We're doing it: cutting back on Christmas

[NYEmomma]

I'm pretty sure I mentioned in another thread or two how frustrated I've been with Christmas and DH's brothers. There's 5 of them, 3 are married, 2 have kids (our daughter & oldest BIL's 3 sons).

Every year Christmas comes and we try to suggest an exchange or just stopping the gift-giving between siblings because it's getting expensive and we're honestly just not that close with DH's brothers. And every year we're shot down. What makes it worse is that, come Christmas day, one brother will have bought nothing for anybody, one brother will just buy a gift for DH but not me or DD, one brother buys just a gift for DD but not DH or I, and one brother buys all 3 of us gifts.

We always get gifts for all the brothers, all the SIL's and all the nephews... because that's what we THOUGHT everyone said they wanted to do. This is what happens EVERY. YEAR.

DH & I were talking about it today and lunch and I said that I wished we could just all stop with the insanity. It's expensive & too hard to shop for everyone. DH said, "who cares what they do? Let's just stop. Enough is enough... especially when we have another kid that we need to start saving for. They can do whatever they want to do."

So. There it is. We haven't told the brothers yet... I'm leaving that up to DH to do because I'm always the "bad one" in the family. We'll still buy for the nephews of course, but not for the brothers & SIL's. I'm glad DH was able to pull the trigger on it, but I'm nervous about how it's going to go over!

 

[kkwis2]

Good for you and your DH! I know it's not any easy decision to make, but even just having said the words out loud don't you just feel like the weight has been lifted from your shoulders? I think I sometimes stress myself out about making the decision, but once I do I feel so much better.

I hope you enjoy your holiday with a little less financial and mental stress!

I'm pretty sure I mentioned in another thread or two how frustrated I've been with Christmas and DH's brothers. There's 5 of them, 3 are married, 2 have kids (our daughter & oldest BIL's 3 sons).

Every year Christmas comes and we try to suggest an exchange or just stopping the gift-giving between siblings because it's getting expensive and we're honestly just not that close with DH's brothers. And every year we're shot down. What makes it worse is that, come Christmas day, one brother will have bought nothing for anybody, one brother will just buy a gift for DH but not me or DD, one brother buys just a gift for DD but not DH or I, and one brother buys all 3 of us gifts.

We always get gifts for all the brothers, all the SIL's and all the nephews... because that's what we THOUGHT everyone said they wanted to do. This is what happens EVERY. YEAR.

DH & I were talking about it today and lunch and I said that I wished we could just all stop with the insanity. It's expensive & too hard to shop for everyone. DH said, "who cares what they do? Let's just stop. Enough is enough... especially when we have another kid that we need to start saving for. They can do whatever they want to do."

So. There it is. We haven't told the brothers yet... I'm leaving that up to DH to do because I'm always the "bad one" in the family. We'll still buy for the nephews of course, but not for the brothers & SIL's. I'm glad DH was able to pull the trigger on it, but I'm nervous about how it's going to go over!

 

[nilseks]

I hear ya! Sometimes you just have to draw the line somewhere! I did the same this year. My closest friends and I have always exchanged gifts among our kids. They are getting older now--mine are the youngest and hers are all tweens--and I have no idea what they want, what is cool, what they like. And I feel like whatever small amount of money I spend on them just won't buy something that satisfies them during these tween years. There are six kids that I was purchasing for. A few weeks ago I sent my friends emails and said I love them and I love their kids, but I have to cool down the Christmas insanity. I told them I just can't do it anymore, and asked them to please not give my kids gifts.

Their responses were sweet and favorable, but of course, this is why I've been friends with them for 20+ year.

Hope you get a good response too!

 

[dislal]

Good Luck! I tried this one year with my family and my brother and sister in law got so mad we didn't speak for almost 5 years now we are on speaking terms, but it's just not the same and we no longer celebrate Christmas as a family

 

[NYEmomma]

I know it's not any easy decision to make, but even just having said the words out loud don't you just feel like the weight has been lifted from your shoulders?

Yes! It's wonderful! Now we just have to get through the actual TELLING of our plans, which is going to be stressful, I'm sure.

Good Luck! I tried this one year with my family and my brother and sister in law got so mad we didn't speak for almost 5 years now we are on speaking terms, but it's just not the same and we no longer celebrate Christmas as a family

YIKES. Talk about a severe reaction to something so trivial in terms of the holiday season. I don't think we'll get BAD reactions from DH's brothers, but I do worry about DD... I'm afraid that some of DH's brothers will no longer get her anything for Christmas because we're not buying for them. That's fine, she has plenty of toys, and at 3yo she probably won't even notice. But as she gets older and she sees my nephews getting presents but not her... I don't think it'll go over too well. It's already happened before with DH's brothers & her first Christmas (not like she was a baby, she was a week away from 1yo).

 

[SandrA9810]

You could always do "family baskets". It's my aunt's great go to idea, plus she's all crafty with the wrapping and ribbons which makes it seem more elaborate than it really is.

Buy a kid friendly DVD or two from the walmart $5 bin, a box of popcorn, and a box of hot chocolate, maybe a bottle of soda and candy.
No kids, change it to an adult movie, and a bottle of wine.

 

[Good Morning Dewdrop]

Good for you!!

I would make sure DH tells them soon - it would be easy to put that sort of thing off waiting for "the right time". Some folks (like me ) are already Christmas shopping so sooner rather than later

Enjoy your more stress free holidays!

 

[disprincessatheart]

as she gets older and she sees my nephews getting presents but not her... I don't think it'll go over too well. It's already happened before with DH's brothers & her first Christmas (not like she was a baby, she was a week away from 1yo).

buy your daughter an extra gift for your daughter, bring it with you. If they give her something, save it for another time. If they don't, bring it out.

 

[crashbb]

Sorry, I missed a line in the OP and thus my comment didn't actually make sense.

 

[Kitzka]

I don't think we'll get BAD reactions from DH's brothers, but I do worry about DD... I'm afraid that some of DH's brothers will no longer get her anything for Christmas because we're not buying for them. That's fine, she has plenty of toys, and at 3yo she probably won't even notice. But as she gets older and she sees my nephews getting presents but not her... I don't think it'll go over too well. It's already happened before with DH's brothers & her first Christmas (not like she was a baby, she was a week away from 1yo).

As unfair as it may seem, i think if they do not give your DD a gift, i would not cover for them by bringing a gift with you in case they do not.

my in laws don't always buy my DD a holiday gift (their first grandchild). We taught her that no matter what she is given to say thank you and to not say anything in front family. She should always be gracious. when she is in the car or they have left she can say whatever she likes. I ahve always told her that you don't know circumstances or people's reasoning. Fixating on the fact that she did not get a gift is not why we as a family do things. Do i think family should give each others gifts? yes but my in laws don't always feel this way. SO, i ahve tried to teach her to value time with them, or what she does get and the art of giving to others rather than what she recieves and whether it's fair or not.

It does drive me CRAZY to see my in laways buys tons and tons of gifts for my sister in law's children. DD is lucky if she gets 2 things. I know part of it is they don't know what to get for a teenager and it's easier to shop for a 7, 2 and 1 year old but DD sees the one shirt that she gets and the mounds (and i mean like 20+) gifts that each of my nieces and newphews recieves.

it isn't fiar but i am hoping that i am teaching her that it isn't fair but we should try to be happy with what we have.

hope this wasn't too preachy but i prefer that my DD know where she stands with family rather than pretending that they care as much about DD as they do about their other grand kids. I didn't want to be the one to make up for it. because at some point it will become clear and how do i help her then?

Lara

 

[tiggergalttfn]

Good for you for taking a stand! When you have big families and then marriage and kids come along it really is best just to buy for the kids which that in itself can get expensive!!

I think so many people get caught up in the gift giving that we forget about the true meaning of Christmas! Even if you not religious it really is just about spending time together not want you get.

 

[Ephany]

Good for you both! A few years ago I was the uber-evil one because I was sooooo fed up dealing with all the drama. Even though it was supposed to be that DH bought the stuff for his family and I'd take care of mine, somehow I was the one who always ended up trying to find gifts for people who really don't even like us. I really do think there was just a bunch of gift cards that kept being passed around each holiday. When we told everyone we weren't going to be exchanging sibling gifts anymore, (nor did we expect them) the ones who always got presents but never gave howled the loudest. After 2 years, they finally figured out we meant it and we weren't going to be guilted into buying stuff. I did get a few emails thanking me and expressing relief because they hadn't wanted to keep it up either, but didn't know how to stop it.

DD only has 3 cousins and the kids like finding stuff for each other so we still exchange among the children. We also still find presents for our parents, especially as my siblings rarely bother and DD can't stand the idea of Grandma & Grandpa having an empty tree. It's been such a relief overall and removed a lot of the stress and hurt feelings.

 

[fastergoofy]

Good for all of you cutting back! Christmas is focused way too much on spending and not enough on just spending time with friends and loved ones.

This year, I ventured a gift exchange idea with immediate family members and they were surprisingly eager. I think they had been dreading the giant holiday spend-party too and were just too nice to say anything! So this year, the little kids all get gifts and the adults have an exchange. It feels so much more sane.

 

[AlwaysMoving]

We cut out buying gifts for extended family almost a decade ago. It is just too expensive and not everyone was happy with what they got. We stopped giving and told everyone not to give us anything. My husband and I never bought each other gifts to save money, so to buy for everyone else seemed silly. We only focused on our son. Worked out well. Glad you realized what was best for your family. I'm sure if anyone is offended they will get over it. Our focus on Christmas has always been the meal anyway.

 

[phred52]

buy your daughter an extra gift for your daughter, bring it with you. If they give her something, save it for another time. If they don't, bring it out.

I'm with you. NOT to 'cover' for the in-laws, BUT to be sure the daughter gets something. When I was, oooh 6 or so, one time I received nothing while both my sisters got a present. I STILL remember the hurt and struggling not to cry in front of people.

Fast forward to when we went to Christmas at the in-laws & DD#1 was forgotten. NOOoooo gift. I'm still shaking my head over that one. I HAD brought a bag with a few 'presents' in it 'just in case' .... and brought it out, so DD#1 had something to open while there. She knew and while was appreciative of having a present to open, she will never forget she was left out. EVERY year since and I DO mean EVERY YEAR SINCE, she has wondered out loud if she would receive a gift from Grandpa this year or not. Sad.

I still keep a bag of wrapped presents in the trunk at Christmas time. An umbrella, foaming hand soaps, gloves, card games ..... with my in-laws you just never know when someone will be forgotten. I soooo remember that hurt and want to prevent a repeat.

 

[Marionnette]

I'm pretty sure I mentioned in another thread or two how frustrated I've been with Christmas and DH's brothers. There's 5 of them, 3 are married, 2 have kids (our daughter & oldest BIL's 3 sons).

Every year Christmas comes and we try to suggest an exchange or just stopping the gift-giving between siblings because it's getting expensive and we're honestly just not that close with DH's brothers. And every year we're shot down. What makes it worse is that, come Christmas day, one brother will have bought nothing for anybody, one brother will just buy a gift for DH but not me or DD, one brother buys just a gift for DD but not DH or I, and one brother buys all 3 of us gifts.

We always get gifts for all the brothers, all the SIL's and all the nephews... because that's what we THOUGHT everyone said they wanted to do. This is what happens EVERY. YEAR.

DH & I were talking about it today and lunch and I said that I wished we could just all stop with the insanity. It's expensive & too hard to shop for everyone. DH said, "who cares what they do? Let's just stop. Enough is enough... especially when we have another kid that we need to start saving for. They can do whatever they want to do."

So. There it is. We haven't told the brothers yet... I'm leaving that up to DH to do because I'm always the "bad one" in the family. We'll still buy for the nephews of course, but not for the brothers & SIL's. I'm glad DH was able to pull the trigger on it, but I'm nervous about how it's going to go over!

Yes! It's wonderful! Now we just have to get through the actual TELLING of our plans, which is going to be stressful, I'm sure.




YIKES. Talk about a severe reaction to something so trivial in terms of the holiday season. I don't think we'll get BAD reactions from DH's brothers, but I do worry about DD... I'm afraid that some of DH's brothers will no longer get her anything for Christmas because we're not buying for them. That's fine, she has plenty of toys, and at 3yo she probably won't even notice. But as she gets older and she sees my nephews getting presents but not her... I don't think it'll go over too well. It's already happened before with DH's brothers & her first Christmas (not like she was a baby, she was a week away from 1yo).

First, I think it's great that you are taking control of the situation and not allowing anyone to dictate how you spend your money.

Second, I think that if you decide to forgo gift exchanging with your husband's family then no one has the right to be upset when they don't get a gift. And that includes your feelings about your daughter not getting one. Because you can't stop the rest of the family from exchanging gifts. As long as they respect your wishes not to buy for you and you don't buy for them.

You can't have it both ways.

 

[TnTWalter]

We started drawing names last year for the adults. So each adult gets a gift. The kids still get gifts. It's so much easier. Plus your one gift is usually better.

I think as long as you let them know ASAP there should be no hard feelings. "Our desire this year is to have a simpler Christmas so we will not be buying presents for adults. Of course, we will be buying presents for the children. We hope you can understand." or whatever....

I cannot imagine not speaking for five years over that. What is Christmas about again? Crazy!

Good luck OP.

 

[threecrazykids]

I'm with you. NOT to 'cover' for the in-laws, BUT to be sure the daughter gets something. When I was, oooh 6 or so, one time I received nothing while both my sisters got a present. I STILL remember the hurt and struggling not to cry in front of people.

Fast forward to when we went to Christmas at the in-laws & DD#1 was forgotten. NOOoooo gift. I'm still shaking my head over that one. I HAD brought a bag with a few 'presents' in it 'just in case' .... and brought it out, so DD#1 had something to open while there. She knew and while was appreciative of having a present to open, she will never forget she was left out. EVERY year since and I DO mean EVERY YEAR SINCE, she has wondered out loud if she would receive a gift from Grandpa this year or not. Sad.

I still keep a bag of wrapped presents in the trunk at Christmas time. An umbrella, foaming hand soaps, gloves, card games ..... with my in-laws you just never know when someone will be forgotten. I soooo remember that hurt and want to prevent a repeat.

Oh my gosh...this make me so sad. What a completely horrible feeling! I can't even imagine how a 6 year old would feel if everyone was sitting there with their presents and they had nothing. Peeking over shoulders to see if maybe...just maybe it was tucked under the tree and just overlooked...that is just HORRIBLE!

 

[southern_redhead]

I'm afraid that some of DH's brothers will no longer get her anything for Christmas because we're not buying for them.

IMO, they may not "owe" anyone a present, BUT if the child-less uncles are buying for the nephews, then they should buy for your DD. If you and DH are buying for the nephews then their dads should make sure they have a gift for them to give back to your DD. I think it would be different if you meant you were no longer giving to anyone, young or old, but that isn't how I read your post.

Honestly, if it were me, if I showed up and they excluded my child......it would be the last year they got the chance. We would, after that, be unavailable for that party.

You could always do "family baskets". It's my aunt's great go to idea, plus she's all crafty with the wrapping and ribbons which makes it seem more elaborate than it really is.

Buy a kid friendly DVD or two from the walmart $5 bin, a box of popcorn, and a box of hot chocolate, maybe a bottle of soda and candy.
No kids, change it to an adult movie, and a bottle of wine.

That's a great idea.

I still keep a bag of wrapped presents in the trunk at Christmas time. An umbrella, foaming hand soaps, gloves, card games ..... with my in-laws you just never know when someone will be forgotten. I soooo remember that hurt and want to prevent a repeat.

Are these people senile? Insane? Anything else that might explain why they randomly exclude people? I think that's nuts, sorry. I'm really, really sorry that your DD went through that

 

[NYEmomma]

First, I think it's great that you are taking control of the situation and not allowing anyone to dictate how you spend your money.

Second, I think that if you decide to forgo gift exchanging with your husband's family then no one has the right to be upset when they don't get a gift. And that includes your feelings about your daughter not getting one. Because you can't stop the rest of the family from exchanging gifts. As long as they respect your wishes not to buy for you and you don't buy for them.

You can't have it both ways.

I do agree with what you're saying... I can't make my BIL's follow my gift-giving code of ethics, or whatever you want to call it, lol. I'd never ever stop buying for the nieces and nephews whether DH & I received gifts from their parents or not. Christmas is for the kids.... they thoroughly enjoy the gifts & I wouldn't take that away from them just because we're trying to cut back.

But I can't impose that rule on all of them. Thinking about it though, the only ones that would do that are the ones that don't get DD gifts anyways. The one brother that always gets DD something is the one with the 3 boys that we'll continue buying for.

It just will hurt my heart to see DD left out when she's already excluded from the family so much already (it does NOT pay to be a girl in DH's family ).

I would like to see, when all the nieces and nephews get older, a gift exchange between all of them. That would be fun for them & eventually the family is going to get so big that buying for ALL of DD's cousins is going to get cost prohibitive. We're having another one so that'll make 5... and 3 of DH's brothers haven't even started having children yet.