Well, I need some advice....kid related

[mudnuri]

You may recall DBF does not do christmas...... last night DD9 asked me if he would come over and decorate the tree with us, I said no that he doesnt do christmas, remember? She said yeah. walked away...

comes back and says- well what does he do kwanza or hanakah? I said neither goo....

I sent him a text, regarding what she said, and when he came over later he asked me if I told them WHY he doesnt do christmas. I said that I hadnt, but if he wanted me to, I would.

He doesnt want them to think he's a grouch, or grinch or whatever, but wants them to understand it has nothing to do with them, or me or anything like that.

So do I tell them the reason? That his x took his kids and left on christmas day with someone else? I know I wont say that, but I'm thinking if I do tell them, what will be said is that because he cant have his kids on the holidays, they are not as special to him, and it makes him sad. And that not everyone gets along like their father and I do....which they know because of their uncle's divorce....

???? to tell or not to tell?
Brandy

 

[bsnyder]

JMO, but the whole thing sounds too heavy for a 9 year old. I wouldn't say anything. And I'd just downplay the whole idea that he doesn't "do" Christmas. Hopefully, that's a temporary thing for him, so why make a big deal about it to a child.

 

[SC Minnie]

Explain only what a 9yo needs and can handle knowing. Maybe tell her that Christmas is a sad time for him because he misses his kids.

 

[GoofieRuthie]

I would tell them that it is a sad day for him. That he may someday be able to celebrate it again, but for now, it is just too painful. Hopefully, if you all are serious, he will come to enjoy the holiday with your family someday. Good luck. Kids are smarter than we think, so a simple explaination without too many details might do the trick.

 

[mudnuri]

well, we "DO" christmas so for her to see someone that doesnt, totally blows her mind.

it's not like he doesnt 'wear a jacket in the snow".....if you KWIM

Brandy

 

[NMAmy]

You know, I agree with bsnyder. Why dump all that on a kid? Just say that he doesn't like to celebrate the holiday and leave it at that.

I've read some of your earlier posts and I guess I don't really understand why this is such a big issue. I'm not trying to be mean--I'm honestly curious. I'm sure at some point, he'll become interested in celebrating again.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Explain only what a 9yo needs and can handle knowing. Maybe tell her that Christmas is a sad time for him because he misses his kids.

Perfect!

 

[mickeyboat]

I would not burden your 9 year old with it, either. I can't imagine that she could comprehend that his sadness would continue to make him dislike the holiday, especially when she would like him to be a part of your happy Christmas celebration.

I do have to say as insensitive as this sounds, that if he is going to become an important part of your lives, he is going to have to "get over it" - stop dwelling in the past and make new, good memories of the season. I can see this being a real sticking point in your relationship in the future.

Denae

 

[C.Ann]

I know I wont say that, but I'm thinking if I do tell them, what will be said is that because he cant have his kids on the holidays, they are not as special to him, and it makes him sad.
Brandy

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I would tell her this much and see if it's enough.. I imagine it sounds very strange to a 9 yr. old that someone "doesn't do Christmas" and more than anything, she's just curious..

And as a side note, don't give up on the DBF and his lack of interest in the holidays.. Many, many years ago my DH's ex walked out and left him to raise their 5 children alone.. (The youngest wasn't even a year old yet..) She never really exercised any visitation and at most, saw them once or twice a year.. Eight and a half years later his ex married a very wealthy man, went to court and gained custody of the kids.. By then, he and I were involved and believe me, he wanted NO part of the holidays whatsoever.. I had 3 children of my own from a previous marriage and little by little, after being around them, his attitude began to change.. It took awhile, but after a couple of years he was totally gung ho about the holidays and remained that way until the day he died..

Give your DD a simple explanation and give your DBF the time and space he needs.. He may just end up surprising you one of these days..

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly, if he cannot handle the reason, it should not be told to a 9yo. I would say that it would be healthier for him to accept what happened and move on but that is for you guys to work out.

I think bsynder has it right. Give a simple explanation. If you told my 9yodd something like that she would think she could try and "fix it" or make it better.

 

[Mom2Ashli]

Explain only what a 9yo needs and can handle knowing. Maybe tell her that Christmas is a sad time for him because he misses his kids.

That is exactly what I was going to suggest. Something simple that they can understand.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

Explain only what a 9yo needs and can handle knowing. Maybe tell her that Christmas is a sad time for him because he misses his kids.

I like this answer as well. If you are a praying family I would also dedicate some prayer time for his heart to heal.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

Guess I don't see why the truth would be too heavy for her. She already knows about divorce, right? She knows that he was married before and has kids that no longer lives with him, right? Why is it so much worse to tell him that Christmas was the day that his wife left with his kids? (I would leave out the "with someone else" part). If it were my dd, I'd start with "something sad happened to him on Christmas once, so every Christmas he remembers and is too sad to celebrate. That might be the end of it, or more likely, dd would press for "what sad thing happened?" and I'd just tell her "that's the day his wife took his kids and left him".

She's your dd, so you know her better than we do. If you don't think she can handle that info, I'd go with the "he misses his kids" thing. I wouldn't say the thing about Christmas not being special because he can't have his kids. Sometimes, kids will internalize stuff like that and her reaction might be that she thinks he doesn't think she is special enough to celebrate with. Although again, you know her best and you know better than I if she might react that way.

Good luck!

 

[cepmom]

I say you should tell her enough information that she can understand. In her world, it probably seems strange to have someone not celebrate any holiday this time of year (her asking if her didn't celebrate Christmas, what does he celebrate) I would just say that Christmas is a very sad time for him and when he celebrates Christmas it is too painful for him. A 9 year old child is old enough to hear that IMHO. Like a previous poster has already pointed out, she know about divorce already and she is old enough to understand that not all divorced families get along like your does. Just be honest with her, but maybe not go into such detail about the wife leaving with someone else and all the nasty details (not that I think you would)

 

[marybet]

I think I would tell the BF to put the feelings of a nine year old ahead of his old hatreds. He is an adult and he could make the effort. Does not celebrating the holidays make him feel better? Does he just enjoy wallowing in self pity? I doubt if his wife left him because it was Christmas, he needs to seperate the act from the day. This is JMHO but he needs to grow up and start thinking about others needs not just his own.

 

[Microcell]

How about not telling the details, but explaining that he misses his kids, she can understand that because she can relate being a child of divorce.

Then, how about incorporating your child's love for Christmas into giving to your BF. Maybe you both can think of something special or meaningful to do for him to cement the meaningfulness of giving. Maybe clean his house as a surprise, or make him a special gift.

 

[horseshowmom]

I think I would tell the BF to put the feelings of a nine year old ahead of his old hatreds. He is an adult and he could make the effort. Does not celebrating the holidays make him feel better? Does he just enjoy wallowing in self pity? I doubt if his wife left him because it was Christmas, he needs to seperate the act from the day. This is JMHO but he needs to grow up and start thinking about others needs not just his own.

I know somebody that something very similar happened to (relating to Christmas). It was devastating. I can really understand why he feels this way, and he has my sincere sympathy. I think he's made some steps (with the tree, etc.), but I don't think it would be fair to force "Christmas feelings" on him. He'll come around as he works through all of this.

I think what the others said is enough - that he misses his kids.

 

[C.Ann]

I know somebody that something very similar happened to (relating to Christmas). It was devastating. I can really understand why he feels this way, and he has my sincere sympathy. I think he's made some steps (with the tree, etc.), but I don't think it would be fair to force "Christmas feelings" on him. He'll come around as he works through all of this..

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I agree.. And although my feelings may be jaded because I saw my own DH go through this himself many years ago, I wonder how many hugs and doses of pixie dust would be floating around here if it were a "mom" that was feeling this way..

Maybe "dad's" feelings just don't count..

 

[Miss Jasmine]

This is a fairly new relationship, isn't it? I think I would tell the bare minimum. No need for all the details. Somteimes I think we forget our kids are kids and overload them with information. I like the...it's a sad time for him explanation.

And no he shouldn't suck it up for the OPs kids. Men have feelings too, and I cannot think of anything more devastating than losing your kids, no matter the day of the year.

 

[C.Ann]

And no he shouldn't suck it up for the OPs kids. Men have feelings too, and I cannot think of anything more devastating than losing your kids, no matter the day of the year.

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I totally agree..