you and your mate are doing, in any case.

I also don't care to hear about all the sordid details of childbirth. TMI.

I have to agree with this. People do ask way too many private questions nowadays, but on the flip side, other people volunteer way too many private details.

Anyway, what I would do when asked any number of personal questions about my pregancy (my favorite - "is it your husband's?") was just say "oh my what a question" and then change the subject, or leave the room.

Congratulations on the baby though!

 

[Hidden_Mickey]

I have a friend who had twins recently. She said she couldn't believe how many people asked if they were concieved through fertility treatments. I can imagine wondering about that, but I could never have the nerve to say it! I have friends who have been married a while but don't have kids and I wonder if they are trying but would never ask. I have another friend who lost 2 sets of twins in the second trimester, so I (sort of) can imagine how hard infertility is and wouldn't ask anyone if they are trying, because if they are they might be going through hell and it would be none of my business. I certainly wouldn't expect them to tell me about it unless they wanted to.

I think sometimes people are just trying to make conversation without thinking about what they are saying. They aren't trying to be rude but they just don't think first. Sometimes it would be best if people just shut up, lol.

 

[LoveWDW]

Congratulations!

I agree that the questions are too personal. But instead of being rude back, I'd suggest a pause and a brief shocked look (mouth slightly open, eyebrows lifted), quickly brought under control, and a smiling polite nothing answer- such as Oh my you do ask the questions don't you! Then change the subject.

This way you point out to the person politely that they are being rude, yet you don't seem to be rude yourself.

 

[va32h]

That is what happened to me!!!!! My hubby and I didn't tell anyone on his side we were trying, after 8 months of trying my very competive SIL announced she was trying. I still never said anything because I didn't want the pressure of being asked all the time, felt it was private and was worried about conceiving because of prior complications. She gets prego two months later and then a month and a half later I get preganant. Now everyone thinks I "coppied" off her since I got pregnant a month and half later and never told anyone I was trying!!!!! The bad part is, I got Preeclampsia and delivered my son 3 days before her. She does nothing but compare the two kids. If I had it to do all over again, I would have waited after she got prego a lot longer. We are currently trying now, and this time I announced it with a bullhorn!!!!!!!!!! Of course, now the same SIL is trying too!!!! Surprise surprise!!! We'll see what happens!!!!

Anyway, Congrats to the Op!

That is just crazy! So anyone who happened to get pregnant after your SIL was "copying" her?

My SIL (my husband's sister) was upset that I became pregnant shortly before she announced she was getting married. Yes, that's right, I sensed she was about to get engaged and made the life-altering decision to bring another human being into the world just to steal her thunder.

As it was, I had the baby before the wedding, and she took great delight in continually calling me to ask if I had lost enough weight to fit into the bridesmaid's dress.

 

[chris1gill]

Well, we used to get that too & we weren't trying and we weren't not trying...

So my answer? I would just say, well, we were just blessed.... the answer can go either way... I think when you're pregnant you have to get used to these types of questions...

 

[helenabear]

Truthfully any time anyone asks about children, I find it rude. I was just asked today if I had kids and if I wanted them by a total stranger. If she had any idea of my history (miscarried in Nov after a decent amount of time was spent trying) she would never have thought to ask such a touchy question.

Some people really do not think before they speak.

 

[gypsydoodlebug]

I've made the mistake of letting people know we're trying. Now everyone wants to know if I'm pregant yet.

How about now?

Now?

What about now?

Argh.

SDFGIRL: CONGRATS on the little one to be! PM me who your doctor is. Maybe we have the same OBGYN here in town (I go to one of the huge offices). I delivered at Baptist East, BTW.

 

[SDFgirl]

Truthfully any time anyone asks about children, I find it rude. I was just asked today if I had kids and if I wanted them by a total stranger. If she had any idea of my history (miscarried in Nov after a decent amount of time was spent trying) she would never have thought to ask such a touchy question.

Some people really do not think before they speak.

Off topic, but...Elaine, I am aware of your story and I just wanted to say how sorry I am that happened to you. I really admire the fact that you still come on threads like mine (and on the TTC thread) to cheer and counsel others. I wish you every happiness and lots of baby success in the future.

 

[Amy&Dan]

DH and I are pregnant for the first time, and have been announcing the baby to friends and family.

I can't tell you how many people asked us, "Were you trying for this baby?"

It doesn't really bother me, because in fact we WERE trying. But if the pregnancy was an unplanned thing...it might be a sensitive issue.

I don't think I'd ever ask someone that...it just seems too personal. Am I just too touchy or do you think is it kinda rude/nosey?

It is a bit strange/rude/invasive to ask those kind of questions. However, get used to that kind of thing. Soon, strangers will come up and touch your belly. You'll have well meaning friends ask you if you plan on having drugs while you labor. Then others will ask if you plan to breast feed and give you their opinions on that. Then once you have a toddler who throws a fit, you'll get lots of opinions and advice on how wrong you handled that and how their kid NEVER did that. Once you become a parent, even one in the making, you will be on the receiving end of all kinds of weird, rude comments.

 

[mla2177]

I've made the mistake of letting people know we're trying. Now everyone wants to know if I'm pregant yet.

How about now?

Now?

What about now?

Argh.

SDFGIRL: CONGRATS on the little one to be! PM me who your doctor is. Maybe we have the same OBGYN here in town (I go to one of the huge offices). I delivered at Baptist East, BTW.

I know what you mean. Now that I felt compelled to announce it I have a million people asking me if I'm pregnant yet. That is why I didn't want to say anything with my first pregnancy. It's hard enough to look at the pregnancy test month after month and see a negative result without having to talk about it again. It's been 7 months of trying now, and I am tired of being asked already!

 

[NotUrsula]

Personally, I hate the mere word. IMO, "trying" is a word that should *never* be uttered aloud in the context of the subject of pregnancy unless one is sitting inside an OB's examination room. In any other context it is TMI, whether asked or volunteered.

As to how to reply to questions like these, my standard reply is to wait for a beat or two, and if they haven't moved on, I just give them a wide-eyed look and say, "Oh, surely you didn't mean to say that out loud?"

 

[KristiKelly]

I didn't hear it, that I recall, with the 1st or 2nd but I heard it non-stop with the 3rd. I guess they figured, you have a boy & girl so this must be unplanned. Nope!!!

Just wait. I don't know why people - EVERYONE insist on telling 1st time parents-to-be pregnancy horror stories. Please, take a deaf ear.

 

[my4kids]

That is just crazy! So anyone who happened to get pregnant after your SIL was "copying" her?

My SIL (my husband's sister) was upset that I became pregnant shortly before she announced she was getting married. Yes, that's right, I sensed she was about to get engaged and made the life-altering decision to bring another human being into the world just to steal her thunder.

As it was, I had the baby before the wedding, and she took great delight in continually calling me to ask if I had lost enough weight to fit into the bridesmaid's dress.

I gotta say, a lot of young people are wacky this way....it is like a very "me me me "attitude. Thankfully, most (not all) outgrow this. My husband and I dated for 10 years. When we finally decided to get engaged, his brother proposed to his girlfriend of 1 year. (they were older, so it didn't seem that odd) - however, my DH was told my his brother, that he could not propose to me soon after, because that would steal their thunder. My idiot DH (he is always an idiot when it comes to his family) listened to him!!!!!!!!! and said we had to wait. Well you guessed it, then we couldn't get engaged near the wedding, because that was all about them. Finally, we got engaged right after their wedding (a year after we wanted to ) and then they acted like we we copying out of jelousy. I had known DH for 10 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The stupid bride after getting married, immediately started acting like DH's family was hers and I was just a girlfriend. When we would have dinner at MIL's. if I put a dish away, she would exclaim loudly "gee, wow, I'm impressed, how did you know that went there, even I didn't know that, and I'm in the family!" I still want to ring this girls neck. She is still making me miserable, just in worse ways now.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Honestly, those questions don't really bother me b/c people don't mean to be rude....they are just clueless.

My last two children were definitely planned for but my first was not. When people find out I was 17 when I became pregnant with him they will say something along the lines of "Oh....so he was a mistake". I'll just smile and say "NO - he was the biggest and best surprise I ever recieved!"

 

[mla2177]

I gotta say, a lot of young people are wacky this way....it is like a very "me me me "attitude. Thankfully, most (not all) outgrow this. My husband and I dated for 10 years. When we finally decided to get engaged, his brother proposed to his girlfriend of 1 year. (they were older, so it didn't seem that odd) - however, my DH was told my his brother, that he could not propose to me soon after, because that would steal their thunder. My idiot DH (he is always an idiot when it comes to his family) listened to him!!!!!!!!! and said we had to wait. Well you guessed it, then we couldn't get engaged near the wedding, because that was all about them. Finally, we got engaged right after their wedding (a year after we wanted to ) and then they acted like we we copying out of jelousy. I had known DH for 10 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The stupid bride after getting married, immediately started acting like DH's family was hers and I was just a girlfriend. When we would have dinner at MIL's. if I put a dish away, she would exclaim loudly "gee, wow, I'm impressed, how did you know that went there, even I didn't know that, and I'm in the family!" I still want to ring this girls neck. She is still making me miserable, just in worse ways now.

I know exactly how you feel. I have had nothing but problems with my SIL. I made it my New Year's resolution to keep my distance from her and deal with her when I have to. My rational side knows it is just jealousy, but it still makes me mad because I don't bother her, I don't care what she does in her life!!! I wish she would just leave me alone!!!!