We're ALL speechless!! UPDATE pg. 5 - Becoming the "Waltons"??

[C.Ann]

Even as I'm typing this, I keep thinking it's a dream.. And please bear with me, because this is going to be LONG!!

Most of you know that I'm going to be selling my house and my DH & I are moving in with my DD & her DH.. Initially we were looking for a place with an in-law apt. but they're hard to find and quite pricey in the area they would prefer to live in.. So - we had pretty much decided that we would just go ahead and live right "in" with them and my son-in-law was more than willing to make whatever modifications are necessary to accomodate my DH, a special "extra" area for me, etc.. Then DD went in the hospital and hasn't returned to work yet so we've put the house hunting on hold for a bit..

Well....DD, her DH & my granddaughter were up here to the lake for the weekend and they mentioned that DH's parents were coming up yesterday because they had a "proposition" they wanted to present.. I assumed they wanted to speak to my DD & her DH, but as it turns out, I was to be part of this conversation as well..

Now before we go any further, keep in mind that my DD's DH is an only child - his parents are quite comfortable (financially - due to great jobs they retired from; each of them receiving inheritances from their parents; good investments; etc.).. They have a large home (no mortgage) and planned on selling it and buying a smaller place close to their son once we all got settled somewhere..

So - they get up here yesterday and drop a bombshell.. I mean literally - our jaws just dropped wide open and there was total silence for a good minute or longer - like none of us heard what we thought we heard...

They want to sell their house - pool the money with my son-in-law and buy about 3 to 5 acres of land.. On this land they want my son-in-law to go ahead and build his dream center-hall colonial, with an in-law apartment on EACH END and ALL of us would live there!!!

I think that's the first time that I ever saw my son-in-law TOTALLY speechless!! He knows that my DD doesn't get along the "best" with his Mom.. No knock down drag out brawls - the MIL just annoys her.. I'm not crazy about her either, but she doesn't bug me THAT much.. DD gets along FABULOUSLY with her FIL - and so do I.. (Yes - he has his "quirks too - but don't we all?)

I think at least ONE of the reasons his parents came up with this idea is because they're getting up there in age - my son-in-law's Mom is afraid of her own shadow - and I think his Dad is starting to worry about where she'll live (and feel safe and secure) if something should happen to him..

After the initial shock wore off, we were all joking about it around the campfire - doing the Walton's "goodnight" routine - and what-have-you - but this coming week I'm sure the talks will turn serious again about whether this is a good idea - and if it's workable..

What do you guys think? Totally NUTS ?? Possible ?? Get out of Dodge ??

I'm not sure WHAT to think.. I guess I'm still in a state of shock!

 

[minniecarousel]

Yikes - I think that'll take a LOT of thinking. I could see how it could work though. Especially if the parents each had their own "ends" of the house. Maybe set ground rules ahead of time. I know you were concerned about your DD & her DH having their privacy when it was just the thought of you & your DH moving in with them. Putting another set of adults into the mix obviously changes things. Not that it's not do-able, but none of you should feel "beholden" to them, if they end up putting up most of the money. Good luck - this could work - but you all need to think about all the personalities to make sure it would work.

 

[DMRick]

{{shudder}} {{shudder}} at the very thought!

 

[Virgo10]

Originally posted by DMRick
{{shudder}} {{shudder}} at the very thought!

Ditto. Ditto! I can see extended families maybe living in the same neighborhood or maybe even the same street. But to have them all in the same house (even with locked doors) gives me the willys.

I just don't see it working and I would never do it but that's just me. If and when the day comes, I'd opt for assisted living arrangements.

Good luck and I hope everyone gives it LOTS of thought... especially your DD and her DH.

Roberta

 

[susy]

WOW. Is your DD prepared for the eventual long-term full time care for her MIL? It seems like that's what they want in the end. I would ask to see any insurance policies that cover full time in home care. I'm not kidding.

 

[dianeschlicht]

I kind of agree with Suzy. I think this has to be thought out VERY well. EVERY scenario has to be imagined, and ALL of you have to know if you can live with all the scenarios or not. Your DD and SIL could end up being caretakers for everyone should the circumstances end up that way. Only they will know if they could handle that.

 

[FroggyinArk]

agree with the long term care thing.. check on optionbs ,, even the young can turn oiut to need it,, case in point, me un able to weork or anything since oct 2 2003, drs appointments up to twice a week,, and drs are 4 hours away,,, would they consider maybe the 3-4 acres of land with a big house and a cpl of cottages? would have every one close together and still hae private space and all too... cottages could be built to disability specs,, adha is available on line and all architechts can use it, and a place of your own , where you can plant a flower bed, or change the pictures anddrapes, even if its 50 ft away from the main house, is often times an encouragemen to ppl as they age. i have built 2 inlaws appartments onto houses, both times the cpl ended up seperateing, uin laws into nursing home and houses went on market, anbd actually the extra appartment ussually becomes other things after the initial person, the cotages can still be connected to main house by an intercom to give instant communication and can even ( depending on local and state codes) be connected to one electric , gas, and water line, where there is onmly one set of utilities, check this with local houseing authoirity , building codes office, city engineer, some one can tell yta just an option.

 

[Lanshark]

Sounds like a very stressful situation for your DD and DH to try to make it work for everyone. His parents will always have the upper hand because they are financing much of it. The question I would ask is what if it doesn't work. Sounds like everyone would be stuck.

 

[Serena]

It can work, if everyone wants to bad enough. Just work out the details.

 

[CBRorBust]

I cannot imagine living with my parents and/or inlaws after marriage whether it be in the same house, street, acre, or neighborhood. I think their is a need for a healthy distance in order to make a marriage work.

This situation sounds really hard on your DD and DH no matter how welcoming they may seem. In the long run I think they will both get burned out with the situation.

JMHO. I would not do this. In the effort of not being too much of a jerk....have you seen Everybody Loves Raymond?

 

[browneyes]

How far does your dd and her family live from the inlaws right now?

 

[Kewz1]

Wow! What a generous off on their behalf! I can't see my parents and in-laws living in the same house no matter how big or that they are at opposite ends. However, my DH and I hope to buy enough land after he retires so that my sis and my parents can both build on it (yeah, we want our own subdivision ). Would something like that be an option?

If you do decide to go with the original option make sure there are clear cut rules about who pays for what (electricity, water, cable, etc). I would think that to be the area(s) that could ultimately cause the most friction.

There are worse decisions you could be making so have some fun with this one!

Kristen

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by browneyes
How far does your dd and her family live from the inlaws right now?

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About two minutes.. We, on the other hand, are about a half hour away...

 

[izzy]

Wow! Actually, with the money this house is going to cost to build, I think it sounds more like "Dallas" than "The Waltons." (Just remember that the family living together on The Waltons got along a lot better than the family living together on Dallas - LOL!)

 

[C.Ann]

I hear what all of you are saying - loud and clear - and I'm SOOOO glad that I'm not the one who has to make this decision.. Actually, I'm still trying to figure out why the in-law's felt this was a conversation/proposition that I had to be included in to begin with.. All of the weight falls squarely on the shoulders of my DD and her DH and only they can decide if it's agreeable to them..

I guess part of the reason that it doesn't bother me either way (aside from any additional stress it might place on my DD and her DH) is because at least 8 months out of the year I could come here to the lake if people were getting on my nerves and I have never totally ruled out the possibility of some day dividing my time between living here and in Florida..

I'm just hoping that they (DD & her DH) think VERY long and VERY hard before they make a final decision on this.. When ideas like this come along it's easy to make a snap judgement only to sleep on it for a few days or a week or whatever and then realize there are a whole lot of considerations that weren't thought about in the very beginning stages.. I'm sure that part of the reason the in-laws are bringing this up now is because obviously their son will inherit virtually everything they have - money, property, etc. - and they may see this as a way of helping him out now, while dealing with their own concerns of impending old age at the same time.. Tough, tough position for those kids to be in..

Funny that someone brought up the "Everybody Loves Raymond" thing too because just last night before they left my DD was sitting here shaking her head saying, "Everybody Loves XXXX" - lol.. She then went on to say if she and her DH were ever to divorce it would make it pretty easy - she could go home to her parents (on the left side of the house), he could go home to his parents (on the right side of the house), and the middle portion could be rented out.. Then their daughter could just run back and forth from one end of the house to the other to spend time with each parent and each set of grandparents - ha!

It will be very interesting to see how all of this pans out.. Meanwhile I'm just going to sit back and keep my mouth shut unless someone SPECIFICALLY asks for my opinion on something..

 

[jkovick]

Wow, it is a generous offer, but what a weight to put on your DD and SIL!! Are they prepared to deal with everyone' s "quirks" and needs? In theory it is a lovely offer, but I can see major potential for marriage stress for DD & SIL. Each wanting to please and accomodate their parents, etc could cause real hardship for them. Good luck in whatever is decided.

 

[momof2inPA]

I hope there will be no hard feelings if your SIL turns them down, but I say go for it if there is an understanding that any family "unit" can lock the others out if they need privacy for a few days.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by Kewz1

If you do decide to go with the original option make sure there are clear cut rules about who pays for what (electricity, water, cable, etc). I would think that to be the area(s) that could ultimately cause the most friction.


Kristen

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That's the one area that actually WAS discussed already.. Each unit would be separate (with their own power supply; heating units; etc.) and therefore each family would be paying their own utilities and such..
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And the "Dallas" scenario was also mentioned last night too - but my SIL said it would have to be called "Northfork" rather than "Southfork" due to the location he would hope to find land in.. LOL

 

[Tea Please]

I hope I am not the only one that finds this "offer" less than generous. I actually find it rather selfish. It seems that the inlaws are trying to manipulate the "kids" into thinking thay would be getting their "dream" home, when in fact the inlaws would be getting into an "assisted" living type environment with live in caregivers.

I am a firm beleiver that every marriage deserves and NEEDS space and privacy. The scenario you describe will afford neither for any of the three marriages concerned. Essentially, there will be three seperate families living under the same roof, and I really think, no matter how big the house, it is just too close for comfort. Also, the grandchild(ren) will most likely suffer from being too entwined in adult issues. A child living with three families may not get the benefit of a normal childhood.

All persons involved, should think LONG and HARD before making any type of emotional or financial comittment. Personally, if I were your daughter, I would run as fast as I could.

 

[DMRick]

is because at least 8 months out of the year I could come here to the lake if people were getting on my nerves and I have never totally ruled out the possibility of some

But only as you are able to. You mentioned some time ago about your own health. And of course your daughters health lately has not been good. And I know a little about the in law. What a burden this all could turn out to be. I agree that this may only be a win win situation for the mother in law. If you plan on being one of the people living there, I don't think you should keep your mouth shut. This affects you too much. I can't think of too many instances where this has worked (or even just having either mil living with kids). And it can often be a burden on the younger couples marriage...especially when there is a child being raised in the house, and several different ideas on how that raising should be done. And it's even harder when the grand becomes a teen. Gosh, I'm still shuddering at the thought...I see so many possiblitiles for problems..and I just don't think your daughter needs those problems. Hadn't you mentioned all was not smooth between your daughter and mil?