Wedding gift etiquette- destination wedding?

[KarenAylwood]

A little background first... I am going to my friend's wedding - she's from Texas so it would have cost a bunch of money to fly to it (~$400 each for DBF and I) but she decided to have it on Amelia Island in Florida instead. So instead of flying we're driving to save money (and stopping in Savannah to stay with family so we don't have to drive the whole way in one day). Also staying in a hotel for two nights- we chose the cheaper Hampton Inn rather than the Ritz ($350 a night "special" rate, minimum of 2 night stay). The wedding and reception are at the Ritz.

Her shower is in May and I'm invited. I cannot attend (just too expensive for that). She's not a best friend but a friend from college. At one time we were close but in the 6 years since I graduated (7 for her) we've lost touch to only email contact and I'll see her once a year at a wedding or something.

She's very "high class" and somewhat stuck up about things (bought a Mercedes right out of school, wears only labels, etc). She's registered for a lot of expensive gifts (her china is $400 a place setting and she's registered for almost $10,000 worth of glassware.. and that's not including everyday glassware).

I'm not sending a shower gift as I'm not attending the wedding. I am, however bringing a date (my serious DBF). Most of my friends are not bringing dates or husbands, and one said she's spending $100-$150 on a gift. I can't afford to spend $200-300 on this wedding on top of everything else! What's reasonable? Is it reasonable to spend $100 on a gift for two people? DBF has met her twice so it's not like he's an old friend either. People say "cover your plate" but really? I'm sure this wedding at the Ritz is costing her (CFO) dad a good amount of money.

Sorry this is so long and drawn out. Any opinions?

 

[msmayor]

I guess I'm wondering more why you'd consider spending all this time and money to go to a destination wedding of someone who really seems more like an acquaintance at this stage of your life.

You said you see her 'maybe' once a year, and only contact via e-mail. Do you think this will change at all?

 

[deebits]

I do not know etiquette answer, but I would say atleast $200 for two people. I know the Ritz is expensive and do not even think the $200 would cover the plate. That is just my opinion and you are really the only one who needs to be comfortable with what you are giving.

 

[poohfriend77]

I don't think the fact that it's a "destination wedding" makes a difference in this case. You'd be traveling either way, and it sounds like this may be a bit cheaper for you to attend. Besides, no matter where the wedding is, I think guests should give what they can comfortably and happily give without worrying about "covering their plate." Especially if you're pretty sure Daddy's picking up the tab for the wedding.

That said, if you're worried the bride will think you're cheap, and if you're not that close anyway, I'd probably not make the trip at all.

 

[MKCP5]

A little background first... I am going to my friend's wedding - she's from Texas so it would have cost a bunch of money to fly to it (~$400 each for DBF and I) but she decided to have it on Amelia Island in Florida instead. So instead of flying we're driving to save money (and stopping in Savannah to stay with family so we don't have to drive the whole way in one day). Also staying in a hotel for two nights- we chose the cheaper Hampton Inn rather than the Ritz ($350 a night "special" rate, minimum of 2 night stay). The wedding and reception are at the Ritz.

Her shower is in May and I'm invited. I cannot attend (just too expensive for that). She's not a best friend but a friend from college. At one time we were close but in the 6 years since I graduated (7 for her) we've lost touch to only email contact and I'll see her once a year at a wedding or something.

She's very "high class" and somewhat stuck up about things (bought a Mercedes right out of school, wears only labels, etc). She's registered for a lot of expensive gifts (her china is $400 a place setting and she's registered for almost $10,000 worth of glassware.. and that's not including everyday glassware).

I'm not sending a shower gift as I'm not attending the wedding. I am, however bringing a date (my serious DBF). Most of my friends are not bringing dates or husbands, and one said she's spending $100-$150 on a gift. I can't afford to spend $200-300 on this wedding on top of everything else! What's reasonable? Is it reasonable to spend $100 on a gift for two people? DBF has met her twice so it's not like he's an old friend either. People say "cover your plate" but really? I'm sure this wedding at the Ritz is costing her (CFO) dad a good amount of money.

Sorry this is so long and drawn out. Any opinions?

Kinda thinking you aren't close anymore, you refer to her as "stuck up" and a congraatulations, I hope you are very happy card makes a lot more sense. Save your $$ for those you are truly close to and want to do something special for

 

[Minniemouse07]

As a former destination wedding bride (close to 10yrs ago... in Ocho Rios, Jamaica while on a cruise) I can wholeheartedly say that we expected NO gifts from anyone.

That said we only had 20 family and friends with us and we are close to all of them so we pretty much point blank told them no gifts (I know tacky...but again, close friends and family, no 2nd cousins twice removed)... basically said that their presence at the wedding was their gift to us. Our parents still gave us gifts but no one else did and we were absolutely not upset about it.

However, this does not sound like the attitude your friend may have.

Honestly, I would either give the amount of money that you are comfortable giving OR find something unique to give her that isn't on her registry that she won't be able to guess how much you spent.

You could do a picnic basket w/ a throw, wine glasses, and a couple of bottles of wine?

Personally I have always hated giving monetary gifts, no matter the occasion...so I generally try and find something that the happy couple would enjoy based upon my personal knowledge of them and by reading through their registry choices if I wasn't comfortable buying something off the registry.

 

[ShannonMB]

I think I would "cover our plates". I don't know how much a dinner at the Ritz would be, but I'd give at least $100 a person. I know you said that Daddy's probably paying for the wedding, but I always think of it as going to a fancy dinner and paying for my own meal. If it's not worth the money this trip is going to cost, and it would not be to me for someone I see once a year, then simply politely decline and send a congratuations card. I can't really see myself going to ANY destination wedding unless 1) it is an extremely close friend or relative or 2) I really wanted to go to the destination, in which case I'd look at the cost as a sort of vacation budget, including the expensive meal.

 

[maggiew]

Personally I do not hold to the "pay for your plate" mentality. I feel people have a party to celebrate and my gift is to help celebrate with them.

Also, I have no choice in how much they decide to pay per plate. I mean, at the Ritz?? Come on. I can't be expected to cover that. For my wedding we rented a hall and had chicken, sausage and peppers, cabbage rolls - typical Italian wedding food from where I am from. I had a reception that I could afford (or was willing to pay) and how much I was going to get in return from gifts had no bearing on my choice. I could care less if people gave me gifts. I wanted them there for the celebration.

To the OP. Based solely on what you wrote in your post, I would recommend NOT gong to the destination wedding. Save the money because this doesn't sound like a really close friend. However, I would still send a gift because you do consider her your friend and want to show her you are happy for her. That may or may not free up some money for you if you feel the need to "cover your plate" even though you aren't going. Instead I would pick something off their registry that you could afford (if there is anything) or go off the registry and pick something you think she would like.

On a personal note, I had a relative who had a really fancy wedding. Nothing on her registry was under $75. I bought something that wasn't on their registry that I thought she would like. At our family reunion, she was talking with some other women about her registry (don't know how it got on that topic, I think someone might have mentioned how expensive everything was) but she said that she would still appreciate it if people could only buy one wine glass (not box, but one glass) for $75 because she knows how expensive they are. Well, there was NO way I was going to give someone ONE GLASS for a present. I bought her a nice wok in my price range that I thought she would like because they eat healthy. (By the way, they divorced a few years later. I wonder what happened to that nice china?)

Maggie

 

[piglet33]

The size of my gift doesn't depend on who is paying for the wedding, because that doesn't matter to me. That being said, if I can't afford a gift (at least $200 for a couple), then I don't go.

 

[dis-happy]

I agree that "cover your plate" is some newer fad that does not follow the rules of etiquette at all. I was married at the Ritz Carlton oh so many years ago and the cost of what was being spent on the wedding had absolutely no bearing on who we invited or what kinds of gifts people brought us (and it never even crossed my mind to think otherwise).

I'd stick with your $100. gift limit (which is not a small amount of money) and buy a gift. Love the idea of the picnic basket or go with a really nice silver picture frame. One favorite gift I cherish is antique sterling silver.....most of the time your dollar goes further than new at an antique store. One cousin gave me sterling candlesticks and a friend gave me sterling and glass coasters. One other possibility is to look into a gift certificate for high tea at the Ritz....if it's something you can buy that can be used at any Ritz it might be fun for the bride and groom to go on their one year anniversary (wherever they may be).

 

[sydneysmom]

I would also say not to go.... you could take the money you would have spent and you and your DBF take a nice little trip alone. That might be more fun than going to the wedding of someone you don't seem all that close to.

I'd get a nice card and send my best wishes that way. and then you two do something special for yourselves.

 

[trip]

The size of my gift doesn't depend on who is paying for the wedding, because that doesn't matter to me. That being said, if I can't afford a gift (at least $200 for a couple), then I don't go.

But don't you think that a true friend would rather have you attend the wedding ,even with no gift, to share in her happiness?

 

[Ava]

But don't you think that a true friend would rather have you attend the wedding, even with no gift, to share in her happiness?

Not in the NYC metro area. Most people around here expect that you will "cover your plate" if you attend a wedding. I'm not from NYC originally and don't really agree with this (and also can't afford it, weddings around here are crazy expensive!), so I have a dilemma similar to the OP. I've been invited to a co-worker's wedding later this year and am really considering not going, even though she is a friend and I would like to attend. I know she expects each couple will give $200-$250 for a gift, and we just can't afford that. The other option I'm considering is going alone; that way I would feel comfortable only giving $100 and we also wouldn't have to pay a sitter for DD.

 

[KarenAylwood]

Thanks for the replies so far everyone! Yes, I know I used the term "stuck up" but honestly we've all said that about her, even when we were close in college! It came off very negatively but yes, she's just that way about things and we all sort of got used to it. This is the first time I've actually had to get anything for her!

I've already committed to going so that's not an option, also all of my close friends are going who are in the same "sort of close" status with her. There's only 75-100 people going so it's not huge. I felt really bad at the idea of not going because of cost- because my best friends would know it's because I just don't want to go. We've roped it into a vacation sort of as well, and are driving to Destin afterwards (free lodging there).

I always felt that "covering your plate" was kind of cheesy- I mean I don't pay for my meal if a friend has a regular party. Not to mention I'm so out of it when it comes to wedding expenses I'd have no idea how much my plate even cost!!

There are so many different opinions on this. Even googling I've found a million different "rules" and "opinions". I spent $100 on a close friend last year that I also spent $80 on a shower gift, $150 on a bridesmaids dress, $60 on nails/hair, etc. Between that, travelling and the hotel I think the whole thing came out to $1000 and it was a local wedding. Ugh. I just don't want to look like a cheapskate here but I don't want to spend gobs of money either.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Obviously go to the wedding and have a good tome.

Buy a gift that you can afford to give. With a friend, they don't care how much you spend and would rather have you there than a present.

If they are expecting people to cover their plate, that is their business and not yours as the guest. I think that is a silly thing to even think about.

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[ibela]

Speaking firsthand (sometimes I budget and sometimes I don't so I love this board), I can say that if she was concerned with the present vs. what it was costing her than she would've invited you only if she really wanted you there. Otherwise she'd use an excuse "I know it'd be hard for you to travel to our destination wedding so we wouldn't expect you to" or "we're only having family members attend but I'd love to see you some other time".

If the trip is more than you want to spend to see her, don't go. An "old friend" from high school who I mostly kept in touch with via e-mail, and not regularly at that, invited me to her wedding. To go would have cost me at least $200 (overnight stay, travel by train, dh was out of the country and I had just found out I was pregnant to boot!) so I sent my regrets along with a check for $50 - win-win all around.

 

[mster425]

Obviously go to the wedding and have a good tome.

Buy a gift that you can afford to give. With a friend, they don't care how much you spend and would rather have you there than a present.

If they are expecting people to cover their plate, that is their business and not yours as the guest. I think that is a silly thing to even think about.

This. I had my wedding last year and I don't remember who gave me what but I do remember who was there!!

 

[Trixiezzz]

Here's what they said about 'covering your plate' on MarthaStewart.com:

http://thebridesguide.marthastewartweddings.com/2009/08/the-%E2%80%9Ccover-your-plate%E2%80%9D-myth-explained.html

 

[okeydokey]

Obviously go to the wedding and have a good tome.

Buy a gift that you can afford to give. With a friend, they don't care how much you spend and would rather have you there than a present.

If they are expecting people to cover their plate, that is their business and not yours as the guest. I think that is a silly thing to even think about.

Agreed, give what you can. If a couple decides to have a wedding that cost 150-200 a plate that is their choice. It's not the job of the guest to pay for the wedding, it is the job of the couple of getting married.