Wedding invite and $

[P.I. Squirrel]

To me, a wedding should be more a celebration than gifts. DW and I did not mention gifts at all, we simply wanted our friends to be there. When some got us gifts, we met with each of them personally to thank them, big or small.

As far as the 'cover your plate' goes, I've seen some weddings cost upwards of 100 grand. Anyone priced a Disney wedding lately? A wedding invitation is just what it says, not a solicitation to cover the cost of the wedding.

Like a previous post said, if they solicit cash donations, they need a more affordable wedding.

 

[greenpea89]

We have received several wedding invitations with poems requesting money as a gift over the past few years. While I was a little shocked when we first started getting them, and I have to be honest and say that it still seems a little crass, I do understand it and feel it is actually the most practical gift option. Many couples we know use the money as part of the downpayment for their home or as savings for the future. If you can only afford $25- then that's what I would give and I wouldn't worry about it again. In fact, personally, I would think of it as a time saver and let it go. We also subscribe to the "cover your plate" guideline but you should do what makes you most comfortable.

 

[lspst8]

OMG ... that is so tacky. You shouldn't mention gifts at all in any type of invitation. I would either skip the wedding and just send a card or go and definately not give money .... you should be able to get them a nice etiquette book for under $25! I recommend Miss Manners

 

[Disneyjamie]

I disagree with most posts here. Sure the poem is a bit tacky, but so many people give gifts that just turn out to be chores (returning them, etc.) or unused (so a waste of money of the person buying the gift) that money is the practical way to go. So you only give $25 - that is not as bad as buying a $25 gift that retails at $50 but is never used AND most people know with coupons/sales, etc., that retail price is not paid. Do not feel like you have to look like you are giving a $50 gift for $25 to not be embarrassed. Give the $25 money gift to make it easier on the couple in the long run. I know from my own wedding that I would have wanted the $25 over some unusual serving trays that when I returned to the store, turned out to be around $18. Plus, giving cash is easiest to you as well not having to go to a store to buy the gift.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I agree a wedding is to celebrate their marriage. People should be invited because the couple want them to share the greatest moment of their lives, not because of the presents.
Well hallelujah, they have everything they need. That is awesome. Everyone I know could use money, but i think it is beyond tacky to send something like that in a wedding invitation. That is so improper. I would be embarassed to send such a thing.
I think that the OP should give based on what is appropriate for the OP family. If $25.00 is all you can give then that is fine. If the couple don't appreciate the sacrifice you made for YOUR family on their behalf, then they are just spoiled brats and who cares.
Some couples today should definately take time to understand what weddings are really about. If they cannot pay for their wedding before the actual wedding, they they cannot afford that kind of wedding. Couples should not rely on the money they get from their wedding to pay for it.

 

[derocas]

I'm from Boston and this is what we do. So if I were to give a gift today - it would be for $150 - $200, depending on if it was a relation or not. We give household gifts as Bridal Shower gifts I would spend $50 non-relation, $75-$100 relative - depending on how much I like you. LOL I can't remember going to a wedding in the last 10 years that I saw any gifts.

If I can't afford to go to a wedding - I just don't go. This happened when a cousin was getting married out of state. I would have had to rent a room, transportation costs, etc would have cost us over $500. But I still send a gift of at least $100.

I just wanted to add that I was married in 1985. I received one wedding gift - a hand sculpted vase, the rest was cash. The average was between $25 - $35 per couple. I had paid $10.95/plate for sirloin dinner. So even back then - people were paying per plate.

Yes, this is pretty much what we do. Glad to here that it's not just a "NJ" thing. I agree that the whole cover your plate is because now a days most couples pay for their own wedding.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Give enough money for a wedding gift to cover what the bride and groom paid for your dinner. I gave the same $ to my niece who had a blowout destination wedding with formal sit down dinner and strawberries dressed like tuxedos that I gave to my other niece who had her reception in a multi-purpose room at a local park. It's totally up to them how much they want to spend on their wedding (in both cases), but I am not going to subsidize the niece with expensive tastes over the niece who chose a simple wedding - JMHO.

Those of us in "cover your plate" land would have done the same thing.

It's common to give family the same amount regardless of the venue.

 

[mjkacmom]

Give enough money for a wedding gift to cover what the bride and groom paid for your dinner. I gave the same $ to my niece who had a blowout destination wedding with formal sit down dinner and strawberries dressed like tuxedos that I gave to my other niece who had her reception in a multi-purpose room at a local park. It's totally up to them how much they want to spend on their wedding (in both cases), but I am not going to subsidize the niece with expensive tastes over the niece who chose a simple wedding - JMHO.

I'm in NJ, and would give the same, too - $300. OP, give what you want - the invitation was beyond tacky.

 

[maddiesmom0116]

How about this?

http://www.amazon.com/Etiquette-Dum...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1244338262&sr=1-1

I must admit I'd be inclined to give anything but money since they put the poem in there , but I definitely think you shouldn't spend any more than you can afford regardless of whether you give money or a gift. The invitation was totally tacky - a wedding is not a money grub.

If it was someone I didn't know that well, I wouldn't give money anyway, but I would give money to family (maybe not if they did the poem, though!). What is the norm where you live? My NJ relatives totally expect money to be given as a wedding gift and subscribe to the "cover your plate" mentality (which is a whole 'nother discussion), but in the south, people typically give household items.

I'm guessing you are going to the wedding? If not, I'd just send a nice card with best wishes. If you're going, I'd pick out a gift that you think the couple would appreciate and that you are happy with. Don't let yourself feel extorted for money.

I second this one! You need to send this to them. It is unbelievably tacky to send any fashion of a gift request with your invitation. This couple or any couple that would do this deserve to get this book. I would skip the wedding and if was a relative or close friend I would tell them how tacky it is. If a couple choses to spend $40 or $100+ a head for the dinner, it is their choice and they should not expect their "guests" to cover the cost of their meal with their gift, that would make them a restaurant not a wedding. I usually give my friends and relatives a $100 or more depending on relationship as a wedding present but not to cover my plate.
I am sorry that you have been put in this position. I would find something else you have to do that day and then if you feel you need to send them a gift, send them a gift card to a restaurant with a card, you can cover their plate.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

Those of us in "cover your plate" land would have done the same thing.

It's common to give family the same amount regardless of the venue.

I'm not passing judgment on the cover your plate thing - I'm just saying that depending where the OP is, it might not be the norm that you give money to cover your plate. Where we live, it is much more common to give items from the registry than give cash. Wedding gifts are based on what you can afford and not a subsidy to pay for the wedding. No need to take offense.

 

[DisneyokwSSR]

In these situations I usually give a bond. The "face value" is double what you paid (Your $25 will puchase a gift of a $50 bond) and in the upcoming years they will appreciate being able to cash it in when they purchase a house or have children.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I'm not passing judgment on the cover your plate thing - I'm just saying that depending where the OP is, it might not be the norm that you give money to cover your plate. Where we live, it is much more common to give items from the registry than give cash. Wedding gifts are based on what you can afford and not a subsidy to pay for the wedding. No need to take offense.

I didn't think you were passing judgment.

I was just stating that even here we would give family members the same amount regardless of the venue.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

I didn't think you were passing judgment.

I was just stating that even here we would give family members the same amount regardless of the venue.

I understand - thanks! I remember my niece from NJ (the one who did the blowout wedding) saying she expected her wedding gifts to pay for her wedding since she expected all cash. I think it is just a regional thing. My niece who just got married in SC (with the multi-purpose room) registered for reasonably priced things (and some expensive ones) and the wedding table was filled with gifts. At my NJ niece's wedding -there wasn't a single present - just a wishing well for checks. I'd never seen that before, but I think it is pretty common in the Northeast. It may be common everywhere but the Carolinas - I don't know.

Anyway, whether my friends got married on the beach and had an oyster roast or got had a reception at the country club with a band and horse drawn carriage, my gift would be the same - something in my price range from their registry. I couldn't hope to cover the plate at the CC reception, but I would still want to go to the wedding if they were good friends and they wanted me there.

OP, I'd give what you would normally give to someone that is as close to you as this bride and groom are, and I wouldn't worry about it!

 

[derocas]

I understand - thanks! I remember my niece from NJ (the one who did the blowout wedding) saying she expected her wedding gifts to pay for her wedding since she expected all cash. I think it is just a regional thing. My niece who just got married in SC (with the multi-purpose room) registered for reasonably priced things (and some expensive ones) and the wedding table was filled with gifts. At my NJ niece's wedding -there wasn't a single present - just a wishing well for checks. I'd never seen that before, but I think it is pretty common in the Northeast. It may be common everywhere but the Carolinas - I don't know.

Anyway, whether my friends got married on the beach and had an oyster roast or got had a reception at the country club with a band and horse drawn carriage, my gift would be the same - something in my price range from their registry. I couldn't hope to cover the plate at the CC reception, but I would still want to go to the wedding if they were good friends and they wanted me there.

OP, I'd give what you would normally give to someone that is as close to you as this bride and groom are, and I wouldn't worry about it!

I didn't take any offense to it either. I just thought it was funny since I had the perception that "covering your plate" was the norm only to read this thread and learn that it wasn't. I was starting to think that maybe it was indeed a Jersey thing. I wasn't in anyway offended.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I'd give what you can afford. A $25 giftcard for a place like Target or Bed, Bath and Beyond is perfectly acceptable. Don't feel like you need to give more because of their poem (super tacky BTW).

And if you can get a deal on the gift card somehow, even better

 

[debsays]

If I were in that situation I would do one of two things. One, RSVP 0 attend or look for a nice gift at like Macy's, etc. that's on sale/markdown that fits your means. I would think that your presence would mean more than a gift. It's priceless no value can determine the presence of a family member, good friend, etc. You have to do what's best for you.

 

[zachnsamsmommy]

Let me preface this by saying I'm from the South and have always lived here...

I've never heard of 'cover your plate'...and could never imagine spending more than $50 on a wedding gift, and the $50 would be close family. Also, most weddings around here are not that expensive...and I have never been to a wedding with an open bar or alcoholic drinks...period. I had a very nice wedding 11 years ago that cost $5000. But I digress...

I have given money or checks before, but not very often. Usually if there is no registry, or I can't attend and just send money. I usually buy a gift. And I do think a poem about giving money is just plain tacky. Do what you would have done had there not been the poem included IMO.

 

[EthansMom]

I've lived a lot of places in the U.S. The whole "give the bride and groom $$$ to cover the expense of their reception" is very much a Northeast (NJ, NY, CT, MA) thing. Pretty much every other place I've lived, a gift, even a modest one, is perfectly acceptable.

OP, do you want/need to attend this wedding? If it's for a close family member, then you'll likely want to go. If it's for the kid of an acqaintance, then you could certainly send your regrets.

Despite the request for cash, there is nothing wrong with giving a gift that is affordable to you. I recommend looking around for something nice you think they will actually use. You could even post a thread asking for advice for reasonably priced gifts.

One of my friends loves to give the couple a honeymoon basket (bottle of wine, cheese, chocolate... everything for two) to take with them on their honeymoon night.

There are only a few gifts DH and I still use regularly from our wedding 10 years ago. One is the waffle maker some friends of my parents gave us. Another is the Wilton Armetale charger plate that my Aunt and Uncle gave us. Neither of these gifts was really expensive, but both were GREAT gifts.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

My DH and I were invited to an afternoon wedding(2pm). In the invitation there is a poem about how they have all they need in their home, but money would be great. More elegantly worded but thats the jist..it says the amount doesn't matter..etc..

They couple getting married are younger, in their 20's, so its not like this is a second marriage or third, etc..

I don't know what to do. My DH has been unemployed for a year, I make an a so so salary but I really can only spend like $25 on the wedding gift as I am the sole breadwinner and we have a toddler, medical expenses about to come up, etc. I am a savvy shopper and probably could get something worth more than $25, for around that amount, but it doesn't seem to be what they want.

What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...

Just because you are invited to a wedding does not mean you have to attend.

Is there going to be a reception? In what type of venue will it be held?

I know I am going to get flamed and roasted, but the truth is, I would be embarassed to attend a wedding held at an expensive place and then give $25 for two people attending. KWIM?

If they are ballsy enough to include a money grabbing poem with the invite, I can't imagine how they would feel about you giving that amount.

Times are tough for too many people. Stay home and send a nice card with your regrets. Keep your money because it sounds like you can use it more.

 

[granmanh603]

Sorry not to hijack this thread but I have a question we were invited to the wedding of a niece's son in Florida, have not seen them lately except for another neice's wedding 5 years ago, would not know him if I walked by him some where, anyway we live in NH and will not be going down to Fl in July for the wedding( is that OK?) and if not what would be an acceptable gift? Thanks for any help.