Wedding invite and $

[chicagodisneyfan]

Okay, now since everyone is comparing traditions at weddings, and some have never heard of punch/mints or just cake... it makes me wonder this...

How many places don't do the dollar dance? You know, where you pay to dance with the bride/groom?

This is so interesting to hear all the different "norms" in different places.

Reminds me of when we went to TN for the first time and I asked what kind of pop they had at dinner and they said uhhhh.. OH you mean soda?

Dollar dance - I saw it once in Georgia and thought it was crazy! It is tacky to ever ask for money...no matter the circumstances.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Now before I get flamed, I need to tell you that I am from the midwest and have never been to a wedding that the gift "should cover your plate" nor has that been the standard.

Here is my question: If the "cover your plate" is $200 per person and you don't have that kind of money, do you still go to the wedding? What if it was someone close to you who knows what your finances are like?

Just curious....

I have never been in such financial ruin that I could not afford $200. But I would probably decline the invite if I was that poor - I would have other more important things to worry about than a wedding.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

.

I know its not a light topic, but this thread made me think of it.....

Here in the South, especially where I am, it is 'customary' or 'traditional' to take food to the funeral home when someone dies. The thought is that the family is there all day and having food available is a nice gesture to do. It allows them to not have to worry about what to eat or having to leave to go eat. We take everything from KFC, cakes, desserts, finger foods, tea and other drinks, etc. At my grandfathers funeral I made a pot of turnip greens and took because it is a family favorite. Anyone can eat, not just the immediate family. Its not done as a celebration, rather as an act of kindness in helping a family who is aready sufferng. We also take food to their homes during a death as well.

A few years ago, my 19 year old neighbor shot himself. We took fried chicken and 2 cases of Pepsi's to his mothers house. My mother and father then gave them $300 to help with the cost of the burial.

My husband was appalled at this when we got together as he had never heard of it. Im curious to see if this goes on at other parts of the country too.

I always give cash at wakes - they have little envelopes that you can put a check in and a locked box hanging on the wall.

Food at the funeral home is typically catered - just easier that someone else brings in the beer/wine, pop, sweets, sandwiches etc.

 

[LisaNJ25]

Honestly, if they were close enough friends they should know about your financial situation and not included that poem in your invitation. If that is the case than go and give what you can afford, otherwise I would decline the invitation.

Exactly. Jersey girl here and I have never given hundreds for a wedding gift. If you want to hold an very $$ wedding that is fine. I also give what I can afford and I am not concerned about "covering the plate"

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I am from the northeast and please dont put me in that regional category. I totally disagree of paying by plate. Alot of people here do feel this way, but I understand the TRUE meaning of what a wedding is. I invited people to witness the greatest moment of my life. I wanted to share that with them. Never did I go into it thinking that they would cover the cost of their meals . I invited them, I was the hostess and my family paid for the entire wedding. I truly appreciated them being there. My intent of inviting them was not for them to pay for their meal. That is completely nonsense and selfish. When you are invited for dinner to someone's home, you may bring a side dish or something like that, but most people would never bring equivelent to what the hosts are providing to you. I feel the same way about a wedding. I bring what I can. $300.00 as a wedding gift? there is no one in my family that I would give more than $100.00 to. That is insane. children to feed and bills to pay. My gift is given on what my expenses are at the time, not based on who it is.

 

[okeydokey]

I think the cover your place idea is terrible. You should have the wedding you can afford not he wedding you strongarm your guests into paying for. I have been to some pretty ritzy weddings and would never have been able to cover the cost of the plate for my DH and I. I thought the hosts wanted me there to share their joy not pay for their wedding.

I have lived in the NE and the South and it's unheard of in both places in my experience.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

Okay, now since everyone is comparing traditions at weddings, and some have never heard of punch/mints or just cake... it makes me wonder this...

How many places don't do the dollar dance? You know, where you pay to dance with the bride/groom?

This is so interesting to hear all the different "norms" in different places.

Reminds me of when we went to TN for the first time and I asked what kind of pop they had at dinner and they said uhhhh.. OH you mean soda?

I've never heard of the dollar dance, and I'm born and raised in the south. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen around here - I just haven't heard of it.

The garter thing does happen, although I didn't do it at my wedding. I did throw the bouquet. We went to a wedding in April and they did the garter - my kids wanted to know what in the world they were trying to do!

We send/bring food to the home of the family, not the funeral parlor.

Oh, and carbonated beverages are Coke in the Carolinas, whether it is Coke, Pepsi, Sprite, Sundrop, Cheerwine, etc. It's all Coke!

 

[mjkacmom]

I am from the northeast and please dont put me in that regional category. I totally disagree of paying by plate. Alot of people here do feel this way, but I understand the TRUE meaning of what a wedding is. I invited people to witness the greatest moment of my life. I wanted to share that with them. Never did I go into it thinking that they would cover the cost of their meals . I invited them, I was the hostess and my family paid for the entire wedding. I truly appreciated them being there. My intent of inviting them was not for them to pay for their meal. That is completely nonsense and selfish. When you are invited for dinner to someone's home, you may bring a side dish or something like that, but most people would never bring equivelent to what the hosts are providing to you. I feel the same way about a wedding. I bring what I can. $300.00 as a wedding gift? there is no one in my family that I would give more than $100.00 to. That is insane. children to feed and bills to pay. My gift is given on what my expenses are at the time, not based on who it is.

I don't think you are in the cover your plate zone - to me, it's people living less than 30 minutes from NYC, or so. If you were in the zone, you would understand that no one expects to receive a certain amount of money, and no one has big weddings expecting their guests to pay for them (almost everyone I know had their parents pay anyway). I don't even think this tradition occurs in south jersey, which is totally different from north jersey.

 

[Avonlady1001]

I don't think you are in the cover your plate zone - to me, it's people living less than 30 minutes from NYC, or so. If you were in the zone, you would understand that no one expects to receive a certain amount of money, and no one has big weddings expecting their guests to pay for them (almost everyone I know had their parents pay anyway). I don't even think this tradition occurs in south jersey, which is totally different from north jersey.

Long Island, NY girl here. And, yes, it is customary to "cover your plate", however, no one expects a certain amount. Cash is the norm for gifts at weddings, the household items are given as shower gifts. I got married about 6 years ago, spent about $15000 on our wedding (which is pretty cheap for around here & my DH & I paid ourselves). We were so happy with whatever people gave. I didn't care if they gave enough to cover their plate. That's not what it was about. Some people gave a lot (mostly close family), some gave a little. It was very generous no matter the amount. I'm glad everyone was there to celebrate with us.

No one here "strong arms" anyone into a gift amount (as a PP put it). It's just customary around here...not mandatory.

To address the OP, we do the registry thing for the showers....and I think it is very tacky to ask for money instead of gifts. I give a gift even if they ask for money instead. And I think registries are wonderful...saves people from getting a ton of stuff they don't need...and saves people from spending money on stuff that will just sit around for 50 years unused.

 

[tlschmier]

Well, this thread has given me a lot to think about. And chicagodisneyfan, I don't consider my self in"financial ruin" just going through a rough patch like thousands od other Americans. But thanks for the concern...

 

[lspst8]

The dollar dance is big around here (outside of Pittsburgh). I think it is an ethnic thing as most of the people who have "dollar dances" come from Italian or Polish families. They are usualy big firehall weddings with a buffet ... they kind where you have to invite every single second cousin and great aunt or some relative will be offended. I personally think it is really tacky, but some people love it and are disappointed when it is included in the reception!

I have to say that this thread kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I'm getting married in August and having about 12 people at the ceremony and reception. We only have about $5000 for everything, and I'd rather spend my money on a Disneymoon than feeding relatives I don't like I guess deep-down I am kind of jealous of people who have $20,000 to drop on a nice reception and honeymoon, but there is no way I'd go into debt to do it.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

I have to say that this thread kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I'm getting married in August and having about 12 people at the ceremony and reception. We only have about $5000 for everything, and I'd rather spend my money on a Disneymoon than feeding relatives I don't like I guess deep-down I am kind of jealous of people who have $20,000 to drop on a nice reception and honeymoon, but there is no way I'd go into debt to do it.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! We got married 14 years ago and spent less than $7000. While there were things that might have been cool to be able to do, we had a great time and I think our guests did too. We paid for it all ourselves and did not go into debt. While it would be nice to have unlimited funds, the vast majority of us don't and we all have to make choices. I'd rather be at Disney than have a fancier wedding - just personal preference.

 

[amylevan]

I’m a born and raised “Jersey girl”, but my entire extended family is not (including my parents, who moved here right before I was born). My husband, and his family, IS from Jersey.

Anyway, we are completely aware of the “cover your plate” mentality and I take it into consideration when attending weddings in the area. However, my extended family finds it perfectly acceptable to give $25-50 as a wedding gift (or actual gifts, which usually are no where to be seen at weddings here). So at our wedding, we got a mixture of the large monetary gifts (my husband’s family and our friends following the local customs) and smaller gifts from my extended family. All were greatly appreciated and I didn’t expect any particular amount from anyone. Guests are invited to share in your day, not subsidize the wedding. (My parents actually paid for our wedding anyway, but the money was a help towards the down payment on a house.)

The problem for me occurs when I attend family weddings. I feel that I should match what I give at weddings here ($200 for my husband and I to friends or co-workers, $300 if it’s NJ family). However, I don’t want to appear over the top or too showy or whatever to our family who isn’t used to this amount.

Oh and in response to some others, I have been invited to some “backyard” weddings in NJ, but they are probably not what people in other parts of the country would consider backyard. They are fully catered, with fancy tents, chairs and decorations – think country club in your backyard – just as expensive to host.

 

[paladin]

I think the cover your place idea is terrible. You should have the wedding you can afford not he wedding you strongarm your guests into paying for. I have been to some pretty ritzy weddings and would never have been able to cover the cost of the plate for my DH and I. I thought the hosts wanted me there to share their joy not pay for their wedding.

I have lived in the NE and the South and it's unheard of in both places in my experience.

I totally agree - no one should be expected to cover the cost of anything - do you charge folks when you "invite" them to dinner?

If someone can't afford the wedding they are putting on, then they should have something that fits their budget.

 

[momtoBrandon&Jacob]

There's a minimum I give (I'm guessing most people here have one), regardless of the venue (but again, there are NO yard weddings here). I only gave DH's cousin $100, only because the wedding was in NW MA, backyard, and they gave us candlesticks, and I didn't want them to be uncomfortable. Loved the candlesticks, BTW. I would NEVER have expected them to give us money, because it's not the norm in their region.

I don't know why people are offended by this. I'm not offended that people have cake receptions, give toasters, or have cash bars, in other areas. I've never gone to a wedding reception with less than a $200 check (college days) - I would never give a $30 gift, and don't know anyone who would here.

I agree. If I could only afford a $25 gift then I would just not go. We usually give $25 for a kids birthday gift - but certainly not for a wedding. Here (suburbs of Phila) we usually give about $75-$100/pp attending.

 

[lspst8]

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! We got married 14 years ago and spent less than $7000. While there were things that might have been cool to be able to do, we had a great time and I think our guests did too. We paid for it all ourselves and did not go into debt. While it would be nice to have unlimited funds, the vast majority of us don't and we all have to make choices. I'd rather be at Disney than have a fancier wedding - just personal preference.

Thanks for your nice words. I guess I'm a little touchy because I recently went out with a friend, and she was very rude about my plans. She even asked me why my parents weren't throwing us a big party. She apparently thinks her retired mother has a big bank account set aside just in case she ever happens to get married (This friend doesn't have a boyfriend and is over 30.) The fact that she would take thousands of dollars from her mother, I guess says a lot more about her than it does me.

 

[baby1disney]

The wedding is to celebrate their marriage. Get them anything you would like to that you think is appropriate for your budget.

I think that poem is ridiculous. If they have everything that they need, but need money then perhaps they should have had a smaller wedding.

Just because someone has asked for money/gift cards or whatever instead, doesn't mean that they need to have a smaller wedding!! What if it was an older couple...like mid 30's/40's and they have already established a life for themselves and have everything they need?? What if they have really good or decent paying jobs and really don't need anything? Are they not allowed to say that they would rather have cash/cards instead of gifts?!? I'll go into this in a bit........

I think that is sooooo tacky when someone asks for $$ on their wedding invitation (even if it's elegantly worded). When people do that, I usually don't give them money. The bride and groom should be grateful for WHATEVER they receive - whether it be money or a gift. I would give them what you would like to give them. I completely agree w/ you about the whole savvy shopper thing - I'm the same way. They should realize that with the economy today, someone would rather buy something on sale. I usually spend around $50 on a wedding gift...if I was to give money - $50. If I was to get a gift - $50 worth, but using coupons, sales, discounts, etc., I may only spend $35 or $40.
Did you check to see if maybe they registered somewhere? If not, give em what you feel is appropriate - whether it be money or a gift.

Ok...how would you feel being a bride and someone told you that I rather buy you something on sale than give you a card/money?!?

The dollar dance is big around here (outside of Pittsburgh). I think it is an ethnic thing as most of the people who have "dollar dances" come from Italian or Polish families. They are usualy big firehall weddings with a buffet ... they kind where you have to invite every single second cousin and great aunt or some relative will be offended. I personally think it is really tacky, but some people love it and are disappointed when it is included in the reception!

I have to say that this thread kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I'm getting married in August and having about 12 people at the ceremony and reception. We only have about $5000 for everything, and I'd rather spend my money on a Disneymoon than feeding relatives I don't like I guess deep-down I am kind of jealous of people who have $20,000 to drop on a nice reception and honeymoon, but there is no way I'd go into debt to do it.

I know I'm going to get sooo flamed for these comments, but oh well.

As far as the dollar dance goes, did you ever stop to think that sometimes that maybe the ONLY time that the bride and groom can TRULY interact with the guest?!? I think they get at least 30 seconds to dance...depending on how long the line is..to talk, say congrats, and what not. It's not tacky and it's actually alot of fun!!! And..one more thing...it's not just an "ethnic thing". I'm a banquet server and I've seen many of those at my hotel and it's one of the best hotels in my city!!


I guess the reason why I'm soo heated about this is because I pretty much did the same thing. DH and I live in an apartment and if we would've recieved gifts instead...we woul've took them back because we have no room in our apartment. So, I politely(sp?) asked everyone to just please give us gift cards/money because of the size of our apartment. I didn't want anyone to call or give me something that either I couldn't or hadn't used because we either didn't have the room for it, didn't like it, etc. AND...BELEIVE me when I say this: People get very offened and HURT if they got you a gift and you either took it back or haven't used it yet. I've seen this way too many times and that's why it's just easier getting a gift card or giving them cash. That way they can buy whatever they want...when they want...how they want.

Now...maybe the poem was a bit much...but maybe to them they thought it was cute. And with weddings ever changin the standards all the time...everyone is going to be offened at some point!! I have yet to meet a bride and groom who pleased everyone with every part of their wedding planning/ceremony/reception. If anyone knows of any...please give them a HUGE round of appaulse!!!

 

[mafibisha]

I
Oh and in response to some others, I have been invited to some “backyard” weddings in NJ, but they are probably not what people in other parts of the country would consider backyard. They are fully catered, with fancy tents, chairs and decorations – think country club in your backyard – just as expensive to host.

ITA. Some of the the *Garden* (backyard) receptions cost wayyy more than a banquet room. Ha, you should SEE some of the backyards!!! STUNNING.

I was very close with a family whose daughter had one and for what they spent, they could have had the best country club reception!

There are so many variables for each reception that I don't think anyone can really judge.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

Thanks for your nice words. I guess I'm a little touchy because I recently went out with a friend, and she was very rude about my plans. She even asked me why my parents weren't throwing us a big party. She apparently thinks her retired mother has a big bank account set aside just in case she ever happens to get married (This friend doesn't have a boyfriend and is over 30.) The fact that she would take thousands of dollars from her mother, I guess says a lot more about her than it does me.

Just remember it is all about the marriage, not the wedding. Better to start your life together with no debt (and less stress) than to be paying for your wedding while you are celebrating anniversaries.

The niece who had the blowout wedding? She's divorced. Her DH lost his job after 9/11 and they had a lot of financial stress in the marriage, due in part to only having one income and in part to having wedding debt. Not to suggest that people who go into debt for their weddings are more likely to get divorced - it's just that money can cause a lot of tension in a marriage and they had some hard times. Of course, each situation is more complicated than just the money, but it didn't help their chances of survival.

Are they not allowed to say that they would rather have cash/cards instead of gifts?!? I'll go into this in a bit........

Ok...how would you feel being a bride and someone told you that I rather buy you something on sale than give you a card/money?!?

I think the poem has gotten the response it has because they put it in the invitation, basically grubbing for money when they are supposed to be announcing their marriage. It's one thing to tell your family and close friends if they ask that you don't have room for a lot of stuff and would prefer money towards the honeymoon, etc. It's another to send out a blanket request for money as if giving money is a requirement to attend their wedding.

When I was a bride and people asked where I was registered, I told them. But I also told them that they could find many things on my registry cheaper other places, like Steinmart or Marshall's for my Christmas china and other places for other items. I'd much rather my family and friends get the most for their money if they are going to buy me a gift. I always check other places for registry items - if Macy's has a place setting on sale, I'll buy it there even if they are registered at Belk (but I will call Belk and take it off the registry). We registered in one place for convenience, but we happily enjoyed every gift no matter where it was purchased or for what price (well, there was one gift we are still trying to figure out, but we appreciated the thought ).

 

[secretpantssam]

OP: I liked the suggestion of getting something personalized and putting the $25 in it. Even if you just paint their wedding date on something yourself. It's personal and then you can put whatever you can afford in it, and I think that makes a nice gift.


About the "cover your plate" deal...I was also raised in NJ, and while I understand that it's good try to give a cash gift to cover the cost of the wedding, I really don't think it's absolutely necessary. I think being there to celebrate a special occasion is more important than paying for your meal. I actually got into an argument with my sister about it, when I told her I only gave our cousin $50 (that's what I felt comfortable giving at the time) at his wedding and she was saying that wouldn't cover the cost of my meal and that it was rude. But my when my cousin came up to me at the reception, he told me how much he had missed me and how good it was to see me. He didn't ask how much I put in the card, and honestly, I don't think he cared. He invited me so that I could celebrate this wonderful day with him and the rest of my family, not so he could make back the money he spent on the wedding.