Wedding Etiquette question - I know you all love these....

[Piglet]

Need some wedding etiquette advice: And if I'm wrong, I fully accept that. I've googled and can only come up with what I thought the rule was to begin with but could be thrown to different interpretations I guess. Anyways........We are 6 months from the wedding and I was under the assumption that my daughters in laws would be handling the rehearsal dinner, #1 because her fiancé said they would handle it (nothing else was communicated to me or my daughter by anyone other than her fiancé). So we are at their house for a cook out over the weekend and his mother keeps talking about places we could have the dinner, I just replied that wherever the couple wanted was fine with me. On the way home I mentioned it to my daughter and she said maybe they just want input on where to have it since they aren't from our town. So I sent her soon to be mother in law a nice text the next day with a list of places and what I knew about them and offered to contact some on their behalf and go look at them with them, I also put in a disclaimer that if that was not what they wanted to disregard and let me know what the deal was. (not in those words, lol) I get a reply informing pretty direct that it is the brides parents responsibility to get the venue for the rehearsal dinner and their responsibility was to pay for the food. (now I do understand that this situation is a little different because the venue where the wedding and reception is being held is not available the day before, so we are having the rehearsal where the dinner is and it is just a small wedding party and quick ceremony so will not be an issue) The Grooms aunt that is the day of coordinator (not as a profession, just volunteered) also says that is true and that she was sorry she should have told me. I always interpreted that bit of etiquette was that the grooms parents planned the rehearsal dinner, venue/food whatever. Because let's face it - the brides parents have their hands full. It has been mentioned several times that they would like to help with the wedding (because they have a guest list of twice the number of people than my daughter has). I know that communication is the problem here, but they tip toe around everything and I have no idea what they are thinking. All I get is they don't want to "step on toes" This hit me like a slap in the face and I felt terrible and stupid with the way she worded the text. Their response after was "since we offered to help we'll just go ahead and get the venue too". I certainly don't want to cause a problem for the couple, so I'm letting it go and just getting the venue. But Yes!, I've googled and googled and don't see that listed anywhere. Thoughts???

 

[Moliphino]

I thought the rehearsal dinner is usually the groom's parents' responsibility, too.
When my sister got married my parents did handle the rehearsal dinner, but it was because they were more able to do so than my BIL's parents and volunteered. It wasn't anything crazy, we had pizza and drinks at a pub.

Brides.com agrees

 

[Moliphino]

Martha Stewart also says it's traditionally the groom's parents

 

[Kae]

"Back in the Day" Brides Family paid for the Wedding and the Grooms family paid for the rehearsal dinner. But today I think that is something that is discussed in the planning of the wedding. I hate to say this but the Bride & Groom dropped the ball on this one. If they are uncomfortable talking to the groom's family about who pays for what then there will be more issues & The groom should have done so privately. Also, their family including the Aunt could have different views on who pays for what.

 

[Piglet]

I thought the rehearsal dinner is usually the groom's parents' responsibility, too.
When my sister got married my parents did handle the rehearsal dinner, but it was because they were more able to do so than my BIL's parents and volunteered. It wasn't anything crazy, we had pizza and drinks at a pub.

Thank you, I felt terrible and very uneducated. I would never argue with them but yeah, my daughter wanted low key very simple and it has turned into 160 invites with her's being 50 people. Her fiance is an only child so she has no daughters and we have went above an beyond trying to include her so she gets the experience too of planning but I get the feeling that all they wanted to do was offer and that was good enough. I'm the kind of person that would just write a check and hand it over and say please take this, we would like to help.

 

[mamamary]

I think it’s supposed to be the groom’s family also but I think it should be however you want it to be. My parent’s had mine because my mil couldn’t handle stuff like that.

 

[barkley]

I get a reply informing pretty direct that it is the brides parents responsibility to get the venue for the rehearsal dinner and their responsibility was to pay for the food

every etiquette book i've ever seen shows it as the groom's family. i coordinated allot of weddings as well as rehearsal dinners for the hotel i worked for. billing for the rehearsal dinner was always in groom's family name.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

So, as far as I understand, the rehearsal dinner goes like this.

1. The groom's father's best friend (The Messenger) asks his or her high school prom date (The Concierge) to go to the local Don and ask permission to have the rehearsal dinner.
2. The Don then assigns a lieutenant to pick both a restaurant and a menu. This is usually one of the restaurants that pays regularly.
3. The Concierge then lets the groom's father's best friend (aka The Messenger) the time, date, location, and menu. The Messenger then goes directly to the Groom with this information and indicates the Goom must accept the terms or the Messenger will be required to bash the Groom's kneecaps in.
4. The Groom then has to tell the Bride and her family, in either the form of a song or a lymeric (depends on whether you are east or west of the Mississippi).
5. Everyone arrives, and the Bride's father's first Bully (The Banker) pays for the meal. This gets rather interesting, because after the Banker pays, the Bride's father slaps him across the face with a dead trout and then says "We are even". The Banker kisses the Bride's father on the cheeks and says they are sorry.
6. Dessert is either creme brulee (north of the Mason-Dixon) or strawberry shortcake (south of the Mason-Dixon). In either case, the Bride's mother is the first to try the dessert. Traditionally, the Bride's mother's dessert was poisoned, but this went out of favor in the 80's.

The reason for this long and convoluted ritual is to prevent bullying. When the Bride's father doesn't have a bully, or the bully is already dead, the local florist pays for the meal and there is no fish slapping.

 

[sam_gordon]

IMO, it should be what the bride and groom want and what money the families are willing to give them. I really don't like this "groom's family is responsible for x, y, z and bride's family is responsible for a, b, c". What if the families are at different economic points?

As far as guest list, again, up to bride and groom. If they only want 100 (whatever number) people at the wedding, they get to decide how many each "entity" can invite.

 

[Piglet]

Thank you. I feel much better, and what gets me is I never assumed that they were going to handle it - I had already had a place booked and ended up canceling because I was told that they were going to handle it from the groom. And now that is the same place they want to have it. So I'm rebooking and luckily it is still available. My daughter is far from traditional, not many usual things happening at this wedding --mainly a quick ceremony and a nice party for the reception. No big cake - no garter or bouquet toss, not a large wedding party, not over the top decorations, no invites to people she doesn't really know -- just time spent together is how she wants it. I'm working hard to get past this, cause we are actually all meeting them (at the request of the bride and groom) for the last 1/2 of the honeymoon at Disney World. So vacationing with the in laws.

 

[Piglet]

So, as far as I understand, the rehearsal dinner goes like this.

1. The groom's father's best friend (The Messenger) asks his or her high school prom date (The Concierge) to go to the local Don and ask permission to have the rehearsal dinner.
2. The Don then assigns a lieutenant to pick both a restaurant and a menu. This is usually one of the restaurants that pays regularly.
3. The Concierge then lets the groom's father's best friend (aka The Messenger) the time, date, location, and menu. The Messenger then goes directly to the Groom with this information and indicates the Goom must accept the terms or the Messenger will be required to bash the Groom's kneecaps in.
4. The Groom then has to tell the Bride and her family, in either the form of a song or a lymeric (depends on whether you are east or west of the Mississippi).
5. Everyone arrives, and the Bride's father's first Bully (The Banker) pays for the meal. This gets rather interesting, because after the Banker pays, the Bride's father slaps him across the face with a dead trout and then says "We are even". The Banker kisses the Bride's father on the cheeks and says they are sorry.
6. Dessert is either creme brulee (north of the Mason-Dixon) or strawberry shortcake (south of the Mason-Dixon). In either case, the Bride's mother is the first to try the dessert. Traditionally, the Bride's mother's dessert was poisoned, but this went out of favor in the 80's.

The reason for this long and convoluted ritual is to prevent bullying. When the Bride's father doesn't have a bully, or the bully is already dead, the local florist pays for the meal and there is no fish slapping.

I'm going to forward this to them for reference, so we get it right.

 

[neverlandsky]

This is one of the millions of reasons why we’re cutting both bride and groom a check beforehand to do as they please for all things wedding. It removes the middle men of the Parent In-Laws and Parents. Both our son and daughter are aware of this fact that they both no matter who they are marrying are receiving the same amount of funds for all things wedding. We have always done this with them with all things gifts (birthdays, Christmases, milestones, etc.) It’s up to the bride and groom to make all plans.

In ancient times, it’s the groom’s family that holds and pays for the rehearsal dinner. Yet rehearsal dinners that are used as “family reunions” are way more basic in venue and food i.e. buffet style/paper plates.

 

[Piglet]

This is one of the millions of reasons why we’re cutting both bride and groom a check beforehand to do as they please for all things wedding. It removes the middle men of the Parent In-Laws and Parents. Both our son and daughter are aware of this fact that they both no matter who they are marrying are receiving the same amount of funds for all things wedding. We have always done this with them with all things gifts (birthdays, Christmases, milestones, etc.) It’s up to the bride and groom to make all plans.

In ancient times, it’s the groom’s family that holds and pays for the rehearsal dinner. Yet rehearsal dinners that are used as “family reunions” are way more basic in venue and food i.e. buffet style/paper plates.

Great idea - wish I could start this process all over.

 

[Meriweather]

Groom's parents do the rehearsal dinner. We sure did out son's.

 

[RedAngie]

Texting about such arrangements.

Why are so many people afraid to speak on the phone? What takes days of back and forth and misunderstandings via text coulda been resolved with a 10 minute phone call.

 

[JenBush]

I’ve always heard of the groom’s parents doing the rehearsal dinner. Today, people aren’t that traditional and most of my friends planned their own wedding and both sets of parents helped pay whatever portion was agreed upon.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Why are so many people afraid to speak on the phone? What takes days of back and forth and misunderstandings via text coulda been resolved with a 10 minute phone call.

As someone who has sat on boards and committees for 15 years, conversations can be just as misunderstood. The number of times I thought something was clear only to get an email a day later because people are confused...

 

[KMarston]

The groom’s family traditionally handles the after rehearsal party. When my daughter got married some years ago her MIL came in town and we took her around to check out some options and she made a choice. His family all came from out of town and we had my nieces and nephews from out of town. I was surprised that they didn’t want to include out of town family in the after rehearsal party. BUT it was their party so I kept my opinion to myself. My MIL planned our after rehearsal party as well.
One thing that I think is important to note is that different areas in the USchave different traditions. In the south you’ll never see a cash bar. In other regions it is done. Maybe it’s a local thing for them? Traditionally the grooms family paid for the brides bouquet and some other portion of flowers but I didn’t want to worry about my daughter choosing what she wanted so we never brought that up.
Hope things work out beautifully for you all!

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I've been the Mother of the Groom twice and we always hosted the rehearsal dinner.

One time the rehearsal was at the same venue as the wedding

The other wedding was a church wedding we we hosted it at a nice restaurat not too far away

 

[SandyinMonterey]

Just wondering what the bride and groom have to say about all of this. It's their wedding. When I got married, me and my husband did all the planning and paid for it ourselves. We got married at WDW, and had no expectations that anyone would give us gifts or our families to pay for anything. We did have a small wedding, my MIL did pay for a nice dinner for immediate family only. We (husband and I) paid for another "pre wedding party" for everyone at the Polynesian, a luau. This sounds like too much drama for me. The bride and groom need to take the reigns. From what I understood it to be, the brides family pays or helps with the wedding. The grooms family pays for the rehearsal dinner.