Wedding Etiquette question (long rant)

[floridafam]

I hit enter too soon.

The above article addresses an issue similar to yours. It is about children who are in the wedding party.

Bottom line, if you're invited to the wedding then you should be invited to the reception.

 

[cindysteve]

Oh, Mishetta, I wouldn't flame you, but rather agree with you. Our family invites kids and all. Although we are not overly formal personality types. It gives the kids a chance to dress up and learn to dance! Life events are family times for us. I understand an adult only event, but then the WHOLE wedding is adult only. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
In addition, when I was 36 weeks PG I was not going to drive back and forth for hours. A one hour drive takes like 3 hours with bathroom stops!

 

[RUDisney]

For those who wanted an adult only reception, what was your mode of thinking that made you decide this? We had everyone at our reception and everyone had a great time. No wedding that I've ever attended had any trouble because kids were there.

I'm not trying to flame, because I really believe in to each his own. I'm just trying to understand why an adult only reception? It can't be due to cost because hot dogs and chicken nuggets don't cost that much... not like the adult dinners.

 

[Stimpy]

Thanks everyone! It's nice to know I'm not crazy like DH is suggesting. (or whatever else he is thinking but is smart enough not to say aloud right now!)

I have never had a problem with SIL before this. She's a nice girl and we always seemed to get along. I just think she is being unreasonable about this. SIL wants the kids there just for "family" pictures, then they have to leave. Not a real problem for BIL and his family, they live 10 minutes from the church.

My parents, who live 5 minutes from us, are babysitting that day. They were invited to the wedding & reception but declined b/c we needed a babysitter. This way DS can stay over their house for the night and they can bring him to school the next day. (wedding is on a Sunday) DH feels THEY should also get dressed up, travel 1 hour to and from ceremony, just to bring DS for a few pictures. I told him absolutely not! I am not going to inconvenience them too. They are already doing us a favor by babysitting DS. (Although, they think of it as we are doing them a favor )

The wedding is a month from tomorrow and I'm already having headaches about it! And I haven't even started looking for a maternity formal dress yet. Yikes!

 

[disneychrista]

I haven't been to a wedding since I myself was a child. But to me I would think I wouldn't want kids at the ceremony more then the receiption/after party.

 

[Stimpy]

BTW, we had an adults only reception when we got married 9 years ago. At the time, there was only one neice and she was an infant so it wasn't a problem. The parents looked at it like I do, a night out without the kids. Obviously, it wasn't a cost issue for us since it was just 1 infant. We just thought the parents would enjoy themselves more if they didn't have to worry about the baby all night.

I have no problem with childless weddings. It's actually easier for me not to bring DS. I can be a little more relaxed since I don't have to watch over his every move. I also have no problem bringing DS to a wedding, if he is invited. He had a great time at my DSis wedding in Delaware last September. He was the ring bearer, wore the tux and got to dance at the reception.

But I'm really not a fan of NY/Long Island weddings. I would rather not bring a child to a wedding around here. They usually end late at night, usually formal attire (sequins, evening dresses, etc) and usually stereotypical of what you hear about LI weddings. I really like going to out of state weddings because they are usually more relaxed and comfortable, atleast I think so. I'm probably going to get flamed now!

 

[ducklite]

I had a no kids wedding because I wanted a small, intimate ceremony and reception. The chapel that we help the wedding in only held 48 people. We only had 50 people, including DH and I on the guest list. Had we invited people's children, they wouldn't have all fit, and we would have had to cut adults off our already pared to the minimum guest list.

I've been to no children weddings that were formal evening events. I can't imagine bringing a child to a black tie wedding that starts at 8:00pm, and can certainly see why a bride wouldn't invite kids to that type of wedding/reception.

BTW--The childcare at my cousins wedding was optional. Like I said, it was after dinner. It gave the adults a chance to socialize and dance at about the time the kids were getting bored and antsy and were happier playing with some toys and games, or in some cases taking a nap without the band in the same room. Everyone was told about this beforehand, and a couple people brought along their PackN Plays for the younger ones who would need a nap. It really worked out perfectly!

Anne

 

[KimR]

I had a 'no kids' at my wedding reception because it was rather formal, in the evening, and I wanted a more 'adult' atomsphere. I didn't want unruly children running around causing a ruckus. I realize there are some children who do perfectly fine in such a situation, but many do not. No one in our family had children at that time, nor did any of our close friends so it really wasn't much of an issue.

As to the poster's original question: yes, that is very rude!

Kim

 

[RUDisney]

In terms of maternity formal wear... friends of mine, who are well off, I might add, but didn't want to spend $$$ for a dress they were going to wear once would hit the consignment shops for fancy dresses. Why pay $150 for a dress when you can get one for $20 plus dry cleaning that has only been worn once?

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd tell your DH that since he thinks it's necessary for your son to be there for the pictures, then he can drive him from the church to your home(1 hour) and then drive back to the reception(1 hour) again. Somehow, I think he will suddenly see the ludicrousness of THAT plan, when it is he who will be spending 2+ hours in the car. I do not think you should put your parents out like that by making them drive your DS back and forth.

I have no problem with an "adult only" wedding. I had one, and it was very nice. Having been to many weddings where there were small children present, I can tell you that I have seen everything from the cake crashing to the ground(BEFORE it was cut)to parents screaming at each other over whose "responsibility" it is to watch the kids at the reception so the other can get drunk and winding up both drunk leaving everyone else at the wedding to watch their kids. I was having none of that! But, I also didn't expect my family members who had children to run them all over Hell and Creation so I could get pictures. My DSIL ended up having her children (ages 5,7,9) come to church and having the babysitter pick them up there, but that was her choice, and she only lived about 5 minutes form church, not one hour.

Tell your DSIL she can't have her cake and eat it too. Either she wants the kid or she doesn't.

You also have the "I'm too pregnant and uncomfortable to go" route, but I always think it's better to tell the truth. As far as maternity formal wear...I'd buy a nice black skirt with a pretty, dressier white blouse, throw on some pearls and call it a day!

 

[Kimberle]

I live in the Metro NYC area, too. Around here, people spend between $50k - $100k (yes, that's dollars!) on their weddings. So it's pretty common not to include children under 14.

 

[snoopy]

Geez, she gives new meaning to the term Bridezilla. I think you are awfully kind to have even considered doing this. I'd stay home.

 

[wilderness01]

Yes, your SIL is being very rude to expect this of you. You could always go with the you are too pregnant to go and stay home with your son. I probably would not confront her with the truth as this sounds like it may cause problems with you and your husband. Who wants problems right before the birth of your new baby? Plus, if you keep stewing about this that birth could come sooner than you want. I am usually a very upfront person and tell it like it is, but in this case I would not. You have to have this person in your life forever so why rock the boat? Plus, now that you know she is capable of being selfish and you can plan accordingly in the future for any other interactions with her! Hopefully she just has new brideitis and will snap back to her senses!

We also had a no kids wedding. My one aunt was very upset with me and choose not to attend the reception as a sort of boycott because her kids were shunned in her opinion. I might add that her kids were older at the time but some of my other cousins were not so we didn't invite any of them. It was nothing personal but we had to make cuts because of the room and $. I was very insulted as no one had the right to tell us who to invite and who not to. I have small children now and if they weren't invited, oh well my husband and I go without them to have a good time. If they are invited great, they will go. It is the host's decision though. I would never ever take it upon myself to say it is all of us or nothing. Just doesn't seem right in my opinion. We watch our kids very closely and they are well mannered. We have been to other formal doings that the kids are ignored, never supervised and running like animals. It seems to me that maybe some people shy away from inviting kids because of the parents who are inconsiderate and ruin it for the rest of us who supervise our own.

Good luck with your decision and the rest of your pregnancy!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly what I would do would be to sit with SIL and tell her that it is impossible for you to bring the kids up for pictures. But then again my DH would agree with me. He would never expect me to do something like AT ALL, no way would he even consider it if I was pregnant.
I mean I do not mind going out of my way for my family but when it borders on something that just is way out of line, forget about it!

 

[#1 Mickey Fan]

I attended a wedding once where someone's child started to cry just as the bride and groom exchanged their vows. It was so loud that you couldn't even hear what the bride and groom were saying. The priest ended up stopping them in the middle and asking that the child be removed from the church so that the bride and groom could exchange their vows without "competing" for their guests' attention. Talk about embarrassing for everyone! I can definitely understand why some couples choose children-free weddings!

 

[Keli]

The bride is totally out of line in her requests and your dh has a screw loose to think it's an acceptable idea.

Since you know that you will give in at some point I think you should agree to whatever they want on the condition that your dh does all the driving. You are much to far along in your pregnancy to spend that much time in the car in one day and it really is too much to ask your parents to do it.

One thing puzzels me though. Is there going to be a long break between the ceremony and these wedding pics and the wedding pics and the reception? Because it will take two hours after the ceremony for your dh to drive to your ds, pick him up and get back to the church. Then it will take him another two hours to take your ds back to your parent's and get back for the reception. He will be spending four hours in the car just to get those pics for his sister. But if he is willing to do it then I would certainly let him and I would go ahead and purchase a dress outfit for your son so that you aren't standing in anyone's way.

 

[Doug123]

You do have a few options:

(1) Don't attend at all
(2) Go the wedding and reception without kids
(3) Bring kids to wedding; all of you miss reception and go out on your own to a nice restaurant

Personally, I would probably choose option three (and that's only because it's family). Receptions can be real boring sometimes, anyway. Go out somewhere special with the kids that they'll remember.

 

[RUDisney]

I appreciate everyone's comments about child-free weddings. I've never been to one where the children are unruly... from what you're saying, I guess I'm lucky. I really thought the main reason for an adult wedding was to allow the parents to go out and have a good time one their own. Yikes! A wedding cake being crushed by rugrats is another thing!

I have another question for the OP. Is your DH in the wedding? If so, how can he leave between the wedding and reception, since the bridal party usually has to stay together, or they go offsite for more pictures?

You have quite a conundrum on your hands.

 

[katerkat]

Originally posted by Keli
One thing puzzels me though. Is there going to be a long break between the ceremony and these wedding pics and the wedding pics and the reception?

Several of the weddings I've been to in the NJ/NY area have had long breaks in between the wedding and reception, yes. So it's not uncommon there. (Of course, this plan could also mean the OP is missing the beginning of the reception...)

I think the SIL is wrong - it's perfectly OK not to invite kids, if that's what you want, but dragging the kids out for a picture is ridiculous!

I had a mostly non-kid wedding, but none of my friends or family really had kids. The two couples that came that had a baby were actually happy to have a night out without the baby, and the other two (both cousins) who had a young kid wouldn't have come to the wedding anyway because it was 6 hours away. If I had more friends and family with kids, it would be more of an issue, I suppose.

 

[Disney Debbie]

Well there's two ways of looking at it for me:

A) She may want him there for pictures - but we don't always get what we want. Just don't bring him. Period.

or

B) If it's so important to your DH - why can't your son stay with the same babysitter as his cousins that live 10 miles away? That's probably what I would end up doing, only because once everyone was there for a family picture except my son I'd probably regret if for myself. It's also a nice opportunity to get a picture made of the 3 of you together all dressed up.

When my brother got married, my in-laws kept DD - who was 1 1/2 during the wedding ceremony, brought her to the reception long enough for pictures and to show off and then took her home. But this was our choice and their offer - and they lived literally one block from where the reception was! My DH and I were both in the wedding and we didn't want to have to worry about her during the ceremony and we wanted to thoroughly "enjoy" the reception afterwards!