WAY OT: DD8 is asking about ....

[mom2boys77]

I think most of us answered the same way..I didn't hear anyone say to give detailed information on how sex is performed exactly. I stuck to "It's what adults do to show their love for each other" As my son got older, we explained in more detail.

well i may be the minority here, but i certainly would NOT go into too much detail.

i would answer with a precise age appropriate answer" sex is what men and women do after they are married to have children"

then if she were to follow up with another question i would again answer short and sweet. i would never offer info they werent mature enough to handle. they will let you know through their questions exaclty how far you should go with the topic.

 

[imthatgirl]

I knew when she would get hers (the pediatrician predicted it), so I held off. I wasn't taking into account that her friends would be discussing it, and she would have no idea what they were talking about. I'll never forget her reaction (I gave her The Care and Keeping of Me). It was like she just found out how babies get out of the mommy 2 months before she was to deliver a baby (OT - all of my kids know how babies are born).

Luckily, she's my first, and I learn a lot from her. I won't make this mistake again!

i am quite sure my daughters other 8yo friends are not talking about sex or periods. if they were she would come home and ask me about it.
maybe its not these kids fault they are talking about it so young, it seems from this thread parenst are pushing these things on their children younger and younger. i mean seriously, talking about sex drives with an 8yo, what are we doing to our children?

oh, and of course my daughter knows how babies are born shes my oldest and was in the room when both her brothers were born.

 

[cinderellamom123]

I did ask what they said and she said "There were a few girls saying that they had sex before" (which I doubt and really hope to god they have not, they are 10 and 11) anyway she said she asked them what that meant and they would not tell her. They told her she was too little...THANK GOD!!!!


First, tell her that is a good questions and you are glad that she feels comfortable asking you.

Secondly, I would stick with the basics and only get elaborate if she asks additional questions. There is nothing wrong with telling her that you will talk with her when she is a little older.

As far as sex at 10 and 11. I am 38 and I know that several of the girls at my school in my grade had intercourse at this age. It is so sad, but true. So many parents wait until after the fact to speak with their kids.

It's great you are trying to be pro-active

 

[mjkacmom]

i am quite sure my daughters other 8yo friends are not talking about sex or periods. if they were she would come home and ask me about it.
maybe its not these kids fault they are talking about it so young, it seems from this thread parenst are pushing these things on their children younger and younger. i mean seriously, talking about sex drives with an 8yo, what are we doing to our children?

oh, and of course my daughter knows how babies are born shes my oldest and was in the room when both her brothers were born.

Do you really think that parents having an open, ongoing, age appropriate discussion with their children about sex is causing them to have sex? Your dd is only 8. However, I didn't learn what was discussed on the playground until after my kids knew about sex, from me, and then they had lots of questions about what they had heard (ds heard that sex is when a man pees into a woman's _____, and dd asked about boy periods (ie ejaculation). And I didn't learn about all of the used condoms on the playground until our discussions started, either.

The age of 10 is peri-puberty - they no longer tell you everything.

 

[rt2dz]

I’ve already posted, but I’ve gone back and read the replies now. Wow. I guess there are just two schools of thoughts.

Kids don’t tell you everything they talk about with their friends—maybe while playing dolls—nor should they; kids deserve privacy, too. So, unless you are hearing them 24 hours a day, don’t count on the fact that there isn’t *something* being discussed in *some* way. Heck, DS7 has little girls chasing him on the playground at recess trying to kiss him. I’ll be sending his teacher an email today to ask her to have a conversation with the class that no one kisses anyone. Had to do that last year too. One of those little girls in particular needs to have a talk with her daughter pronto; however, I know this mother and it isn’t happening because her little angel is just clueless. I predict she might be educating those boys come middle school. Anyhow…

If you aren’t talking about it before it is an issue (the day they get their period is not the day to discuss periods), it becomes embarrassing. You want to be the first person to give your child information. Not their friends. Not the school. Not another parent. Not even the church. Although I do think schools and churches offer great programs, I just feel the first source should have been the parent. Once they start puberty (peri puberty), they aren’t as open to you and you know nothing. You need to get the subject in their BEFORE that time, jmho. I just cannot see how educating your child on basic facts of life is throwing them into womanhood, or manhood. If anything, it might keep them out of grown-up decisions!! It won’t be anything to explore and discover on their own.

As far as the pp whose DD felt like she should have known sooner, it’s because her DD trusts her to be honest and open with her. By keeping something from her (whether asked about or not), she felt lied to. How wonderful to have a child who trusts in a parent so much!

Oh, I got my period at 12; I was 14 before I started developing in any other way. I wouldn’t use that as a guide. My sisters got theirs at 11 and my nieces got theirs at 10. I don’t see how 8 or 9 is too early. The more time to come to terms with it, the more time to ask questions, the more time to prepare, the better. I teach my kids about money mangement too. The time to learn it isn't right before they are out on their own and able to get a credit card.

 

[MMmomto5]

I had the period/hormone talk with my daughter in June. For a few months she was getting cramps every month. She didn't know to call them cramps, but knew it was a pain she never felt before. She is on the autism spectrum( Asperger's Syndrome) and any change that is unexpected will cause a major upset for her, so I never wanted her to start her period without knowing what it was. Luckily I had that talk because she got her first period yesterday at 10 years old. We celebrated by going out for chinese and a few new outfits since she is officially a young lady. It made her feel better to know what to expect.

As far as sex goes, my son(9) has asked some questions, and my dd is not interested at all. We are honest and basic with our answers. I carried twins for my friend and we had to explain that situation to our 4 kiddos of various ages. It was easy explaing how Kate's tummy couldn't hold a baby and how they would take her egg and Ted's seed and grow it in a dish, and then I would carry the baby the way I carried them. The hard part was convincing them that not all babies grow in a dish before they are in their mommy's tummy. For months they wanted to know if I had their embryo pictures.

Dh and I are not embarassed to talk about anything with our kids. I want them to get the right information from us, not the wrong info from friends.

 

[eliza61]

i am quite sure my daughters other 8yo friends are not talking about sex or periods. if they were she would come home and ask me about it.
maybe its not these kids fault they are talking about it so young, it seems from this thread parenst are pushing these things on their children younger and younger. i mean seriously, talking about sex drives with an 8yo, what are we doing to our children?

oh, and of course my daughter knows how babies are born shes my oldest and was in the room when both her brothers were born.

I doubt any one is "pushing" it on their kids. Most parents wait until the child ask, Op said her 8 yo asked about sex. You think glossing over the issue is a better solution? IMO all that does is let the kid know you're not be straight with her. If a kid asks, that usually means some how, some way they were already exposed to the topic.

I think the generally consensus among the poster is:
1) We'd rather our children get their views and information from us then outside sources.

2) Sex is not a taboo topic. Parents can discuss the topic in a very easy manner that young children can understand. Generally once children understand that the lines of communications are open to any topic without fear, they will keep that lesson way into the teen years when it really becomes important to have an open dialogue.

3) What we are doing to our children is hopefully arming our children with education, love, support. Whether we like it or not, the Genie is out of the bottle, kids know way more now than I ever did. whether or not that is a good or bad thing IMO is not the issue. It is what it is. I choose to "arm" my sons with sound information.

 

[imthatgirl]

why would anyone assume i dont have an open relationship with my children? because i choose to relate sex to marriage? like i said before at the age of 8 i do not feel a child needs to know about sex drives, pleasures or any of the emotions that come along with sex. at this age we teach our children that sex is something done in marriage to have children. i stand by that this is an appropriate answer to the 'what is sex' for an 8yo.
i plan to teach my children that sex is best enjoyed between a married couple. especially at the age of 8. then as they get older i will still teach them that its best to wait to have sex and i will give them the knowledge and tools they need in case the choose otherwise. but to not even give them the option of waiting, thats sad. it seems too many people arent even bothering to teach their children to wait any more. we're too busy trying to beat them to the bunch and forget that they are children and they will come to us when they need us.

and yes there are signs a child is getting ready to start her period. they include the introduction of breast buds and ******l discharge.
here are some FACTS for everyone.
the median age in the US for a girl to start her period is 12.43.
there has been NO significant change in this number in the last 30 years.
a girls period usually occurs 2-3 years AFTER the early breast roundness appears.

 

[eliza61]

why would anyone assume i dont have an open relationship with my children? because i choose to relate sex to marriage? like i said before at the age of 8 i do not feel a child needs to know about sex drives, pleasures or any of the emotions that come along with sex. at this age we teach our children that sex is something done in marriage to have children. i stand by that this is an appropriate answer to the 'what is sex' for an 8yo.
i plan to teach my children that sex is best enjoyed between a married couple. especially at the age of 8. then as they get older i will still teach them that its best to wait to have sex and i will give them the knowledge and tools they need in case the choose otherwise. but to not even give them the option of waiting, thats sad. it seems too many people arent even bothering to teach their children to wait any more. we're too busy trying to beat them to the bunch and forget that they are children and they will come to us when they need us.

and yes there are signs a child is getting ready to start her period. they include the introduction of breast buds and ******l discharge.
here are some FACTS for everyone.
the median age in the US for a girl to start her period is 12.43.
there has been NO significant change in this number in the last 30 years.
a girls period usually occurs 2-3 years AFTER the early breast roundness appears.

I guess for the same reason you assume we are "pushing" (you're words not mine) sex down our kids.

 

[imthatgirl]

I guess for the same reason you assume we are "pushing" (you're words not mine) sex down our kids.

i stand by the statement. i think anyone whos talking about pleasures and sex drives and that teenagers have sex to an 8yo is pushing or putting too much on them too early.

 

[MMmomto5]

I don't think anyone is pushing the idea of sex on to their children. Kids are exposed to a lot of media these days. They are also encouraged to share their thoughts and not to keep quiet in the ways that the older generations were. I definately think that is contributing to them growing up faster and no matter how much monitoring we do (friends, tv shows, internet) we can't control everything. We just have to keep them informed about things on a level they can understand, while trying to help them hang on to some of their innocence. The discussions we have had are more about biology than relationships at this point, but I think it comes down to your own personal beliefs on how you handle the emotional explination of sex. I am not sure that a lot of adults even understand sex and emotions.lol.

 

[imthatgirl]

I don't think anyone is pushing the idea of sex on to their children. Kids are exposed to a lot of media these days. They are also encouraged to share their thoughts and not to keep quiet in the ways that the older generations were. I definately think that is contributing to them growing up faster and no matter how much monitoring we do (friends, tv shows, internet) we can't control everything. We just have to keep them informed about things on a level they can understand, while trying to help them hang on to some of their innocence. The discussions we have had are more about biology than relationships at this point, but I think it comes down to your own personal beliefs on how you handle the emotional explination of sex. I am not sure that a lot of adults even understand sex and emotions.lol.

isnt this exactly what ive been saying

as of right now we dont discuss the emotional aspects of sex. thats way too much for an 8yo. nor have i explained how its performed, thats unnecessary at 8.

 

[eliza61]

i stand by the statement. i think anyone whos talking about pleasures and sex drives and that teenagers have sex to an 8yo is pushing or putting too much on them too early.

No worries mate,
I just think differently. If my 8 yo asks about teenagers having sex, I know it's because he heard about it some where (school or siblings of friends) or saw it on TV or on the net computer some how. So we talk about teenagers having sex and our families view on it. My kids might have been exceptionally mature because it was a serious non issue to them. Whenever they ask about sexuality, we'll talk about sexuality.

 

[DVCLiz]

i stand by the statement. i think anyone whos talking about pleasures and sex drives and that teenagers have sex to an 8yo is pushing or putting too much on them too early.

I'm not sure why you are so insistent on putting words in my mouth. I believe the only response I made that was direct advice to the OP about what I would tell her 8 year old was that sex is a way for grownups to share loving feelings. I never said I would tell an 8 year old in detail about sex drives or sexual pleasure.

I do think it is interesting that parents don't share this information with their children in a lot of cases, though. How can you be sure your own child is not already experimenting with her body? What if she IS having sexual feelings? Many young children do, you know. It's not unheard of for a little girl to play with dolls and also be doing some exploration of her body, especially as she begins to transition from the kindergarten and early elementary grades to the 8-12 year old age group. If you are really going to wait and have that conversation with your daughter when she is 16, then you might as well not bother - she will already have picked all of that up from the media and her friends. I am a believer in getting there first so my message is the one she will hear loud and clear.

 

[MMmomto5]

isnt this exactly what ive been saying

as of right now we dont discuss the emotional aspects of sex. thats way too much for an 8yo. nor have i explained how its performed, thats unnecessary at 8.

Yes, I do get what you have been saying. If my kids had specific questions that related to emotions now I would try to answer them honestly. I agree with you that most kids who might think about sex at this age aren't thinking about dating and marriage. When it comes time to talk about when to have sex and the more serious questions, I am sure my kids will have been aware of the anatomical part of it for a long time. At least I pray that's the case.

 

[imthatgirl]

I'm not sure why you are so insistent on putting words in my mouth. I believe the only response I made that was direct advice to the OP about what I would tell her 8 year old was that sex is a way for grownups to share loving feelings. I never said I would tell an 8 year old in detail about sex drives or sexual pleasure.

I do think it is interesting that parents don't share this information with their children in a lot of cases, though. How can you be sure your own child is not already experimenting with her body? What if she IS having sexual feelings? Many young children do, you know. It's not unheard of for a little girl to play with dolls and also be doing some exploration of her body, especially as she begins to transition from the kindergarten and early elementary grades to the 8-12 year old age group. If you are really going to wait and have that conversation with your daughter when she is 16, then you might as well not bother - she will already have picked all of that up from the media and her friends. I am a believer in getting there first so my message is the one she will hear loud and clear.

i dont have to put words in your mouth. in response to what i talk to my children about when it comes to having sex you said


"With all due respect, a person can have a normal healthy sex life from the time they are teens until they are in their old age and NEVER become pregnant. Sex is not only for procreation, and if that is the view you teach a child you are doing a great disservice to that child. You can put any sort of moral overlay on it you want, but the actual biological facts of sexual intercourse and the accompanying issues of sex drive and pleasure are not exclusive to the act of creating a child."

which would lead one to believe this what you talk to your children about. thats what we arew talking about right?

like ive said, i believe when we start trying to beat our child to the punch we are subjecting them to too much too soon. the best thing you can do as a parent is to take cues from your child when it is appropriate to discuss these topics.

when did i say i would wait till they are 16? i said discussions of sex drives and pleasure are best suited for an older audience of about 16. at each age of course there is more information that can be offered. there is no need to offer it all up at once.

 

[Chelley00]

I'm very curious, imthatgirl, where you get all your knowledge from? Are you a teacher or counselor or something? I've been reading some of your posts lately in other threads I've visited, and you come across very passionate about many things that I'm sure you haven't had to experience with only having an 8 year old child.

 

[imthatgirl]

I'm very curious, imthatgirl, where you get all your knowledge from? Are you a teacher or counselor or something? I've been reading some of your posts lately in other threads I've visited, and you come across very passionate about many things that I'm sure you haven't had to experience with only having an 8 year old child.

i am a stay at home mom and im not really following the rest of the question.

 

[DVCLiz]

i dont have to put words in your mouth. in response to what i talk to my children about when it comes to having sex you said


"With all due respect, a person can have a normal healthy sex life from the time they are teens until they are in their old age and NEVER become pregnant. Sex is not only for procreation, and if that is the view you teach a child you are doing a great disservice to that child. You can put any sort of moral overlay on it you want, but the actual biological facts of sexual intercourse and the accompanying issues of sex drive and pleasure are not exclusive to the act of creating a child."

which would lead one to believe this what you talk to your children about. thats what we arew talking about right?

like ive said, i believe when we start trying to beat our child to the punch we are subjecting them to too much too soon. the best thing you can do as a parent is to take cues from your child when it is appropriate to discuss these topics.

when did i say i would wait till they are 16? i said discussions of sex drives and pleasure are best suited for an older audience of about 16. at each age of course there is more information that can be offered. there is no need to offer it all up at once.

I think we will just have to agree to disagree. I don't really understand all of what you are saying and you clearly don't understand all of what I'm saying either. Best of luck to you as you raise your daughter.

 

[imthatgirl]

I think we will just have to agree to disagree. I don't really understand all of what you are saying and you clearly don't understand all of what I'm saying either. Best of luck to you as you raise your daughter.

no, i completely understand everything youve said, i just dont agree. so yes, agree to disagree.