Here's my last one. Actually there are more, but I think this one takes the cake.
A close friend was getting married for the first time at age 42 or so. She had met the guy online and within three months they announced their engagement. He had two teens from a previous marriage, she had one teen from a previous relationship. They pushed back the wedding date a couple of times, both sets of kids were dead set against it. His ex-wife had threatened to "beat the crap" out of my friend on her wedding day if she went through with it.
I had never met the guy but had talked to him on the phone, and something about him rubbed me the wrong way.
Anyhow, DH and I drive seven hours to the town where the wedding will be taking place and arrive in the afternoon about three hours before the rehearsal. I've got my bridesmaids gown and shoes all ready. We get checked into our hotel, and the bride calls, asking if we could help her with a few things.
That ends up being several hours of errands running all over the place taking care of thing that they should ahve done a week ago, making us late for the rehearsal by about ten minutes. The groom immediately gives me the cold shoulder because it's MY fault that we are late, even though it was THIER wedding related errands we've been out running around for. Including paying for thier flowers--the bride had given me the cash for the bill--not including the tax, so we had forked over about $30 in tax out of our pocket.
Rehearsal goes off fine, rehearsal dinner is baked ziti in the church basement and cans of soda to drink. No salad, no rolls, no dessert. Whatever. So we drop the bride off at the smallest hotel room I've ever seen in my life where she's going to spend the night. It was scarey, there looked to be a lot of rather unsavory types hanging around. She had told me she was booked at some swanky place, apparantly she changed at the last minute due to budget constraints.
We go back to our hotel, and the next morning go back to the hotel where the bride is staying. I help her into her dress, and notice she's not wearing a bra. OK, mental picture, she's 40+ years old, two pregnancies (she lost one late-term) 5'2" and about 160 pounds and a very full "C". She NEEDED a bra.
I asked her "Um, aren't you putting a bra on?" She tells me that no, a strapless bra cost too much money and her boo-bah's are "perky" enough!
Whatever. At this point it's too late anyhow. So the other three bridemaids show up. We were wearing
bright pink tea length dresses for a fall wedding in New England. They probably would have been nice for Easter Sunday mass. I will say that at least the were age appropriate for her 34-55 year old bridesmaids. Anyhow, we were all supposed to be in the same color/style Hanes hose. one of the bridesmaids decided that she had a whole drawer full of hose, and she wasn't going to buy new ones just to match. Remember--tea length dresses. Three of us with a sheer light taupe hose, one with orangey "Suntan" colored hose. Another bridesmaid had bought a similar but different pair of shoes because "she liked them better."
OK, we have a bottle of champagne, and DH drives the bride, one of the bridesmaids and I all to the church. (He had left to run yet more errands for her, then came back. He drew the line at going to their house to clean the cat box!!!
) The B&G didn't hire a limo, and DH had been "appointed" their driver for the day.
So we get to the church, it's a typical older church, nice enough, except the police department had an officer stationed outside the church to watch for the ex! The organist started to play--
and sing--and it sounded like someone was skinning a cat.
The mother of the groom was escorted down the aisle, her knee high stockings looked just lovely with the knee length dress.
The rest of the actual ceremony was pretty uneventful except the cat skinning which continued here and there.
After the wedding we all went to the reception hall. They weren't ready for us--we were about ten minutes before the appointed "start time" of the reception--and had to wait in the parking lot. We finally got inside, and it was this cheap dark wood paneled room with a low ceiling. The DJ started playing. He was wearing black jeans, a tux shirt with no tie. a vest, and white high tops. And he had a mullet.
It was cash bar. I can handle that. The bar had a very limited selection. There were no appetizers, no cocktail hour. It became quickly obvious that this place doesn't do weddings.
About half an hour after we got there, they brought all the food out at once and dumped it onto a couple of folding tables that didn't even have table cloths on them! The "appetizers which were a veggie plate and cheese platter and crackers were brought out at the same time as the buffet food for the main course--which was closer to what you would expect at a family picnic. Baked ziti, backed chicken, salads, cold rolls, and a
deli tray!
The bride and groom got up to do the first dance, thier song was "Love Bites" by Def Leppard!
The DJ played the worst music, I think everyone of his CD's came from the dollar bin.
Then the groom's two sisters got into a fistfight because the bible thumper said something rude to the lesbian's partner. The normal sister--one of the bridesmaids--tries to break them up and ends up on her butt withher skirt around her waist. So half the grooms family packs up and leaves. One of them made a production about taking her wedding gift off the table on the way out the door!
Then they decided to cut the cake. OK, here's the scoop on that. The groom decided that since he's a gourmet cook (his specialty is elbow noodles with a jar of Cheese Wiz, a can of crushed tomatoes, and diced SPAM--I'm not making this up, I swear!) he can make the wedding cake. He made this lopsided mound of cake with this odd colored kind of yellowish icing. I've been in their home, once--never agin it was that dirty, so I wouldn't touch the cake. Ish!
Finally the day was over, and DH and I went back to our hotel and they got us a reservation at a nice restaurant for dinner that night.
That was the wedding from hell.
Anne
. He also talked about how everyone says marriage is to be forever, but since eventually you die it isn't really forever 
Yeah, right! My mom would STILL like to give him a piece of her mind!!!
