Wedding invite and $

[tlschmier]

My DH and I were invited to an afternoon wedding(2pm). In the invitation there is a poem about how they have all they need in their home, but money would be great. More elegantly worded but thats the jist..it says the amount doesn't matter..etc..

They couple getting married are younger, in their 20's, so its not like this is a second marriage or third, etc..

I don't know what to do. My DH has been unemployed for a year, I make an a so so salary but I really can only spend like $25 on the wedding gift as I am the sole breadwinner and we have a toddler, medical expenses about to come up, etc. I am a savvy shopper and probably could get something worth more than $25, for around that amount, but it doesn't seem to be what they want.

What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...

 

[Costumesaremylife]

The wedding is to celebrate their marriage. Get them anything you would like to that you think is appropriate for your budget.

I think that poem is ridiculous. If they have everything that they need, but need money then perhaps they should have had a smaller wedding.

 

[brymolmom]

That is a very tough one and am not sure what I would do. But that poem would likely turn me off and I would hesitate I think to give my usual amount. I guess if $25 is what you can afford - and if they wrote 'amount doesn't matter' - well then I would hope they would MEAN just that - so I would give the $25. Maybe you could do something cute with it - like wrap it up really cute or put it inside some sort of hand made (by you or go to a craft show) container - maybe etched or painted with the date of their wedding and the names or something similar. That way you won't feel like you're 'only' giving that amount. They'll have a momento to cherish long after the cash is gone.

I am a very practical person and got several unused and wasted wedding gifts, but I just don't think I could do that poem in my invitation.

 

[kpadalik]

My DH and I were invited to an afternoon wedding(2pm). In the invitation there is a poem about how they have all they need in their home, but money would be great. More elegantly worded but thats the jist..it says the amount doesn't matter..etc..

They couple getting married are younger, in their 20's, so its not like this is a second marriage or third, etc..

I don't know what to do. My DH has been unemployed for a year, I make an a so so salary but I really can only spend like $25 on the wedding gift as I am the sole breadwinner and we have a toddler, medical expenses about to come up, etc. I am a savvy shopper and probably could get something worth more than $25, for around that amount, but it doesn't seem to be what they want.

What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...

I think that is sooooo tacky when someone asks for $$ on their wedding invitation (even if it's elegantly worded). When people do that, I usually don't give them money. The bride and groom should be grateful for WHATEVER they receive - whether it be money or a gift. I would give them what you would like to give them. I completely agree w/ you about the whole savvy shopper thing - I'm the same way. They should realize that with the economy today, someone would rather buy something on sale. I usually spend around $50 on a wedding gift...if I was to give money - $50. If I was to get a gift - $50 worth, but using coupons, sales, discounts, etc., I may only spend $35 or $40.
Did you check to see if maybe they registered somewhere? If not, give em what you feel is appropriate - whether it be money or a gift.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

How about this?

http://www.amazon.com/Etiquette-Dum...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1244338262&sr=1-1

I must admit I'd be inclined to give anything but money since they put the poem in there , but I definitely think you shouldn't spend any more than you can afford regardless of whether you give money or a gift. The invitation was totally tacky - a wedding is not a money grub.

If it was someone I didn't know that well, I wouldn't give money anyway, but I would give money to family (maybe not if they did the poem, though!). What is the norm where you live? My NJ relatives totally expect money to be given as a wedding gift and subscribe to the "cover your plate" mentality (which is a whole 'nother discussion), but in the south, people typically give household items.

I'm guessing you are going to the wedding? If not, I'd just send a nice card with best wishes. If you're going, I'd pick out a gift that you think the couple would appreciate and that you are happy with. Don't let yourself feel extorted for money.

 

[Illuminations_Rocks]

Just get them a gift. You have a budget just as they do. I happen to LOVE the Tupperware my cousin got me for my wedding, and while I appreciated all the money people gave, that Tupperware gets sooo much use!

While I don't think it was really appropriate to include, I think they were just trying to get the majority of people who would just go pick out anything to give them money instead of expensive gifts they won't use. I'm sure they wouldn't think badly of someone giving a gift, they just don't want to be overrun with them.

I got married last year. Where I grew up the norm is to give cash at the wedding (gifts at the shower). I got gifts from 5 people, and had about 85 couples at the wedding. I was grateful for it all (and 3 of the 5 people were not from the area where I grew up so it is likely the norm where they live is gifts, also these people were out of town so didn't come to the shower).

Just because people are young doesn't mean they don't have household things, especially if they weren't living with their families. But a nice blanket, tupperware, seasonal dishes or decorations, etc, are always nice.

 

[derocas]

My NJ relatives totally expect money to be given as a wedding gift and subscribe to the "cover your plate" mentality (which is a whole 'nother discussion), but in the south, people typically give household items.

Yes, I'm from NJ and I think it is customary to cover your plate. To be honest I thought that was a universal rule, I didn't realize that it was a NJ thing. On the other hand, it is very tacky to send out an invitation expecting money. I would be so turned off!!!!
I had a friend who was in a similar situation. She was invited to a spur of the moment wedding. The couple had two children and were living together for several years. They decided to get married and have a "wedding" when money was tight. At least that was her perception. Anyway, her solution was since the couple expected money she gave it to them, in the form of a savings bond. If they wanted the full value they had to wait several years......... Just a thought.

 

[mc'smommy]

If they have all they need, then I suggest they have a best wishes only wedding..LOL
Get them what you can afford, and go have a GREAT time.

 

[mrsklamc]

What does 'cover your plate' mean?

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

What does 'cover your plate' mean?

Give enough money for a wedding gift to cover what the bride and groom paid for your dinner. I gave the same $ to my niece who had a blowout destination wedding with formal sit down dinner and strawberries dressed like tuxedos that I gave to my other niece who had her reception in a multi-purpose room at a local park. It's totally up to them how much they want to spend on their wedding (in both cases), but I am not going to subsidize the niece with expensive tastes over the niece who chose a simple wedding - JMHO.

 

[mrsklamc]

I think in your circumstances they should get squat unless you are very, very close and/or WANT to get them something. Gifts shouldn't be given out of guilt, and if they're going to look down on you after that tacky, tacky, tacky poem....

 

[tnd]

I'd give what you can afford. A $25 giftcard for a place like Target or Bed, Bath and Beyond is perfectly acceptable. Don't feel like you need to give more because of their poem (super tacky BTW).

 

[mrsklamc]

Give enough money for a wedding gift to cover what the bride and groom paid for your dinner. I gave the same $ to my niece who had a blowout destination wedding with formal sit down dinner and strawberries dressed like tuxedos that I gave to my other niece who had her reception in a multi-purpose room at a local park. It's totally up to them how much they want to spend on their wedding (in both cases), but I am not going to subsidize the niece with expensive tastes over the niece who chose a simple wedding - JMHO.

Good for you!!!

 

[raftislander]

It was not appropriate for the couple to include the poem. Just as it is not appropriate to include cards that indicate where a person is registered with the wedding invitation. A wedding invitation is not supposed to be a solicitation for gifts or $$. I would advise you to do exactly what you would have done if the poem had not been included.

 

[Disneyliscious]

You can combine giving them "money" and a "gift" all in one.

Buy them a 2009 United States Mint Presidential $1 Coin Proof Set from the US Mint for $14.95. They are getting married in 2009 so it fits. Its also legal tender so if they chose, they could take them out of the case and spend them (although it would be very unwise...lol). It also lets yo spend less than $25 since you are already on a budget.

We always give things like this as gifts. Its an item that has significant meaning and its still real money.

Have you ever seen a "Proof" coin? They are absolutely beautiful! They are un-circulated so they have never been touched by human hands. They are struck with a 'brilliant' finish twice which makes them just shine with luster.

Also, although there is no way to tell ahead of time, many of these coins increase a great deal in value. My father purchases the Silver Eagles (they are pure silver and generally run around $30-$40 a coin). He just sold some on eBay for $120 not too long ago because when the value of a dollar went down, precious metals went up....and silver is a precious metal.

Here is a link to the set I was talking about:

http://catalog.usmint.gov/webapp/wc...ctId=14730&langId=-1&parent_category_rn=10211

This is the 2nd or 3rd set in this series.....but the US Mint website has may first time issues and choices which make GREAT, meaningful gifts.

www.usmint.gov

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

My DH and I were invited to an afternoon wedding(2pm). In the invitation there is a poem about how they have all they need in their home, but money would be great. More elegantly worded but thats the jist..it says the amount doesn't matter..etc..

They couple getting married are younger, in their 20's, so its not like this is a second marriage or third, etc..

I don't know what to do. My DH has been unemployed for a year, I make an a so so salary but I really can only spend like $25 on the wedding gift as I am the sole breadwinner and we have a toddler, medical expenses about to come up, etc. I am a savvy shopper and probably could get something worth more than $25, for around that amount, but it doesn't seem to be what they want.

What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...

My cousin included that poem in her invite and my parents were really upset. What made it even worse for them was the fact that *I* was not invited because *I* would not be able to "cover my plate" (just had a daughter, and we were just getting by on one salary, we found out a few months after they were married that this was the reason). My sister and brother both were invited though.

In all seriousness...give what you can....personally I would never ask for money, I would feel like I am putting people in a really weird position. If anyone dares to question you, tell them to mind their own business.

 

[veraletta]

I think the 2009 United States Mint Presidential $1 Coin Proof Set from the US Mint for $14.95 would really be a nice gift as Disneyliscious said.
it is the year they are getting married.
I know that someone got this for my grandson the year he was born and we all loved it. I think its nice to get a gift that someone put a lot of time and thought in it. My grandson is now 10 and he loved the gift.

 

[Bill and Jen]

For anyone that finds it offensive the best thing to do is respectfully offer your regrets you are unable to attend for whatever reason.

P.S. NJ is def not the only cover your plate state. Here in MA or at least my family, friends, co-workers suscribe to the same mentality.(I think this is more important now then it used to be because more and more the wedding is paid for by the couple, not the parents.)

Right now we give $125 for a wedding, being your average wedding at a decent hall with decent food is about 50-60 dollars a head. (We don't give more for crazy blowout weddings though, don't feel we should pay more because they had the wedding at the country club!)

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I think it is tacky but I can certainly understand where they are coming from (only from a too many gifts we don't need standpoint). I think if it were me I would've worded it not to worry about a gift at all. As well intentioned as people are I've seen several brides I know end up with a room full of "stuff" they feel obligated to keep (even with bridal registries many of them ended up with doubles and triples of things).

Also, in general when I attend weddings I give a cash gift of half of what the "per plate" charge would be (I've gotten pretty good at guessing!) for myself and the whole plate fee for my date (if one is allowed). I figure they were nice enough to let me bring someone I actually know the least I can do is pay for him (even if their parents paid for the wedding)! I prefer to get cash or gift cards at every occasion. I've remembered what I bought with money people have given me for almost everything. IMHO, a newlywed couple can put to better use cash or gift cards than they can the two pillow cases, toothpaste holder, $30 stainless steel tumbler, and washcloth I would buy them from their registry at Bed, Bath, & Beyond .

BTW, I like the idea of the savings bond!

 

[buzz5985]

My NJ relatives totally expect money to be given as a wedding gift and subscribe to the "cover your plate" mentality (which is a whole 'nother discussion), but in the south, people typically give household items.

Yes, I'm from NJ and I think it is customary to cover your plate. To be honest I thought that was a universal rule, I didn't realize that it was a NJ thing. On the other hand, it is very tacky to send out an invitation expecting money. I would be so turned off!!!!
I had a friend who was in a similar situation. She was invited to a spur of the moment wedding. The couple had two children and were living together for several years. They decided to get married and have a "wedding" when money was tight. At least that was her perception. Anyway, her solution was since the couple expected money she gave it to them, in the form of a savings bond. If they wanted the full value they had to wait several years......... Just a thought.

I'm from Boston and this is what we do. So if I were to give a gift today - it would be for $150 - $200, depending on if it was a relation or not. We give household gifts as Bridal Shower gifts I would spend $50 non-relation, $75-$100 relative - depending on how much I like you. LOL I can't remember going to a wedding in the last 10 years that I saw any gifts.

If I can't afford to go to a wedding - I just don't go. This happened when a cousin was getting married out of state. I would have had to rent a room, transportation costs, etc would have cost us over $500. But I still send a gift of at least $100.

I just wanted to add that I was married in 1985. I received one wedding gift - a hand sculpted vase, the rest was cash. The average was between $25 - $35 per couple. I had paid $10.95/plate for sirloin dinner. So even back then - people were paying per plate.