Wedding shower vent (long!)

[Hillbeans]

. I have to admit I was a little put off by the expensive requests by him for the shower, but he honestly is a nice, generous guy and I think he probaby was pretty oblivious to the amount of money this was all adding up to. My other sister and I should have just put our foot down and said no, but we thought we were dividing everything by 3 at the time so the costs were high, but not as bad as they ended up.

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I have also shared it with my other sister and we're still deciding how to best approach this. We know we're basically stuck with this woman forever now too, especially once my sister has children, so we don't want to cause a huge rift between the families, but also hate looking like doormats.

Sorry to hear the crummy situation you are going through. Unfortunately, i've been on both sides of the coin. For my own wedding, my BF from High School didn't have much money and stiffed my friends for the shower they threw for me (she lived out of town and would only be attending the wedding). My friends were bitter and looking in from the outside I can't blame them. If the "bridal party" is throwing a shower, everyone should contribute their fair share. My only issue to defend my friend was that she did tell them up front she was broke but she said she'd make payments on a payment plan which I don't think ever happened. I lost one friend from that fiasco for good, and that was a shame.

We just threw a bridal shower last weekend for a friend who is getting married in December. I spent close to $400 on my share (1200 total divided by 3), and we had less than 40 people. We made the choice to serve wine at the event, and the wine bill came to close to $300 alone - honestly i'd never serve liquor at an event like this again because it really put the cost way up!

 

[Lizzy2]

That's another thread in itself! My parents are paying for the wedding. The groom's parents have already invited over 100 people and my sister told me yesterday that she asked her to let her know if she gets any declines because she wants to invite more. My parents have a very large home, and the grooms mother said to my sister, "why not, they can afford it."

Besides the fact that the size of my parents home doesn't mean that they have endless amounts of money to throw around (quite the opposite in fact) Regardless, who says something like that?

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I appreciate all the input!

And your sister is putting up with your parents being taken advantage of like this? You have got to be kidding me! Let me tell you one thing, if someone ever tried to mess with my folks like this there would most likely be no wedding. Does your future BIL know what the women in his family are doing and saying? Is he mortified? Has your sis actually thought twice about marrying into this family? Believe me, with these kind of people this is only the beginning.

 

[Jynohn]

My other question, which I may have missed you say the answer, is:

Did this girl specificly say, "I agree to pay for a third of the shower." ?

If she did not say that, then it could be that she thought you were putting it on and just wanted her opinion?

Yes, she did. My other sister put together a spreadsheet detailing all the costs and the total amount divided by three. We asked if she agreed to the budget and she said "ok."

 

[magicmato]

Yes, she did. My other sister put together a spreadsheet detailing all the costs and the total amount divided by three. We asked if she agreed to the budget and she said "ok."

Well, then I say she is just being passive aggressive and snotty.

Talk to your sister or BIL and let them know the deal and let them handle it. Beyond that, do not invite her to your shindigs and enjoy your life.

 

[Jynohn]

And your sister is putting up with your parents being taken advantage of like this? You have got to be kidding me! Let me tell you one thing, if someone ever tried to mess with my folks like this there would most likely be no wedding. Does your future BIL know what the women in his family are doing and saying? Is he mortified? Has your sis actually thought twice about marrying into this family? Believe me, with these kind of people this is only the beginning.

My sister has no idea that any of this has gone on other than the comment from her MIL about my parents being able to afford all their extra guests. We've deliberately kept it from her up to this point because we know she'll just feel terrible about the huge expense and try to make it up to us somehow, which is not what we want.

I'm not sure if my future BIL knows anything about this either. He really is a good guy, and we all like him a lot. I know my sister is in for a world of misery with these people for inlaws, but the alternative is for her to break off the wedding with an otherwise great guy, which would break her heart (and honestly, ours too).

 

[magicmato]

Could someone nicely tell the fiance that his family is being a major PITA and see what he says? Maybe he could whip them into line?

 

[swea_pea1]

I was in a wedding once where I was the only bridesmaid that was out of town. I did get asked for money for the shower even though I had no involvement in the planning. I was fine with that - it was a party for my friend and I was happy to do it. But, the other bridesmaids did nothing but fight and argue through the entire planning process. And they each called the bride daily to fill her in on the sordid details and to give their side of the story.

It was awful. The bride would call me almost daily in tears because everybody was fighting. It was not a happy occasion for her and it should have been! Even after the shower was over and the guests were gone, the bickering continued. She ended up feeling so guilty that her bridesmaids were at each other's throats and a nervous wreck about what her wedding day was going to be like.

IMO, I would absolutely not share this with your sister or her fiance. A warning will do little good - once they are married it will be "their" money and the groom can deal with his sister for any amount she may owe to them and doesn't pay. If they are as close as you say, the groom may decide to forgive her and that will be a compromise made within their marriage.

That being said, I would go after her with all the persistence of a pit bull. She does owe you the money and should know that you hold her accountable. Meet with her in person and explain that with all the other financial obligations of the wedding, you can't afford to absorb her cost of the shower. If she tells your sister her side first and your sister asks, then simply respond that you are dealing with it and you love her too much to sully her special day.

Unfortunely unless this woman grows a conscience, you'll probably have to write it off as a lesson learned. In your heart though, you'll know you did the right thing for your sister.

 

[rie'smom]

If the SIL doesn't pay go to the mother that invited all the guests and tell her you could not get reimbursed from the daughter as she agreed to and ask for her help.

This was my thought. It's a shame that a grown woman still needs her mother to teach her manners.

 

[lowie]

Before we committed to anything, my sister put together an excel spreadsheet detailing a cost breakdown and how much it would come out to divided by 3 people. The SIL agreed to that amount, but at no point offered to send a check.
I..

oops, sounds like she never agreed to pay $600, she just thought your spreadsheet looked good! this is why traditional showers are best, no men and no open bar! right there you could have cut your costs in half. i'd chalk it up to a misunderstanding, expect nothing from the future SIL and learn a valueable lesson!