Wedding Guests Drama

[Kasper]

I need advice.......
I am the Mom of the Bride and I am planning her wedding for her at Disney World. She lives in Japan and will not even be in the States until two days before we leave for her wedding. Her wedding is Dec. 22nd at the Swan/Dolphin with an intimate dinner at Citricos in the GF after. We have limited this Disney wedding to 25 people but we will be having another reception a week after we get back home in Nashville for a couple hundred. Here is my problem. "My" DH's (the bride's father) sister has blown up at us and is now saying they will not come because she has remarried and now has a 17 year step-daughter that we did not include on the invite for the Disney Wedding. We are only allowed 25 people and I've told her we cannot accommodate any more but they are all welcome to come to the Nashville reception if they want to. She is furious at us and cannot understand why. I have told her that the groom isn't even inviting all his Aunts and Uncles much less cousins, nieces, nephews etc. She is making me feel so horrible about all this but I cannot budge. Does anyone else have these problems? Am I out of line? How do you deal with it? What do you tell people? Waiting with baited breath for some advice!!!
Stressed out Mother of the Bride.

 

[VAN]

So is it only the sit-down at Citrocos that you cannot go over the 25 number?

I can see both sides of the equation ... it costs a lot to go to WDW and they are trying to make a vacation of it. If they want to bring the 17 year old, then they can; however, they are old enough to amuse themselves at the park while the dinner is going on. But that is a bit of an unnecessary slight, don't you think? Unless there are other younger guests coming that you could arrange to eat out at a more age appropriate place?

Not knowing all the details though, I'd almost be inclined to see what could be worked out (different restaurant?) to allow you to expand your numbers should others wish to join you. Any of the guests that do plan to attend are spending a great deal of money and time to travel to Florida for the celebration.

A wedding is, afterall, a time to rejoice and celebrate with the bridal couple ....

I'm really torn about my "advice" because it is really a personal call as to whether you are flexible with your plans in order to save the family peace and have happy feelings all around .....

Tough call .......

 

[LuvLuvLuv]

i understand the number thing, and you really can't budge from it because 26 will turn into 30, which turns into 50... and you have a mess.

if she's 17, i see no reason why she couldn't go on the trip, but enjoy the pool or do something fun for the day/night. she may even like the independence!

i hope it all works out. we had a same sort of drama and we got so mad we decided not to invite anyone. it is maddening when this happens. good luck!!

 

[MariDisney]

Are there other "non-step" children in this family that are being invited? If so, then I think you are out of line not including your new niece in the festivities. If you're not including other children/youth of the same "generation", if you will, then I see no problem with it.

 

[meggydoodle]

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. Like you said both sides (bride and groom) are making concessions on who is invited to the Disney wedding. She should understand as your husbands sister and be an adult about it. I say stick to your guns and don't feel bad. This wedding isn't about her, its about your daughter. Enjoy your event planning!

 

[kharmagirl]

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. Like you said both sides (bride and groom) are making concessions on who is invited to the Disney wedding. She should understand as your husbands sister and be an adult about it. I say stick to your guns and don't feel bad. This wedding isn't about her, its about your daughter. Enjoy your event planning!

I agree. You made your decisions for a reason and I don't think you have to justify them to anyone. We had the same issue and decided no children except for my 2 nieces and nephew. We had a cousin with 2 teenage boys ask if they could come. My wonderful DF stuck to his guns and said no kids because otherwise we'd have 25 of them to invite. The cousin is welcome to bring his boys - they are old enough to hang out at the pool or go to a park together. We have also offered to have a separate room/party for any little children, but it appears that everyone is leaving their little ones home. If someone is so offended that they choose not to come, then that is fine with me and I would not feel bad. At that point they are making it about their drama and not what it should be about - the bride and groom. Enjoy this small moment in time and do what is right for you.

 

[pixie921]

Ah, families! When you limit a guest list, unfortunately there is no way to avoid drama. We went through it with our wedding and are still feeling the repercussions 20 years later! On the other hand, we found out who truly loved us and who was just looking for a free meal (I'm looking at YOU, Uncle David! LOL).

Anyway, you have every right to limit the guest list. One thing I would ask is if your step-niece lives with your sil and her husband? And how long has she been in the family, i.e. do you have a relationship with her and does your daughter? If she lives primarily with her mother and doesn't really know your side of the family, then I don't see why your sil would expect her to be invited. On the other hand, if she lives with your sil and spends time with your family and is friends with your daughter, I can see why your sil would expect her to be on the guest list.

Good luck -- it's definitely a sticky situation!

 

[roxysmum123]

No matter what you do, someone will be upset/annoyed/inconvenienced or some other problem that will make them feel like martyrs. This is NOT her day, and unless she'd like to cover the cost for any extra people over 25 caused by her having a hissy fit about this she really has no say in how this wedding happens. She's had her wedding day, now it's your daughters turn. Give her the day of her dreams, to heck with the haters. Maybe if you reframe it to be "no guests under 21, for alcohol legalities" she may be better about it. Don't lose sleep over it, it's her problem not yours.

 

[Jilian]

I agree that no matter what you do someone will be upset and find a reason to complain. We are doing complete families with our invites, so anyone that has a kid is invited as a family to our VR. We did this for the reasons VAN mentioned above - - when people are travelling a long way to attend a wedding (and spending a lot of money) we wanted to ensure that they could make it a family vacation for themselves and not have to worry about hiring a sitter. Most 17 year olds need sitters (can you say Par-tay at the house?!). Our initial hope was to do a dinner @ Citricos like you've mentioned but our guest list grew so we had to move over to Il Mulino in the swan (they have many private rooms and can accomodate a big crowd), we're up to 60ish people right now. So while I can see where you are coming from I also see why she might be a little upset too (although I do think it is never appropriate to make demands when it is someone else's wedding - she should have just respectfully declined the invite and maybe nicely stated the reason why).

 

[Kasper]

Dear Disney Friends
Thank you so much for all your advice. My DH and I have been so upset over all this and even though I know I cannot please everyone in my heart I want to.
I guess I needed to give a little more history about the situation. My DH's sister has only been remarried since November. We met the new husband and his daughter very briefly over Christmas and my daughter has never met them. Our new niece is a sweet girl and this is in no way about her, just numbers. The ironic thing is we did not invite my sister-in-laws biological son and daughter, our niece and nephew from her first marriage that are now in their 20's. In fact our son and daughter were not invited to our niece's wedding reception in GA next weekend. We were told at Christmas time that due to numbers even we (my DH and I) may not even be invited. We were not upset about it but we did end up being invited. We are not close to these relatives. In fact I can count on one hand the number of times we have even been together in 26 years. We had hoped that by having a "real" wedding reception when we returned from Disney and inviting everyone under the sun it would cover all family and friends that we cannot accommodate at Disney. She said she didn't want to come to that because there would not be alcohol or dancing at that reception (Grooms family- religious beliefs) and she wasn't going to come all that way from New England and not be going to a "real" reception. No matter what, it seems there are hurt feelings and we hadn't intended for that to happen. (My 80 year old DF says this is better than the Soap Opera "Days of Our Lives" ) I do understand that those that are coming are spending a lot of money to be there. We can have as many as we want at the ceremony so this is only about the dinner at Citricos. The only option I feel we have at this point is to change where we are having the dinner to somewhere else where we can have more people. I haven't talked to my DD, the bride, about it yet though and ultimately this is her decision.
So there you have it. Very complicated. I'll let everyone know what we end up doing. Wish me luck. Thank you again for taking the time to tell me how you see it from "outside" the drama. It has helped me get a different perspective.

 

[BecBennett]

Tell DH's sister that no her step daughter is not invited. If she kicks up a stink and says that she's not coming, then good. 2 less people to feed

We've all been there. It's better to stick to your guns

 

[Jilian]

The background makes it different, in my opinion. I don't see why you would invite her, especially since your daughter has never even met them! I don't think you should feel bad, especially since you will be having a large reception later for everyone to attend.

 

[pixie921]

The background makes it different, in my opinion. I don't see why you would invite her, especially since your daughter has never even met them! I don't think you should feel bad, especially since you will be having a large reception later for everyone to attend.

Yup.

 

[disneybex]

Yup.

I agree

 

[VAN]

I think everyone has valid points; HOWEVER, regardless of who is right or wrong, these sorts of events cause life-long animosity. Is it really worth it to create WWIII amongst the family? This sort of drama has been known to carry on for generations, until nobody even remembers what it was all about.

It is, naturally, up to the bride/groom and those funding the event to make the decision; however, sometimes you have to wonder if it is worth it in the end.

Regardless, congratulations!

 

[disneyfan888]

I think every bride experiences this (or families planning the wedding) We had a very intimate wedding in march that only allowed 10 people including us in the venue and this made a few people in our families very angry. We explained that these were the rules made out by Disney and nothing mattered, no matter what we said or how many times we explained some did not get it. I almost changed the venue because It was really saddening me, but then I realized this was our wedding. We were happy with the venue and the dinner plans that followed because it hold special significance for us and we should not have to change it. You can't please everyone. I had already pushed our wedding a year to try and get everyone on board and then when the wedding was around the corner almost no one was able to make it, so we made it a private ceremony and of course then everyone was upset. Like someone said, this is your daughter special day. She doesn't even know them, that might be awkward. I would feel uncomfortable. I really wish you the best, you are throwing another reception for everyone else, if she does not want to go, that is her loss. Your a great mom doing a great thing for your daughter, don't feel bad. Sadly family sometimes pushes are buttons more because they know where to hit to make it hurt. My blessings to you and the future bride and groom!

 

[Terk-1]

It is what it is. If she does not like it, she does not have to attend. Neither you, nor your husband, should not feel bad. This is your daughter's wedding, not you sil's. Dig in your heals on this. If she does not like it, she does not have to go. If this causes a rift with her, then so be it, but if she had any respect for you, your husband or daughter, then she would be more understanding.

My advice to you is that Life is way too short and this is too happy of a time for you, your husband and your daughter to let it be ruined with her hissy fit. Stop worrying about this and start enjoying the planning for this beautiful day.