Wedding Gift Rant

[SarahInMN]

**Granted, this post is only Disney related insofar as we are getting married at WDW, but I don't belong to any other wedding boards**

My fiance and I don't want people buying us gifts. We both own our own homes and that means we are merging everything and donating what we don't need. Despite the fact that neither of us have ever been married, we have more than enough linens and kitchenware and tchotchkes. I realize it may sound ungrateful, but, from a practical standpoint, we don't need anything (well, except for someone to buy my house ). We both have assumed that asking our guests (62 in total) to travel to Florida to be with us is gift enough.

We knew some people would insist on buying something, and, in lieu of gifts, we have set up a mechanism through which they can donate to a local shelter (it is not affiliated with any religion) which provides housing and assistance to abused women and their children.

So, my mom and I were talking yesterday, and she said "all these people are asking where you are registered." I reminded her that we were not registering anywhere. She then told me that they really wanted to buy us something. I told her that, if they wanted to honor our wedding, that they could donate. She responded with "well, I don't know if they would do that." My response was "so, they would spent 100 or so dollars on china that we don't need but wouldn't want to donate the same amount of money to a good cause?" She suggested we register at an actual store.

I am trying to be patient with her; I can't imagine this small, non-traditional wedding is what she anticipated as all of her friends' kids had massively ornate and traditional affairs. I also know that she has bought gifts for all those friends' kids (wedding showers, weddings, and baby showers), and here I am saying that we don't want anything. I get that people want to, I don't know, honor us or celebrate the wedding in some way, but we don't need gifts. And my mom doesn't see that donating in our name or in celebration of our wedding is a wonderful thing to do.

Argh...I am not caving in and registering at a store. I just don't want this to be a sore spot between my mother and I.

I mean, is it all that weird for people to not want actual gifts and to set up a donation registry?

Insert primal scream here

Thanks for letting me ramble.

 

[twiu]

That cracks me up! I think people are just so used to "tradition". Most people (mostly older generations) feel obligated to do things the way they were taught. It's all good. I understand where you are coming from and I think it's fabulous! (I wish I could be that fabulous...).

I say, stick to your guns about not having a registry... then hopefully these people will write you checks. When they do, take the money and donate it yourself to charity. Win win!

 

[disney*planner*girl]

Perhaps you can call the shelter and inquire into what items they need. Go to a store and register for those items. When you receive them take them to the shelter. Or take your used ones to the shelter and keep the new ones that were given as gifts. (Some guests may be miffed that you took their gifts to the shelter.)

 

[Ember]

A bride who isn't seeking seeking gifts? Who isn't concerned with how to get what she wants out of people? Who cares about her guests and not the presents their going to bring?!

Stick to your guns. Your wedding will be making a positive difference in the world, what a great way to begin a life together. If I were a guest I would donate twice what I would spend on a gift, because it's such a selfless and gracious act of kindness.

 

[SarahInMN]

Thanks for your replies!

Part of my mother’s response makes me worry about what else she may expect. She says that this is our (meaning DF and my) wedding, and whatever makes us happy makes her happy. But she clearly has expectations and is already floored that I am not being given away. What else will she subconsciously expect? Like a white wedding dress (versus my black skirt and ivory/black bustier). I never gave my wedding much thought until last fall when my DF and I met, so I had no pre-existing plans or wishes. I have just been viewing this as one big party and am planning it as a big party which happens to be a wedding versus a big wedding party. I know we’ll be thrilled and I suspect our guests will really think it went well too.

That cracks me up! I think people are just so used to "tradition"...hopefully these people will write you checks. When they do, take the money and donate it yourself to charity. Win win!

Twiu, tradition really can be a killer, can’t it? It had never occurred to me that people (well, really my mom’s friends who aren’t invited and whom I haven’t seen in 10 years) would send checks. That simply isn’t done among her friends, but maybe they will get frustrated with the no gift registry thing. Then we can just past the gift along.

Perhaps you can call the shelter and inquire into what items they need. Go to a store and register for those items. When you receive them take them to the shelter.

DisneyPlannerGirl, that is a fantastic idea ! We had never thought of creating a registry with the intent of donating the items to the shelter. It might seem odd to register for toiletries but I’m sure they could use linens or hair dryers or small appliances. We’ll definitely ask them.

A bride who isn't seeking seeking gifts? Who isn't concerned with how to get what she wants out of people? Who cares about her guests and not the presents their going to bring?!

Ember, maybe it’s age (although at 32, I’m not exactly ancient ), or the fact that we are merging two houses full of stuff into one house, but I so do not want any towels or blenders or china. It just seemed like the pinnacle of conspicuous consumption to ask for gifts when we’ve already donated about seven carloads of stuff already. I don’t know: we both just felt so guilty about even the idea of registering when people are schlepping to Florida and when we already have so much stuff.

Your wedding will be making a positive difference in the world, what a great way to begin a life together

Ember, thanks for your really sweet words! That is what I want guests/parents’ friends to think of when they are considering donating to charity. Well, that and that we threw one hell of a party.

 

[Tabetha]

I agree with the idea of registering for items that the charity needs. Win-win. Especially if you do it through one of those registries that donate a portion to a charity. That's actually win-win-WIN!

 

[29apr00]

Perhaps you can call the shelter and inquire into what items they need. Go to a store and register for those items. When you receive them take them to the shelter. Or take your used ones to the shelter and keep the new ones that were given as gifts. (Some guests may be miffed that you took their gifts to the shelter.)

That is a really faboulous idea!! And if they do decide to get you something like china or whatever, just return it to the store, get a store gift card, and donate that also to the shelter! Then they really can buy whatever they need.

 

[alissa2008]

yes, planner girls idea is superb! I was going to suggest that you register for a honeymoon registry (maybe a backstage tour or a pre-ceremony massage, mani pedi) i mean, it satisfies the people who want to give you something, but you don't want up lugging junk home that you don't need.

 

[SarahInMN]

I'm hoping my mother will just forget about this or let it go. And I really hope she doesn't have any other preconceived ideas for our wedding.

Especially if you do it through one of those registries that donate a portion to a charity. That's actually win-win-WIN!

Tabetha, we have actually set up our donation registry through a site like that (I do foundation), so if it comes to it we could use that site to do a registry for "gifts" to donate. I like win-win-win.

just return it to the store, get a store gift card

29Apr00, another idea which had never occurred to me. We'd just need to "encourage" my mom's friends to shop at stores that we have here locally but doable.

yes, planner girls idea is superb. I was going to suggest that you register for a honeymoon registry

Alissa, it was superb, wasn't it? We thought about the honeymoon registry, but we just feel weird about asking for stuff for ourselves.

Thanks y'all!

 

[Tabetha]

However it works out, you're a pretty terrific lady (and fella).

 

[IndyBride]

I was also thinking about a honeymoon registry. That way you satisfy your guests and mother's wants but don't feel as though you are getting things you don't need. Instead you are making memories!

 

[SarahInMN]

However it works out, you're a pretty terrific lady

Thanks Tabetha!

I was also thinking about a honeymoon registry.

Yah, we're both somewhat opposed to a honeymoon registry, but who knows? I have a sinking feeling that once the invites go out, then even our friends/guests who know we don't want gifts might start insisting out of tradition. And we may need to circle back to some other ideas.

I'm just hopeful that we'll be able to reign in everyone else's conceptions of what "should" be done at a wedding or for a couple.

Thanks for your input!!

 

[Swmhc]

We had the same problems. My DH and I both had fully functioning homes and needed nothing ! Everyone kept insisting on a shower before the wedding and then when we moved into a new home wanted a shower for that too. We simply told them, that if they really wanted a shower, we would host it at our house and rather than receiving gifts, everyone that came HAD to take something home with them (as we had WAY TOO much for one home...4 sofas, 5 beds....and so on). They opted to give us Disney gift cards instead, which we used for extras on our honeymoon and following trips. So, they didn't listen to the "no gifts", but did go with something we could actually use.

Good luck, as I know people are pretty set on tradition.

 

[SarahInMN]

Also, a good suggestion: Disney gift cards.

Tradition can be such a pain sometimes!

 

[disprincessatheart]

if you did a disney honeymoon registry, you could use that money to pay for the room and food and all on your honeymoon, then take the cash you would have used to pay for the disneymoon and donate it to the shelter.

 

[pink_tink8i8]

That is a really faboulous idea!! And if they do decide to get you something like china or whatever, just return it to the store, get a store gift card, and donate that also to the shelter! Then they really can buy whatever they need.

I agree, that's a really good suggestion

 

[wendy46001]

Perhaps you can call the shelter and inquire into what items they need. Go to a store and register for those items. When you receive them take them to the shelter. Or take your used ones to the shelter and keep the new ones that were given as gifts. (Some guests may be miffed that you took their gifts to the shelter.)

I think this is a wonderful idea as well
dont forget the shelter might just need
dishes, glasses, a new toaster....