Wedding gift for a couple that has everything already... Please help.

[cabanafrau]

I think just because someone chooses to do something "backwards" and not in line with someone else's views doesn't mean they don't get to have their experience or memories.

I think having any kind of wedding they want to pay for is up to them. Be it a big affair or 5 people on the beach. They deserve to celebrate their event anyway they see fit. Along with that, one shower and the bachelor/bachelorette parties. If someone feels it's out of line they can RSVP no.

My SO's two cousins are getting married. Both have lived with their partner for 2-3 years each. Neither is registering for anything so that means all cash gifts IMO. Easier for me! One had a bridal shower and the bachelor/bachelorette parties. The other did an engagement party, will be having a bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties and it's a destination wedding.

Could care less what order they do things in. What I think is tasteless is any idea that it's anybody's turn to "cash in" by having multiple events where people are obliged to gift you, or multiple events where people are obliged to spend piles of money to participate/attend.

Long term friends of ours married about five years ago and I attended a fun bachelorette dinner and they threw the nicest wedding I've been to. It's not that it was so extremely posh. It was tasteful and luxurious and simply really happy and celebratory.

Nothing wrong on going in on a gift.

 

[piccolopat]

I think just because someone chooses to do something "backwards" and not in line with someone else's views doesn't mean they don't get to have their experience or memories.

I think having any kind of wedding they want to pay for is up to them. Be it a big affair or 5 people on the beach. They deserve to celebrate their event anyway they see fit. Along with that, one shower and the bachelor/bachelorette parties. If someone feels it's out of line they can RSVP no.

My SO's two cousins are getting married. Both have lived with their partner for 2-3 years each. Neither is registering for anything so that means all cash gifts IMO. Easier for me! One had a bridal shower and the bachelor/bachelorette parties. The other did an engagement party, will be having a bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties and it's a destination wedding.

I have to wonder what the purpose of the bridal shower and parties are at this stage of the game. Living together for this long means they have already set up their household, traditionally the reason behind showers. Bachelor and bachelorette parties (overblown in my opinion) were intended to say goodbye to being single. Again, once you've been living with someone this long means you really haven't been single for quite some time. I think any wedding should be celebrated but these other events, IMHO, are overkill in the situations described.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Could care less what order they do things in. What I think is tasteless is any idea that it's anybody's turn to "cash in" by having multiple events where people are obliged to gift you, or multiple events where people are obliged to spend piles of money to participate/attend.

Long term friends of ours married about five years ago and I attended a fun bachelorette dinner and they threw the nicest wedding I've been to. It's not that it was so extremely posh. It was tasteful and luxurious and simply really happy and celebratory.

Nothing wrong on going in on a gift.

I do disagree about them having multiple showers. I had a friend that did that and I only went to ONE. I don't get having multiple showers AT ALL. But I also think throwing your own shower is tacky.

Aren't all showers about getting gifts? Bridal shower, baby shower?? No one goes empty handed.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Personally, I've been married before. That was in city hall right before he left to Iraq. We're divorced. If I'm every crazy enough to get married again I will elope and not have any of the extras. Or I'll do a destination "elopement" and give people the info and if they want to come they can but I'm not having a reception. NO WAY would I spend in the tens of thousands for one night. Not happening. They can use it as a vacation and enjoy the trip with us if they'd like.

But I don't care if others choose to do the opposite.

 

[Gracie09]

we typically give cash for weddings. For the shower (if you go) I go with tiffany candlesticks. You can get a nice set for about $120. Or one of their bowls/trays.

 

[Disneylover99]

I think it's perfectly fine to go in on a gift with others, as long as you're not doing it to cheap out.

So (for example) if you were thinking about giving them a gift worth $150 as a couple, I think it's tacky to go in on a $200 gift with two other couples and divide the cost.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So while having lunch with 2 others ladies that are invited they asked if we wanted to go in with them on a wedding gift... Would this be terribly tasteless?

Wedding gift? Honestly, I give cash for that so I probably would not "go in" there. I agree with a PP, that their gift selection "asks" for cash gifts.

The bridal shower is the tougher one with a registry like that. That is party where you do give a gift! I would opt for a "honeymoon" gift.

If you want pictures of you in your white frocks, that is going to cost you money. Don't forget that cost on top of the weekend getaway expense!

All I can say is this wedding is going to cost you a small fortune. If the friend group is worth it and you can afford it, then just roll with it and have a good time.

 

[georgina]

As described by the OP, I would certainly decline to attend some of the events, it's just too much.

My DD got married recently, and several of her have friends also, and inviting a bigger group (other than just the bridal party) to the bachelorette party is definitely a thing now.

 

[gotomu212]

I have to wonder what the purpose of the bridal shower and parties are at this stage of the game. Living together for this long means they have already set up their household, traditionally the reason behind showers. Bachelor and bachelorette parties (overblown in my opinion) were intended to say goodbye to being single. Again, once you've been living with someone this long means you really haven't been single for quite some time. I think any wedding should be celebrated but these other events, IMHO, are overkill in the situations described.

I have a very similar friend who is getting married after 15 years with their now fiancé. This same friend has gone to numerous wedding showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers for all of us friends over the years-always with a smile and a gift in hand. None of her friends now begrudge her the same experience. For some people a wedding is a celebration that includes a shower or Bachlerette party- I dont think there should be an expiration date for getting to enjoy those just because you decided to wait longer to tie the knot.

 

[scrapquitler]

Some friends are getting married after living together for 19 years, but just recently decided to tie the knot.. These friends are not even what I would call close friends, but we do socialize with them.

So they are going all out, Huge wedding and reception, followed by a after party.. Soooo all out.

So far we have been invited to the couples shower, DH the bachelor party, I have been invited to another bridal shower and Bridal Tea and the bachelorette party. Which the bridal Tea requires me to get a long dress and matching wide brimmed hat and the bachelorette party is a weekend getaway and we all need a white outfit for the photo shoot, that is going to be taken at the beach...

So with all that... I just looked at their wedding registry... The picture frames are over 100.00 dollars for a 5x7, A vase that is 450.00 dollars and then I noticed another link to their honeymoon were you can gift money for couples massages, golf and private dinners and so forth...

So while having lunch with 2 others ladies that are invited they asked if we wanted to go in with them on a wedding gift... Would this be terribly tasteless?

Since these are not close friends, I would be busy for at least some of these events. If I am not part of the bridal party, I'm not buying some special sort of clothing and matching hat for a photo shoot. I'm also not going to a weekend long event out of town for someone who isn't a close friend. But that's just me.

And for me, wedding gift always means CASH. Then I don't have to stress about brands of skillets, expensive doohickeys etc. The registry is not a requirement, it's a suggestion.

In this case, I'd probably go to the couples shower, buy a gift that I like and that is within my budget. And I'd go to the wedding and bring a card with cash.

 

[fly girl]

Cash.

Easy. Peasy. Done.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't really care what anyone else has or does for their wedding celebrations, but I do not go to more than one event, so if there was a Jack and Jill, a stag and a bridal shower, I would choose one. I would not go to the bachelorette party. I think that is for the bridal party and maybe close friends. You say you are not that close.

As to the wedding, I give cash. I always give cash. I do this for showers as well. I know that people say it is tacky, but I bet no one has ever been asked for a gift receipt or seen their cash gift on the local buy and sell.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I have a very similar friend who is getting married after 15 years with their now fiancé. This same friend has gone to numerous wedding showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers for all of us friends over the years-always with a smile and a gift in hand. None of her friends now begrudge her the same experience. For some people a wedding is a celebration that includes a shower or Bachlerette party- I dont think there should be an expiration date for getting to enjoy those just because you decided to wait longer to tie the knot.

You said it better than I did.

 

[piccolopat]

I have a very similar friend who is getting married after 15 years with their now fiancé. This same friend has gone to numerous wedding showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers for all of us friends over the years-always with a smile and a gift in hand. None of her friends now begrudge her the same experience. For some people a wedding is a celebration that includes a shower or Bachlerette party- I dont think there should be an expiration date for getting to enjoy those just because you decided to wait longer to tie the knot.

It's really a matter of opinion and we clearly have different points of view but that's OK. You didn't say if your friend has been living with her fiancé these past 15 years. If not, I don't see a problem with these festivities (though personally I would scale them down a bit) since the couple is really just starting their lives together.

 

[Vijoge]

So far we have been invited to the couples shower, DH the bachelor party, I have been invited to another bridal shower and Bridal Tea and the bachelorette party. Which the bridal Tea requires me to get a long dress and matching wide brimmed hat and the bachelorette party is a weekend getaway and we all need a white outfit for the photo shoot, that is going to be taken at the beach...

So counting the wedding, between you and your husband I see six invitations! Oh, my! Plus special outfit requirements for two of them. For someone you're not even close to? RSVP yes to the wedding and give a cash gift in the amount of your choice. Decline the other invitations. In the Bride's defense, she may be trying to avoid hurt feelings by inviting some people to one event and not the others so she just invited everyone to everything. But that doesn't mean you should feel pressured to attend them all. Or any of them, actually.

 

[roseaster]

RSVP "yes" to what you can afford or want to attend.

Give cash, give what you can afford.

 

[mnrose]

After 19 years they want a wedding? And they want to pretend like they are "just starting out?" Ugh.

No. Just no.

Just for comparison purposes, I'm attending a wedding at the end of this month. The couple in question are both previously married and divorced (to other people), and have been together for 10 years. Much to our surprise (and after years of saying they would "never" get married), they are now taking the plunge. It's a very low key affair on the beach at their lake place, and they have specifically said "NO GIFTS." I'm more than happy to share in their joy. I think they are being completely classy.

 

[PlainJane]

I would, personally, decline all of the invitations except for the wedding and the couple's shower. If DH wanted to go to the bachelor party, that would be up to him (though he would only attend tame ones that include like Buffalo Wild Wings and maybe a pay per view UFC fight). For the wedding I would be writing a check or giving a gift card. The shower is more difficult. I think it could be seen as tacky to do a joint gift with other guests and gift cards/checks could be seen the same way, but it is definitely ridiculously tacky to only put incredibly expensive gifts on your registry. The couple has put you between a rock and a hard place on that one. I would just accept that some might think I'm not being miss manners and just do the gift card/check/joint gift or just pick out something that I like for the couple that isn't on their registry.

I think it's great that they are getting married, but the number of events they are throwing and the expectations being put on guests would be inappropriate for any wedding.

 

[King Schultz]

Some friends are getting married after living together for 19 years, but just recently decided to tie the knot.. These friends are not even what I would call close friends, but we do socialize with them.

So they are going all out, Huge wedding and reception, followed by a after party.. Soooo all out.

So far we have been invited to the couples shower, DH the bachelor party, I have been invited to another bridal shower and Bridal Tea and the bachelorette party. Which the bridal Tea requires me to get a long dress and matching wide brimmed hat and the bachelorette party is a weekend getaway and we all need a white outfit for the photo shoot, that is going to be taken at the beach...

So with all that... I just looked at their wedding registry... The picture frames are over 100.00 dollars for a 5x7, A vase that is 450.00 dollars and then I noticed another link to their honeymoon were you can gift money for couples massages, golf and private dinners and so forth...

So while having lunch with 2 others ladies that are invited they asked if we wanted to go in with them on a wedding gift... Would this be terribly tasteless?

Just to clarify; are you and DH invited to the actual wedding or no?

 

[Disney Doll]

I kind of agree that if I wasn't that close to these people I wouldn't be attending all these pre-wedding festivities. I'd probably do a shower and the wedding. If DH wanted to do the bachelor party, that would be up to him.

If I wanted to do all these events because my gang was going to be there and I didn't want to miss the fun, then the expense of participating is part of that decision.

As far as the gift, if I was going to give them $125 cash then I'd chip that amount in with other couples to buy a more expensive gift (i.e.- 3 couples at $125 each to buy a $375 gift).

Otherwise I'd just give what I thought was an appropriate cash amount.