Wedding question? *UPDATE POST 64*

[Disney Doll]

She pretty much is always like that. She assumes (you know what happens when you assume) she knows whats really going on and likes to point out what everyone is doing wrong(in her mind). Its like she has a book of rules and if you don't follow what she thinks you should be doing, she lets you know you are wrong.

The saddest thing is if you even question why she is doing something her standard answer is "don't question what I'm doing".

Well, then you have the perfect response to your mother when you do something she doesn't agree with.

Say "Mom, don't question what I'm doing" and move on to do what you need to do.

Realistically, you are not going to change Mom, so you just have to do what you think is best and ignore her. As a PP pointed out, it is a character issue and most people don't change their character.

 

[Disney Doll]

What do I say?

You say "I told you there would be no further discussion
about this issue. What else is new? Have you heard from sister? Is she enjoying her honeymoon?".

If they continue to press the issue, you say "Since you seem to want to discuss a subject that I consider closed, I'm going to go now, as I have to tend to hubby who still isn't feeling well from his chemotherapy for his incurable cancer, and thanks for asking, by the way. I'll talk to you soon".

And then you hang up.

And then the next time you call, you act like nothing has happened, like their totally unrealistic attitude hasn't fazed you at all.

I have a SIL like your mom. Her goal is to get people riled up. The best way to tick her off is to be indifferent. People like your mom and my SIL control us normal people because we inherently think that their bad behavior is going to change, so we expect them to act like we would in various situations and they are mentally incapable of acting like a normal person. I will repeat that line again....they are mentally incapable of acting like a normal person. They are only capable of acting how they act, which is not normal. Once I came to an understanding and, yes, acceptance of that, it made dealing with my SIL a lot easier.

How I deal with her is quite simple...I make my decision about a particular topic or issue involving her, I state my decision, I do what you did, and tell her that it is not a topic up for any more discussion, she has heard my decision, she will not change my mind. And then I do not discuss it again. If she brings it up, I say "That is not a topic up for discussion. Goodbye" and I hang up the phone. I do not argue, I do not explain. I decide, state, and end the discussion.

It has made her infinitely easier for me to deal with her, since she knows my decision is my decision.

And yes, people have told me it is controlling on my part, and it is. I am controlling the amount of stress and aggravation she brings to my life. There is a long history of why I came to the conclusion that this is the way she needs to be treated, she is the only person I treat in this manner...anyone else I am more than willing to discuss, explain, listen, compromise etc. Not SIL though. And frankly, she adds nothing to my life, so if one time she got angry enough to cut off all communication with me, it wouldn't faze me a bit, and would actually probably be a blrssing.

 

[disneystacy]

*Small update*

My brother heard from my parents yesterday to tell him they were having people over this coming weekend and could he come.
They mentioned nothing about the wedding at all. Him leaving, me, my sister, nothing.
My brother seems to think they are waiting to see him in person to say something because he has been known to hang up on my mother when she starts her nonesense over the phone.

My parents will probably be giving me the silent treatment for awhile (she thinks this bothers me, but its very peaceful this way ).

BTW - my hubby has one more treatment next month to go before hopefully he will be in remission. He is also feeling much better. He doctor thinks it was a combo of chemo, dehydration (no drinks were provided by anyone for about 4 hours until we got to the reception, we were told she was having food and drinks at the church (didn't happen) and the NC heat in a suit.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Typical controlling behavior.

Good news is she seems pretty textbook and I think you can have some canned responses ready for the next go round.

Glad to hear your dh is doing better.

 

[disneystacy]

MY MOTHER JUST CALLED!!!

She left a message on my machine. Acting normal. Said " Hi, its mom, just calling to see how Steven was feeling and the how the kids are doing, call me back when you get a chance".

I didn't call back yet as I wanted some opinions.

I guess she is going to play this off as "Your dad is the one thats mad".

I REALLY don't need these games today.

 

[Jennasis]

MY MOTHER JUST CALLED!!!

She left a message on my machine. Acting normal. Said " Hi, its mom, just calling to see how Steven was feeling and the how the kids are doing, call me back when you get a chance".

I didn't call back yet as I wanted some opinions.

I guess she is going to play this off as "Your dad is the one thats mad".

I REALLY don't need these games today.

Well this may be the perfect opportunity to lay down your new no-nonsense stance. Call mom back and keep the coversation on hubby and his chemo. If she even once brings up the nonsense about you or your brother, you politely insert any one of the awesome conversation enders provided previously. If she gets testy, huffy or insistent, you do the "I have to go..." and hang up.

PErhaps then they will start to respect you rather than bully you.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

I wouldn't call. Let her stew. And I'd see what your brother has to report after his weekend there (is he going?) before I called.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

MY MOTHER JUST CALLED!!!

She left a message on my machine. Acting normal. Said " Hi, its mom, just calling to see how Steven was feeling and the how the kids are doing, call me back when you get a chance".

I didn't call back yet as I wanted some opinions.

I guess she is going to play this off as "Your dad is the one thats mad".

I REALLY don't need these games today.

Wow, she is good.She is dangling bait for you.

She is trying to get you guard down so you will spill your guts. It is her way of "winning" this fight. And believe me she is playing to win.

Here is the game she is running on you....

Basically she knows that you are the sensitive one and can move in for the kill anytime she feels like it. Right now you have given her the upper hand with the email because she knows you were upset.

We all know dad is "mad" because his wife is upset and he has to listen to her.

Bottom line is to not say anything about the situation that occured. I want you to pretend it did not happen when you talk to her.

The second you bring it up she wins.

(This strategy is working very well with my nephew that we are nursing along with a controlling mother.)

Now it will kill her that you don't bring it up, remember that. Takes alot of restraint on your part. If she brings it up, just revert back to "I am sorry I upset you" and say no more.

 

[disneystacy]

Wow, she is good.She is dangling bait for you.

She is trying to get you guard down so you will spill your guts. It is her way of "winning" this fight. And believe me she is playing to win.

Here is the game she is running on you....

Basically she knows that you are the sensitive one and can move in for the kill anytime she feels like it. Right now you have given her the upper hand with the email because she knows you were upset.

We all know dad is "mad" because his wife is upset and he has to listen to her.

Bottom line is to not say anything about the situation that occured. I want you to pretend it did not happen when you talk to her.

The second you bring it up she wins.

(This strategy is working very well with my nephew that we are nursing along with a controlling mother.)

Now it will kill her that you don't bring it up, remember that. Takes alot of restraint on your part. If she brings it up, just revert back to "I am sorry I upset you" and say no more.

Ok, so call back now, wait until tonight?

If she brings it up I am going to say "I'm sorry you were upset, that was not my intention, but I am not going to discuss this further".

If she keeps going " I need to go" Bye.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok, so call back now, wait until tonight?

If she brings it up I am going to say "I'm sorry you were upset, that was not my intention, but I am not going to discuss this further".

If she keeps going " I need to go" Bye.

I wouldn't. However it is your mom and situation.

I say wait until you are ready to handle her. Like you said you are not ready for games today. I would not play with her for awhile.

Strategy is good. Keep it in your back pocket.

 

[disneystacy]

The only issue I am having with not calling back sometime today is stooping to her level of game playing.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Ok, so call back now, wait until tonight?

If she brings it up I am going to say "I'm sorry you were upset, that was not my intention, but I am not going to discuss this further".

If she keeps going " I need to go" Bye.

Sounds like you've got it figured out perfectly....as long as you're not like me. That's what I would plan to say and then I'd have a hard time saying it.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd call her back and pretend like nothing happened....indifference is the key here. You already "gave" her a little power with the e-mail, so now take it back.

Pretend like her behavior doesn't faze you. Call back..."Steven's still under the weather but feeling better, looking forward to his last chemo round. The kids are good are good...insert brief description of your children's activities here...What's new by you?". If she starts anything about the wedding business, say "My God, are you still harping about that? I forgot about that already. Oops! Steven's calling me (or any other reasonably good excuse to hurry off the phone...Suzy fell, a neighbor's at the door, you have to pick up Billy at his friend's house)...gotta go...talk to you soon...bye!". The key is a light bright airy tone, like you don't have a care in the world about anything else other than your husband and kids. Like her issues are hers, and not yours.

I'm telling you, if you don't feed into it, she will take it somewhere else. Take an example from your brother...he doesn't listen to her crap, so she doesn't give him any. It does work. It's just hard to do.

 

[bumbershoot]

I should also add by "cleanup crew", I meant carry out wedding gifts, pack up all the items(centerpieces, extra food) that would be going back to her house, waiting until the vendors were paid etc. I don't think it would have been mopping, but you never know with my sister.

My mother had the nerve to say as I was leaving " you leave your husband all the time when he is sick from chemo" which is completely false and how would she know living 500 miles away and to my brother said "why do you need to get home to your baby, she is in daycare during the week" Mind you she was with the sitter (new) for 9 hours already when we left the wedding. So if you have a child in daycare you shouldn't need to see it.

Why would people need to wait around for the vendors to be fully paid? Only person who needed to be there for that was me and my dad (me to point them out, dad to whip out the checkbook), but really, most of my vendors had been paid in full 2 weeks before the date, per our contract.

Your mom has issues, yowza, to say that about her perception of your travel AND your nephew being in daycare.

The saddest thing is if you even question why she is doing something her standard answer is "don't question what I'm doing".

My MIL seems to think that that's how her kids need to be; I really disagree. It's one thing when kids are minors (and still I disagree with that...there were very few things where "because" was the the only reason given while I was growing up) but once kids are out of the house and out of the wallet...I just don't think it's right that parents treat their adult children that way.

Seems it would be best to just ignore that nonsense, and if you have questions, go ahead and question her! What's she going to do about it? Seriously, what is she going to do?

As far as your brother I would not have left my 12 week infant home all those hours just to go to a wedding either!

Same here.

Here is a copy of the email I sent to my parents. I cannot deal with my mother on the phone as she sucks me into situations where I need to defend myself...

When I tried to question Suzy what we were doing that day I was greeted and told of magic second church parking lots, secret church side entrances and non exsistent bridal suites and a "wedding organizer" who told my family and I to wait in the basement. We did what we were told by the people Suzy put in charge.

Either way I will not be addressing it nor do I need to defend my actions.

1st paragraph....there was no need to email. You are defending yourself, and by doing it almost ahead of time, it makes it seem that YOU feel you need to defend, and with my MIL that just feeds her nonsense.

2nd paragraph...please write up a trip report of this wedding. Change the names, the venue, etc, but it sounds like something that needs to be written about.

3rd paragraph...but you did address it and defend your actions...gotta stop that!

For my wedding which was in NY(this wedding was in NC) we didn't receive gifts we got envelopes so no big things to carry out. Also I had a wedding person hired to take care of packing everything that needed to be brought home and they put everything in my car.

Definitely a cultural thing...from all my time on wedding planning message boards, they do things differently from place to place, especially going from NY to the South!

...they will beat you down and won't even listen to your side of the story.

...a wedding full of one disaster after another and they very well can't tell my sister her wedding was horrible (well at least not yet, I'm sure they will). Believe me, my brother and I leaving early even without reason pales in comparison at some of the events of the day.

Then don't bother telling your side, if they won't listen and you know it.

Oh please write about the wedding.

...the way my family works, each sibling is happy the heat is off them for awhile. Very sad.

Sounds like hubby's family! Right now hubby is the Golden Child, and he'll probably stay in that spot for quite awhile now, but I'm sure he'll fall off the pedestal at some point again. But right now his sibs get to hear about their wonderful brother...and I'm sure there's an Awful Child (probably his sister) that none of them are defending, just being glad the focus isn't on them.

The only issue I am having with not calling back sometime today is stooping to her level of game playing.

Not necessarily. Do you WANT to talk to her? If you don't want to, then not calling isn't a game, it's simply not calling someone that you don't want to talk to.

 

[EthansMom]

MY MOTHER JUST CALLED!!!

She left a message on my machine. Acting normal. Said " Hi, its mom, just calling to see how Steven was feeling and the how the kids are doing, call me back when you get a chance".

I didn't call back yet as I wanted some opinions.

I guess she is going to play this off as "Your dad is the one thats mad".

I REALLY don't need these games today.

Personally, I wouldn't call her back right away.

Not because I'd be angry, but because there's still a good possibility that she's upset and going to take it out on you some more and/or try to stir up drama over something else. I wouldn't be "not talking" to her, but I'd wait a day or two until I felt mentally/emotionally prepared in case Mom was playing games again.

And, if/when she does play games again, just refuse to play and get politely off the phone ASAP.

 

[keenercam]

I think you should return the call. I'd hate for you to have regrets, and this may really be her way of making up without losing face. I'd keep things very casual and chatty about the kids, etc. And if she does bring it up, do exactly what you said. Write it down and put it in front of your face. Practice saying it ahead of time "Mom, I really don't want to discuss it any further. I am sorry you were upset. That wasn't my intention, but I don't intend to discuss it anymore." If she tries to "engage" you on the topic, say "I'm sorry, but I really have to go. Love to you and Dad. Talk to you soon."

Seriously. Be strong. Take a stand. It IS possible to do it firmly but kindly.

 

[disneystacy]

Ok, so I called her back. My hubby was out and I knew he would be back in 10 minutes giving me perfect oppotunity to make it a short call.

I kept the conversion as extemely normal as possible. She asked how my hubby was and I told her every detail of the last few days. NOTHING about the wedding was mentioned except about a drunk friend of my sisters who said some nasty gross thing about her prowness in bed to my brother we both couldn't believe it and THAT WAS IT. My hubby came home, I said I have to go, she said I'll talk to you later and that was IT.

She is setting me up OR she is just satified that she got my dad on her side and now there is trouble between my dad and I. Either way it is sick.

 

[horseshowmom]

She is setting me up OR she is just satified that she got my dad on her side and now there is trouble between my dad and I. Either way it is sick.

I suspect that's she's satisfied that she got to create some drama. People like that feed on it.

OP, I understand where you're coming from. I used to let it leave me in knots and tears. Finally, one day I blew up (I am NOT the blowing up type and tend to be very even tempered, not a "yeller" at all) and really told the individual what I thought. Of course, they were astonished and couldn't understand why I was behaving this way (I was obviously over reacting...). After that, I quit participating.

It took awhile, but the foolishness did stop. Your brother already has this figured out. Follow his lead!

 

[Disney Doll]

I also wouldn't let it affect my relationship with my dad. I'd just pretend with him, as well, that the "drama" is over and done. If he brings it up, I'd say "Oh for God's sakes dad, that was over a long time ago" and then move on to a different subject.

Indifference is the key to successfully handling manipulative drama llamas. They thrive on drama and creating a stir. If you don't let them, they take it elsewhere.