Wedding Guest Etiquette -Update Post 19

[PigletsMommy]

I'm just wondering if this would be rude...

My cousin is getting married next weekend and I'm wondering if it would be rude for me to "request" dinner seating arrangements?

I didnt even think of this until last night my aunt called because they were doing table assignments for the reception. The wedding is in Michigan & we are flying from Tennessee. She wanted to know if I was bringing a high chair for DD (11 months)...while I thought that was a strange questions since she knows we are flying it also got me thinking this morning about something else.

I do not want to sit with my brother at the reception. We have not been on speaking terms for several months and it will be really tense for us and anyone else assigned to the table. This is my cousin & his soon-to-be wife's day and I dont want any drama to take away from that. I am able to bite my tongue but my brother is not that kind of person. I know, if given the opportunity, he will likely cause a scene.

This is a pretty fancy event. Not black tie, but pretty close to it. I dont want to cross the line and be demanding but its already stressful enough just knowing that he will be there.

Would it be rude of me to call & request a different table than him?

 

[SKWDW]

I wouldn't put it on the bride/groom to seat you away from your brother. There's more than enough stuff to plan for a wedding and reception that they don't need to get involved in family drama.

If I were you I would arrive at the event and check to see if I was slated to sit with the brother. If you are, switch with someone at another table. Many people do not care where they are seated and it would be an easy switch.

I'd go and have a great time in spite of my annoying brother.

 

[mjkacmom]

That's tough - I had a cocktail reception with no formal seating arrangements, but I've heard nightmare stories about making them. I wouldn't call the bride directly - if she has you together, this might throw her over the edge. Maybe inquire with her mother?

 

[DVC Sadie]

I wouldn't put it on the bride/groom to seat you away from your brother. There's more than enough stuff to plan for a wedding and reception that they don't need to get involved in family drama.

If I were you I would arrive at the event and check to see if I was slated to sit with the brother. If you are, switch with someone at another table. Many people do not care where they are seated and it would be an easy switch.

I'd go and have a great time in spite of my annoying brother.

Great advice! Go early and see where you are seated and make a switch if need be.

There is no way I would call the BTB to request a seat change at the last minute. Can you imagine if 10% of the guests made a special request how unnerving it would be for them.

 

[mtemm]

if you are close to your aunt, call her and talk with her just like you did here...that you wouldn't dream of making a fuss, and you totally understand if its not possible to switch up what might already be determined, but if there is any chance at all would it be possible, etc, etc.

know that it may not be possible. in which case, just switch with someone who might be willing (without making a scene) when you are there.

just promise that you won't make drama either way, and be understanding if it can't be changed. and then plan to dance a LOT so you aren't at the table much if it ends up not going your way.

 

[Abbie]

Rude? Yes. That said, I would echo a pp and simply ask your aunt if you feel that can be done. And ask, not tell her what you want.

As far as your brother, there will only be drama if you engage. Ignore him if you must but don't take any bait he puts out. If he choose to cause a scene allow him to do it all alone, just walk away. Be pleasant, don't do anything to spoil this wedding (not that you would but you know).

And who knows? Maybe joining together to celebrate this marriage might be the push that's needed to mend fences!

 

[goofy4tink]

Call your aunt today, or tonight. Tell her, the same way you told us, what the situation is. Ask to be seated at a different table than your brother. If it can't be done, then, just bite your tongue and dance a lot..or find someone to visit and plop at their table for a bit.

 

[PigletsMommy]

I wouldn't put it on the bride/groom to seat you away from your brother. There's more than enough stuff to plan for a wedding and reception that they don't need to get involved in family drama.

If I were you I would arrive at the event and check to see if I was slated to sit with the brother. If you are, switch with someone at another table. Many people do not care where they are seated and it would be an easy switch.

I'd go and have a great time in spite of my annoying brother.

That's tough - I had a cocktail reception with no formal seating arrangements, but I've heard nightmare stories about making them. I wouldn't call the bride directly - if she has you together, this might throw her over the edge. Maybe inquire with her mother?

Great advice! Go early and see where you are seated and make a switch if need be.

There is no way I would call the BTB to request a seat change at the last minute. Can you imagine if 10% of the guests made a special request how unnerving it would be for them.

Sorry, I guess I didnt post it quite right. I would not dream of contacting my cousin or his BTB to talk to them about it. I remember too well the weeks leading up to my wedding and out of town guests calling me to make special arrangements. If anyone I could contact my aunt. Thank you for your responses tho... I like the idea of going early and checking out who all is at the table.

if you are close to your aunt, call her and talk with her just like you did here...that you wouldn't dream of making a fuss, and you totally understand if its not possible to switch up what might already be determined, but if there is any chance at all would it be possible, etc, etc.

know that it may not be possible. in which case, just switch with someone who might be willing (without making a scene) when you are there.

just promise that you won't make drama either way, and be understanding if it can't be changed. and then plan to dance a LOT so you aren't at the table much if it ends up not going your way.

Thank you... I may contact my aunt tonight and just "inquire" about who else is at our table. At least then I will know if going early & swapping with someone else is even needed. Maybe I am worrying for nothing. As for our family drama I know all I can do is bite my tongue and walk away...then be the dancing banana!

Rude? Yes. That said, I would echo a pp and simply ask your aunt if you feel that can be done. And ask, not tell her what you want.

As far as your brother, there will only be drama if you engage. Ignore him if you must but don't take any bait he puts out. If he choose to cause a scene allow him to do it all alone, just walk away. Be pleasant, don't do anything to spoil this wedding (not that you would but you know).

And who knows? Maybe joining together to celebrate this marriage might be the push that's needed to mend fences!

I'm not the type of person who 'tells' someone what to do... I usually run from confrontation. It takes a lot for me to speak up. Which I guess is why my brother likes to choose public family events to get me going. As for mending fences...some fences are better left broken but thanks.

 

[Mickey527]

I remember the worst part of planning my wedding was doing the seating chart.
My aunt wasn't speaking the her DIL, my cousin was angry at her brother, My Grandmother didn't want to be seated with her other daughter she wanted to sit with my mother. etc...
It was hard but it was easier than having fights and scenes at the wedding. I wanted to have the people on other sides of the floor with the dance floor inbetween.
I would call your aunt and explain because she might have you both at a table close to her in a family group rather just spread around. She might want to keep you in the same area but at seperate tables.
I wouldn'g go to the wedding and try and change seats. there might be a group of co-workers seated together and you would break them up, or a family of parents and older kids, etc... Make the call tonight.

 

[wvjules]

Maybe they are aware of your relationship and didn't seat you together.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

Since it sounds like your brother is quite the jerk, maybe he's already called and demanded that you not be seated with him.

At least his jerkiness would work in your favour for once!!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm in the camp that it is rude to switch seats after we spent time to match everyone together.

We had that happen--and in the end, a family member got stuck at a table with the "help" (photographer, videographer and dj whom we opted to feed a meal) and was quite offended. (well part of the problem was she called the day before with THREE additional guests that we did accomodate)--but when someone decided to arbitrarily go to the seat of a no show--it made it seem that we did "revenge" seating when we didn't. We very carefully accomodated her rudeness, but someone else's rudeness made it appear that WE were the ones being rude and that is just a horrible place to put the bride and groom who *presumably* do their best to make their guests feel comfortable despite any of their guests own personal issues.

If it is important to you--bring it up, if not--then go with the flow. Under no circumstances should you switch seating at the event b/c it can be construed as insulting to the hosts who on their special day would rather not be caught up with family drama that has nothing to do with them.

I would trust that the bride and her groom have *Some* knowledge of family dynamic to know who can and cannot sit together.

 

[suzannen]

I would call this same aunt ASAP and simply explain that there are major issues between you now and you do not want to cause any problems or drama, but does she know if you are seated near your brother. If she says "no", you have no problem; if she's alerted, she may be able to make a switch in time.

But, I handle special events and seating headaches a lot. PLEASE NEVER take it upon yourself to switch your seat once you arrive at an event. To do that is truly one of the most rude and thoughtless things to ever do to your host/hostess who has most likely spent days and hours pouring over the seating. When you change even one person's seat at your whim, it could cause larger problems for someone else or, as has been posted, break up a couple or group that was supposed to be together. That is a huge no-no, please don't resort to that. It could cause more problems for the bride/groom - trust me, I've seen it and seen tears and tantrums and bad scenes caused by it. Make the call and try to circumvent it now!

 

[bumbershoot]

Since the aunt already called for a bit of input, I'd just call her back really casually, and without asking if you're seated near him, just inform her that you and your brother aren't getting along *at all*, and let her go from there.

Is this rift known of in the family? If so, it's probably not going to be an issue as surely they wouldn't seat you guys together.


It's funny, the whole seating chart thing seemed SO important to me, I agonized...and then my best friend ended up in the hospital the month before the wedding, and I spent the time with her instead of doing the seating chart. Just wasn't important anymore.

And the guests ended up seating themselves in a FAR better way than I ever could have worked out. It was really cool to see! (I too had family problems with a brother who doesn't speak to the other sibs or father)

 

[mtemm]

I would call this same aunt ASAP and simply explain that there are major issues between you now and you do not want to cause any problems or drama, but does she know if you are seated near your brother. If she says "no", you have no problem; if she's alerted, she may be able to make a switch in time.

But, I handle special events and seating headaches a lot. PLEASE NEVER take it upon yourself to switch your seat once you arrive at an event. To do that is truly one of the most rude and thoughtless things to ever do to your host/hostess who has most likely spent days and hours pouring over the seating. When you change even one person's seat at your whim, it could cause larger problems for someone else or, as has been posted, break up a couple or group that was supposed to be together. That is a huge no-no, please don't resort to that. It could cause more problems for the bride/groom - trust me, I've seen it and seen tears and tantrums and bad scenes caused by it. Make the call and try to circumvent it now!

when I said switch I didn't mean just switch, I meant ask someone you know who is sitting at a different table if they want to switch, or if they mind switching. I would NEVER advocate just switching w/o an okay from the person you are switching with.

 

[wdwfan16]

A guest should sit where the host/hostess seats them.

 

[PigletsMommy]

No I wouldnt just swap someone else without ASKING them first. That goes without saying, IMO.

I'm going to call my aunt in a little bit & ask her who she has at our table. Hopefully I am just stressing for no reason.

 

[suzannen]

No I wouldnt just swap someone else without ASKING them first. That goes without saying, IMO.

I'm going to call my aunt in a little bit & ask her who she has at our table. Hopefully I am just stressing for no reason.

Good luck and please keep us posted. Believe me, I KNOW family drama and am hoping maybe your aunt is already aware of the situation and that you are at separate tables! Otherwise, I would eat quietly and quickly and spend a LOT of time hopping to other tables and visiting with other friends and family!

I'm going to have to help my DD with the seating at her wedding next year with over 275 guests including stepfamilies, half-sisters/brothers, divorces with multiple family members not speaking - and I'm already having nightmares about it! Luckily it's a LARGE ballroom so I hope I can keep everyone separated and we would not mind if someone called ahead to alert us of a problem. Another reason I'd love to hear that your situation worked out. I might sleep better!

 

[PigletsMommy]

Well we did get this sorted out and thank you to each of you that took time to respond. I went back and forth many times on whether to say something or just hope for the best. And luckily things kind of just came together.

My mom had actually planned on calling my aunt on something completely different and basically let my aunt do some talking about wedding details and the issues they are having (apparently BTB is somewhat disorganized). My mom just asked who she is sitting with and aunt said she couldnt remember everyone but that my brother & I were definitely at the table However apparently my uncle in the background overheard the conversation and spoke up. Apparently my father had said something already. My aunt then asked my mom if she thought they should put us at different tables! Yippee...problem solved and it didn't necessarily come from me!

I was absolutely totally completely prepared to just deal with it. I had thought about it and if we were seated together I would just live thru it and walk away if any drama happened. Luckily I can relax a little and enjoy the time with the rest of my family.

Oh ya..Suzannen your wedding sounds like this family wedding!! My parents are not married (15 years divorced) and yes they are both invited to this wedding. It is actually my dad's side of the family but my mother is still very much involved. In fact this same family had a wedding for a different son about 7 or 8 years ago and talk about DRAMA! My father and 4 of his brothers all got divorced within a few years of each other but they all had been married more than 20 years. My cousins felt, and still do, that these women had been their aunts for 20 years and the divorces did not change that so every one of them was invited. There was over 400 people at that wedding reception and they did a very good job at keeping all the ex's on seperate ends of the room. It was actually one of the best weddings & receptions I have ever been to (except my own) Good Luck on your planning and keep me posted!

 

[mtemm]

yay! so glad it worked out for you.