Well that sucked!

[EMom]

For whatever reason, he's a dolt at gift giving. From now on, when Christmas approaches, accept that he sucks, whether it is from lack of caring or something else. Since it hurts you that he puts essentially no effort into buying your gift when you make an effort to carefully select his, even to the point of failing to listen to your broad hints, (Is it James Avery?) then why don't you stop participating in this torture? Instead say, "Let's each agree to a spending limit of $____ for each other. You buy your gifts and I'll buy mine." He gets what he wants and you'll finally gets something decent.

 

[jt'smom]

He said that he knew I had bought a lot for him on Christmas Eve day or the day before. Plenty of time to shop, we live 10 minutes from 2 major malls and he was off of work the whole week and we didn't have anything to do until 5:30 on Christmas Eve. And frankly, he totally could have said "we are going to XYZ event as well for your present" at the end of opening gifts. We live in a major city with plenty of theater, music, sports, etc. All of which I would like. He could have said we are going to the theater performance of your choice, anything, as he opened gift after gift without a word.

I have to ask this, so please don't be offended. Are you upset that he didn't give you fabulous gifts, or put the same thought into gifts that you did for his, or spend enough money in your opinion? I know you're venting, but this is exactly why I can't stand Christmas. People get so hung up on gift giving. I love my husband, but I really don't give a damn what he gives me for Christmas or birthdays.

 

[mom2grace]

My husband sucks at gift giving too. Last year I got $120 in gift certificates to get a manicure/pedicure. I've never done either. They are still sitting in a drawer.

This year he got me a necklace. It's a Mickey head inside of a large silver heart. It's huge and gaudy. It's terrible. Lol. But it was thoughtful and he got in when we were in Disney. So I'm gonna wear it and smile!

Just focus on what your DH is good at and lower your expectations when it comes to gifts. That's what I had to do. Lol.

We were at Disney in October & my mom took the kids to downtown Disney. DS (12) bought a necklace for me that says Wish. It's not very pretty but I wore it all week!

 

[design_mom]

My father rest his soul was the WORST gift giver ever! Every year my poor mother suffered terrible gift after terrible gift from him. Serious eye rollers. My mom would just smile and say thank you but I could tell she wanted something meaningful/thoughtful from him.

One year we thought he was about to come through. He gave her a little box present. We all expected a pretty piece of jewelry. She opened it and there was a little plastic baggy with a replacement clasp for her necklace. (Maybe $10 bucks at most). She smiled and said thank you but you could just tell she was sooo disappointed. I felt bad for her. She tried so hard every year to make Christmas special and my dad couldn't come through for her.

As I got older I tried my best to make sure she got a nice gift every year. My poor dad was just clueless! About gifts AND just women in general. Lol!!

LOL, my dad needs some help in the gift-giving department. My sister and I have been doing his shopping for the last 30ish years. I honestly can't remember when we started, but I know it was several years before I was old enough to drive (and I'm the eldest). Dad would take us to the mall, give us some cash and sit on a bench while we did the shopping. Now we're both married with teens and one of us will get the yearly call, "I want to get your mother something nice... From me. So, uh, can you help me out?" The only thing that's off limits are appliances. Apparently, he bought her one as a gift in the early 70s and it did not go over well. He REFUSES to get her another one, even if she's asked for one (Kitchenaid mixer, etc). So if she wants anything appliance-like, my sister and I give it to her (from us).

 

[mom2grace]

For whatever reason, he's a dolt at gift giving. From now on, when Christmas approaches, accept that he sucks, whether it is from lack of caring or something else. Since it hurts you that he puts essentially no effort into buying your gift when you make an effort to carefully select his, even to the point of failing to listen to your broad hints, (Is it James Avery?) then why don't you stop participating in this torture? Instead say, "Let's each agree to a spending limit of $____ for each other. You buy your gifts and I'll buy mine." He gets what he wants and you'll finally gets something decent.

Yes! Clearly not costume jewelry style!

 

[lovemygoofy]

He said that he knew I had bought a lot for him on Christmas Eve day or the day before. Plenty of time to shop, we live 10 minutes from 2 major malls and he was off of work the whole week and we didn't have anything to do until 5:30 on Christmas Eve. And frankly, he totally could have said "we are going to XYZ event as well for your present" at the end of opening gifts. We live in a major city with plenty of theater, music, sports, etc. All of which I would like. He could have said we are going to the theater performance of your choice, anything, as he opened gift after gift without a word.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about this and future gift giving. Why not set a budget or specific number of presents for each other or decide not to exchange at all or maybe a big joint gift? Apparently the way it's going now isn't working. I think you have to either reign yourself in or be more gracious giver. After a conversation or two with your husband regarding presents, the only thing you can do is control your actions.

Did he know you wanted to go out on the town to a live event? Was there any voicing of your expectations regarding gifts or reciprocation?

When I first married and we would actually spend Christmas together, my husband complained about Christmas shopping. I told him that this isn't a surprise holiday that just springs up on the calendar. If he can mark special football games, move premieres or other things that is important to him he would also learn to make days that should be important to us both. I also have made it clear over the years what I find special. I'm a card girl. Make it mushy for my anniversary. It's what I want. I've learned to make it clear.

We don't go all out for Christmas typically. We do maybe $150 budget to see what kind of fun things we can get for that price. This year he broke the budget getting me a gorgeous jewelry box but I looked like a miser (not really) because I did not have a "wow" gift for him this year. I knew he loved all I got him and he was appreciative. I love my jewelry box but I loved the chick fila calendar just as much.

Have a conversation with your husband about expectations.

 

[Neesy228]

I hear you! Unless I give my husband a list, with links included, I'm pretty certain he would never buy me anything I liked or wanted. And he's known me for 24 years. This year I just asked him to PLEASE not get me anything for Christmas. And he didn't. And I think he was relieved. I gave him a list of three things for my three children to each pick one item to get for me and wrap, and he did that - mostly. I got two of the three and one not on my list.

I spent many years being sad, hurt and offended that he wouldn't (couldn't?) take the time to find me a gift or be romantic or observant enough to get something that he knew I would like...but I've come to the conclusion that it's just not in his make up to think that way. I find that every holiday, I still think, "I wonder if he is going to surprise me..." but I know it's highly unlikely.

I am the complete opposite of him. I agonize over every gift for everyone and I buy and wrap things with care. I pick up on peoples hints over the course of the year and remember them for Christmas or birthday. So, it's hard for me to understand...but I have decided that he has many, many good qualities that are probably more important than whether or not he can buy me a gift.

 

[mom2grace]

I have to ask this, so please don't be offended. Are you upset that he didn't give you fabulous gifts, or put the same thought into gifts that you did for his, or spend enough money in your opinion? I know you're venting, but this is exactly why I can't stand Christmas. People get so hung up on gift giving. I love my husband, but I really don't give a damn what he gives me for Christmas or birthdays.

That he didn't make an effort.

I do almost everything at home (kids do their own laundry & clean the house with my help). I work part time & am a full time graduate student (4 classes/semester) with a 50 mile commute.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Sounds like the past, are you divorced now?

Yes, but that is a whole ordeal in itself as well.

 

[mom2grace]

Did he know you wanted to go out on the town to a live event? Was there any voicing of your expectations regarding gifts or reciprocation?

This was just an idea of something that he could've done while he was sitting on the couch opening presents and knew that he had nothing significant for me. You know, I would totally panic if it were switched around.

I had no idea until the gift opening was over of course.

 

[mom2grace]

I hear you! Unless I give my husband a list, with links included, I'm pretty certain he would never buy me anything I liked or wanted. And he's known me for 24 years. This year I just asked him to PLEASE not get me anything for Christmas. And he didn't. And I think he was relieved. I gave him a list of three things for my three children to each pick one item to get for me and wrap, and he did that.

I spent many years being sad, hurt and offended that he wouldn't (couldn't?) take the time to find me a gift or be romantic or observant enough to get something that he knew I would like...but after 16 years married, I've come to the conclusion that it's just not in his make up to think that way. I find that every holiday, I still think, "I wonder if he is going to surprise me..." but I know it's highly unlikely.

I am the complete opposite of him. I agonize over every gift for everyone and I buy and wrap things with care. I pick up on peoples hints over the course of the year and remember them for Christmas or birthday. So, it's hard for me to understand...but I have decided that he has many, many good qualities that are probably more important than whether or not he can buy me a gift.

My kids got thoughtful gifts. DD (14) picked out a fondue set on amazon & DS bought crabtree & evelyn hand cream that smells like me & a mom coupon book. He's 12. DH obviously purchased those items for the kids to give me.

 

[sonnyjane]

That he didn't make an effort.

I do almost everything at home (kids do their own laundry & clean the house with my help). I work part time & am a full time graduate student (4 classes/semester) with a 50 mile commute.

This speaks volumes to me. Not really a way to say this without offending somebody but if that's your day-to-day, then I personally wouldn't expect someone who doesn't put forth an effort at home to put forth an effort with gifts.

In the same breath, however, I'll say that someone who silently does everything at home without asserting their need for help probably doesnt assert strongly enough their wants regarding gifts either.

 

[ronandannette]

This was just an idea of something that he could've done while he was sitting on the couch opening presents and knew that he had nothing significant for me. You know, I would totally panic if it were switched around.

I had no idea until the gift opening was over of course.

This is what I meant by attributing your thoughts/feelings/motives to him - he clearly doesn't think the way you do and you're torturing yourself by presuming that he does and is purposely withholding from you.

 

[mom2grace]

This is what I meant by attributing your thoughts/feelings/motives to him - he clearly doesn't think the way you do and you're torturing yourself by presuming that he does and is purposely withholding from you.

But he had to know I would be upset. I bought him a $150 glorified toy!

 

[lovemygoofy]

But he had to know I would be upset. I bought him a $150 glorified toy!

You willingly bought him a $150 toy. You chose to purchase all those items for him. He's not going to know you are upset or disappointed if you don't ever bother to tell him.
Men are good at many things but mind readers have never been their strong suit.

 

[EMom]

"Buy me something at James Avery," is just not that hard. They even have wish lists you can create. Heck, I figured out it was James Avery from her initial post. Now, if my DH had to buy me jewelry, he'd be up a creek because I am beyond picky. Odds are, he would fail at pleasing me because I am that selective. So I don't expect it. But if I asked him to buy something from JA and he bought me some plastic costume jewelry, I'd be upset because I'd made it easy and he ignored even that. So I get why she's upset. That's why I suggest she stop knocking herself out for him when he's clearly not even trying. Some men are just bad at it and that's one thing. But I think he falls into another category of the ones who don't even try. I'm wondering if he walked into JA, saw the line that always exists at this time of year, and walked right out.

 

[mom2grace]

"Buy me something at James Avery," is just not that hard. They even have wish lists you can create. Heck, I figured out it was James Avery from her initial post. Now, if my DH had to buy me jewelry, he'd be up a creek because I am beyond picky. Odds are, he would fail at pleasing me because I am that selective. So I don't expect it. But if I asked him to buy something from JA and he bought me some plastic costume jewelry, I'd be upset because I'd made it easy and he ignored even that. So I get why she's upset. That's why I suggest she stop knocking herself out for him when he's clearly not even trying. Some men are just bad at it and that's one thing. But I think he falls into another category of the ones who don't even try. I'm wondering if he walked into JA, saw the line that always exists at this time of year, and walked right out.

It's funny. He's Texan but we live in the midwest. So no stores except when we go to TX. He would have to order online or catalog.

And it's a big deal to his family that I like it.

He just doesn't try.

 

[mom2grace]

You willingly bought him a $150 toy. You chose to purchase all those items for him. He's not going to know you are upset or disappointed if you don't ever bother to tell him.
Men are good at many things but mind readers have never been their strong suit.

Trust me, he knows I'm upset.

 

[NewRVLady]

My DH did good"..got me the slide to picture to computer thingy I wanted
And stuck a jewelry box in the big wrapped box also...he Actually LISTENS to me when I said I lost my silver hoop earrings -but he got me white gold

I would never never never ask for clothes from him...never

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Let me chime in as a DH who struggles to buy gifts. DW used to be real easy to buy for. These days, she just buys whatever she wants all year long. New CD or movie comes out on DVD a week before her birthday? 10 years ago, I'd have been all over that. Nowadays, she doesn't even wait to see if she's going to get it - she just gets it. And clothes? HA! I actually have better luck shopping for my 15 year old daughter. And frankly, she's encroaching so far into my section of the closet now the last thing she needs is more clothes.

Don't get me wrong, I try & on occasion I knock it out of it park. But, it's a struggle each and every year.