Wedding gift etiquette- destination wedding?

[mjkacmom]

mjkacmom, what does one do if they legitimately cannot afford to give what is considered an "appropriate amount of money?" I'm asking honestly as I'm not originally from this area (I'm from MD) and have not yet attended a wedding here. A former co-worker/friend is getting married later this year and I know I'm going to be invited to the wedding. I also know she is expecting each couple will give at least $200-$250 for a gift. (She's from LI & I guess this is the norm for other weddings she's attended.)

Would it be acceptable to purchase something less expensive from the registry (assuming there is something), or would it be better to just not go if I can't afford to give the $200-$250 I know she "expects?"

(We'd also have to rent a car to get there, hire a sitter for DD, and probably buy new clothes/shoes for both of us to wear. Not that any of this is my friend's concern, but it does factor into my consideration of how much it will cost us to attend her wedding.)

If she's like most here, she doesn't "expect" anything! One week after the wedding, she probably won't even remember who gave her what. It's not about what you expect to get, it's what you are comfortable giving. For example, I usually give a $20 gc for classmates birthday parties. Would I expect that everyone will give my child a $20 gc? No. We're happy with whatever we get, be it a remote control car, $10 gc, or a home made card (I'm actually happier with the card - we didn't do parties this year, because I don't want my kids to have so much stuff).

It's hard to explain if you don't live here, but it's more about what the guest wants to give than what the bride and groom expect to receive. BTW, DH had family from out of town who gave us gifts, which we really appreciated. I would've been very surprised if they gave us a check, because that's not the tradition where they are from.

 

[christinec68]

If she's like most here, she doesn't "expect" anything! One week after the wedding, she probably won't even remember who gave her what. It's not about what you expect to get, it's what you are comfortable giving. For example, I usually give a $20 gc for classmates birthday parties. Would I expect that everyone will give my child a $20 gc? No. We're happy with whatever we get, be it a remote control car, $10 gc, or a home made card (I'm actually happier with the card - we didn't do parties this year, because I don't want my kids to have so much stuff).

It's hard to explain if you don't live here, but it's more about what the guest wants to give than what the bride and groom expect to receive. BTW, DH had family from out of town who gave us gifts, which we really appreciated. I would've been very surprised if they gave us a check, because that's not the tradition where they are from.

As I was reading this thread and saw everyone making comments about couples planning weddings to get more from their guests - this is what I kept thinking. It's mostly about what you want to give as a guest, not what you hope to get as the couple. I live in NYC and my wedding was on Long Island and when we got married I didn't care what anyone gave us, I was happy so many people wanted to share the day with us. When I go to the wedding, I want to give a gift I am comfortable giving.

Some people use "cover your plate" as a guideline or jumping off point for what they want to give. My mother's way of thinking is that she wants to pay for her dinner and give a little extra to the couple. No one is telling her to do that, it's just how she feels about it. At the same time, she's not going to give more to the neighbor's kid then she would her nephew because of the venue - there's common sense and heart behind it as well.



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To the OP, if I were in your shoes I would give $200. It's a generous gift and it's in line with what your other friends are giving (I presume you cared about that since you mentioned it).

Have a great time at the wedding and on your mini vacation!!

 

[NotUrsula]

I'd be "ashamed" if I gave a gift significantly less then the typical gift being given by guests.

But that assumes that there is a "typical guest", with a "typical" income to match, which is ludicrous. There are always going to be variations in socioeconomic status on the guest list if you invite people for their relationship to you, rather than their social standing.

Are you "ashamed" that you make less than some of the people that you went to college with? There is always going to be *someone* who makes more than you do, unless you have the luck to be Bill Gates or Oprah.

It's one thing to say that you'd be ashamed to not give the typical contribution at a charity gala, but you can't carry that comparison to a wedding.

 

[Evi]

My 2 cents? My (then) fiance and I were invited to a destination wedding 1 month before our own wedding!

Anyway, (now) husband went and I stayed at home. We simply could not afford it. Our friend understood.

The registry? Whoa. Everything on it was very expensive. My solution? I bought a fork. Yep, one fork. It was $100. I wrapped it nicely and gave it to them.

The funny part? They still laugh at our 'fork' gift. They thought it was the best, most honest gift they received.

I love it. Honestly truly it would probably get engraved by me. Because as your friend stated its the most honest and best gift and one they will cherish more then any of the other items they received. Because you were being gracious and tried to stay within the reigns of all this foolish wedding etiquette. At the same time you gave them a part of something they really wanted and not some tchotchke they need to pull out whenever you come visit. You are a gracious wedding guest and a good friend.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

Please dont take this in a mean-spirited way , I do not mean it that way at all . But it doesnt not really sound like you want to go . You can say something came up. If you wanna go to FL just go for the vacation part you have planned .

I think you should always give what you think you are confortable giving .
My DD's SIL is getting married in a couple of months and as a gift to her My DH and I paid the $ 500 deposit for thier honeymoon . Is that over the top ? YEP but she is a good kid who is short on money and they both work really hard . I WANT to do it , I just sent a check to a guy who works at my DH's extra job for 50 bucks for his wedding . I dont know him and I thought that was a good enough gift . If they think we are cheap so be it . I sent what I was comfortable sending .

 

[beachbunny]

It doesn't matter how you feel about her. It doesn't matter that your boyfriend has never met her. It matters that she cares enough about YOU that you're one of only 75-100 people she wants sharing her special day. Knowing this, I just wouldn't feel right giving $50 per person. Destination wedding (or not) and plate-covering (or not) doesn't enter into my equation.