We're ALL speechless!! UPDATE pg. 5 - Becoming the "Waltons"??

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by Hillbeans
Hypothetically speaking, what happens if someone needs or wants to move away?

Do you then rent out that part of the house??

I just have to think that even though you're not living with this person, she'll get on your nerves. My DH and I with our son moved from a house to a 3 BD townhome for a number of reasons, most for our work commute and for his school. I'm not even family with our neighbors, but let me tell you, I sometimes feel a sheer lack of privacy. They know when you go out, when you get in, when you're outside - and they're just neighbors. Do you want your Daughters MIL asking you "Where did you go" 24/7???? We're building a deck and our neighbors are always wandering in and out of our space anytime we're outside. Don't get me wrong, they're very nice, but sometimes you just want your own space. You won't have any.

Just my .02 cents.

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Not to sound crass, but I could care less if the MIL (or anyone else for that matter) knows what I'm doing or asks what I'm doing.. That might actually be a bit of the "rub" between the MIL and I... She is very meek and subserviant - for lack of a better way of putting it.. She's "afraid" to do anything alone - needs a 36-hour heads up in order to "plan" on going to Walmart and I'm the exact opposite.. If I want to do something, I do it.. And if I want to do something spontaneous on a moments notice, I do that as well.. I don't feel the need to "impress" her or "answer" to her and never will.. Having her living on the other end of a building isn't going to change that.. Heck - if anything, maybe I can get her to "loosen up" a bit - LOL..

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by Hillbeans
Hypothetically speaking, what happens if someone needs or wants to move away?

Do you then rent out that part of the house??

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Oops! Sorry - I forgot to address those questions..

Actually my son-in-law asked his parents those questions, but I had gone inside to get another cup of coffee so I don't know what the answers were..

 

[WeirdEyes]

All I can say is WOW! I don't know if I could do this with my parents and my in-laws. I love them all dearly, but I need my space. My parents recently lived with us for about 2 weeks between selling & getting their new house ready to move into. It wasn't bad by any means, but I couldn't do it full-time. My Mom is a "clean freak" and is constantly going behind you cleaning. Bless her heart.....my house stayed spotless those two weeks! LOL

Good luck, C.Ann. I just hope your DD can handle it with everything that she's been through lately. Take care!

 

[jipsy]

During my second marriage, my MIL (who I loved dearly and got along with very well) moved in with us for what was supposed to be a few weeks.

She was there for 2 1/2 years.

Again, even though she and I got along great and we loved each other, it was still a HUGE strain on us. It was a strain on our relationships with each other and a big strain on my marriage. And regretfully, one of the many contributing reasons to my divorce. There were privacy issues, monetary issues, housekeeping issues, waking and sleeping hour issues, pet issues, vehicle issues... I could go on and on.

She ended up moving onto her other son's property into her own home, but steps away from her son's home. Again, they loved her dearly, but even that was a large strain on their relationship for the same reasons.

I can only imagine adding three more in-laws to the mix plus health problems for all. It makes me shudder.

The idea may sound great up front, but if everyone lives 10 or more years this way, your dd and SIL may not be able to handle it. Your DD already has some of her own health problems; to ask her to take on 4 other people, 2 of which have their own health problems is asking more than it sounds like she could bear on a long term basis.

Regardless if you have your own "apartments", experience has proven to me that in-laws think nothing of barging in. I can only imagine how that would play out considering they are the ones financing the whole deal.

As a previous poster said, you should not sit by and only give your opinion when asked. This affects you and it affects your daughter highly, and you should be concerned about everyone's well being in the long term regardless of whether you have a lake retreat or not. The rest of them do not have that luxury.

 

[DMRick]

That might actually be a bit of the "rub" between the MIL and I... She is very meek and subserviant - for lack of a better way of putting it.. She's "afraid" to do anything alone - needs a 36-hour heads up in order to "plan" on going to Walmart and I'm the exact opposite.. If I want to do something, I do it..

And that's why I don't think it would work..this and what you said before about her coming up for the day (hey, you posted here, so you'll get opinions LOL!)

As far as wanting to be close to parents. I took care of all four of our parents as they each died of cancer, stroke, etc. I was a great DIL and daughter. However, I wasn't asking my mom and IL to share (cause that's what it really is when you are that close) a home. And if she pays for the most of it..does she "own" your part?
You can forget having a Christmas with just yoor daughter and her family, her a Thanksgiving, etc. When people live that close, no matter the ground rules, one set of parents will most likely be hurt when the other is invited and they aren't. When they are in their own home, away from each othere, the other parent won't even know the first parent is there every Saturday, or the grandchild is overnight to the other grandma's every Friday.

You say it's really up to them, but as long as you don't give your opinion, they think you are fine with this..and are you? Think back to some of the feelings you have had about the "other" parent. Will your sil be able to come up for a weekend at yoru camp, or will mil have to join him since she knows where he is going.

The tax implications...whew..three people on one mortgage, three people making house decorating ideas. Gee, just building houses sometimes makes for a stressful marriage.

And as far as you originally thinking of living with daughter..the difference is, you have always loved your sil, thought he was a good father and husband, and gotten along well with him. Think of the attitude the mil has had in the past (your other posts and our private conversations)...does your daughter really need that, and is she really in the right frame of mind (medicine free, etc) to make such a life altering decision. MIL with sons are sometimes a little harder on dil's.

I would run in the other direction..or at the very least tell my daughter I think maybe I'll be looking for an apartment of my own.

 

[doxdogy]

I know I am in the minority, but I say go for it. After MIL passed away FIL moved in with us. He lived with us until he had a stroke and had to go into a nursing home. Even though he drove my husband and I bonkers sometimes, we missed him dearly when he was gone. DD enjoyed that when she came to visit us, she got to see her Grandpa. At one time we had FIL, BIL and his wife and their two kids living with us. Then when they were gone we had FIL and close friend living with us. In fact, five years ago was the first time DH and I didn't have someone living with us for almost ten years. Now we are selling this house, buying a piece of property and living there and my dad is going to park an RV on it and with there with us.

 

[disykat]

My first thought was that it might be difficult for your granddaughter. You have a good relationship with her. You've stated MIL has a tendency toward jealousy. Your granddaughter may grow up in a situation where she has to be "fair" and be constantly placating MIL.

I don't see multigenerational living as the problem(although I think that can be difficult!), I think the problem is that that BOTH sets of parents will be there.

 

[Serena]

C. Ann, it will work. You and your SIL will make it work.

Ok, this is my situation, or was. We have a family "compound" on this street. I live in one house, parent's in law live next door, less than 20 feet away. My brother in law has a house on the other side. Right now no one lives there, but for a while, It was all three families living right here together. We respected each other's privacy. No one walked into any doors without knocking and being invited in.
Dealing with all the issues and privacy can be done.

And frankly, it sounds to me that it's going to happen anyway. You sil sounds like he would be taking care of his mom when the time comes that she needs taken care of.
It sounds to me that it can be the ideal, though not perfect situation. But who has a perfect situation? Not many people at all.
I say they should work out the details, and I think you should make sure they think things through, and make it work.

One more point for the future. It might be hard to sell a place like that if it was needed.

I like the seperate "apartments". Different entrances too.

 

[C.Ann]

LOL.. Would you believe I just fell sound asleep in a chair for a bit? I NEVER nap during the day - guess this is too much of a "brain drain"...

Okay - let's see here.. It seems the majority are in agreement that I need to voice some sort of "opinion" to my DD & her DH.. In all honesty, my "opinion" is that it's their choice to make - but - I will go ahead and offer some additional input.. The first thing that comes to mind is whether or not the IL's will use their monetary contribution to manipulate decsions regarding the building of the house, the location, the style, the landscaping, etc.. Next will be whether my DD can handle having her MIL so close when she (the MIL) is still well enough and mobile enough to breeze in and out of her house at will.. I think my son-in-law is under the assumption that they will be spending the majority of their time traveling the country in their brand new motorhome - as well as continuing to go seasonal each summer at their favorite campground - but there's also the possibility that when the newness wears off, the traveling may stop (or at least lessen).. I will also remind them of the other options that are available to DH & I.. We can either live here at the lake 8 months a year and drive to Florida for the other 4 - or we can look for a mobile home in an adult park.. I already know that they are both vehemently opposed to either of those options, but at least it will remind them that there ARE other options available to us..

Of course when you think about how LARGE this house would have to be - with a center-hall colonial in the center and full-size apartments and garages on each end - the cost alone may put the kabash on the idea.. Although my son-in-law has the knowledge and capabilities to build this house on his own, he can't do that and work full-time as well, so much of the work would have to be contracted out.. While his Mom might agree to spending ANY amount of money, his Dad is much tighter with a buck and will definitely have a bottom line in that regard..

I know my son-in-law is anxious to hear how my DD's doctor feels about adding another set of parents to the mix and I'm sure that will weigh heavily in any decision they make.. As I mentioned earlier, they had an appointment this morning and for all I know this idea may have been nixed already.. Hopefully they'll call this evening and let me know how it went..

So - did I forget anything I need to mention? I'm so sleepy I can't even believe it! What's up with that??????

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by DMRick

The tax implications...whew..three people on one mortgage, three people making house decorating ideas. Gee, just building houses sometimes makes for a stressful marriage. .

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There wouldn't be any tax implications.. Because my financial situation is a million miles away from that of his parents due to my DH's extended illness, my son-in-law has already told us that he will not accept any money from the sale of our house.. His parents are aware of this as well and in total agreement..

There will be only two names on the mortgage and deed - my DD's and her DH's.. Basically what his parents are doing is giving him the bulk of his inheritance now rather than later.. Considering he's an only child, they're able to do this without any other child feeling "slighted"..

 

[FroggyinArk]

you have mny prayers on this,, even though i already touched on my ideas one main and a cpl of cabins or guest houses, completely seperate...... its a long hard desicion. best of luck.

 

[DMRick]

I think my son-in-law is under the assumption that they will be spending the majority of their time traveling the country in their brand new motorhome

If mil is ill, that may not be for long. The insurance issues and needing doctors, etc pop up. Plus if she always wants to be near her only son..how long do you think she would be away from him LOL?


Sound to me like you already made up your minds, so prob anything we say is moot anyway. It will be interesting following this as it unfolds. It's not like in the "olden" days that ONE set of parents move in (most often the daughters parents in most cases I have known). This is two sets involved (as well as your step who sometimes stay with yoru hubby), and I thought in the past mil was not looked on in a good light. I thought you thought sil turned out great in spite of his mom. I know when your DD was first found to have a problem recently, she wasn't very nice. Leopards seldom change their spots.

Think of all the decisions/changes you have made over the past few months (I can't even remember why your daughter didn't end up going to Disney with you last Christmas time..but I thought there was a problem with her husband not wanting her to go, and then her schooling, and stress w/the marriage way back then. This is something that will take a lot of thought..as well as uptowards a half milion dollars, in the areas you guys would like to live in. And..can you afford the lake house and the upkeep on this house (your taxes and heat, and lights, and mortgage)? Even if both you and hubby are ill? Will your sil do all the upkeep? OMG so much to think of, I have a headache and it's not even my problem LOL. In any case, good luck and I hope it turns out as you all wish. You know we all only wish you the best..and if you didn't have some reservations, you prob wouldn't have posted about it...but just gone headlong into it.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by DMRick
If mil is ill, that may not be for long. The insurance issues and needing doctors, etc pop up. Plus if she always wants to be near her only son..how long do you think she would be away from him LOL?


Sound to me like you already made up your minds, so prob anything we say is moot anyway. It will be interesting following this as it unfolds. It's not like in the "olden" days that ONE set of parents move in (most often the daughters parents in most cases I have known). This is two sets involved (as well as your step who sometimes stay with yoru hubby), and I thought in the past mil was not looked on in a good light. I thought you thought sil turned out great in spite of his mom. I know when your DD was first found to have a problem recently, she wasn't very nice. Leopards seldom change their spots.

Think of all the decisions/changes you have made over the past few months (I can't even remember why your daughter didn't end up going to Disney with you last Christmas time..but I thought there was a problem with her husband not wanting her to go, and then her schooling, and stress w/the marriage way back then. This is something that will take a lot of thought..as well as uptowards a half milion dollars, in the areas you guys would like to live in. And..can you afford the lake house and the upkeep on this house (your taxes and heat, and lights, and mortgage)? Even if both you and hubby are ill? Will your sil do all the upkeep? OMG so much to think of, I have a headache and it's not even my problem LOL. In any case, good luck and I hope it turns out as you all wish. You know we all only wish you the best..and if you didn't have some reservations, you prob wouldn't have posted about it...but just gone headlong into it.

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If MIL is ill? You mean "now"? She's not ill - she's healthy as a horse.. It's the FIL that is worried about something happening to him (even though he's perfectly healthy at this point in time) because he has recently lost several of his good friends quite suddenly.. It's made him realize that he's not going to live forever and maybe he should take a look at the "what if's"..

And no - I haven't "made up my mind already" - nor have they.. I'm just responding to whatever is written here.. Someone asks about everyone being in the same kitchen, I explain that the plan isn't to have one kitchen.. You mentioned "three names on the mortgage" and I explained that there wouldn't be three names on the mortgage..

Personally I see any move on my part as being temporary - but I haven't quite been able to figure out how to post that here without it sounding like I'm wishing my DH were already dead.. Right now everything I do has to revolve around him and my need for help with him.. After he's "gone", everything will change dramatically and I will have many more options.. The idea for an in-law apt. for us - as well as his parents - was my SIL's suggestion.. I would be just as happy going back to the original plan of living "with" them for whatever time I need to do that and then moving on when I'm alone.. I'm very flexible - very frugal - and can adust to just about anything if I want to..

I'm still very interested in what everyone has to say but I think you're reading more into my responses than what are really there.. Would be a pretty boring thread if I didn't respond to the things posted here and everyone was under the assumption that 6 adults and 1 child were going to live in a one-room shack with 6 names on the mortgage - LOL...

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by DMRick
This is something that will take a lot of thought..as well as uptowards a half milion dollars, in the areas you guys would like to live in.

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Oops! Forgot to mention that the location has changed as well - IF they decide to do this.. LOL..

Lower Saratoga County now.. SIL has decided he doesn't like the taxes in the other area and has been expanding his search..

And I know you only want what's best for us - I just think you're not understanding the reasoning behind the responses I've given.. Shoot - if I were alone, I'd probably be down to Orlando looking for a place to live and a job with the Mouse!!

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I can not stand my inlaws. That being said right off the bat. I would do this. Seperate entrances, seperate kitchens, Life is all about compromise with neighbors, family, coworkers.
Think of it this way what better neighbors could you have that share such a commonality. Love for your grandaughter.
I think if the adults and her life are mature enough to get this all together, that it is wonderful for her. I lived in a very insular neighborhood. Dad's mom 2 doors up. Dad's aunt next door, My mothers parents at the bottem of our street. 2 Aunts on the cross street over from ours. I knew every day where Papa was. Or if Grammy was home. And loved it. If fact if I was mad I would yell at my mother. I am telling Grammy!!!! And I would go running in to tell Grammy.
You mention your DH's health. I will tell you my Grandfather died of a heart attack at home. Before rescue could get there. We were there. We picked him up when he fell. 2 months later. When my Uncle died, my Aunt yelled out the kitchen window, and we were all there to help. I grew up knowing everyone was there for me it was very secure. Even after my parents divorced our neighborhood remained the same. I am sure it was not all roses for my mom. But they did it. I think it would be a gift to your grandaughter to make this work. I would give my right arm to run to my grandmothers house once more and tell her my woes and get a peice of candy.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by twinmomplus2new
I can not stand my inlaws. That being said right off the bat. I would do this. Seperate entrances, seperate kitchens, Life is all about compromise with neighbors, family, coworkers.
Think of it this way what better neighbors could you have that share such a commonality. Love for your grandaughter.
I think if the adults and her life are mature enough to get this all together, that it is wonderful for her. I lived in a very insular neighborhood. Dad's mom 2 doors up. Dad's aunt next door, My mothers parents at the bottem of our street. 2 Aunts on the cross street over from ours. I knew every day where Papa was. Or if Grammy was home. And loved it. If fact if I was mad I would yell at my mother. I am telling Grammy!!!! And I would go running in to tell Grammy.
You mention your DH's health. I will tell you my Grandfather died of a heart attack at home. Before rescue could get there. We were there. We picked him up when he fell. 2 months later. When my Uncle died, my Aunt yelled out the kitchen window, and we were all there to help. I grew up knowing everyone was there for me it was very secure. Even after my parents divorced our neighborhood remained the same. I am sure it was not all roses for my mom. But they did it. I think it would be a gift to your grandaughter to make this work. I would give my right arm to run to my grandmothers house once more and tell her my woes and get a peice of candy.

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You know, I have to wonder if the reason that I'm not as concerned or cynical about this as some are is due to the fact that I grew up in a similar environment as the one you mentioned - and I also know a number of people who have done this sort of thing and it worked out fine.. My grandparents owned the entire road that we lived on.. Their house was on the right, my aunt and uncle on the left, and us in the middle.. It was a great childhood and I have very fond memories of having all of those people around me..

I think the key to a successful arrangement is exactly what you mentioned - adults being mature enough to lay down guidelines and then follow through on them.. People don't get along 100% when they live hundreds of miles apart - and I'm sure there would be times when people don't get along if they're living in close proximity - but there's nothing abnormal about that because there isn't one thing in this world that is 100% perfect ALL of the time..

I guess all I can do at this point is give the kids my opinion - mention the few concerns or issues I'm wondering about - and then wait for them to make the decision that is solely theirs to make..

Sounds like you had a super Grandma.. Nice to hear that..

 

[DMRick]

Personally I see any move on my part as being temporary - but I haven't quite been able to figure out how to post that here without it sounding like I'm wishing my DH were already dead..

I haven't wanted to mention that either..but now that you have...am I understanding that if you are alone, you might not stay in the "attached" apartment? Well then what would happen to it? See, that's why I think you ARE part of the decision making.

I don't think anyone thought you were planning a shack. I think for the most part (at least for me) I assumed a very expensive place. And in fact in today's paper that very area you are now looking at just mentioned that you should be pre approved when looking (at least for houses)..that area is selling at more than the asking prices too!

I got the impression that the MIL was ill, sorry for that impression. But I also got the impression from past letters, talks and your original note on this subject, that your dil didn't get along well with her mil, and as I mentioned that you thought he turned out good in spite of his mom : (
That's the parts that would make me pull up and "get out of Dodge". I mean the idea would be to lessen stress, and I don't see how her doctor could make any suggestions without seeing how this women is with your DD. I think living with in laws that are as you have described this one, is hard in any case, but with the problem your daughter has had lately, they would be adding building a house (always stressful), pleasing many with the design (now that has to be stressful), figuring out the money part, who pays for what part, and then adding this jealous MIL..do you see why someone who cares would be very concerned? Like I said earlier (I think I did anyway) you get along great with your DD and sil..so you moving in is a little different. Youll be a help.

For me, live would be too short to have to live near someone I wasn't overly fond of.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by DMRick
I haven't wanted to mention that either..but now that you have...am I understanding that if you are alone, you might not stay in the "attached" apartment? Well then what would happen to it? See, that's why I think you ARE part of the decision making.

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I aksed my SIL that very question when he said he would be willing to add a separate apt. for us too if we wanted it and he said he would just disassemble it and turn it back into a part of the main house..

Of course I still think that when the actual $$$$$ amount is made known (the cost for purchasing land, building the house, etc.) the idea will probably sink into the sunset fairly quick - LOL.. His parents don't have the expertise or knowledge in the field of building that my SIL does (don't forget he's a project estimator and can pretty much come up with the cost down to the very last penny) and I'm guessing they don't have a realistic idea of just how much it COULD cost..

I just hope I don't sound awful for talking about what will happen when I'm "alone", but that's the reality of my situation and I need to make plans for now AND then..

 

[The Mystery Machine]

C. Ann what it boils down to is the money...The parents are going to foot the bill for the ENTIRE estate???

Are they expecting you to sell your home and pool it into the "compound"? How will that work out for you after your dh is gone?

What if you agree to do this and while it is being built and you are not moved in dh dies? (sorry for sounding morbid) Now what?
Is your money tied up now?

Who will take the deductions with the IRS???


If you are serious you need to hire a real estate attorney. You need to have it all legal and binding and include an "escape" clause for all.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by The Mystery Machine
C. Ann what it boils down too is the money...The parents are going to foot the bill for the ENTIRE estate???

Are they expecting you to sell your home and pool it into the "compound"? How will that work out for you after your dh is gone?

What if you agree to do this and while it is being built and you are not moved in dh dies? (sorry for sounding morbid) Now what?
Is your money tied up now?

Who will take the deductions with the IRS???


If you are serious you need to hire a real estate attorney. You need to have it all legal and binding and include an "escape" clause for all.

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No - the IL's will not be footing the entire bill.. DD & DH will be contributing from the sale of their current home as well..

No - no one is expecting or asking for money from the sale of my home.. Due to my DH's lengthy illness we basically have nothing left.. His pension, IRA, and our life savings have all gone to his medical care so the popular opinion is that the proceeds from our house should be put aside for my needs later on.. However, if we were to live "in" with them - or in an attached apt. - we would contribute money much the same as if we remained in our own home.. The savings to us would be not having to maintain and dump boat loads of money into a 60 yr. old home and the savings to my SIL is not having to run back and forth to do all of the maintainence and repairs..

I would assume that since everything would be in my DD and her DH's name they would take the tax deductions.. I don't know how that would affect the IL's, but it wouldn't affect us at all..

And you are 100% correct about having a competent real estate attorney involved to protect the interests of those who have a financial stake in this matter, but I'm sure my SIL has thought of that already, as has his Dad..