***wedding shower questions & gifts*** help please

[Pumbaa_]

When my DB got married, I hosted the bridal shower but my Mom paid for it (mom rocks ) I took care of the favors and the invitations.

For showers, for family, Mom, SIL and I tend to go in on it. Again, Mom usually insists on paying for all of us and we spend typically $100. However, I usually do the shopping and find deals. For the last cousin that got married, I was able to capitalize on some great sales and got $200 worth of items on her registry for $75

Here shower gifts are independent of wedding gifts.

 

[KelNottAt]

I was very uncomfortable when MIL surprised me with a bridal shower. Must be a Jersey thing. It's pretty uncommon around here.

One of my irrational fears is that one of my kids will marry someone who is used to the custom of mothers hosting showers. Then, since that's not MY custom, I'll be the bad guy for assuming someone else will do it. Yes, I know. Irrational.

 

[okeydokey]

I spend about $25 for the shower and between $25-$50 for the wedding. Call me cheap, but I am not paying $120 for the pillowcases you put on your registry.

 

[crewriam816]

I spend about $25 for the shower and between $25-$50 for the wedding. Call me cheap, but I am not paying $120 for the pillowcases you put on your registry.

agreed. My friend was buying a gift for her friends wedding, and the friend wanted a vegetable tray that cost 439.00!!!! HOLY MOLY!!! Im not giving you a vegetable platter, that youll use TWICE for 439! She looked on her registry and found something elegant, for $40. Now that's within my price range.

 

[ptmmg]

I think when people register for things that are expensive they are not thinking one person will get it. I know I have 2 sisters and when we get invited to a shower instead of each buying a cheaper gift we pitch in together and get something bigger on the registry.

 

[crewriam816]

no they were expecting someone to buy it...someone bought them a knife for $300. A lot of people spent over $200 for a gift. THese people will never use any of it! I dont see the point in buying something someone "wants" rather than something they will "use" or "need".

 

[Ciao Mickey]

In New Jersey it's common for the bride's mother to pay for the bridal shower.

You have to understand that these bridal showers are not given in a church hall, Elk's Lodge, Moose Hall, or someone's backyard, living room or basement.

The bridal showers are given in expensive restaurants or catering halls, which can cost almost as much as a wedding.

The mother of the bride foots most of the bill, and if the bridal party wants to chip in, they can.

Right or wrong, tacky or not, that's how it's done here.

 

[Rootskate]

The bridal showers are given in expensive restaurants or catering halls, which can cost almost as much as a wedding.

Same here. People really go all out for these things.

 

[mafibisha]

I was very uncomfortable when MIL surprised me with a bridal shower. Must be a Jersey thing. It's pretty uncommon around here.

One of my irrational fears is that one of my kids will marry someone who is used to the custom of mothers hosting showers. Then, since that's not MY custom, I'll be the bad guy for assuming someone else will do it. Yes, I know. Irrational.

Its also uncommon (and improper) for a mil or mom to give the shower around here too.

I also share your fear, especially having daughters! Their weddings alone will surely set us back big time, eeks!

Unless - someone PLEASE tell me the cost of weddings is being shared more these days!?

(Oh, and I'm the OP so thanks for the replies everyone.)

 

[KelNottAt]

In New Jersey it's common for the bride's mother to pay for the bridal shower.

You have to understand that these bridal showers are not given in a church hall, Elk's Lodge, Moose Hall, or someone's backyard, living room or basement.

The bridal showers are given in expensive restaurants or catering halls, which can cost almost as much as a wedding.

The mother of the bride foots most of the bill, and if the bridal party wants to chip in, they can.

Right or wrong, tacky or not, that's how it's done here.

Well, my NJ MIL hosted my shower in her living room with onion soup dip, sherbet punch, a deli platter from Acme, and homemade cake. Once I got over the initial shock that she was hosting, it was quite lovely, actually.

Learning now that the local custom is something much more elaborate, I am very touched by what she did with a small budget and humble location.

 

[r4blessings]

I know that here (on Long Island) it is very common for mothers and/or mother-in-laws and bridesmaids to host bridal showers. My mom hosted my bridal shower and my MIL and my bridesmaids all chipped in for the cost of food, favors, tents etc.

Here on Long Island weddings are typically full blown affairs and so as a result the gifts are usually monetary and usually in the 100's depending upon the amount of people attending. I know when DH and I attend a wedding we try to at least give enough to "cover" our plate. It doesn't bother me what people register for as far as shower gifts b/c I spend what I can afford and know that it is something that they like. I know at my DH's school they have a sunshine club that they contribute to each year that buys birthday gifts and shower gifts and the like from work too.

That being said though, when I got married I had several relatives from out of state who attended and gave presents rather than money and in a significantly lower price bracket than other gifts. And that was fine by me and DH, b/c we weren't inviting them to get money, but rather share our day and were touched by ALL our gifts.

But as far as moms or MIL's paying for the shower.....I think etiquette books are out of date as far as saying its a no-no. Because those same books say that the bride's family should pay for the wedding and that really doesn't happen around here anymore. DH and I paid for our wedding. My parents gave us a certain amount but it was only a small percentage of what the wedding cost. It was all they could afford and we knew that and saved and paid for our own wedding. So it was very special that my mom threw my shower.

 

[momofpirates]

After reading how much some of you spend on shower and wedding gifts, I'm asking my husband for a divorce, moving to NJ and getting remarried!

When we got married 18 years ago, we didn't even think about the gifts, we just wanted to get married. We had over 300 people at our wedding and 400 at the reception. We couldn't even register for that many gifts. Our aunts and a best friend from school and one from work hosted the four showers I had. My brothers hosted the bachelor party.

It really was about celebrating the start of our life together with our family and friends and not the gifts. Some of our favorite gifts were things like personalized Christmas ornaments, hand stitched quilt (from his grandmother), and a personalized photo album with pictures from both sides of our family.

Today I say we spend about $50-75 on the wedding gift. If I'm invited to the shower, I would spend between $25-$30, if I was also invited to the wedding. No wedding invite means no shower gift or attendance in my book.

 

[jrogalny]

My mom threw my bridal shower. I was so happy to see her soooo thrilled being part of my wedding. My mom lives in Florida while I'm up here in the Windy City. She was tickled pink to be throwing the shower. I'm her only daughter and it meant the world to her being able to do that for us.

 

[dkdaisy]

In my family, we had 5 weddings in one year (this was last year, my wedding was in there too). For all of them, the aunts hosted the bridal shower (this is my mom's extended family - cousins, etc - so there were lots of aunts!).

My aunts on both sides of the family hosted the shower at one aunt's house. However, my DH's family and my MILs friends wanted to attend a shower and they were all in South Dakota (I was in Michigan, as was my shower). So my MIL hosted a "Bridal" shower for my DH. She invited couples and made my DH be the guest of honor. They had a lot of fun with it. I think its becoming more and more "proper" to do what is necessary for your family and your situation.

As for gifts, I usually do $25 -$50 for the shower and we do cash for the wedding $100-$200 depending on how close we are. This is comparable to what we got for our wedding (though we did get quite a few gifts too for the wedding). I think how much you give is totally up to how much you have. If you can afford a total of $50 for both events, then that is the proper amount. If you can afford and want to give a $100 shower gift and a $300 wedding gift, then more power to ya. Do what fits your budget and how you feel about the people (is it your sister, daughter, best friend or a cousin you've since 3 times since high school - kwim?)