Wedding RSVPs not returned

[Dakota731]

Deadline for my daughter’s wedding RSVP is this week and only one third have been returned. So do we need to call people who don’t respond? After talking to friends, I’m finding this is a current problem nowadays. What is the problem with people when a stamp and envelope are provided and all you need to do is drop it in the mail? I didn’t have to call anyone for my own wedding a generation ago so not sure why I have to be a Mommy for grown adults. This is a sad commentary on good manners and respect for others in our society!

 

[Disneylover99]

Deadline for my daughter’s wedding RSVP is this week and only one third have been returned. So do we need to call people who don’t respond? After talking to friends, I’m finding this is a current problem nowadays. What is the problem with people when a stamp and envelope are provided and all you need to do is drop it in the mail? I didn’t have to call anyone for my own wedding a generation ago so not sure why I have to be a Mommy for grown adults. This is a sad commentary on good manners and respect for others in our society!

Old fashioned mail delivery is kind of obsolete. I know lots of people who hardly even glance at their mail because they assume most of it is junk. I bet some of the invitations were accidentally tossed. I’d call or send an email.

 

[Southernmiss]

Call. Send a text. Use social media.

I know when we married 30 years ago, we just planned and invited.
I don't remember asking for RSVPs.

When our son married 2 years ago, those invited on our side, we could guarantee 90 percent would be there and they were.

Snail mail is becoming passe to the millennial generation.

 

[Alesia]

This isn't a new problem. My copy of Emily Post from 1962 talks about it. People are just inconsiderate -- always have been, always will be. Yes, it is perfectly appropriate to call them, and yes, it will be a giant PITA

 

[LBHouse]

If I had to reserve a spot at a party/wedding/reception I wouldn't bother going. Sorry, I don't consider it poor manners, just not my type of crowd. If someone called/texted and invited me I would respond with an honest yes/no.

 

[MKTokyo]

We sent paper invitations but gave the option of online RSVP. A couple of weeks before we wanted them back, we posted the RSVP link on (private) social media to family/friends as a reminder. In the end, we only had to call one of my older relatives who thought telling Alexa to RSVP had worked.

You have to meet people where they are. Plenty of people don't want to go the online route & think it's not special enough for a wedding, but all I can say is... do you want the RSVPs back or not?

 

[barkley]

when i coordinated weddings in the late 80's/got married myself in the 90's the rule of thumb was to go with the number that rsvp'd 'yes' b/c generally those that said 'yes' and did not show would balance out w/those who did not respond but showed up. with the price many people pay for receptions these days i would likely reach out.

 

[Ellie008]

We had 60-70% rsvp at our wedding a long time ago. Of the remaining people, some we called, some we just assumed it was a no.

 

[Ellie008]

I think the deal is that people don't want to commit themselves. They will go if nothing better comes along. Or if they feel like it when the time gets closer. I think they get the invite and think they will put off RSVP until closer to the deadline and then just honestly forget about it.
I find this with kid parties ALL THE TIME. Seriously, I'm only inviting you two weeks in advance, you should know by now if you can attend. But no, you have to hound people to let you know.

 

[Silvermist999]

I get it for kids bday parties (been through all that for my kids) but I find that when my kids invite close friends, they will always respond right away, especially when they can’t make it. It is either a yes or a no. For not so close friends where the parents don’t know one another, it’s simply they just done care.

The same issue applies to wedding invites. It’s not a kids party. It’s a wedding where planning is involved and costs for the meals and venue need to be taken into account. For my wedding, I didn’t bother to chase down a few non responders, just assumed they would not show up, and we didn’t include them in our numbers.

But for 2/3 invitees? Definitely call them up or send an email follow up to get a definite answer.

 

[piccolopat]

Some of the problem is as described by other PP here. I would like to suggest that perhaps one other reason is that sometimes we invite people that are a little more on the fringe of our lives. For weddings that might be cousins we haven't seen in a while or friends from college that we don't socialize with regularly. For kids parties, it can be "friends" from school that they don't do things with outside of the classroom. I think people to whom you are really important in their lives will respond while others may wait to see if something better comes up and then they simply forget to respond. I like the option of responding via email, messaging, etc. in addition to the traditional RSVP card.

 

[easyas123]

[QUOTE="Dakota731, post: 61129834, member: 512382" so not sure why I have to be a Mommy for grown adults. This is a sad commentary on good manners and respect for others in our society![/QUOTE]

I'm not sure either, but I also find it beyond annoying.

 

[crazycatstacy]

We did social media and traditional RSVP's last year when my daughter got married and people still ignored it or said they would be there and didn't show. It is so frustrating and I honestly think people don't understand until they actually are doing an event. I put on my daughter's Facebook invite that no feelings would be hurt if you couldn't come or didn't want to come, but I was paying per head for food and needed a number to make sure we had enough food without having way too much. Her wedding was small and we only invited people that were actively involved in her life. I will also say that it wasn't just the younger generation who did not RSVP or did not stick to their RSVP.

 

[mjkacmom]

If I had to reserve a spot at a party/wedding/reception I wouldn't bother going. Sorry, I don't consider it poor manners, just not my type of crowd. If someone called/texted and invited me I would respond with an honest yes/no.

It’s definitely not poor manners not to attend, but the hosts need to let the venue know the head count. Just put a check mark next to “not attend” and stick it in your mailbox.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think the deal is that people don't want to commit themselves. They will go if nothing better comes along. Or if they feel like it when the time gets closer. I think they get the invite and think they will put off RSVP until closer to the deadline and then just honestly forget about it.
I find this with kid parties ALL THE TIME. Seriously, I'm only inviting you two weeks in advance, you should know by now if you can attend. But no, you have to hound people to let you know.

I always waited until the last minute (a few days before) for classmates parties, but with enough time for the host to give numbers to the venue, especially young kids where I’d be expected to attend. I had 5 very over scheduled kids, and carving out a few hours on a weekend for a birthday party was low on my priority list. I also gave out birthday invitations a week before my kids’ parties (their close friends already knew the date, since I’d check with their parents before scheduling the parties).

 

[crisi]

If I had to reserve a spot at a party/wedding/reception I wouldn't bother going. Sorry, I don't consider it poor manners, just not my type of crowd. If someone called/texted and invited me I would respond with an honest yes/no.

How do you expect your hosts to know how many people to feed if people don't RSVP? Or do you only go to cake and punch receptions - although even there its nice to know if I need a cake for 60 or for 300? Or do you value your friends and family so little that attending their weddings isn't a priority for you?

You may not consider it poor manners, but you either do not care for your hosts stress levels in being able to feed everyone who attends, or you don't value the people in your life. That's actually worse than bad manners.

I've baked wedding cakes for friends, and knowing how many people are going to show up is really important in right sizing everything about a wedding. And if venues and dances and dinners aren't your thing, you could at least let them know you aren't attending so they can figured out if the cake needs to feed another 40 people.

I've also been to a lot of weddings with budgets - and often times the bride and groom would like to invite people, but they couldn't fit that number into their budget. If they know who isn't coming, they can invite coworkers or second cousins or more distant friends - that they would have liked to invite but ran out of room.

 

[SharonZ]

How many people does this involve? I would call and ask (or leave a message), saying that you were attempting to get a final head count for the wedding, and whether they planned on attending. If you leave a message, I would say that you are considering them to be non-attendees, if you don't receive a response.

 

[tzolkin]

If I had to reserve a spot at a party/wedding/reception I wouldn't bother going. Sorry, I don't consider it poor manners, just not my type of crowd. If someone called/texted and invited me I would respond with an honest yes/no.

I have never attended (or even known of) a wedding that did not ask for people to RSVP. You really would not even attend wedding of a family member just on principle because they sent out invitations and asked people to RSVP?

 

[MomOTwins]

Deadline for my daughter’s wedding RSVP is this week and only one third have been returned. So do we need to call people who don’t respond? After talking to friends, I’m finding this is a current problem nowadays. What is the problem with people when a stamp and envelope are provided and all you need to do is drop it in the mail? I didn’t have to call anyone for my own wedding a generation ago so not sure why I have to be a Mommy for grown adults. This is a sad commentary on good manners and respect for others in our society!

I think you are worrying too much because as you say, the deadline has not passed yet. People see a deadline and will RSVP on the deadline or not before. It is hard to plan to commit to a wedding--people need to make travel arrangements if out of town, get permission to be off work, get babysitters, just coordinate around everything else in their lives.

 

[Ellie008]

I didn't catch that the RSVP date hadn't even passed yet!
I would give it a week after the RSVP date before you start calling people. There will be some that are mailed the day of or day after the RSVP date, you won't get them all for a while yet.