Wedding question? *UPDATE POST 64*

[ginna74]

you didn't do anything wrong, you were never told anything in advance so no, yur ok.

 

[merryweather20]

OP you absolutely did the right thing.

Several people mentioned clean-up at a wedding If its at a venue there are a few things to bring to the car, and if it is at a private home then you would do the heavy lifting the next day.

The last time I was Maid of Honour we brought home all the flowers, the money box, and the few wrapped gifts that had been brought to the wedding. It took the three of us (myself and the Bride's parents) perhaps ten minutes and next to no effort

 

[Stitchfans]

If I were the bride I would not expect my siblings to stay under those circumstances. If they left just because they didn't want to help I would make a mental note and let it go. Hopefully the bride and groom have other friends and family that were willing to stay and help. A cleanup crew should have been established before the wedding.

I agree.

 

[disneystacy]

Apparently from my dads email response:

"This was your sisters wedding day. You don't care about her feelings as well as your mom and mine".

Remember, hubby left at 8:45, I left at 10:00 and the wedding ended at 10:30.

It seems my mother has spun this way out of control.

Funny thing is neither one of them knows how sick my husband was (the fact that he left the wedding a hour earlier than I did should tell you something and that I could have easily spent the night at the hospital had he spiked a fever).
My dad kissed me goodbye that evening and told me to tell my hubby to feel better, wow what a change of opinion.

I have to tell you, I am fuming mad and I feel I have every right to be.

I think they expect a apology....are they kidding? If anyone deserves a apology its me.
They are my parents but for some reason they still think I need to ask permission to come and go.

They haven't said anything to my brother, probably because they know he will tell them to "stick it".

What makes it even worse is that my hubby has CANCER a incurable kind(though it can be put into remission). Are they kidding me with this nonesense?

I will not be sending them any other emails, but I'm sure I will receiving a phone call soon.

What do I say?

 

[cinmell]

I will not be sending them any other emails, but I'm sure I will receiving a phone call soon.

What do I say?

Follow your brother's lead and tell them to stick it! That's unbelievable. You did nothing wrong!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Apparently from my dads email response:

"This was your sisters wedding day. You don't care about her feelings as well as your mom and mine".

Remember, hubby left at 8:45, I left at 10:00 and the wedding ended at 10:30.

It seems my mother has spun this way out of control.

Funny thing is neither one of them knows how sick my husband was (the fact that he left the wedding a hour earlier than I did should tell you something and that I could have easily spent the night at the hospital had he spiked a fever).
My dad kissed me goodbye that evening and told me to tell my hubby to feel better, wow what a change of opinion.

I have to tell you, I am fuming mad and I feel I have every right to be.

I think they expect a apology....are they kidding? If anyone deserves a apology its me.
They are my parents but for some reason they still think I need to ask permission to come and go.

They haven't said anything to my brother, probably because they know he will tell them to "stick it".

What makes it even worse is that my hubby has CANCER a incurable kind(though it can be put into remission). Are they kidding me with this nonesense?

I will not be sending them any other emails, but I'm sure I will receiving a phone call soon.

What do I say?

You model your brother. The reason they do this to you is because you are the one that started it with the email. It is like a sick connection you have with your mother. You feel you need the last word and then get into a turf war with her. Now you are doing it over an apology. Who cares what you say to her. She is a control freak. Say what she wants to hear and be done.

One thing you say to them is "I am sorry I upset you." IN PERSON and then you move on. (This is the nice mature way to handle it.) If you do it on the phone they will call you again and drag it out more.

Or you can tell them to shove it where the sun doesn't shine IN PERSON or I would use more harsh words actually, but I am like your brother.

Or you do nothing.

Or this is the thing that takes ALOT of restraint and I don't know if you can do this. I have dealt with control people and here is how you would "shoot fish in a barrel" if you want to play mind games. I know it is wrong to say that but it is good practice.

Ready? You say...."I can hear you are very upset." No "I am sorry". That takes practice. I don't think you are ready for manipulating control people.

You sound like you just need to say "I am sorry I upset you but I had to leave early." and leave it at that.

DO NOT send another email. That is one thing you do not do.

 

[disneystacy]

You model your brother. The reason they do this to you is because you are the one that started it with the email. It is like a sick connection you have with your mother. You feel you need the last word and then get into a turf war with her. Now you are doing it over an apology. Who cares what you say to her. She is a control freak. Say what she wants to hear and be done.

One thing you say to them is "I am sorry I upset you." IN PERSON and then you move on. (This is the nice mature way to handle it.) If you do it on the phone they will call you again and drag it out more.

Or you can tell them to shove it where the sun doesn't shine IN PERSON or I would use more harsh words actually, but I am like your brother.

Or you do nothing.

Or this is the thing that takes ALOT of restraint and I don't know if you can do this. I have dealt with control people and here is how you would "shoot fish in a barrel" if you want to play mind games. I know it is wrong to say that but it is good practice.

Ready? You say...."I can hear you are very upset." No "I am sorry". That takes practice. I don't think you are ready for manipulating control people.

You sound like you just need to say "I am sorry I upset you but I had to leave early." and leave it at that.

DO NOT send another email. That is one thing you do not do.

Nothing can be done in person...they live 500 miles away. I am in NC, they are in NY.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I would say "I'm sorry you were upset." That's not actually apologizing for your behavior (which you have no reason to do) but it's saying you're sorry for their reaction.

 

[disneystacy]

"I'm sorry you are upset" got it.

When the screaming starts and the telling of what I did wrong starts what do I then say?

 

[Nancyg56]

I am so sorry, I have been following this and cannot believe how insensitive your parents are!


At this point I would say "Enough!" If your mother calls remember what works for your brother and then tell them to stop. Now. You and you husband have enough to deal with without trying to deal with your Mother and I would tell them that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

"I'm sorry you are upset" got it.

When the screaming starts and the telling of what I did wrong starts what do I then say?

You only say "I am sorry you are upset." DO NOT say anything else or engage any further topics.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.....

You see it is a trap to see if you will spill your guts and further the heels into your back. And with what is going on in your life you are an easy mark.

Basically psychologically your mother is trying to break you down and make you "pay".

The less you say the more you gain an upper hand. It is an empowering position.

 

[Allison]

"I'm sorry you are upset" got it.

When the screaming starts and the telling of what I did wrong starts what do I then say?

You don't say anything. You simply end the conversation with "enjoy your day" or something like that, hang up the phone and move on with your day. They can't have power if you don't engage with them.

 

[Sandy321]

step away - let it go. Talk to someone - a therapist, a minister... but not your parents... not gossip - let it go while your emotions are so high...

I have to tell you I've btdt - and its not pretty, you are in a no win situation, so let it go. Pretend with them you never got the email - emotions are getting too high... let it go. Forgive.

Focus on your family, your husband - when they talk about cancer and remission, you have to let go of stress.

You forgive not for the other person, but for you. For your heart, for your healing. You have confirmation from "strangers" (disboards arent really strangers tho are we?!) or take a line from Dr Phil, someone has to be the hero - let it go - there will NEVER be a "winner" you want to be right, you want to be the winner - and you know from reading this thread - you have that -

but mothers are strange creature (and I pray to God my dd and I dont ever go thru this!) somehow your mother needs to have control over you - she has some need you are not meeting - and you may never, ever meet that need!! So let it go. Find a good place in your heart - and talk to your mom from THAT place - if she brings it up, take the advice here -

maybe much later when emotions arent so raw you can talk, you can tell her how hurt you were - but for now, you have to forgive!

(and from my own experience, easier said than done! Good Luck)

ITA with others "I'm sorry you are upset -

I found the one thing to stop my mom from attacking me was to let her know I needed her! so I dont know what will work for your mom but you will find out - good luck

 

[Mom2Nick]

What do you say? Here's what I would say:

"Well I am very sorry that you cannot understand the seriousness of my husband's illness, the effect it has on him physically and emotionally and the overall effect his fight to live has on me as well. His illness is a part of our EVERY DAY life. This is not just one day for us and we cannot turn off his illness, shove it in the closet and forget about it for one day and I am very sorry that you cannot understand that.

I did what I felt was best for my husband and obviously made a very serious error in judgement when I assumed my family would have the love and compassion to understand what we are currently fighting."

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I think what Mom2Nick said sounds good.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What do you say? Here's what I would say:

"Well I am very sorry that you cannot understand the seriousness of my husband's illness, the effect it has on him physically and emotionally and the overall effect his fight to live has on me as well. His illness is a part of our EVERY DAY life. This is not just one day for us and we cannot turn off his illness, shove it in the closet and forget about it for one day and I am very sorry that you cannot understand that.

I did what I felt was best for my husband and obviously made a very serious error in judgement when I assumed my family would have the love and compassion to understand what we are currently fighting."

Yes, that is what you say to someone who will actually listen & understand. However this is a mother running a game on her.

The less you say, the better off you will be.

There is no reason that she needs to stoop to her mother's level. That is what mom wants. It is like throwing steak to the lion.

 

[java]

I agree with the ignore them part. They are being beyond insensitive.

If you want to talk to them I would just say I think you are all being very insensitive to the stress I am under and until you can respect that I chose to not speak with you.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

OP, it actually depends on how important it is to keep the peace/make peace with them. If the most important thing to you is to make peace with them, then I would tell them what Mom2Nick said. Maybe something about how ill your husband is will get through to them. Otherwise, if they start giving you a hard time even after you say that you're sorry they're upset, I would say what java said.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with the ignore them part. They are being beyond insensitive.

If you want to talk to them I would just say I think you are all being very insensitive to the stress I am under and until you can respect that I chose to not speak with you.

That works too.

However you run into the problem of the mother dragging this out and turning the knife by punishing the OP. And obviously she is going to do it thru her dad. She is pretty crafty with her skill.

I don't know if that is the way to go for the OP considering her circumstances. It sounds like more aggravation than it is worth.

Cutting people out takes alot of energy and doesn't sound like she has any to spare.

 

[disneystacy]

What do you say? Here's what I would say:

"Well I am very sorry that you cannot understand the seriousness of my husband's illness, the effect it has on him physically and emotionally and the overall effect his fight to live has on me as well. His illness is a part of our EVERY DAY life. This is not just one day for us and we cannot turn off his illness, shove it in the closet and forget about it for one day and I am very sorry that you cannot understand that.

I did what I felt was best for my husband and obviously made a very serious error in judgement when I assumed my family would have the love and compassion to understand what we are currently fighting."

This is wonderful, but I will never make it past "you cannot understand" without the ranting and raving starting.
She or my dad will never "come to their senses".
They are the type of people that once they feel wronged, they will beat you down and won't even listen to your side of the story.They are of the mindset "everybody is out to get them". They don't talk to many people in the family because of this attitude.
They also need someone to blame for a wedding full of one disaster after another and they very well can't tell my sister her wedding was horrible (well at least not yet, I'm sure they will). Believe me, my brother and I leaving early even without reason pales in comparison at some of the events of the day.
I also truly feel that they think this was all a fake excuse to leave early. Like hubby and I planned this in advance that he would fake being sick from chemo.